imMapex's Sexual Assyrian Guide of Doom and Stuff (Deity Approved)
"The only thing greater in this world than my Empire is the beard which falls from my chin. Also, I really enjoyed Avatar 3D."
-Ashurbanipal
-imMapex
*NOTE* This Guide is going to be huge and is nowhere near finished. I am currently just testing spacing issues. There will be a ton of updates throughout the following weeks so keep an eye out!
Change Log
Spoiler :
Treasures of Ninevah
When a city is conquered, gain a free Technology already discovered by its owner. Gaining a city through a trade deal does not count, and it can only happen once per enemy city
Assyrians amazing early UA. Pretty much the main reason we go wreck stuff early game. Got a Mayan neighbor whos no doubt going to beeline Theology? Go ahead and chill at the bottom of the tech tree. Youll be smacking him with a tower and instantly learning his tech path shortly. Afraid you are going to succumb to a Berserker rush from the guy who invented short range data transfer? Feel free to rush Education since you can be sure hes got all sorts of free goodies for you that are primed for the taking.
Why Are These Treasures So Sexy?
Not only are you taking over well built cities from the AI, but youre also taking his freaking tech. Tech that would otherwise take you 15+ turns to learn in the early game. Tech that leads you to Wonders that are ridiculously hard to build on Deity. The ability to shave the research time off any tech is insanely strong. Think free Oxford University anytime you take over a city, without the time it takes to hard build the sucker. Assyria can literally walk up to any Civ early game, bonk them in the head with a club, and come out with a 3-4 5+ Citizen Cities PLUS 3-4 Techs that no other Civ could have gotten in this time. How valuable is 3-4 techs in the early game? Think 30+ turns valuable. Ya. Its pretty erotic.
How Treasures of Ninevah Works
There are 3 parts to this UA. Lets go over them in scenario format:
"When a city is conquered, gain a free Technology already discovered by its owner"
Assyria has DoW'd Elizabeth's England in a completely inaccurate but totally entertaining historic battle. Assyria's army is lined up in a siege formation outside of Nottingham. "WTF NUB RUSH SIEGE TOWER OP!" yells Elizabeth as Nottingham falls to the great beard of Ashurbanipal. England currently eclipses Assyria in multiple areas of tech, however upon bashing in skulls, Bill (a highly trained Assyrian Warrior) stumbles into Shakespeare. "To be or not to be," announces Shakespeare, "that is the question. Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to-". Bill clubs Shakespeare in head. Bill and his Assyrian company learn the ways of Drama and Poetry.
Now lets say England has Drama and Poetry, Theology, Sailing and Trapping. Assyria has none of these techs. Once Assyria had taken over Nottingham, Assyria would have been able to instantly receive anyone of these techs, minus Theology. Why didnt Assyria qualify for Theology?
Assyria didnt have the prerequisite to learn it (Drama and Poetry). Assyria must have the potential to currently learn a tech in order to steal it. If you want to steal Optics, you need Sailing. If you want to steal The Internet you need Globalization. Capeche?
So why did Assyria get Drama and Poetry rather than Sailing or Trapping? Simple. Assyria didnt get a choice. When Assyria takes over a city and has the prerequisites for multiple techs, the game will randomly choose one for you. While things like Spies or Oxford give you the option to choose a tech available to you, Assyria's UA does not. This randomness is really the only negative side to Treasures of Ninevah, however if you take cities in numbers, Assyria is bound to land any and all the tech it needs.
Last thing to point out is that taking over a CS will give you a tech as well.
"Gaining a city through a trade deal does not count"
Aware of her impending doom, Elizabeth offers Ashurbanipal some Salt, 12 Gold and the entire city of York in exchange for him not, "getting all up in my grill". Ashurbanipal knows that if he takes this deal, his civilization will not learn anything new, since Bill and the rest of the Assyrian army only learn by bashing in skulls. Ashurbanipal shreds the Peace offer and signals Bill to, "pop a cap in dat ghetto booty".
Assyria does not receive free tech when they acquire a city from trade. Pretty complicated, I know. I think you can figure it out though.
"it can only happen once per enemy city"
With one swift blow of temple of the enemy Longbowman, Bill fulfills his task of capturing York. Bill celebrates heavy that night, with history noting it was filled with horse carcasses, midgets and tennis rackets, all of which were very much related. This was much deserved as once York had fallen, Bill, Ashurbanipal and the rest of Assyria discovered Trapping. The downside to this celebration however, was Bills lack of perception, as a stray English Pikeman stole the Assyrian flag claiming York and replaced it with a British one, effectively reclaiming York to English soil. Ashurbanipal quickly noticed, and once he was done, "gettin me some of dem hoes", he strangled the Pikeman with his beard and retook York again, no more wiser than when they previously owned it"
Basically, Assyria can only steal a tech once per city. If you have taken over an enemy city over for the first time, you will gain a tech. If you lose the city, whether the next turn or 200 turns later, and regain it again, you will not be able to acquire a new tech for recovering that city. This would probably be easier to explain if I knew English better.
Siege Tower
Powerful melee siege unit which grants a city attack bonus to nearby units when next to an enemy city. May only be built by the Assyrians.
This is the reason no one is allowed nice things when Assyria is on the map. When the Siege Tower gets next to a city, prepare for all hell to break loose. The Siege Tower not only wreck cities, it gives a buff that lets everyone within 2 tiles to wreck that city as well. If there is anything more masculine than Ashurbanipal's beard, its the Siege Tower.
How Does The Siege Tower Manage To Get All The Ladies?
