The Journey of a Thousand Fails Begins With a Single Deity Game

I'm going to put it this way: I'm not very good at this game.

I've been working hard to master Noble and move up to Prince, playing Noble's Club games and so forth. I suppose I start to feel pretty insignificant in the face of people who regularly beat Emperor and Immortal difficulties. Anyway, I thought to myself: you know what? Screw (can I say "screw" on the forums?) the part of me that says I'm a noob. I can do what I want right? So, I fired up Neoteric World, and started a game.

On Deity.

Easiest game I ever played. Conquest victory in 500 AD.

Nah, just kidding. I really don't even need a spoiler over that fact that I had my @&$ handed to me. But its not really the victory (or lack thereof) that matters. It's the incredible streak of horrible luck that made this game so hilarious for me.

Settings:


But who will lead the charge against the greatest of all ai's? Was I to fight with Caesar and his mighty Praetorians? Cyrus and his elite Immortals? Hitler??? (yes you can play as him in NW)

I knew whoever I chose, they must be vicious, never giving up until the last enemy is vanquised. They must be cunning, brilliant, and be able to strike fear into their enemies with the very sound of...


No matter. He did... stuff. Right? Anyway, I founded my capital, blah blah blah the game started. Went worker-->worker-->settler for some expansion. I sent my scouts east to find suitable land, and they found some. Unfortunately, the Lions sort of had it taken.



Okay, so my scouts got eaten 7 turns into the game. I'm still in this. Sort of.

I settled a few more cities to the east, got a bunch of warriors eaten by Lion attacks, and met Charlemagne. Later, I met the Vikings, and the turn after he got some random event that converted all of my cities to Buddhism. Thinking this would be easy happiness, I converted.

Unfortunately, Charlemagne had also converted- to Hinduism. The "We are upset you have fallen under the sway of a heathen religion" was all he needed to justify a holy war on me. Not to worry- I'll just build some axemen and get some stacks in my cities, right?

Oh wait, I couldn't build any because I didn't have any copper.
Or Iron.
Heck, I didn't really have anything other than shrimp and opium (Which I couldn't get at since it was pre-calendar).

Regardless, my brave Congolese soldiers prepared for battle. The HRE, having spawned about 10 squares away from me, had a stack of archers and axes outside of my capital about 3 turns after declaring war. I had... heck I was researching ARCHERY by the time this happened. I had a cute little stack of warriors. They actually managed to hold out for a turn, long enough to get an archer into the fray, but everyone died the next turn.
So, I lost my capital. But I had three other cities across my empire, ready to pick up the reins. On the southernmost border of my empire, a Holy Roman scout mas poking its head around. I decided to swat it down with a warrior for an easy xp point and maybe an influence boost. The odds were 99.1% in my favor.

The scout won.



So lions had eaten my first few units. So I lost my Capital before 1 AD. So my warriors were being killed by scouts. I was IN this fight to the bitter, bloody end. And bitter and Bloody it was.

I'll post part 2 if there's any interest in this story.

For Zaire! I mean the Congo! Uhmm wait what's the name of our country again? Sorry history joke there but continue! I played diety on a earth map with every civ in it...that was a fun and hilarious game too so I can only imagine what your game was like considering I didn't get past turn 24....anyways continue for the CONGO!

i would like to see more, preferably with lots more pictures

Part 2:

Now presenting part 2, in the most awesome font ever created....

COMIC SANS

So things have been going great as usual in the Great Empire o' the Congo. With the HRE driven before them, they were quick to use their tactical genius to establish total control of the continent.

Meanwhile, in reality...

Life was... not so great for the people of the Congo. If the war wasn't enough, the people themselves were crippling my military production by rioting in the cities.

Spoiler :

The Congolese demonstrate their unwavering loyalty in the face of invasion.

With my capital taken and a scout wiping out my soldiers, I decided to go for a primarily military build order. My plan was to make tons of archers seeing as I didn't have copper, iron, horses, or... anything. Hopefully I could take back my capital, or at least hold out long enough for peace. This plan was thwarted (like every other plan I've tried so far). What made it different, though, was that instead of the HRE messing with me, this was caused by my own people. Apparently, having the Capital taken made them kind of upset, and a group of rebels had declared their intentions. I got a popup saying they intended to fight for their independence unless some demands were met (which I forgot), with a thing at the end saying "Your Advisors Recommend Rejecting the Terms."

