The Young Turks

constantinople · Sep 23, 2013

Chapter I: Don't Count Your Stantinople Before it's Conquered by the Ottomans

It is the year 1280. April 3rd. Grand Mediocre Duke Sultan King Prince Lord Sir Kaiser Sillyman ibn Allah has dawned a smelly onion on his head and declared himself King of the Turkeys. He has vowed to capture the city of Constantinople (not Istanbul) and recapture his stolen Ottoman. He has raised an army of skilled soldiers, couch potatoes, and prisoners preforming "community service" and is preparing to siege the semi-holy Byzantine city. Nothing can stop him. Actually, several things can stop him but they won't stop him! For he descends from the mighty Seljerk Terks, who pillaged the lands and never held doors for their wives. With that messy, evil blood in his veins, Sillyman wields absolute power and was destined for glory!

Spoiler :

"The time is now. 12:18. Time for lunch," said the Sultan, as his stomach growled for human flesh.
"Sire, our forces are ready to attack the city," said one of Sillyman's advisers, "It appears the Byzantine Empire collapsed. The city is weaker than ever and divided. But we've noticed something odd about it..."

Spoiler :

"Aw, how cute," said Sillyman. He clapped his hands together and flashed a teethy smile.
Turkic missionaries took advantage of this and entered the grand city. They converted a potion of the populace to Islam. They gained support by handing out complementary coupons for free burritos at Burger Sultan.
The Byzantine Emperor (who was really just a regular Emperor) allowed this, but he was probably just too lazy to bother persecuting non-Christians. It's hard being the emperor, trust me.

Spoiler :

Randomly, the vile, heathen Byzzies canceled the open border agreement. All Ottomans in the Empire were expelled to Anatolia.
"What?! Those monsters! Take down the city!" shouted Sillyman.
"Yessir!" fiercely replied Mohammad, the military adviser.
Turkic soldiers poured into Byzantine territory. The Turks set up a small fort outside of Constantinople (not Istanbul) to bombard the city and make obscene gestures to the emperor.

Spoiler :

Ottoman cavalry charged into the city. The battle would've been an epic bloodshed, but several soldiers forget their arches at the base so they had to turn around in the midst of combat. Legend says that during the battle, an angel swooped down into Constantinople (not Istanbul), and turned the Byzantine Emperor into Frozen Carbonate. Then, the angel carried the emperor over the greasy Roman Roads and dropped him so he shattered into a zillion pieces. This could represent the shattering of the Byzantine Empire, or maybe the angel saw that epic scene from Terminator 2 where the bad guy breaks like glass, it's really hard to tell.
"Finally, Constantinople (not Istanbul) has been conquered. The Roman Empire is dead, and I am its slayer," remarked Sillyman.
The Sultan finally was able to reign from his royal Ottoman. He named his empire after this piece of furniture: the Ottoman Empire. But the Sultan wouldn't stop there. He would unite all of the Mediterranean and the former Byzantine Empire under his semi-brutal regime! Or die trying. Preferably he lived.

Spoiler :

Dumanios · Sep 24, 2013

Ah yes, another Constantinople story, or should I say Istanbul story?

Link to video.

mrrandomplayer · Sep 24, 2013

Yay for bad puns as chapter titles! Also, in addition to being a Byzantophile, I am also a Turkophile.

trexeric · Sep 25, 2013

Subbed - and which mod is this, DoC?

GreekAnalyzer · Sep 25, 2013

Yes! Sillyman!

constantinople · Sep 25, 2013

This is DoC story number 2 out of six.

Moai_Spammer · Sep 28, 2013

hold on a second... constantinople doing a story as the turks?!? :run:

trexeric · Sep 30, 2013

Moai_Spammer said:
hold on a second... constantinople doing a story as the turks?!?

