Iron Pen 2: Road Trip! - Stories and Voting

CFC's latest Iron Pen Competitors have now finished their stories and are eagerly awaiting your comments and the outcome of the voting!

Please welcome the competitors for this challenge: Iron Pen Armadillosnake and Iron Pen Vivechnov, who have both submitted entries incorporating the mystery theme ROAD TRIP!.


It's the month of August, when many people take to the roads. Some have a definite destination in mind - a favorite vacation spot, perhaps, and some other folks decide to leave it up to whim or destiny as to where they go. So please join our two Iron Pen authors as they explore their own Road Trips, right here.


Comments/critiques: Please keep in mind that the main objective of Iron Pen is to give the writers constructive feedback on their stories. Please say why you liked or didn't like the stories. What changes would you suggest, if any? If you were writing a story on this theme, would you have done so similarly to the way the two current competitors have, or would you take another approach entirely?


Judging:

When judging, you may wish to consider these criteria, among any other personal preferences you might have:

Length. Did the story meet the minimum required length? Did it exceed the maximum length? This requirement is meant partially as a way to keep the competition fair, as it's harder to judge fairly if one story is (for example) 2000 words and the other only 500 words. Also, if a writer wants to submit stories professionally, there will be length restrictions involved in that. It never hurts to start practicing writing to meet specified requirements.

*Note: Both stories in this competition have met the minimum/maximum word counts.

Mechanics. This is a “presentation” criterion. A story that is good in terms of plot, characters, and theme may have typos, formatting errors, etc. which can distract the reader. No matter if the story is written for recreation or for professional submission, proofreading matters.

Characterization: Do you think the characters are believable? Has the author succeeded in making the reader care what happens to them?

Secret Theme: Do you think the author used the theme effectively?

Entertainment: This is the major criterion. The main goal of any story is to entertain the reader and provide an interesting reading experience. Do you think the author succeeded in doing this?


Voting: The voting/scoring is explained below, after the second story.


And now, on with the stories!

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by Iron Pen Armadillosnake​

Some kind of breakups leave you angry and upset. Others are sad affairs full of regret. This breakup left me feeling empty and used, like a can of Diet Coke; drunk quickly and then thrown away. Why, I wondered? I had bent backward in every conceivable way to accommodate her wishes, so where had it all gone wrong?

Now I can look back and realize that breakup was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I had stopped seeing my friends, barely did anything without her. It wasn’t healthy. At that time though; I lost interest in the world around me. I had banked on a future together with her, and had made her a large part of my life. Now that she was gone I was left with no friends, little money and a lot of strain on the relationship with my parents, who had tried to interfere.

So there I was, an aimless NEET hiding from the world in my room when Boom! A red Ford explorer burst in through the room. The door opened and a young man with blond hair, blue eyes and wearing a cocky grin that screamed lovable rogue stepped out as if nothing had happened.

"Hello", he began before my shock could set in, "My name is Cojones Grande. Are you by any chance Richard Small?"

"Umm, yes…" I said. "Why do you want to know?"

His grin widened as if he had reunited with a dear friend and he grabbed my hand to shake it. "Nice to meet you," he said, "We’re going on a road trip. It’s been preordained by God."

I felt my automatic response, "But I don’t want to" forming.

"Who said you’ve got a choice? You’re coming with me."

"If I don’t have a choice then aren’t technically kidnapping me?"

"I prefer the term forced vacation. Much more innocuous."

"Come on,” he continued, "Just trust me."

I didn’t.

I still hopped into that car. It was the best/worst decision of my life. Logically, I knew I shouldn’t have. He was a strange and clearly insane, and I had school and parents. I should’ve called the police but my decision operated on a different logic than real world logic. This was dream logic where things just happened and people went along with them.

At first the trip started out smoothly. It didn’t seem like it would be anything more than pretty pictures and I would drive home no different than before. That changed pretty quickly when we hit the traffic cop on route 183. Cojones saw the cop waiting up ahead on the highway scanning for law breakers. Nothing odd about that. We had already passed several other cops before.

Then Cojones kind of half said to himself, half to nobody in particular, "I always wanted to get into a high speed chase."

