CHAPTER 1: THE CREATION OF GREECE
Narrator: Well, Im back again. Thats right. Me, the man who knows (almost) too much. And yes, Im so awesome that I can use brackets in speech. Now, who am I annoying this time. ALEXANDER!
Alexander: Shut up about your stupid and weird rants about how were all living in a story, thats just insane. I mean, were all living in the real world here.
Narrator:
Alexander: We are, right? RIGHT? Anyway, who cares about what you think.
Yoshiegg: Are you ready for your speech sir?
Alexander: Yep. Now I all want to thank the ...
(Gives long speech about how important we all are, and blah blah blah.)
Alexander: ...We are the greatest civilisation on Earth!
(Alexander looks at the crowd, which consists of a tree stump and a ferret.)
Alexander: Where is everybody?
Yoshiegg: Sir?
Alexander: What?
Yoshiegg: Athens is in the other field.
Alexander: :facepalm:
(Later...)
Alexander: General Omega, have you organised a scouting party?
Omega: Yes I have!
Great Eagle: Great Eagle will soar to the challenge of helping you, oh great chief.
Alexander: Um ... he doesnt look very Greek.
Narrator: I agree. Its strange how the scouts for most of the civilisations look Native American. Its a bit odd.
Alexander: Hum. Why dont you shut up before I rip your face off?
(Narrator throws his hands in the air.)
Alexander: Anyway, what going on with science Sothernking?
Southernking: What do you want to research?
Alexander: Lets get some metals to build spears so we can kill stuff!
Southernking: There is some metal we are experimenting with, but we cant see it.
Alexander: How can you experiment with something you cant see?
Southernking: ...I dont know ...
Narrator: Theres lots of strange illogical things in this game. You just have to get used to them.
Alexander: Another strange thing illogical thing is why you dont shut up! Do you want to have no face?
Narrator: No, I dont want to look like Ghadaffi, I mean
.
Alexander: I give up.
From Issue One of the Patriot Magazine:
Alexanders Information About the World (Yeah!)
The Narrator: The narrator is an annoying, stuck up lunatic who thinks we are in some sort of game being played by giant people. If you see him, punch him in the face.
BREAKING NEWS!:
Our wonderful, godlike despot Alexander has enslaved a bunch of tribesmen. Even though that disgusting Narrator, who is lower on the food chain than bird poo, says that we cannot enslave anyone until Bronze Working and that we just popped a worker from a hut, we have enslaved them! They are going to chop down trees, build mines, cottages, farms and do lots of other awesome stuff!
Next Issue: Eleven out of ten people say that Alexander is better than sex! Our experts tell us why.
Omega: Sir!
Alexander: 
Omega: WAKE UP!
Alexander: Not now! I mean, Im listening.
Great Eagle: Great Eagle has found a Lady King!
Isabella: Her most righteous majesty, Isabella, beloved of God and protector of the faith, does condescend to greet you, Alexander. Do tell me, are you a righteous people, or are you fiendish heathens who need to be wiped off the face of this fair land?
Alexander: I choose option two.
Isabella: FIENDISH HEATHEN!!! (Isabella pulls out two knives and jumps on Alexander, and puts one against his neck.)
Alexander: Relax! I was only joking!
Narrator: Didnt you see the smily?
Isabella: Buddhism is not a joking matter. (She pulls her knife off Alexanders neck.)
Alexander: Who is this Buddha?
Isabella: You do not know of the holy Buddha? He can forgive you for that. One day I will show you and the rest of the world his holy message of love and peace. Then we will rip off the heads of the foolish heathens who refuse his message and put them on a stick as an offering to the great Buddha!!!
Alexander: Right...See you later! (Waits until she walks away.) Phew! I hope there arent any more leaders that insa...
Great Eagle: I found a Big Khan Chief! He lives close to us!
Genghis Khan: Welcome, oh leader of the Greek Empire. My horde can beat your horde any day of the week. Shall we be friends or enemies?
Alexander: Friends, of course. But you are wrong. MY horde is better than YOUR horde.
Genghis Khan: No, MY horde can beat YOUR horde.
Alexander: No, my horde is better!
Genghis Khan: No, MY HORDE!
Alexander: MY HORDE!
Genghis Khan: MY HORDE!
Alexander: MY HORDE!
(24 hours later)
Genghis Khan:MY HORDE!
Alexander: MY HORDE!
Genghis Khan: MY HORDE!
Alexander: MY HORDE!
Narrator: Because the reader will become greatly bored if you continue any longer, why dont we just say that both your hordes are equal?
Alexander: Im okay if youre okay.
Genghis Khan: Sounds good.
Alexander: Anyway, Ive noticed that we live nearby each other.
Genghis Khan: So?
Alexander: That means we can be the best of friends.
Genghis Khan:
From Issue Three of the Patriot Magazine:
Alexanders Information About the World (Yeah!)
Mongolia and Mongolians: Mongolia is a nearby country filled with lots of gold. We hate them so their leader, Genghis Khan, is public enemy #1. They think we are their allies when we really hate their guts. If you see a Mongolian, laugh at him for being ignorant then attack him with a brick.
BREAKING NEWS!:
Alexander the brilliant has made a new and improved scouting squad! It is made up of Great Eagles scouting squad, an Enslaved Caveman squad and an Enslaved Tribesmen squad (that stupid Narrator thinks that we popped them from something called a hut. Stupid fool.)