Mind blown.

danjuno · Sep 30, 2013

The end is nigh!

constantinople · Oct 12, 2013

Chapter II: Turkey boiled in Greece

Sillyman was not satisfied with just capturing Constantinople (Not Istanbul), he needed to dominate all of the Balkanlands. Knights approached Greece in the night. They would plunder Greece so much, it would still have a terrible economy for another 700 years!

Spoiler :

Other Ottomans were sent to attack Dammitascus, a fairly useless city renowned for its silly name.
"We've got to capture Dammitascus, dammit!" shouted Sillyman, as he pounded on his table furiously, like all mad men do.

Spoiler :

The Ottomans began bombarding the city of Ziggystardium, or whatever it is called. The massive Ottoman trebuchets launched massive boulders at the behemoth longswordsmen guards, causing them to topple unto the puny buildings of Ziggystardium. Seriously, look at how tall those longswordsmen are compared to the city.

Spoiler :

Suddenly, a bunch of ants randomly got bored and mauled the farmers of Mesopotamia. Entire farms were destroyed. It would take billions of shoes to stomp on all of the ants. It was one of the worst disasters in the Ottoman Empire ever.

Spoiler :

Then, the Ottomans discovered Poland can into the Black Sea. The Poles had founded a city near Constantinople (not Istanbul) just to piss the Otties off. The Poles were pure evil... Allegedly, Sillyman dawned wings and flew all the way to Krakow and shouted at King Casimir "I need to shave" III, "Your head would good if you weren't a Pole!"

Spoiler :

Abruptly, Spanish knights flew right next to Ziggystardium, and wanted to take the city which the Ottomans spent years bombarding. They wanted to take the city and all of the credit of conquering. The savages... Spain was declared the stupidest nation of the year in the Ottoman Empire.

Spoiler :

Luckily, the stupid Spanish would never reach Athens, a city of culture, grease, and beards as long as the Ottoman onion hats are tall. The Ottomans did their best to maul the city and all who inhabited it: mainly orphans and the unemployed.

Spoiler :

The Ottomans finally decided they had waited long enough and attacked Dammitascus. It was a brutal battle: soldiers were too busy fighting to even tie their own shoes... Needless to say, countless lives were lost via shoe-related deaths.

Spoiler :

It was a miracle! The Spanish knights suicided against the walls of Ziggystardium! The Ottomans had the chance to take the city once and for all! The Spanish officially sucked!

Spoiler :

The Ottomans hated the name Ziggystardium so they renamed the city Belgrad. It just sounded cooler.
Athens was the next to fall. Greece was too lazy to properly defend their cities.

Spoiler :

The Ottomans decided it was their job to properly rename cities. They advanced in the Levant to the city with the ridiculous name of Al-Quds. Seriosuly, what is a qud?

Spoiler :

Of course, Mesopotamia was naturally jelly and they sent war elephants, the elephants of war, to take Dammitascus (renamed Sam, short for Sillyman) back to its unrightful owner.

Spoiler :

And, in the north, the Unholy Roman Empire sent soldiers to guard their eastern holdings. Did they seek the destruction of the Ottoman Empire? Probably...

Spoiler :

The Sultan sat strong in his capital of Constantinople (not Istanbul). He drank his tea with pride and no regrets. The Unholy Roman Empire was not nearly as unholy or Roman or an empire as the Ottomans. They must be stopped before they continue their meaningless existence on the semi-majestic planet called Earth.

Moai_Spammer · Oct 12, 2013

poland can into black sea :lmao:

mrrandomplayer · Oct 12, 2013

Poland can into space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!

GreekAnalyzer · Oct 12, 2013

why is there a punjabi worker in athens?

constantinople · Oct 13, 2013

Yeah, I noticed that, too. I have no idea; maybe after the Byzantine Empire collapsed, Punjabi workers went from India to Athens for whatever reason.

teriaky · Oct 15, 2013

After the collapse of the Greek government, immigration became far easier.