Well, they're my advisors, right? They wouldn't intentionally screw me over, would they?? I rejected the terms, expecting one of my cities to have some disorder for a few turns.

EVERY SINGLE CITY REBELLED AGAINST ME.

Spoiler :

I didn't even know that could happen.

CURSE YOU ADVISORS. CURSE YOU TO THE DARKEST PIT OF TARTARUS.

Basically, everyone in my empire decided that they'd had enough of Mobutu. A new leader, who took to calling himself "Mansa Musa", was gathering the locals for a three-pronged assult on my remaining empire . To make matters worse, the riots meant I couldn't produce ANYTHING, including soldiers to quell the uprising . To make matters WORSER, the HRE was marching on my cities themselves with a huge force of axes .

You know, just in case the rebels didn't finish me off themselves.

Also, my reaction to all of this happening:

Spoiler :

Putin is not amused.

Maybe it was time to go back to noble...

Part 3 should be along shortly.

Comic Sans!!!!!!!!!!

I likes this story

SouthernKing approves of this story before Mosher can get here.

This thread has been subbed/taken over by the Red Team.

Red_Spy said:

This thread has been subbed/taken over by the Red Team.

Click to expand...

Well ain't that a knife in the back.

Thanks for the interest guys, P3 is in progress. Just need to find a good reaction face .

A quick note to anyone following this:

I just realized how to include more than 3 pictures in a post. Originally this whole thing was going to be 1 post, but I thought there was an image cap. Also, according to a viewer, this thread has been infiltrated by Red spies. Keep a lookout for any.

Anyhow...

When we last left off, Mobutu and his Congolese empire was faltering. Rebels had risen in droves, the Holy Roman Empire was invading, and none of this could be stopped by the power of Comic Sans.

The entire empire was in an uproar. The few civilians that didn't join the rebels outright were sure to support their cause.



Mansa Musa and his rebels had amassed an army around all three of the remaining Congolese cities. And wouldn't you know it, all of the rebel units were Skirmishers, the Mali unique.



Each of the three Rebel forces was around the size of the city garrison, making each fight a coin toss for its respective city. And, in the tradition of my horrible luck, I lost 2 out of 3 of them, including my new capital.



So basically, I had 1 city left, as well as two enemies who were both stronger than me.
I decided to try and make peace with the HRE, if only as the last act of a desperate man.

I opened up a window with Charl- HOLY #*$% HES A RED SPY



Umm... okay. Anyway, I decided on what I thought was a fair treaty: All of his cities, techs, and gold, in exchange for peace with the mighty Congo. Somehow, he found my proposal unreasonable. Some people....

Regardless, Mobutu found himself in a peculiar situation. Peculiar in that there were about 5-10 turns left before a Rebel/HRE/Red Mercenary army came and wiped him out.
That happened two turns later.

So basically, The Congolese Empire was wiped out by a combination of infighting and foreign invasion before the Common Era. I waited for the defeat screen to see a neat little map and, supposedly, a message comparing me to Dan Quayle. However, I got something a little different instead...



You see, in Neoteric World, should your empire fall, you will take control of a "Minor Civ", a barbarian city that has been left alone for so long it develops its own culture. I had no idea this could happen until I found myself ruling over a tribe of Polaks in the middle of a coastal valley.

Mobutu had apparently fled the destruction of his people (the jerk) and ventured to Krakow, where he changed his name to Lech Walesa and set himself up as ruler.

And hey! They had built I big force of archers! THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY #%*&ING HELPFUL 20 TURNS AGO

So here I am, on the other side of the continent, ready to do... something....

What does Civfanatics say? Does the destruction of my original Civ mean the story is over? Or do you wish a sequel, starring the Polaks as heirs to the Congolese Empire?

