Kafka2
Whale-raping abomination
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2001
- Messages
- 1,204
(Over the past couple of years I've written several articles on the more "colourful" characters in history- the sort of stuff that doesn't tend to get taught in schools. I thought I'd see how it gets received in a specific history forum so.....here's one to try it out. Hope it entertains)
Historical filth- Eunuchs with balls.
I've always been keen to salute the achievements of those to whom Lady Luck has seen fit to visit disabilities of one kind or other. In the big scheme of things, having your testicles removed may not be as devastating as being blinded but it does carry a certain stigma, and few eunuchs have managed to achieve power.
A few managed it however, and what a bizarre bunch they were. For your enlightenment, I'd like to present (in reverse order) my personal ten favourite eunuchs of all time.
10- Ts'ai Lun (50-121AD China)
Chinese court official who was chief eunuch to emperor Ho-ti. Ts'ai Lun's greatest achievement was his invention of paper, replacing papyrus, parchment and silk as the writing surface of choice. Later made a marquess in recognition of his works. (Note for younger readers- "Paper" is the substance porn came on before the net was invented).
9- Le Van Duyet (1763-1832AD Vietnam)
Born without a man-plum to his name, Le Van Duyet started out as a counselor to the Vietnamese court before going on to become a government official and great military strategist. Using his formidable skills, he defeated rivals in naval encounters, establishing Prince Nguyen Anh as emperor of a united Vietnam. Duyet became viceroy, and pursued pro-European and pro-Christian policies. Demonised after his death, Duyet's reputation was later restored and his grave made a national monument.
8- Origen (185- 254AD Lebanon)
One of the greatest theologians of the early Greek church, Origen faced a great dilemma. How could he instruct women without interruptions from unruly genitalia? Eventually he found a solution. For reasons of taste I won't go into depth on what his solution was, other than to say that it qualified him for inclusion in this list. Ouch
7- Liu Chin. (d 1510AD)
Liu owed his power to the Emperor Cheng-te, who is described as an "eccentric pleasure-seeker". Despite extenmsive searches I've failed to establish what those pleasures were so I'm going to assume it involves goats smeared in butter at some point.
Being far too preoccupied to be arsed with ruling, Cheng-te relied on his eunuchs for information on the government, and the eunuch quickly gained great power. Liu was the most prominent, and the first of the "Eight Tigers"- de facto eunuch rulers of China. Seeing as Liu wasn't distracted by sexual vices he concentrated on greed instead, and embezzled a huge fortune, terrorizing the country in the process.
When the emperor discovered the extent of his crimes, Liu was executed but he left a legacy of Eunuch Power that dominated China for the next century.
6- Eutropius (d. 399AD Byzantium)
Through arranging a marriage, Eutropius sidled into the position of chief advisor to the utterly useless emperor Arcadius. Arcadius, to be blunt, couldn't get laid in a brothel and was only to pleased to delegate power to Eutropias who became the most powerful man in the Eastern Roman Empire. After successfully repelling a Hunnish invasion of Asia Minor he became the first Consul with no groinal luggage. Unfortunately, Arcadius's wife Eudoxia couldn't stand him, and within a year Eutropias was exiled to Cyprus and beheaded.
5- Narses (480-574AD Armenia/Byzantium/Rome)
How Narses came to be geographically estranged from his trouser vegetables remains unclear, but his eunuch status didn't stop him becoming a prominent General under the Byzantine Emperor Justinian I and effectively restoring imperial control over Italy. Previously he had been commander of the imperial bodyguard of eunuchs, imperial treasurer, spy and Grand Chamberlain. One of Byzantium's greatest military leaders, he crushed the Ostrogothic kingdom in Italy and repelled invasions of northern Italy by Franks and Allemandes. He fell from favour after the death of Justinian and died peacefully in retirement.
4- Philetaerus (343-263BC Anatolia)
Eunuchs might be able to do most things in life, but you'd think that founding a dynasty might pose them a few technical problems. The enterprising Philetaerus succeeded, however and for that alone he deserves a mention. One of life's crafty buggers, Philetaerus served under Anitigonus I Monophthalmus (successor of Alexander the Great in northern Anatolia), but swapped allegiances to his rival Lysimachus, the ruler of Thrace. In return, the grateful Lysimachus made him guardian of the fortress of Pergamum, but Philetaerus promptly switched sides in favour of Seleucus I (Alexander's successor in Syria). On the death of Seleucus Philetaerus switched allefiances to Egypt. By this time he had established Pergamum as a small but influential kingdom under his control. He adopted one of his nephews (Eumenes) as a son who contined the dynasty on the death of Philetaerus.
3- Wei Chung-Hsien (1568- 1627AD China)
Probably the most famous eunuch ever, Wei was one of the "Eight Tigers"- a series of eunuchs who effectively ruled Ming dynasty China. Starting out as a butler, Wei gained the trust of Prince T'ien-chi. When T'ien-chi became emperor at the age of 15 he displayed a typically (and admirably, if you want my opinion) Chinese attitude to the job and preferred to spend all his time working as a carpenter, leaving all the boring stuff like military conquest, running the country and amassing glory to his trusted Wei.
