Karnage of the Kingdom of the Kongo

I'M BACK BABEH!


Link to video.

Yup. I asked you guys to pick out a mod and civilizations, but... Looks like I'm picking them! Clearly, RFCDC (Which explains the ACDC!) won so I picked three DC stories! Plus FIVE more! So, I'm going to be bringing y'all eight stories! So, without further ado, the Karnage of the Kingdom of the Kongo!



Chapter I

One day...



Mbemba: Boy, this Afrika is bull and doring... I mean dull and boring... Or it was...
Adviser: Achievement unlocked: Unite the tribes of the Kongo!
Mbema: Oh, you raskal, thanks for spoiling the story! There goes the suspense...
Adviser: Look, we don't have time for this. Didn't you read the Dawn of Man text?
Mbema: But this is the Dawn of Civilization, not the Dawn of Man!
Adviser: Ugh, not another idiotik king...
Mbemba: Another?
Adviser: I think I was the advisor to the king of Spain, a man named "Giovanni," and a terrible baseball player in other lives.
Mbemba: Kool, but what is this "Dawn of Man" text?
Adviser: Well, if you would have read it, you would know the Europeans have gotten bored killing each other and are expanding to Afrika. And they will konquer every last civ, inkluding us.
Mbemba: Gulp... Let's get started. We need a kapital for the Kongo...
Adviser: It should have Kongo in it, but we don't want anyone to get konfused...
Mbemba: We need a random word to go in front of it...
Adviser: What about King?
Mbemba: That's stupid, I wish I kould smak you in the bak of your head with mah banjo - That's it! Mbanjo Kongo!






Mbemba: You lair, there's no Europeans. Whoa, look, a chik!



Isabella: Hello, heathen. How you doing?
Mbemba: Fine, thanks. So, you are the kween of Kastile?
Isabella: Yup. Hey, you wanna konvert to khristianity?
Mbemba: Nah, it hasn't spread to my cities. So, anyway, as a matter of fact, my unkle was the king of kast-
Isabella: Kool, kool. uh-huh, so, you reallllllllllllllly should konvert to Katholikism or else we'll kill you.
Mbemba: Pft, you, or any of your neighbors, especially ones that start with "P" and build karracks and spawn musketman outside of my cities, kould never, ever deklare war on me. Goodbye!
Adviser: Wow...
Mbemba: Yeesh, what a drama kween! I hope that is the last of the Euros.
Louis XIV: BLAHGHHAARLGHLLLAAAARGH!



Mbemba: Get him out of my sight!
Adviser: Well, our kingdom is growing. But the stupid Impis keep koming.



Mbemba: Our pombos were made to pwn, we kan defeat them. We kan't let them take over our cities. What if a European nation does try to kill us?
Adviser: Nah...



Adviser: They just keep koming... If they pillaged our fields, that would be a disaster!



Lorenzo D. Mediki: Hiya. I'm the leader of Italy.
Mbemba: And I'm the king of the Kongo, what do you want, a kookie?
Lorenzo:
Mbamba: I'm sorry...



Mbemba: I feel... sad...
Adviser: Well don't, we will soon have kopper!






Mbemba: No, our army suks. We need an Afrikan War Elephant. A Phoenician one.



Adviser: I hope this works... We will survive!
*DING-DONG*
Mbemba: Look, I told you, I paid my taxes, what do you want?! Oh, sorry, I thought... Never mind... What do you want?
Man 1: I have a business proposition. You see, we kome from a rich kingdom, like the Kongo. Now, we can offer you a lump of gold, whatever the kost, for a piece of your land. We only wish to expand our civilization.
Mbamba: Who are you? What do you want?
Man 2: My name is Afonso, his name is Diogo. Our king wishes for you to return what is rightfully his back to its owner. We are just the middlemen. We hope you kan cede over a portion of your land peacefully. We will go as high as 200 gold.
Mbemba: What do you want me to give up?
Diogo: Oh, just your kapital, Mbanjo Kongo. We hope you will make the right choice. For, that territory is rightfully the krown's.
Mbemba: Never! Take impi infested land, but not my kapital!
Afonso: I'm sorry you feel that way, Mbemba. Our kingdom kan easily defeat you. We massakre and enslave thousands of you people each and every day. We want you to give up the city peacefully, we don't want to see any bloodshed, especially since it will be of your armies.
Mbemba: No, no, no! I'm a new king! And the blood will be your soldiers, not mine! We are not afraid to slaughter! Your king is a savage barbarian!
Diogo: Mr. Mbemba, our king is the king of kings, God. He will guide us. He is just. He knows who the viktor is. God is our shield, armor, and sword. You are facing a battle you kannot possibly win. Just return the land to the krown. God has granted us karracks and musketmen, they will rain down fire on your empire until it is a smoldering waste land. Our kingdom never sleeps. We value konkwest as much as exploration. We have examined you for years. You should have seen this koming, didn't you read the Dawn of Man text?
Adviser: Told you.
Mbemba: Who are you?
Afonso, We, Mr. Mbemba, are the Kingdom of Portugal. We will enslave your people and take your town. Every last man, woman, and child will be killed or enslaved. You kan give up the land peacefully and lose one city, or fight until every last Kongolese is murdered in a war, no, even deadlier than war - karnage. You have one last chance. Say yes to our offer, for there is only one right answer.
Mbemba: No...

