A Perfection in need! (Deserves Help Indeed)

Hi-Ho, since I've been a VITAL member of this forum for a VERY long time, I think it's time for me to get something back from you freeloaders

I have a stupid board game assignment at school and I need some help coming up with chance cards. Heres the deal:
This is a murder trial, you are the defendant, a chance card is an evnet that impacts the disicion, unfortuantly I'm running out of creativity to come up with more humorous ones and I don't want to resort to (shudder) realistic solutions. Red chips are bad, Blue chips are good. heres the ones I came up with:

1. Your lawyer goes psycho and joins a tribe of Eskimo Warriors; get new lawyer.
2. Prosecutor makes speech with toilet paper stuck to shoe; lose a red chip.
3. Court reporter has heart attack, you save him with CPR; gain a blue chip.
4. Your own mother testifies against you; gain five red chips
5. Aid police by testifying in another case; gain one blue chip and give a red chip to the opponent of your choice.
6. Prosecutor debunks your ballistics expert when she can’t explain the differences between a fully automatic M-16 and a Daisy Air-rifle; gain two red chips
7. The prosecutor’s expert witness is debunked after it is revealed that he is actually a trained chimp with a wig; lose two red chips.
8. The prosecutor feels sorry for you after spilling scalding hot coffee into your lap; gain two blue chips.
9. You ate too many bean burritos before the trial; gain two red chips.
10. Your expert witness on group hypnosis is a big hit; gain three blue chips.
11. During your testimony the judge sighs and rolls his eyes; gain a red chip.
12. Booooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiinnnnnnggggggg; nothing happens.
13. Your main trial strategy fails after giving the judge a “Get out of Jail Free” card from your Monopoly set doesn’t grant you your freedom; gain two red chips.
14. You crack up jury when prosecution lawyer asks for the time and you respond with, “It’s time for Telletubbies;” gain one blue chip.
15. Accidentally come to trial with a shirt reading, “I hate you;” gain three red chips.
16. Starting a courtroom brawl is NOT a good way to impress a jury; gain two red chips.
17. You and the Judge share a deep level “trekkie bond;” gain one blue chip
18. Deep genealogical research and DNA testing proves that you actually do have a long lost evil twin. Gain five blue chips.
19. Your maniacal cackling is annoying the Jury; gain two red chips.
20. You give a sneezing juror your hanky; gain one blue chip.
21. You accidentally taped “Fear Factor” over the security camera footage; lose one blue chip.
22. The prosecutor uses his “voodoo magic” against you; gain one red chip.
23. Apparently a message from the Ouija Board is considered inadmissible in court; gain one red chip.
24. When the judge asks the prosecutor for a copy of his subpoena he responds with, “My dog ate it;” gain two blue chips.
25. You let the Judge borrow your 1969 GTO; gain two blue chips
26. On the way to the courthouse the judge sees you fish a half-eaten ham-sandwich out of the dumpster behind a medical waste recycling firm; gain one red chip.

27. Prosocution witness is Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf; gain 4 blue chips
28. The glove fits; gain 3 red chips

Good job eddie, However I'm not going to use the first one out of the insane amount of PC our school demands for Muslims

It was very funny though

28. You don't realize your shirt is covered in blood; gain two red chips.
29. You start singing "It's gettin' hot in herre," and everyone (even the judge) dances and starts taking off all their clothes. Gain one blue chip.
30. Your lawyer takes off his face-mask and turns out to be the orangutang from the Tang commercials; gain one red chip.
31. You come in a vampire costume, not realizing Halloween is tomorrow. An old lady in the jury dies of fright, falls on top of the person next to her, who falls off the thing that the jury sits in, and he slips on a banana peel (no one knows how it got there), collapsing onto the prosecution desk, messing up all of the prosecutor's papers. Gain five red chips.
32. When the prosecution calls you a smart man, your lawyer shouts, "Objection! That is not in any way true!" Lose one blue chip.
33. The judge turns out to be the creator of the show, "Telletubies," who loves everyone. Gain three blue chips.

Oopsie, accidentally quoted myself instead of edited my post.

34- You are cornered in the street by a man with a radioactive noodle. Gain 4 red chips.

35- You are being prosecuted for a crime when the jury annouces a 4 hour recess because they crave Ya-Ya's chicken. Gain 1 blue chip.

Keep 'Em comin!

Oh and one more thing, you have lawyer cards (I've allready made them) so you can't make refrences to your lawyer's identity.