Also, the Red Spy pic I used belongs to Kanti-Kane. Her original version is here: http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=&section=&q=red+spy#/d1gx7gy

i say you continue failing all the way up to the 20th century

Nice story, keep going.

I agree keep going for Konrad! I mean Poland!

Keep going. This story is good as a sandvich.

It seems like your old Viking friends are there too

hoplitejoe said:

i say you continue failing all the way up to the 20th century

Click to expand...

I'm just hoping I don't run out of minor civs before then. Judging by my current position, the Polaks aren't long for this world if they can't start sucking up to Ragnar.

This game has gone down as the biggest fail of my entire Civ 4 experience. In 7 years of playing this game, never before have things gone so horribly. As many of you have read, I have had my armies eaten by lions, defeated by scouts, and every single city in my empire rebel against me at the same time.

Gentlemen...

The conclusion of this AAR.

Yes, I said conclusion. The game ends here. In fact, it ended with the One Fail to Rule Them All. Also, I decided to use some of the pics from my collection as the "reactions". Don't worry, they're safe for work.

When we last left our intrepid heroes, they had just been wiped off the face of the earth. But fear not, boys and girls! Neoteric World's play-after-you-die rules switched me to Poland. I was ready to start a new empire from scratch. Giddy with exitement, I pressed the turn button, ready to start anew.

And then this happened:



If you look at the picture, you'll notice 3 things out of the ordinary.
They are:

1. The popup is saying I disconnected from the game.
2. The popup is saying I disconnected from an OFFLINE game, WHICH YOU CAN'T DISCONNECT FROM BECAUSE ITS NOT USING A CONNECTION.
3. I'm controlling the lion that ate my scout on turn 7.

Apparently, the game decided it was going too easy on me, mad and booted my new civ.

Greeeeaaaaaaat......



Now what? Would it boot me to ANOTHER CIV? Who would I get this time? The rebels who just destroyed my cities?

As it turns out, the game gave me this guy:



A FISHING BOAT? IT GAVE ME A FISHING BOAT?
Now I know the game loves messing with me, but......

....wait........

Did that say it belonged to the Iroquois?

Yes... it did....



So... It gave me the most powerful civ on the continent...


Well ain't that somethin'.

Also, what's this?



I have a stack of doom 4 tiles away from the guy who killed me?

Oh, this was going to be good....

Preparing for the greatest revenge in Civ 4 history, I gathered a massive force at Charlie's border. I would sweep through his territory, reclaim my old lands, and reinstate my original city as capital of the most powerful empire in the land. And then I would win my first deity game.

It was foolproof. No one had the strength to chalange my newfound friends. I could take out 2 or 3 of them without building anything. Was the game really going to give me a ray of heavenly light? Would I actually win this??

No.

The turn I had gathered my forces at Charlies borders, the game crashed.

Yup.



I'm not even making this up. It crashed a turn away from the most awesome feat in my gaming life. To sum it all up, I stated with horrible luck, had a huge horrible luck streak, then thought I had good luck and then realized it was just more horrible luck. I probably didn't play very well either.

Anyways, I feel kind of sorry about this, since maybe you guys were expecting something a little more awesome. So yeah. I might try another shot at this later, and I'll be sure to tell you if it doesn't crash, so.....

....wait a minute....

Wasn't there a Red Spy a while back?

HOLY #$*(@% SPY SAPPIN MAH GAME. THIS IS ALL YOUR DOING. ARGGGGHHHHHHHH


-Until next Time, Copaczin

Well not much game-play happened but I enjoyed the final update none the less.
Will we see any more stories from you?

There was a spy in red awhile back.

hoplitejoe said:

Well not much game-play happened but I enjoyed the final update none the less.
Will we see any more stories from you?

Click to expand...

Yeah, sorry about the lack of gameplay.

I was going to do a Round 2 of the Deity Game, plus I have plenty of other stories to tell . So yes, I'll be making more stories, the first of which will be a sort of apology AAR for the first one crashing.

Also, to Red Spy:

I'M STILL TRYING TO GET THAT KNIFE OUT OF MY BACK. I'M PLAYING AS A PYRO NEXT TIME.