He's back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay for underrated civs in DoC!

Here here!

Chapter II

Adviser: Portuguese forces have arrived! And in huge numbers! They have some mystikal devises that shoot balls of lead!
Portuguese Musketman: This is my boom stik!
Mbemba: What are the chances of viktory?
Adviser: Much higher than you'd think.
Mbemba: We kan't let the Portuguese set up their Ports of Portugal here. We must defend it at all kosts! Attack!



Mbemba: Son of a silly! We won! And inspired a Great General!
Great General: Call me Dave. We have a problem: There still are a few porties left and the impis are koming.
Mbemba: Kill the impis first. They're not attacking the Portuguese, something dirty is going on...



Adviser: They are retreating! We win! War weariness will kick in!
Dave: Not yet...



Mbemba: Ugh... Kill every last Portie! Massakre! Massakre!



Joao: Please don't hurt me... I just got put in a Civ Story and I don't want to die all ready...



Adviser: Our second city is thriving. But our military is quite small. A large impi invasion would be terrible. Hopefully the Portuguese won't come back...




Afonso de Alburquerque: Are you upset? We didn't take control of the Kongo? My mission to the east was much more successful. I mean, I captured Oman and Yemen for us. I even stood up to the Mughals. (???) But you, you couldn't even stand up to the Kongo, which is really technologikally behind. Portugal yearns to expand, but you hold her back.
Joao: This wasn't a complete waste... Trust me... You see, I didn't just send my army to the Kongo. All of Afrika will fall to the mighty Kingdom of Portugal... And you want to know why those impis were there? They were refugees too frightened to attack our musketmen! Today, Mozambique! Tommorrow, the Kongo! The next day... I have bowling so we can't do it then... The day after that, the world!

constantinople said:

Afonso de Alburquerque: My mission to the east was much more successful. I mean, I captured Oman and Yemen for us. I even stood up to the Mughals. (???)

Click to expand...

This isn't the last you will hear about this. Hint: Portugal, the Kongo, and one more story will tie this puzzle together...

But when will you attak Portugal direktly?

*ahem* BA DA DU DUH DA DU DA DO SUBSCRIBE
aka:sub'd

oh and which DoC start is this? if this is the 3000 BC start i don't know how you sat through all those auto-play turns

constantinople said:

This isn't the last you will hear about this. Hint: Portugal, the Kongo, and one more story will tie this puzzle together...

Click to expand...

It's a CONSPIRACY!

it always is man...
...it always is...

Chapter III




Adviser: Good news, we finally have sekured our kopper! Hopefully the impis don't maul it like usual!



Willem van Oranje: Hi, Mbemba. I hope our civilizations kan live in peace. At least until we kolonize Afrika - South Afrika.
Mbemba: Kool.
Mbemba (to adviser): We need to kill him...
Adviser: Um, it looks like someone has kolonized territory near us...



Mbemba: Dang it, Portugal!
Adviser: At least relations between European kountries will be fraktured. The Reformation.
Mbemba: Kay, kay. Tolerate the new sekts.



Adviser: We've found the alleged city - Kwelimane.
Mbemba: We need to take it back in the name of Afrika...



Adviser: We've met some new civs to help us out...



Mbemba: Will you help us out, Lizzy and her handsome husband, Admiral Akbar?
Lizzy: Oh, we're not dating... If anything, he hates me for killing millions of Mughals...
Akbar:
Mbemba: Oh... Well, will you support us in a war against Portugal?
Lizzy: Yes, but for my interests- I mean, yeah, good luck!
Mbemba: Good...




Adviser: Will we defeat the Porties, or will we not? Find out next time!

ah darnit, i forgot wut i was gonna type...
oh well

hai

Chapter IV

Adviser: We've reached the outskirts of Kwelimane. What do we do?
Mbemba: Heheh, skirt. ...Wait what? Gosh, I never expekted to make it this far... Pillage the plantation - in revenge!



Mbemba: Begin the bombarding!
Joao: Wow, katapults... I expekted a better show from you. The Portuguese will never surrender! We're in no way konnected with France!



Mehmed: Greetings traveler. Are you a Khristian or a Muslim?
Mbemba: Is there a right answer?
Mehmed: Well, if you are a Muslim, that would the the definition of awesome, but if you are a Khristian, I would stab you with a dagger right here and now...
Mbemba: Well, my kingdom has no state religion, but I've always believed in Islam...
Mehmed: Great! We both have similar names, are Muslims, and hate the Euros! I just might make open borders with you before I bekome Friendly! ...Might...



