..I just want to hear other peoples all-time favorite non-hero "heroes" stories
Stumpy was one of the survivors of the Dwarves/Lizardmen event. I had plenty of units, at the time, so I marched him off to the far north and stuck him with garrison duty in Podunk Nowhere, a barb city that I had capture many turns ago. Stumpy's list of promotions was not impressive. He was never as powerful as my most powerful units and he didn't experience great adventures that advanced the causes of the Empire. But, there was one time, in a far off region of the Empire, where Stumpy made a difference.
So, here ya go.. my all-time favorite non-hero "Hero."
Stumpy the Dented
Stumpy sat in Podunk Nowhere, cursing lizardmen. It wasn't that he hated them with as much passion as he practiced while cursing their existence - Lizardmen aren't all bad. It's the only the ones that Fate contrives such a set of circumstances as to place them as primary causes for the exile of one particular dwarf, that Stumpy was ever scornful of. Despite his rescue from a deep dungeon by the human Bannor, Stumpy was in a perpetual grim mood. After all, you can only kill a lizardman once. So, Stumpy endured another year without a transfer, another year of sitting on his rear end, guarding a city that had little purpose, no entertainment and exported nothing but boredom to the rest of the Empire.
Podunk Nowhere was located on a pleasant hill, surrounded by a mountain range that would have been beautiful if it hadn't been perpetually blanketed by snow. Located in the far North of the Empire, it was tiny, poorly producing town and, generally, the rectum of the ever expanding (in the other direction) Bannor Empire. But, Stumpy was content, in a dwarfish sort of way. He was surrounded by his beloved mountains and was generally happy, even though he spent all his time sitting on his flat, Dwarf, butt in garrison duty with a down-on-his luck archer who's equipment could only barely be called useful for a "ranged attack" if it was hurled off a wall.
The years droned on.. Stumpy sat and stared at the mountains. Sometimes, his little dwarfish ears would perk up at the sound of barbarians and he would enthusiastically ready his arms for battle. But, he never got to play in any of the barbarian games... Those were reserved for the very active and experienced guard-posts in the region. Poor Stumpy, stuck in the middle of nowhere with an idiot for a companion and equipment twice as bad.. should have stayed in the dungeon.
Then, many years after his rescue and much polishing of stone benches with his posterior, danger reared its ugly head and the Empire trembled! Stephanos appeared to terrorize the land! And, Podunk Nowhere was his first target!
Legions were assembled and proud heroes set upon the road to protect the Empire and Podunk Nowhere from the threat of Stephanos. But, the way was long and the road was much exposed to the depredations of barbarians. Passage through Archeron's territory was required and Archeron wasn't amenable to receiving diplomats.. Well, he was highly amenable to receiving diplomats for dinner, just not as a guest. The nearby outposts on the outskirts of Podunk Nowhere were quickly overrun - Stephanos was unstoppable. Several fortresses fell to Stephanos and quickly took up his banner. Evil undead glared from their battlements.
Ravaging the countryside, Stephanos finally arrived at Podunk Nowhere and Stumpy and the Archer faced their doom. Stephanos attacked the city, swooping down upon it from the impenetrable mountains only he could navigate with impunity. The archer attempted a brave, but futile, defense of the city's walls. Stephanos was not impressed. The archer fell on the first attack, his body broken and twisted. Stephanos retreated, only slightly wounded, and made ready to crush the city on his return.
But, brave little Stumpy gripped his axe and defied the First of the Horseman! Stephanos charged the gates and Stumpy, wildly swinging his axe and standing over the dismembered body of the archer, forced him to retreat, once again, to the safety of the mountains. Stephanos, wounded yet still formidable, made ready for another assault. Stumpy silently mourned the loss of his companion, the archer Kristoff the Dim. Stumpy realized that, though Kristoff hadn't been the most brilliant nor capable of the Empire's men, he was all that Stumpy had for a friend. Now, he was gone and Stumpy faced the most powerful adversary the World had yet known. But, Kristoff's life had not been given in vain - With Stumpy's bravery, the city still held!
It was then that the Legion arrived. Led by brave heroes, each looking for the honor of slaying the First of the Horseman, the Legion was a mass of longbowman, horses, chariots, sturdy champions and hard men. Stephanos couldn't face them in open battle and hope to survive. But, he did not retreat... Instead, Stephanos opted to ignore them.