He pressed the pedal to the metal, and we zoomed off. As we passed the cop, I saw Cojones give him the finger. Because of course he did.

I just hung on for dear life already regretting my stupidity. After a good three quarters of a mile or so, Cojones then unbuckled his seat belt and said, "Your turn," before jumping to the back seat. The car went careening off the road. Within three seconds, I was already at the wheel, swerving to make an upcoming turn. At that moment, I was the most alert I have ever been. I saw every detail clearly like a camera in perfect focus. Which was both a blessing and a curse, considering that we were about to slam into a truck in front of us, while I could hear the police chasing us. Plus we were on a narrow bridge so there was no avenue of escape unless…

"Let’s drive off the bridge" Cojones shouted, voicing my inner thoughts. Except he didn’t sound as reluctant about it as I was. Still, with no other options and since I really didn’t want someone else to suffer for what was essentially my mental breakdown, I complied, praying that the car would take most of the damage.

The car hits the river with the force and noise of an artillery shell. The front crumpled and the airbags deployed. As for me, once the car hit the water, I unbuckled my seat belt and swam to the shore where densely packed trees and shrubbery jutted out from crazy places and make thick overgrowth. Cojones is already ahead of me. Once we reach shore, I turned to Cojones, my adrenaline still pounding from the whole incident and just yelled.

"What the hell were you thinking you deranged psychopath. Do you not realize you could have not only gotten us killed but someone else as well? What kind of parents did you have?"

I yelled at him for half an hour until finally my rage had subsided and my voice was hoarse.

"But it was fun," he just said, his grin still in place. I could only look at him with a stunned expression.

"Come on, you have to at least give it that."

"Alright, I’ll give you that, but we could have seriously hurt somebody. We nearly did."

"I had faith that we wouldn’t."

"Is that the only explanation you can offer?"

"Sometimes faith is all you have. Besides you needed something to break you out of the funk you were in, and normal methods wouldn’t work."

I sighed, "Next time, just go bungee jumping."

Still, I couldn’t say I entirely regretted the incident. I was tired, wet, hungry, cold, but for the first time in a while I wasn't focused on the breakup and what a mess I made of my life. And when I got back, maybe things would still be difficult, but for now everything was alright.

Smiling, I looked at the clouds and said, "I have a feeling everything is going to be okay."

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Belonging and Subjectivity

by Iron Pen Vivechnov​

From the darkness into the light, the car sped out from the tunnel. With my head out the window, I closed my eyes and took a moment to truly feel. The wind whipped my long hair behind my ears as the bright sun beat down on everything not protected by the shade. Spaced trees and their shade were welcome relief from the warm heat.

Intermittent moments of shivers and then feeling a sweat start to form on my forehead convinced me to retreat back into the seat and rolling up the window. A new feeling had its limits and I was more comfortable while focusing on the others. I was on a trip with those who mattered most to me; it seemed like things were finally looking up and that life were on an upward trend. Driving was the love of my life while my two best friends sat in the back. The rest of the space in the car was taken up by all of our belongings; none of us were sure where we were going or how long we’d be away. We only knew we had to get on the road and not look back. We had to act.

They’d stuck by me through thick and thin. Life had the tendency to get messy and overwhelming, so having them all by my side had brought countless blessings. I reached my hand over and gripped the knee of the love of my life and gave her a faint smile. Having her there meant everything. I wasn’t sure the trip would have been worth it without her by my side.

It took a few days before the fights started. From arguments over where to eat to how long we would wait before rest stops, we all became antsy around one another. The slightest provocation elicited a snap, some hurt feelings, and finally a full-blown confrontation as the ultimate crescendo. I couldn’t figure out why it was happening. We were all meant to stick together, to see this trip through to the end. I needed this. I needed them.

As time went by, it seemed all but guaranteed that the group would fall apart. What started as a joined adventure had quickly become a boiling pot of water, overflowing every time the car went over a speed bump. With each passing landmark, I receded further and further into my mind, clawing miserably for a solution. Beauty after beauty we viewed only for the dark clouds of our fights to shroud them. All the good was stifled.