Adviser: He seemed nice.
Mbemba: Yes, I think I may have be the king of the Ottomans in a future life...




Citizen 1: Shouldn't you be doing more work? All you do is sit around and do nothing? You're lazy as heck. I feel like we won't have a more lazy leader for 290 years who renames this kountry a stupid name.
Mbemba: That was kwite a prediktion...
Citizen 2: The point is, you just sit around on your heinie doing nothing. We've had it! If you need is laziness to be the king, I want to be the king!
Mbemba: I'm not doing nothing, I just... Have nothing to do. There's a huge difference. And since I'm the king, I kan get away with it! Like how I got away with plundering your farms and burning your houses down!
Citizens 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 ,13, 15, 68, 45, 61, 90, 14, 6783, 13579, 124, 12 again, 87, 12587093751096.9081508513, 157130951.00, and 27:
Mbemba: Wait, I didn't tell you?
Adviser: ...RUN!!!







PEW PEW PEW! BEW, PEW, AUGHGHSKDAGHKLADS!!! PEW! BEW! BOOOOOM! AUISDAHGL! PEW BEW!!1 ASHFKSDAGHKAL!!!



Pombos: The city *pant* ...has fallen...



Mbemba: Yay!
Citizen 3: Well, I guess you have done something, finally...
Citizen 5: What do you plan on doing next, oh wise but perhaps kind of slow One?
Mbemba: I will unite all of Sub-Saharan Afrika under my RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...
Mbemba: Wait, kind of slow?!
To be kontinued...

I forgot to mention this, but the first several chapters will be really short, but by the end, the last chapters will inklude 25-ish piktures like usual. There will be 18 chapters total.

these chapters feel pretty moderate sized to me, but okie dokie

Chapter V

Mbemba: Finally, the Portuguese are out of Afrika, I suppose, but I kan't see all of Afrika so I kannot make any good judgments...!
Adviser: Their navy must be pissed.



Mbemba: Send out our triremes to taunt them.



Mbemba: Hey, I rekall one of your friends agreeing to sign open borders...
Suleiman: I don't know what you're talking about...
Mbemba: Fear the Pombos! We have slaughtered the Portuguese without losing a unit!
Suleiman: Well, that is a plus. Those foreigners have been wreaking havok akross the Middle East, they somehow managed to defeat our allies the Mughals, who are now the eternal slaves to Britain. Fine, we can establish open borders.



Adviser: What do we do now?
Mbemba: There is so much to do. One, the British are expanding to the south. They have klaimed Zulu territory, hopefully the Zulu will take it back. Two, there are still the Maasi to the east, who keep on terrorizing and bullying our troops for their lunch money. Three, the Kongo is not entirely ours. Luckily, we have settlers to klaim another chunk of the Kongo.



Adviser: I guess the Portuguese are chickens. They haven't attacked our triremes. Wow, kan't even sink a trireme. The Romans used those, you know.
Mbemba: What's a Romans?
Adviser: I don't know, some Ottomans were bragging about how they nuked them in a future life.



Mbemba: Well, well, well, look who kame krawling back?
Joao: Who?
Mbemba: Oh. I was talking about my wife. Well, well, well, look who thought they could defeat the Kongo?
Joao: But you deklared war on us.
Mbemba: Oh. I was talking about the British. Well, well, well, look who is terrible at exploring!
Joao: How dare you?!
Mbemba: Ready for peace?
Joao: Fine. How about this?



Mbemba: Fine.
Adviser: I don't like that treaty.
Mbemba: You never like anything!
Adviser:
Mbemba: I'm sorry, I've just had a rough day. The danged impis are once again mocking our troops.



Adviser: Well, I have good news. We have konnekted koast to koast via land and road!



Mbemba: Yay!
Adviser: And at the expense of 100,000 slaves!
Slave: We demand reforms!
Mbemba: Oh my Adviser, kwit komplaining for five sekongds! You are slaves, you should be honored to breathe in by direktion! This is unakceptable!
Slave: Well, we are going on strike until konditions improve!
Adviser: Shall we kill him?
Mbemba: Yup.
Adviser:
Mbemba: I suppose I kould allow some reforms. I mean, our government is outdated kompared to Europe.



Mbemba: Things are looking...



Mbemba: I've had it with this... One day, the Maasi will fall... We will unite Afrika under one flag and one leader...

To be kontinued...

kick the butts of all the krappy europeans

Subbed!!!! Man, I hope one of those other five stories are in SoI.

Impis just like to screw around in general. They pillage your improvements, steal your workers, then die miserably to any unit.

Unite Africa! I would use a k, but that spelling tends to bring back unpleasant memories of IRL history.

If you'd have found your second city on the copper, you would have been able to build a harbour (new addition).

danjuno said:

Unite Africa! I would use a k, but that spelling tends to bring back unpleasant memories of IRL history.

Click to expand...

The Dutch call(ed) it Afrika too.