Next Issue: Alexander saved my cat. Local housewife tells all.
Southernking: Sir! We have discovered Bronze Working, which will allow us to build a deadly army! A source of bronze is near our borders!
Alexander: EXCELLENT! Build a city there at once.
Yoshiegg: Already done
Alexander:
Omega: Sir! Another leader has been found!
Lincoln: Greetings, Alexander. I am Lincoln. It is indeed an honour (OT: THIS IS HOW YOU SPELL HONOUR PEOPLE!) to meet you.
Alexander: Whoa, Lincoln, you seem pretty stressed there. Are you okay?
Lincoln: Its not easy being the president of the USA you know. Theres elections every four years, the senate keeps blocking stuff and dont get me started on those damn Confederates.
Narrator: But it says that you are a despot in your diplomatic window. And there are no Confederates in this game.
Lincoln: ...You ...
Alexander: Dont worry, he does this to everybody.
Narrator: Hey, just doing my job.
Lincoln: ...Annoying people is your job??!
Narrator: Yep. It pays well to.
Alexander &
Lincoln: 
Omega: Another leader!
Catherine: Well hello there, Alexander. It is a pleasure to meet you at last! Im always looking for CLOSER relations with other leaders, if you get my drift ...
Alexander: No, I dont get your drift.
Catherine: Fine, Ill tell you. (Whispers in Alexanders ear)
Alexander: 
Narrator: That definitely wouldnt have gotten past the Civfanatics auto censor.
Alexander: I would make a witty remark to counter your annoying tendencies, but Im stunned. I want those images out of my head.
Catherine: 
Omega: Yet another leader!
Jao II: Congratulations, Alexander! At last your explorations have led you to me!
Alexander: Whats so great about you?
Jao II: I do a great chicken burger!
Alexander: Yum!
(Jao II goes into the kitchen and cooks chicken burgers.)
Jao II: Here we are! One thousand chicken burgers!
Alexander: ONE THOUSAND CHICKEN BURGERS!!? But thats excessive!
Jao II: Theres more of it, therefore its better! You should see how many cities I have!
Narrator: But those 1-pop cities will be terrible for your economy.
Jao II: Yeah, but its bigger, so its better!
Narrator:
LIKE THIS TEXT!!?
Alexander: What text?
Narrator:
Omega: ZOMG theres so many leaders!!!
Tokugawa: Welcome, Alexander! May your empire flourish and grow for as long as it remains useful to us! I mean that sincerely.
Alexander: Thats good to know. (Offers Tokugawa a handshake.)
Tokugawa: GAH! Dont touch me! (Jumps back comically far)
Alexander: Why?
Tokugawa: I dunno, I just dont like it.
Alexander:
(Later...)
Yoshi: Sir! Toynbee has made a list of The Wealthiest Civilisation of the World!
Alexander: Where are we?
Yoshi: ...eight. Out of eight.
Alexander: WHAT?!!
From Issue Six of the Patriot Magazine:
Alexanders Information About the World (Yeah!)
Toynbee: Toynbee is a stupid idiot who thinks that we are poor! We are the richest nation on the Earth!* He is public enemy number two (under Genghis Khan)! If you see him, punch him in the face with GOLD knuckle-busters, to prove how wrong he was about our wealth.
*Findings found by the Greek Nations Biased Unbiased Scientists. Dont judge us.
BREAKING NEWS!:
Our first Phalanx squadron has been formed! They are the most fearsome warriors on the Earth! We reckon they could take Mongolia by themselves, but Alexander in his infinite wisdom says that its better to be safe than sorry and that we should build more troops. Support your Nation! Join the Army!
Next Issue: Genghis Khan eats babies!!! Ex-child care worker tells all.
(Later...)
Isabella: Hello Alexander! Have you found Buddha?
Alexander: No, not yet. Why have you come here?
Isabella: Because my scouts have found that our two nations are very close! Even closer than the Mongolians!
Alexander: That means we can be the best of friends.
Isabella:
From issue ten of the Patriot Magazine
Alexanders Information About the World (Yeah!)
Spain: The Spanish are our closest neighbours. That evil Isabella hypnotised you to think that the Mongols are closest. For that evil offence, the public enemy list now reads:
1. Isabella
2. Genghis Khan
3. Toynbee
4. Everyone else who is not Greek.
Next issue: Isabella eats even more babies than Genghis Khan! Also, a free gift card.
Omega: Sir...
Alexander: Dont tell me, another leader. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY LEADERS!!!
Narrator: Theres only 18. Thats the max the game allows, without mods anyway. But...
(Alexander tries to punch the Narrator in the face, but he disappears, making Alexander fall over.)
Alexander:
Gilgamesh: Welcome, puny mortal. I am Gilgamesh, divine leader of Sumeria. How can you assist me?
Alexander: Dont you say how can I assist you?
Gilgamesh: NO! It is a common shopkeeping phrase, how can you assist me? It is like two other ones, the shopkeeper is always right and hello, how am I today? I dont get the last one though. How is the costumer meant to know what Im thinking?
Alexander: :facepalm:
Omega: NEXT!
To be continued. Next post.
)
