It is said that in old times being accepted in the Soviet Communist Party was no easy matter, and it required passing hard exams and tests. There was one of these tests which was especially demanding and it was reserved to those young people who showed the promise to form the true cream of the party. It is said that, however, this special test was discontinued after it was passed by a young candidate named Iosef Dzugashvili. The test consisted in giving to the candidate a gun loaded with blanks (and, of course, the candidate did not know this, and believed the gun to fire real bullets). Then the candidate was told: Look, in that room there is an enemy of the people. Ask no questions, go in there and kill him or her. As a further element of the test the examiners had placed in the room the candidates mother.
Of course, the majority of candidates refused to shoot their own mother and so did not pass the test. A few did manage to shoot the old lady, perhaps because they were truly ruthless or perhaps because they were smart enough to imagine that the gun would only fire blanks. But with the young Stalin things went a different way. The examiners heard several shots, then a tremendous noise. Then Stalin came out of the room holding the gun and sayng: Why the hell did you give me a gun that doesnt work? I had to kill her using a chair!
A group of political prisoners are meeting one day in a concentration camp, somewhere in Siberia. After a day of back-breaking work, they sit eating their thin potato soup, and hearing the icy wind blowing through the broken glass of the windows of their barrack. As they hug together to get a bit of warmth, they tell each other of how they ended there. They were trozkyists, revisionists, sicophants, or other enemies of the people. One of them, though, has a long story to tell.
It was not because of politics. I was the head master of a school, a kindergarten, actually. Just that, I never got involved in politics, not at all. But one day I heard that Stalin in person was going to visit my school. So I started thinking very hard about what I could have done to impress him, and. I asked to the children if they had something that they would like to tell to comrade Stalin. So, there was this little girl, so nice, who said: Well, I would say this to comrade Stalin: my cat has just had a litter of five kittens and they all are good communists. I was delighted of having such a promising young pupil and some days afterwards, when Stalin came, I hastened to introduce her to him. So the little girl came up and said aloud: Comrade Stalin, my cat had a litter of five kittens and they are all good liberal democrats. As Stalins guards were dragging me out, I could still ask the girl a question: Why in the world did you say that? Hadnt you said last time that the kittens were all good communists? And she answered: Yes, but by now they have opened their eyes.
Stalin is giving a speech at a meeting of the Communist party. As he speaks, someone in the audience sneezes loudly. Stalin stops speaking and says Who did it?. Nobody answers, and Stalin says again, louder, WHO DID IT!. Again nobody dares to speak, so Stalin orders to the guards to take out of the room the first row of listeners and shoot them. After the noise of the shots is heard, Stalin says again: Well, who did it?. Again, no answer. So Stalin orders the guards to take out of the room a second row of people and to shoot them outside. After that, when Stalin asks again his question, a man from one of the back rows rises up and says: Well, I am sorry comrade Stalin, I did it. Stalin looks at him and says: Ah, yes comrade, God bless you.
In a Soviet pre-school, the teacher describes the Soviet Union to the children: "In the Soviet Union all kids are happy. In the Soviet Union all kids have lots of beautiful toys and live in great apartments..." Suddenly one child starts to cry and scream: "I want to go to the Soviet Union!"
A delegation from his native Georgia leaves Stalin's office after an hourly meeting. Stalin realizes that he cannot find his pipe and calls Dhzierhzynsky to find out if anyone from the delegation took his pipe. After 30 minutes Stalin finds the pipe under the table and calls Dzherzynsky to let the delegation go. Dzherzynsky answers Stalin's call: "I am sorry Comrade, but one half of the delegation already admitted that they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."
A person comes to a post office and complains: "These new stamps with Lenin do not stick..." The clerk answers: "Comrade, you probably spit on the wrong side."
What is a difference between the socialist democracy and the capitalist democracy?
The same as between the electric-chair and the armchair.
Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.
"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"
"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."
Churchill and Stalin met at the Yalta Conference, they discussed their hobbies.
Churchill told Stalin that he collected jokes people told about him.
Stalin said he collected people who told jokes about him.
Stalin and his foreign secretary, Molotov, have made a goodwill
visit to the DDR, and are returning to Moscow on the night train.
It's pitch dark. After an hour or so, Stalin says,
"I wonder where we are now?"
Molotov opens the window, put his hand outside for a second,
and says "Still in the DDR, Comrade Stalin."
Stalin is impressed, but says nothing, for fear of looking dumb.
A couple of hours later, Stalin says, "I guess we must be in
Russia by now." Molotov puts his hand outside the window again
and says, "No, Comrade Stalin, we're only in Poland."
Again Stalin is impressed but keeps quiet.
Finally after several more hours, Molotov puts his hand outside
the window and says, "Now we're in the USSR."
This time Stalin cannot contain his curiosity, and demands to know
how Molotov can find his way in the dark.
After a bit of hesitation, Molotov replies,
"Well, to tell the truth, Josef Vissarionovich,
the first time I put my hand outside, somebody kissed it, so I knew we were still in the DDR.
The second time, somebody spat on it, so I knew we were still in Poland The third time, somebody stole my watch, so I knew we were in the Soviet Union..."
A teacher asks:
- Vovochka, who is your father?
- Comrade Stalin.
- Well, who is your mother?
- Our Soviet motherland.
- And what do you want to be?
- An orphan....
Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev on a train
The three of them were on a train cruising across the Trans-Siberian railroad. The train comes to a hill and starts to decelerate until it comes to a complete stop. The three men resolve to get the train going again. Each of them proposes a solution.
STALIN: Kill the driver!
KHRUSHCHEV: No, we must not kill the driver. Instead, we must convince the driver that, for the good of the Party and the homeland, he must fix the train and motivate him to do so.
BREZHNEV: I have a better solution. Why not simply pull the curtain and pretend that we are still moving?
What do you know and who have you been talking to?