In predictable style for a castrate on the make, Wei promptly launched a reign of terror, executing hundreds of potential political rivals and levying extortionate taxes. Temples were raised in his honour, but on the death of T'ien-chi Wei was banished and killed himself to avoid trial.
2- Chao Kao (d 237 BC China).
One of the most bizarre and blood-splattered episodes of all time. Chao Kao, clearly nursing a grudge over his enforced separation from his love-spuds, seized power in China on the death of Shih Huang-ti, first emperor of the Ch'in dynasty. He did so by concealing the fact that the emperor was dead, and forging letters in the emperor's hand which were sent to the Crown Prince and the Commander of the Northern Army, ordering them both to commit suicide. Displaying both tremendous loyalty and staggering gullibility, they both complied leaving Chao Kao free of inconvenient rivals.
Continuing his pretence that the emperor was alive by keeping his rotting corpse in a wagon of salted fish, Chao Kao installed the infant Hu Hai on the throne. However, even a kid was too scary a competitor for the seriously paranoid Chao Kao. Result? Hu Hai brutally murdered. Chao Kao then installed another puppet on the throne, pausing only to murder his former accomplice Li Ssu.
Amazingly, he then attempted to assassinate that puppet too, but at that point Chao Kao's luck finally deserted him. His end was bloody, violent and probably quite noisy, in a crunchy sort of way.
1- Bagoas (Persia 4th century BC)
Or "Bag of arse" as this brutal and de-bollocked maniac is lovingly known in schools. Clearly 4th century Persia was single-entendre nirvana, for Bagoas is best known for his manipulation of Arses. King Arses, to be precise. Anyway, a serious deficiency in the dangly department did not prevent Bagoas becoming a major military leader (and looter on an immense scale) in the conquest of Egypt. He topped this by becoming chief advisor (and effective controller) of King Artaxerxes III.
He wasn't content to stop there, however. Bagoas murdered Artaxerxes, then murdered all of Artazerxes' sons with the exception of young Arses, who he installed as a puppet, allowing Bagoas to talk through his Arses.
Arses proved to be a pain in the arse for Bagoas, and quickly became ungovernable as he rebelled against the eunuch's tyrannical authority. Arses attempted to poison Bagoas, but the attempt failed and Bagoas poisoned the young king. He then installed Darius III on the throne, but once again the young king rebelled and a flurry of assassination attempts followed. Eventually Bagoas was forced to drink his own poison and history became much less entertaining as a result.
Moral of the story? If you wake up one morning and find your underpants roomier than usual, don't despair. A career as a murderous dictator and scheming psychopath can still be yours.
Historical filth- Eunuchs with balls.
I've always been keen to salute the achievements of those to whom Lady Luck has seen fit to visit disabilities of one kind or other. In the big scheme of things, having your testicles removed may not be as devastating as being blinded but it does carry a certain stigma, and few eunuchs have managed to achieve power.
A few managed it however, and what a bizarre bunch they were. For your enlightenment, I'd like to present (in reverse order) my personal ten favourite eunuchs of all time.
10- Ts'ai Lun (50-121AD China)
Chinese court official who was chief eunuch to emperor Ho-ti. Ts'ai Lun's greatest achievement was his invention of paper, replacing papyrus, parchment and silk as the writing surface of choice. Later made a marquess in recognition of his works. (Note for younger readers- "Paper" is the substance porn came on before the net was invented).
9- Le Van Duyet (1763-1832AD Vietnam)
Born without a man-plum to his name, Le Van Duyet started out as a counselor to the Vietnamese court before going on to become a government official and great military strategist. Using his formidable skills, he defeated rivals in naval encounters, establishing Prince Nguyen Anh as emperor of a united Vietnam. Duyet became viceroy, and pursued pro-European and pro-Christian policies. Demonised after his death, Duyet's reputation was later restored and his grave made a national monument.
8- Origen (185- 254AD Lebanon)
One of the greatest theologians of the early Greek church, Origen faced a great dilemma. How could he instruct women without interruptions from unruly genitalia? Eventually he found a solution. For reasons of taste I won't go into depth on what his solution was, other than to say that it qualified him for inclusion in this list. Ouch
7- Liu Chin. (d 1510AD)
Liu owed his power to the Emperor Cheng-te, who is described as an "eccentric pleasure-seeker". Despite extenmsive searches I've failed to establish what those pleasures were so I'm going to assume it involves goats smeared in butter at some point.
Being far too preoccupied to be arsed with ruling, Cheng-te relied on his eunuchs for information on the government, and the eunuch quickly gained great power. Liu was the most prominent, and the first of the "Eight Tigers"- de facto eunuch rulers of China. Seeing as Liu wasn't distracted by sexual vices he concentrated on greed instead, and embezzled a huge fortune, terrorizing the country in the process.
When the emperor discovered the extent of his crimes, Liu was executed but he left a legacy of Eunuch Power that dominated China for the next century.