36) When asked to take the stand, you get nervous, attempt to flee the courtroom while screaming, and need to be subdued by several bailiffs. Gain 3 red chips.

37) When taking your oath on the stand you have to ask the judge which one is your right hand and which is your left. Gain 1 red chip.

38) In a special circumstance, the judge has allowed the jury to be made up of 12 of your ex-girl/boy friends. Lose all your blue chips and gain 5 red chips...you're screwed.

39) When calling for order in the court room, the end of the gavel flies off and hits your lawyer square in the temple, knocking him out cold. Get a new lawyer card.

40) By answering "42" to every question the prosecutor asks, you not only manage to clear your name, but solve a few of life's little mysteries along the way. Gain 5 blue chips.

41) When asked where you were on a certain date, your response of "Seeing how many swigs of moonshine it takes before I can't hit anymore of dem pigeons with my 9mm" doesn't go over well. Gain 3 red chips.

42) In the middle of the prosecutor's cross-examination of your testimony, a friend calls you on your cell phone. You proceed to answer it. Lose 1 blue chip.

Originally posted by Perfection
Good job eddie, However I'm not going to use the first one out of the insane amount of PC our school demands for Muslims

It was very funny though

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You could always put "Iraqi Information Minster" with the name to work!

43: A successful bribe attempt towards the judge. Lose 5 red chips, lose 1 blue chip (bribes don't come for free)

44: A failed bribe attempt towards the judge. Gain 7 red chips.

45: You're a very sexy girl, and you manage to close a "deal" with the judge. Lose all your red chips, gain all the blue chips.

46: You're a cute girl and you wear a mini-skirt to the trail. Gain 3 blue chips.

47: You're a fat man and you try to wear a mini-skirt to the trail, only to realize it doesn't fit. Gain 2 red chips.

48: A timetwister occurs. Trial restarts, and all chips are reset to default amount.

49. Your lawyer is actually a Jedi, gain 2 blue chips.

I love you all so much, I need as many as you can come up with in three hours, remembr they must be school appropriate cough*Yaniv* Cough

Originally posted by Perfection
I love you all so much, I need as many as you can come up with in three hours, remembr they must be school appropriate cough*Yaniv* Cough

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Well, that takes the fun out of everything!

Perhaps you were expecting something along the line of this:

50: A little girl walks in, drops her doll, and you pick it up for her. Gain 1 bue chip.

51 you get to the court house and there is nobody there as they forgot about you gain 1 blue chip

52 the Judge gets drunk during your trial and shoots him self 1 Red Chip

53 You get Hungary and eat all your Chips all chips are removed

Originally posted by Yaniv
50: A little girl walks in, drops her doll, and you pick it up for her. Gain 1 bue chip.

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Hmm, or:

54. A little girl walks in, drops her doll, and you pick it up for her. You don't realize it is covered in grease, and you pat the little girl's head. Grease drips down into her eyes, and she starts crying, and yelling that you're an evil man. You try to make it better by giving her a lollypop. She then sucks on it, and five minutes later drops dead from food poisoning. Gain five red chips.



55. Your mom bakes cookies for the judge. Everyone knows how long it can take for a trial to begin, and the cookies are a year old when the judge recieves them. Gain one red chip.

56. You come into the courtroom smelling like rum. Lose a blue chip.

57. For some reason, your lawyer gives you a blue chip. Gain a blue chip.

58. Your idea of entertaining the jury with a strip act didn't go over too well. Gain two red chips.

59. Spare change falls out of the prosecuting lawyer's pocket, and you yell, "Money!!!" and collapse onto the ground, picking up every penny that you can. Gain a red chip.

60. Find out the Prosecution's key witness was beneficiary on the insurance policy... lose 2 red chips.

61. Your lawyer unconciously hums showtunes from "Cats" during testimony. Madam Foreperson *HATED* "Cats". Gain 3 red chips.

Well, Gee I hand them it in and then you come up with the ideas

You guys are useless

I Am no longer in need so bug off!

Originally posted by Perfection
Well, Gee I hand them it in and then you come up with the ideas

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Hand them it in then you come in with ideas?

Why are you speaking gibberish to me?

Originally posted by china444
Hand them it in then you come in with ideas?

Why are you speaking gibberish to me?

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It took me a while to understand it too, but he's saying "I already turned in my board game assignment to the people at my school, and now you guys give me ideas?"

Sorry, Perfection, I guess ol' silly me read "in three hours" and thought I had to give you ideas within three hours of the current time, instead of three hours within the time you posted.

I must now kill myself, rather than live with such dishonor and disgrace.