I recall begging, quietly, for it to stop. We were supposed to be strong until the end. What was the point of a road trip if not to enjoy it and be together at the end of it all? But step by step everyone faded away until eventually it was just me in the driver’s seat.

It was just me and I was so terrified. Where was I? Where would I go? I had gotten so far but only because of those important to me holding my hand. Did I have a home anymore? Did I belong anywhere? Everything I was could be found in the trunk of the car without a shred of evidence that anyone else were there. My fragile memories were all that I had left to cling onto.

Tears rolled down my face as I watched another tunnel approach up ahead. Darkness was coming back and I feared it would be here to stay, forever.

The double doors swung open with a loud bang, bringing me back to reality. There was no road trip. There was only my life. Masked faces stared down at me as the corners of my eyes lost track of the friends that had to stay behind, no longer able to follow me on my path. Around a few bends and another door; I found myself squinting up at a bright light and listening to a man telling me to start counting back from one hundred. I was alone.

As my world began to fade, perhaps for the last time it ever would, I sent out one final desperate wish into the cosmos.

Give me a home to come back to. The journey was coming to a close but I wasn’t ready to keep the darkness near. I wasn’t ready, please, don’t force me to call off this trip just yet.

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Voting:

How this works: This is an anonymous, multiple-choice poll. Please vote for one choice for each contestant. That's 2 votes in all. VBulletin isn't set up for multiple questions within the same poll, so this is the only way to do this without having separate threads for each story.


The poll choices represent scores from 1-5 points, on a scale of how well you think the story met the judging guidelines outlined above.

A = 5 points
B = 4 points
C = 3 points
D = 2 points
F = 1 point

How the scoring works is that the totals for each grade will be added up and used to arrive at an overall score. It is possible for a tie to happen, and if it does, I will not be casting a tie-breaking vote.

Please do not vote more than twice, as that would result in unbalanced (and unfair) votes.


Please take the time to offer comments and constructive feedback, as well as voting. The people who compete in these contests work hard on their stories, and appreciate knowing what readers think of them.

Putting this poll on my sig.

jackelgull said:

Putting this poll on my sig.

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I did this as well.

Hope your computer is doing better today, Valka!

I've only had to reboot once today... so far.

Now get reading and critiquing, you two!

Okay, here's my take on these stories. I'll start with Armadillosnake's since his is first o the OP.

I'd give it a 3/5. The introduction to the character gives a little back ground about this guy and what he's going through, and I think it works well enough. However, the decision to go on the road trip feels kind of random, for a lack of a better word. I mean I understand what the author is going for, that Disney logic where animals can talk and people accept it, but it doesn't seem to work here, it feels kind of forced. I like Cojones. He balances his insanity with a kind of likeable charm, and there's a mystery to him that makes him interesting. The ending itself is okay. Not too much to soon, but the character's struggles don't have enough detail to make it seem big. Ultimately the story is an ambitious road trip quest squeezed in too little space. The author would have been better served going with another idea ad instead fleshing this one out to proper size. For what it is it is okay.

Next up is Vivechnov

I give it a 4/5. I really liked this one. Road Trips, especially in popular culture have become the modern "Quest". It is a romanticized thing, where a person who goes upon one learns more about themselves then they had before. It is supposed to be an adventure. This takes the idea of a road trip and flips it on its head. It uses the road trip as a metaphor for life, and shows how time cracks the bonds between friends, pushes them apart. It is about the existential crisis that comes with age and the overpowering feeling of loneliness. Well, at least that is what I got out of reading it. If the previous submission is an over ambitious road trip Quest not allowed to breathe, this is a quiet vignette relaxed and atmospheric but not lazy. The only reason it doesn't get a five from me is because it didn't hook me. But as I said, it's relaxed.

I'm not really good at constructive criticism, but I'll try.

The first story was a bit disappointing, it was quite weak. It relied mostly if not exclusively on shock for comedic effect, but it lost it all at the appearance of Cojones Grande in his red Ford crashing into the room. That was good use of shock, but the intruder's name was already too ridiculously over-the-top, and the stage so set essentially precluded an escalation of absurdities which never truly happens. The climax that the bridge-jump is supposed to be is reasonable by comparison. This is confusing. There is never a sense of danger as Cojones' irruption anticipated dangerous stunts pulled off effortlessly and victimlessly, plus in rendering the bridge-jump less shocking it detracts from its own dramatic potential.