Moai_Spammer · Oct 15, 2013

genius!

danjuno · Oct 16, 2013

Why did Constantinople get the works? That's nobody's business but the Tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurks!

constantinople · Nov 29, 2013

Chapter III: Happy (Post-)Turkey Day!

Ottoman soldiers poured around the city of Jerusalem and its stupid, wimpy name of "Al-Quds." The sign said "Welcome to Al-Quds" but the Ottomans were denied from entering. False advertising...

Spoiler :

After a very brutal battle that involved nuclear missiles and numerous sock monkeys, Al-Quds was destroyed in a hellish fire but instantly reincarnated by God. God congratulated Sillyman for the bloody, religious war and shouted "Kudos, Sully!" And that's how the city was renamed.

Spoiler :

Ottoman knights descended upon Makkah. Sillyman was about to blockade the holy city but then he remembered it was surrounded by useless desert so that would do nothing. So Sillyman cleverly disguised himself and his knights in Hawaiian shirts and spoke in a New York accent to pose as tourists. The residents let him in. The Ottomans bravely overran the city from the inside, but not after taking advantage of the special 30% off deals for anyone completing the Hajj for a week or two.

Spoiler :

Meanwhile, the Ottomans declared Constantinople (not Istanbul) the new capital after Konya collapsed under the weight of its own filth. This angered the Romans, who believed Constantinople (not Istanbul) should be the capital of a Roman state but, hey, it's no one's business but the Turks.

Spoiler :

Sillyman decided to go to Mesopotamia. Apart from having a stupid name that he needed to change, the region was key for its useless desert surrounded by useful rivers but are populated by useless non-Turkic people.

Spoiler :

Sillyman colonized the Black Sea for the sole reason of denying the Poles access to it. The city was vital because of... Well, no, the city was a waste of space. Notice the settler's cringe.

Spoiler :

Soon, it began to rain heavily in Baghdad for the first time in millions of years. The raindrops were really quite heavy. They were the size of soccer balls and made of of lead. Oh wait, that's not rain, it's cannonballs from the Ottomans' bombardment!

Spoiler :

More people died than the city's entire population. The only thing more lethal than the bombardment would be the rampage of those agitated elephants...

Spoiler :

A general who claimed to be great was sent to the almost front lines to help in the battle by passing out cookies, the most important position in any battle.

Spoiler :

Before they knew it, the army of Baghdad died.

Spoiler :

The great general was a tinsy bit late, and never saw any combat. He decided to lead the army of Janissaries to victory or defeat, preferably defeat. He would go on to win every battle he fought, except for the ones he lost.

Spoiler :

The Ottomans were frightened by a stack of death from the HRE, that looked awfully menacing... It was unclear where they going, but it was clear they would leave a trail of death, destruction, and mutilated Ottoman carcasses behind them.

Spoiler :

In the Arabian Peninsula, an isolated, abandoned, counterproductive city was added to the Ottoman Empire. The city was another corpse being dragged along by Sillyman, but the city later became an important exporter of sand.

Spoiler :

Eventually, Sillyman grew bored of peace and decided to brighten the mood by invading an innocent, neutral country. Who else but Egypt? Egypt was a friend of the Ottomans, whom had no real reason of declaring war. But he's freaking Sillyman the Magnificient, a god! He doesn't need a reason! He was about to lose an ally and possibly a war. Possibly. Will Egypt implode on itself, or will it not? Find out next time!

mrrandomplayer · Nov 29, 2013

Why didn't you disband Al-Qatif?

constantinople · Nov 30, 2013

I decided to keep it so it could be a base for taking Muscat in the future. Also, it could act as a frontier if the barbarians invaded. Finally, it asserts my control over more of the Arabian Peninsula.

The Young Turks

not Istanbul

Hakugyukurou Gardener

Hopeless Situation Warrior

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Ave, True to Caesar!

Deity

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not Istanbul

Ave, True to Caesar!

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Rich peasant

Ave, True to Caesar!

Cole Phelps, Badge 1247

not Istanbul

Hopeless Situation Warrior

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