6- Eutropius (d. 399AD Byzantium)
Through arranging a marriage, Eutropius sidled into the position of chief advisor to the utterly useless emperor Arcadius. Arcadius, to be blunt, couldn't get laid in a brothel and was only to pleased to delegate power to Eutropias who became the most powerful man in the Eastern Roman Empire. After successfully repelling a Hunnish invasion of Asia Minor he became the first Consul with no groinal luggage. Unfortunately, Arcadius's wife Eudoxia couldn't stand him, and within a year Eutropias was exiled to Cyprus and beheaded.
5- Narses (480-574AD Armenia/Byzantium/Rome)
How Narses came to be geographically estranged from his trouser vegetables remains unclear, but his eunuch status didn't stop him becoming a prominent General under the Byzantine Emperor Justinian I and effectively restoring imperial control over Italy. Previously he had been commander of the imperial bodyguard of eunuchs, imperial treasurer, spy and Grand Chamberlain. One of Byzantium's greatest military leaders, he crushed the Ostrogothic kingdom in Italy and repelled invasions of northern Italy by Franks and Allemandes. He fell from favour after the death of Justinian and died peacefully in retirement.
4- Philetaerus (343-263BC Anatolia)
Eunuchs might be able to do most things in life, but you'd think that founding a dynasty might pose them a few technical problems. The enterprising Philetaerus succeeded, however and for that alone he deserves a mention. One of life's crafty buggers, Philetaerus served under Anitigonus I Monophthalmus (successor of Alexander the Great in northern Anatolia), but swapped allegiances to his rival Lysimachus, the ruler of Thrace. In return, the grateful Lysimachus made him guardian of the fortress of Pergamum, but Philetaerus promptly switched sides in favour of Seleucus I (Alexander's successor in Syria). On the death of Seleucus Philetaerus switched allefiances to Egypt. By this time he had established Pergamum as a small but influential kingdom under his control. He adopted one of his nephews (Eumenes) as a son who contined the dynasty on the death of Philetaerus.
3- Wei Chung-Hsien (1568- 1627AD China)
Probably the most famous eunuch ever, Wei was one of the "Eight Tigers"- a series of eunuchs who effectively ruled Ming dynasty China. Starting out as a butler, Wei gained the trust of Prince T'ien-chi. When T'ien-chi became emperor at the age of 15 he displayed a typically (and admirably, if you want my opinion) Chinese attitude to the job and preferred to spend all his time working as a carpenter, leaving all the boring stuff like military conquest, running the country and amassing glory to his trusted Wei.
In predictable style for a castrate on the make, Wei promptly launched a reign of terror, executing hundreds of potential political rivals and levying extortionate taxes. Temples were raised in his honour, but on the death of T'ien-chi Wei was banished and killed himself to avoid trial.
2- Chao Kao (d 237 BC China).
One of the most bizarre and blood-splattered episodes of all time. Chao Kao, clearly nursing a grudge over his enforced separation from his love-spuds, seized power in China on the death of Shih Huang-ti, first emperor of the Ch'in dynasty. He did so by concealing the fact that the emperor was dead, and forging letters in the emperor's hand which were sent to the Crown Prince and the Commander of the Northern Army, ordering them both to commit suicide. Displaying both tremendous loyalty and staggering gullibility, they both complied leaving Chao Kao free of inconvenient rivals.
Continuing his pretence that the emperor was alive by keeping his rotting corpse in a wagon of salted fish, Chao Kao installed the infant Hu Hai on the throne. However, even a kid was too scary a competitor for the seriously paranoid Chao Kao. Result? Hu Hai brutally murdered. Chao Kao then installed another puppet on the throne, pausing only to murder his former accomplice Li Ssu.
Amazingly, he then attempted to assassinate that puppet too, but at that point Chao Kao's luck finally deserted him. His end was bloody, violent and probably quite noisy, in a crunchy sort of way.
1- Bagoas (Persia 4th century BC)
Or "Bag of arse" as this brutal and de-bollocked maniac is lovingly known in schools. Clearly 4th century Persia was single-entendre nirvana, for Bagoas is best known for his manipulation of Arses. King Arses, to be precise. Anyway, a serious deficiency in the dangly department did not prevent Bagoas becoming a major military leader (and looter on an immense scale) in the conquest of Egypt. He topped this by becoming chief advisor (and effective controller) of King Artaxerxes III.
He wasn't content to stop there, however. Bagoas murdered Artaxerxes, then murdered all of Artazerxes' sons with the exception of young Arses, who he installed as a puppet, allowing Bagoas to talk through his Arses.
Arses proved to be a pain in the arse for Bagoas, and quickly became ungovernable as he rebelled against the eunuch's tyrannical authority. Arses attempted to poison Bagoas, but the attempt failed and Bagoas poisoned the young king. He then installed Darius III on the throne, but once again the young king rebelled and a flurry of assassination attempts followed. Eventually Bagoas was forced to drink his own poison and history became much less entertaining as a result.
Moral of the story? If you wake up one morning and find your underpants roomier than usual, don't despair. A career as a murderous dictator and scheming psychopath can still be yours.