This may sound a bit confusing, but basically, keep it tight and even: coherent and progressive. Keeping the same tone throughout the story and managing to achieve the climax near the end or at the end are instrumental to truly good storytelling. As a sidenote, the is discrepancy in verbal times in a story that does not play with timelines. That is simply a mistake. Take care with that, I know it can be hard.

Finally, the secret theme is clearly woven into the story, but it is also irrelevant because it is all banked on the proper working of the shock device, and it simply plays into that. It's well done for the story but it isn't really integral, relevant or developed. 2/5


As for the second story, it's substantially more interesting. It keeps an even, earnest tone all the time, and somewhat creates a gloomy atmosphere shrouded in some mystery. It is, however, unsatisfactory towards the end. It gives the impression that the story was thought out before the reveal of the secret theme, so that we find a quiet, well-paced, almost secret road drama that suddenly becomes a life-or-death operation. It's not even a plot twist. The road trip is supposed to be some sort of metaphor that, in spite of some effort, goes effectively unexplained. The plot as unveiled in the first part remains unknown, and the situation in the second part isn't really ever developed. All in all, well-written but with a deficient storyline. 4/5

JohannaK said:

I'm not really good at constructive criticism, but I'll try.

The first story was a bit disappointing, it was quite weak. It relied mostly if not exclusively on shock for comedic effect, but it lost it all at the appearance of Cojones Grande in his red Ford crashing into the room. That was good use of shock, but the intruder's name was already too ridiculously over-the-top, and the stage so set essentially precluded an escalation of absurdities which never truly happens. The climax that the bridge-jump is supposed to be is reasonable by comparison. This is confusing. There is never a sense of danger as Cojones' irruption anticipated dangerous stunts pulled off effortlessly and victimlessly, plus in rendering the bridge-jump less shocking it detracts from its own dramatic potential.

This may sound a bit confusing, but basically, keep it tight and even: coherent and progressive. Keeping the same tone throughout the story and managing to achieve the climax near the end or at the end are instrumental to truly good storytelling. As a sidenote, the is discrepancy in verbal times in a story that does not play with timelines. That is simply a mistake. Take care with that, I know it can be hard.

Finally, the secret theme is clearly woven into the story, but it is also irrelevant because it is all banked on the proper working of the shock device, and it simply plays into that. It's well done for the story but it isn't really integral, relevant or developed. 2/5

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I see your points, and I agree for a large part. I feel the author, once getting in the initial shock value had no idea how to handle the rest. The reason I am so lenient on it though, is that it had a 1000 word limit max. If the limit was 2000 words and the same quality of story was delivered I would be harsher. Also, there is ambition in this story, even if the writer doesn't have the skill to back it up.

I haven't looked at the other comments, so these are just my initial reactions.

"How I spent my (forced) vacation" - I thought this was well written for the most part. There are a few spelling/grammar slips (and one tense change!) but nothing too bad. (Though I really, really hate "alright".) It didn't really grab me as a story, though, I think because it left too much unexplained. Who was that guy? Did he really drive a car into a house without suffering any damage? Also, the narrator's behaviour of just going along with it doesn't seem very plausible - does it? But it certainly used the theme.

"Belonging and subjectivity" - I thought this was a more interesting idea, but it wasn't written engagingly enough. The biggest problem was that there weren't any names or conversations. No-one in it had any personality, so it was impossible to care about any of them, and the "falling apart" doesn't feel believable because we don't see it happen, only have it reported to us after the fact. It reads rather like an epitome of a longer piece. I felt there was more attempt at descriptions of feelings and surroundings than of characters, some of which worked, but some of which felt overblown and a bit odd ("warm heat" - what other kind is there?).

So I thought there were positives and negatives to both - the first was well written but the plot wasn't so great, while the second had a more interesting basic idea but the execution wasn't so good. These authors should collaborate!

Successful and accomplished writers are always saying that vignettes are tough to do. I don't doubt it; a thousand words or so isn't a lot to work with.

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How I spent my (forced) vacation: Nice job with tight pacing.