3 reasons. First, the Siege Tower doesnt topple over and die easily like some wimpy Catapult whos probably not ever even talked to a girl in his life. The Siege Tower is a BEAST. Think tank or the Hulk or Vin Diesel's abs. This thing soaks in damage like nothing. Go ahead and throw some CB + Spearman attacks at this thing and watch as the Siege Tower continues forward as if nothing happened. You think the Honey Badger doesnt care about anything? I dare you to meet the Siege Tower. Whats even more is the Cover I buff that the Siege Tower starts out with. Good luck killing this thing with CBs and City attacks.
Second reason? Once the Siege Tower gets up to its destination (enemy city), it blows things up. What the Siege Tower lacks in attacking Units, it makes up for being a bull in a china shop. Enemy city has walls? Whatever bro, I have a Siege Tower. At 12 Combat Strength + 200% City Combat Strength, every city will cower to the damage the Siege Tower brings. Think Im exaggerating? Give it a try yourself. This thing hurts.
The final, and possibly best reason, is the freaking aura it gives: 50% extra damage to cities for every unit within 2 tiles. Not as much as damage as the buff the Siege Tower receives you say? First of all stop interrupting me. Second of all, toss in 4 CB's behind this sucker and have it attack the enemy city. That's 200% more damage to a City there's no way anyone else could have done had they not had this manly unit. The Siege Tower radiates awesomeness, and each and every unit within 2 hexes feeds off of it.
PRO-TIP: For extra awesomeness, feel free to make explosion sounds with your mouth every time you attack a city with the Siege Tower. I guarantee the females will come flocking to you or your money back.
Are There Any Downsides To This Really, Really Ridiculously Good Looking Unit?
Why, arent you the negative Nancy type my good sir. Now that you bring it up however, I guess there is 2 things you can consider slightly off with the Siege Tower. First of all, unlike its Catapult counter part, the Siege Tower is melee. While the Catapult range is useful for focus firing or avoiding enemy damage, realize that the wussy Catapult takes a movement point to set up before firing. The Siege Tower doesnt however, and rather runs head first into its enemies without stopping. As stated before as well, the Siege Tower is tanky enough to be in the front lines and soak damage, while the Catapult must avoid incoming threats.
The second minor defect the Siege Tower has is its inability to damage units. You would think it world be pretty easy for the Tower to steamroll over its enemies, but little known fact is that the Siege Towers wheels are made of gum drops and Unicorns, and thus dont kill enemies themselves. If Assyria supports the Siege Tower by having units that can wreck other units (they should) and allow the Tower to roll up to a city, youll overlook this negative characteristic. Why should the Tower have all the fun in destroying everything?
Royal Library
Unique building of the Assyrian civilization. Replaces the Library.
+1
for every 2 
1 Great Work of Writing slot, which provides extra XP for units trained in the city
Unique building of the Assyrian civilization. Replaces the Library.
+1
for every 2 1 Great Work of Writing slot, which provides extra XP for units trained in the city
Bro, everyone be like, "Oh man I get free slot Imma auto win Culture Victory now suck it nerds k pc", and while this is near truth, the Royal Library has late game building written all over it.
"BUT IMMAPEX, YOU GET THIS BUILDING IN WRITING TECH WHICH IS EARLY GAME LOLNOOB!"
Barracks, Armory, Military Acadamy, Brandenburg Gate, Heroic Epic and Royal Library. Enough said.
Seriously, this building is so freaking powerful for the sole purpose of the XP you get when you have the Great Work of Writing slot filled. With all the buildings mentioned above, each unit that will be churned out will have Level 3 Upgrades + over halfway to Level 4. Im talking each unit that comes out of Assur will have 3 Accuracy/ Drill + 15% Combat Strength (from the Heroic Epic) and 3-4 attacks away from hitting Logistics/ March/ Blitz etc.
"BUT IMMAPEX, YOU CAN GET LEVEL 3 UPGRADES OUT OF YOUR CAPITAL WITHOUT ROYAL LIBRARY!"
Yes, but you cant get Level 3 Upgrades straight up in any other city. With the Royal Library slots filled, you can.
Say we are sitting on 6-7 cities, which my strategy suggests. We are macroing up heavily when Brandenburg Gate is about to pop in the Capital. We have the Royal Library, Barracks, Armory and Military Academy all primed up in our 5-6 other cities. Each one of those cities now switch to pure unit production. Thats 5-6 cities of Level 3 Upgraded units that are getting churned out. Lets now add ToA (+15% production to constructing ranged units), Stables (+15% production to Mounted Units), and eventually Arsenal of Democracy (+25% production to Military Units) OR Total War (+25% production to Military Units + 15 XP to new units). Add on Workshops/ Factories/ Hydro Plants etc and youve got 5-6 Cities that are pumping out Level 3 Upgraded Units at an insanely fast pace. 2-3 rounds of Unit production basically guarantees you to have the strongest army in the mid-to-late game, no matter the difficulty. Are you as aroused as I am right now?
Lets take a a look at the 2nd hot and bothersome feature of the Royal Library. When the slot is filled (insert that's what she said joke here), your city gains +2 Culture and +2 Tourism. Meh. On 6-7 cities however, thats an extra 12-14 Culture and Tourism per turn for you. Still meh. When each city you own brings an extra 10% policy cost, 12-14 Culture per turn will gladly be taken. Install yourself a Broadcast Tower in these cities, and youll no longer stress out about finishing Rationalism on time. Its a small buff, but its more effective than what a Culture CS Ally will give you. Who would ever turn that down?
in the early game which is just a massive bonus. If you cant get a worker to chop a forest in time, you risk losing this to the AI. If you somehow dont get a forest, dont buy a lottery ticket/ do anything dangerous today because you are as unlucky as they come. Dont fear however, because switching to production focus at 3 Citizens and building a mine with your Worker can also get the job done as well. Its not as effective though being that you nearly always want to be in food focus early on. 
right now. The writing is amazing 
I'm definitely looking forward to the rest of it, so keep it up!