Again and again, the First Horseman assailed the walls of Podunk Nowhere, Rectum of the Empire and the Seat of Stumpy. Each time, Stumpy was there, alone, wildly swinging his axe, cursing Stephanos and long dead lizardmen. Each time, Stumpy's dwarfish determination and bravery forced Stephanos to retreat to his mountain holdfast to lick his wounds.
The Legion was unable to catch him, though they tried with every resource at their disposal. Stephanos skirted around even the swiftest chariots and flew past the hardiest defenders. He flanked the main force several times, charging past their lines to, yet again, attack Podunk Nowhere. Stephanos was no longer a demon of the distant past, emerging into the present to terrorize a world. Now, he was a demon of pride with a single-minded purpose - Destroy Podunk Nowhere and raze it to the ground, along with the bones of a certain defiant dwarf!
Baron Duin Halfmorn, Knight Commander of the Armies of the Bannor, faced a dilemma. He could split his forces, hoping to corral the wildly charging Stephanos, but only at risk to the unsupported troops that would be sacrificed to hold him at bay. Or, he could garrison Podunk Nowhere and hope to meet him on the field of battle beneath its walls. But, the city was a desolate place and of little value to the Empire when faced with the prospect that if the Baron abandoned his current lines, Stephanos would then be free to travel South, deep into the heart of the Empire's main production centers. No, if Podunk Nowhere fell, so be it - The Empire would sacrifice a city in order to defeat the First of the Horsemen.
The war waged on. It was a game of maneuver and impassible mountains, of lives wasted in fruitless attempts at baiting the First of the Horseman and of missed opportunities when Stephanos was exposed, yet no units could make good an attempt to destroy him. It was a constant siege, of the impregnable mountain strongholds of Stephanos where he bandaged his wounds and of the terrible onslaughts he brought upon Podunk Nowhere and its lone defender. It was a war punctuated by Stephanos's vendetta. At every opportunity, Stephanos pushed past the forces arrayed against him by the Baron and assailed Podunk Nowhere. Again and again, Stumpy continued to defy him and met him at the walls with his axe in hand, throwing curses and wild swings with equal abandon.
It seemed nothing could stop Stephanos and nothing could end the stalemate. The Baron could order Stumpy to quit the city and take his chances, as best he could, traveling through Archeron's lands to reach a suitable refuge. But, the Baron had grown fond of the surly little dwarf. He may have had his own personal demons, but the Baron recognized bravery and courage when he saw it and, somewhere within his heart, he remembered honor. No, Stumpy would have his chance to leave his mark on the world. He could remain in the city as its lone defender, until death took him.. or worse.
During the winter campaign, the tide seemed to turn for the Empire. After much planning, the Baron set an ambush for Stephanos. This time, it would be something he couldn't refuse. A "volunteer" unit was unwittingly recruited as a sacrificial goat. Chariots and archers were placed in strategic positions, ready to launch their counter-attack. Heroes readied their arms, cinched their armor and moved to their positions. The Baron had learned of Stephanos's vendetta against Podunk Nowhere and knew it was a prize he couldn't resist. In a complicated trap, Stephanos was caught outside of his moutain refuge and the Baron's brilliant maneuver finally succeeded where so many other's failed! Or, so he thought. Though Stephanos was killed, he was not destroyed.
The next year, Stephanos came back with a vengeance. The Baron had not consulted the Empire's sages, had not read the lore surrounding Stephanos and had thoroughly misjudged his capabilities. Stephanos was reborn and was twice-filled with rage. He mounted yet another series of assaults against Podunk Nowhere, ignoring the Baron's insignificant forces. Retreating to the impassible mountains, he was unassailable by any counter-attacking force.
It took many years before Stephanos was finally defeated in a carefully orchestrated campaign that sacrificed many men for the victory. None are sure how many attacks Stumpy endured. He doesn't speak about it much. Though, during the Winter's evening snows in Podunk Nowhere when the blizzards are their worst and the mountains that Stumpy loves so much are shrouded in their embrace, he mutters curses under his breath of long-dead lizardmen.. and demons.