The thing that I couldn't get past was the truck driving into the protagonist's bedroom. Was it a magic truck that just drove through the wall? Was it a real truck that just drove through the wall?

At least a mention of dream logic with the introduction of the truck would have helped. The vehicle crashing in the present tense could have been less awkward - I believe it was probably done on purpose to reflect the immediacy of crisis, but in such a short story, that stylistic trick's maybe not worth attempting.

Mostly, I think if the magic truck could be introduced more clearly and the ending made less pat, you'd have something.


Belonging and Subjectivity:

Hmm. Fluent writing, but I tend to feel put off withy introductions that feel like the author is showing off writing virtuosity unless it's over quickly and on to something meatier.

How many people were on the trip? What does the love interest look like, smell like? I she the love of the narrator's life, or driving? Any reaction to the knee squeeze? Did anyone say anything the whole time, or did they quarrel with gestures? What was this trip about?

Was it all a dream, then? In jail or the crazyhouse or what? -I'm not sure if any points come off for those last two, it being clearly deliberate and leading the reader wanting more. Still could be improved with more hints of a plot to the journey...

I wrote this before I read other responses so to not spoil my own critique.

How I spent my (forced) vacation

I enjoyed the fast pace of the story, it, at least momentarily, managed to engage me, and I also enjoyed the colloquial language of the narrator. (“He pressed the pedal to the metal, and we zoomed off.“ ) It worked well with the casually interwoven bits of humor and the insanity of the plot.
However, that story didn't make sense to me. Already the still sane introduction I didn't get. „Some kind of breakups leave you angry and upset. Others are sad affairs full of regret. This breakup left me feeling empty and used, like a can of Diet Coke; drunk quickly and then thrown away.“ I took this as meaning to say there were two different basic ways break-ups made you feel, but in this case it was a (worse) third one. But that perspective just left me confused, since all three
ways appear to me like typical phenomena of break-ups which happen in concurrence with each other, rather than being alternatives.
I suspect that the rest of the story is supposed to represent sth one may dream about (dream logic) when in a tight humiliating situation with no apparent escape. Just going wild. But in that case, I would have wished for a bit more hinting towards that direction, in some manner.

The ending felt as empty as a diet coke can to me. Didn't know what to do with it. Apparently this experience is supposed have given the protagonist new and lasting strength. If so, I would have needed more and interesting hints towards why, because it isn't obvious to me, but if anything, questionable.

Belonging and Subjectivity

I am sympathetic towards the effort. But I never got into the story.
On the one hand, there is stuff as: „They’d stuck by me through thick and thin“, „love of my life“ to describe the protagonist's situation. Such standard phrases feel extremely stale, are so common to express strong friendship and love that by themselves they don't really mean anything. And way to much of what we learn about the exterior situation of the protagonist moves on that general liveless level.
A noteable exception: „What started as a joined adventure had quickly become a boiling pot of water, overflowing every time the car went over a speed bump.“ That is an example of the vitality I missed. Clever image, but it felt ridicilous in its application, while reading, even if it made sense in retrospect. 'cause at the moment it seemed a bit over-the-top that every bumb resulted in a climax/rupture of tension.
On the other hand, there are cryptic insinuations and for-shadowing. „We only knew we had to get on the road and not look back. We had to act.“ That sounded interesting, but felt also lost within the text. At first I thought you should have find a way to vitalize this forshadowing, so to give it more power. But after finishing the story, it feels more like a false lead than anything. Anyway, such questions, another is why he suddenly doesn't get along with his friends, in the end only work within an interesting context that makes me want to know the answer. I missed that.

I think your story was strongly struck by a major writing plague – to forget that the reader will not be you That he doesn't carry all the thought and meaning you will associate with your story, which is trivially true but also terribly easy to forget as a writer.

Buster's Uncle said:

Successful and accomplished writers are always saying that vignettes are tough to do. I don't doubt it; a thousand words or so isn't a lot to work with.

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Especially since about no one develops an interest in writing due to 1000 word stories.
Usually it probably goes like this: Reads novels. Likes literature. Starts to want to write. Got his head full of ideas about a novel / novels he or she read. Has to write a small short story O.O

...I fancy that I'm not w/o wordsmith skillz despite the typpos in my review, but I can't say I'm sure I'm up the challenge of writing anything any good at the length Iron Pen Armadillosnake and Iron Pen Vivechnov did, about a road trip with a dream theme and something about romance and losing love.

Maybe I could rock a 1,000-2,000 word vignette on subject and themes of my own choosing/inspiration, but my hat's off to our authors for writing stories any good at all under the constraints. This was not exactly set to Citizen difficulty level.

I voted for the second story (ie higher mark to the second story).

Not sure if i should really comment on the writing, cause as a fellow writer i can have my particular views which likely do not mean much re the overall audience a story can have

Terxpahseyton said:

Buster's Uncle said:

Successful and accomplished writers are always saying that vignettes are tough to do. I don't doubt it; a thousand words or so isn't a lot to work with.

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Especially since about no one develops an interest in writing due to 1000 word stories.
Usually it probably goes like this: Reads novels. Likes literature. Starts to want to write. Got his head full of ideas about a novel / novels he or she read. Has to write a small short story O.O

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Back in the early days of the modern publishing industry, short stories were the norm. For example, Isaac Asimov got his start writing short stories for the pulp magazines, and later (much later, after paperback novels became the norm) his writing career really took off to the point where he was able to "quit his day job" and become a full-time writer. He wrote novels, articles, essays, reference works in a wide variety of fields, edited books... and continued to write short stories, as well.

A couple of people did express interest in Iron Pen if there were a much longer word count allowed. I'm considering it, but it would take a longer time to run that particular competition. I'm not going to expect anyone to write a novel in 48 hours!

At the shorter end of the scale, I'd like to try a poetry competition (one person has expressed interest; all I need now is for one other person willing to try as well). And for people interested in trying super-short stories, we could always have a drabble competition.


@Kyriakos: Comments by professionally-published authors are welcome. Plotinus has offered comments, and you are welcome to do so as well.


On behalf of the competitors in this round, I appreciate that people here have taken the time to read the stories, comment, and vote. The poll will remain open until Saturday morning MDT.

I myself find 1000-word vignettes easier. I guess I'm used to typical length demanded in school compositions.

That doesn't mean they're easy to pull of, of course.

I did read these and am thinking about them. It's frustrating that I wish I could write something, yet I can't even think of a way to give good reviews.

If i can comment on the second story (cause i somewhat got out of the mood in the first one with the name of the ball-centered character ) :

The idea is ok. It is a usual idea in psychological stories. I think that not enough info was given to make the twist either less anodyne or more built-up. TBH i was expecting the car itself to be the companion (it might have been anyway). Abandonment of consciousness was sort of forced in the ending paragraphs- in my view.

(well, i already noted that i would be way too particular in comments, due to myself also writing ).

If by particular you mean incomplete and half-assed, then you were right.

Cutlass said:

I did read these and am thinking about them. It's frustrating that I wish I could write something, yet I can't even think of a way to give good reviews.

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Don't worry about how professional reviewers do it. Most of us here are not professionals, and as long as the comments are constructive, that's fine. As I've mentioned before, saying what you liked/didn't like about the stories is good feedback, because it lets the authors know what worked and what didn't work. But it's also important to say why you liked or didn't like something.

Kyriakos said:

If i can comment on the second story (cause i somewhat got out of the mood in the first one with the name of the ball-centered character ) :

The idea is ok. It is a usual idea in psychological stories. I think that not enough info was given to make the twist either less anodyne or more built-up. TBH i was expecting the car itself to be the companion (it might have been anyway). Abandonment of consciousness was sort of forced in the ending paragraphs- in my view.

(well, i already noted that i would be way too particular in comments, due to myself also writing ).

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Well, your first sentence does contain a comment about the first story, so you've touched on both of them.

Thanks for participating, guys - and for anyone who still hasn't commented or voted, there is still time. Please remember when you vote, to select one option for each competitor.

JohannaK said:

If by particular you mean incomplete and half-assed, then you were right.

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Wait a minute, was that your story? (couldn't tell )

:\ Well thanks for bullying away future critique ( /victimcard )