By the strength of our arms, the courage of our hearts, the wisdom of our leaders and the steadfastness of our virtue we have withstood the assault of this Dalotha wearing the guise of an emperor. We have survived the Ordeal. In other times that would be enough. But this is our Great Ordeal, and survival is not enough. We must triumph. We must carry the Ordeal to the very heart of our enemy and there rip it out.
-Gabas, 1st Ihalint Sadorishi, RM 499
*****
The deserted city of Sern, RM 501
Gabas is furious with me. “How can you deprive me of this,” he almost screams. “Have I not always fought with you, been one of this false-emperor's deadliest foes.” I nod – you can do nothing but let him run out once he gets himself worked up. “Why, then?!” he continues. “Why must I stay behind like an invalid? Why am I prevented from serving my Faith?”
I sigh a little, inwardly. We all knew he'd react like this – that's why we didn't tell him until now. And technically, of course, he should have known, for he'd have received orders otherwise. Still, Gabas is more than a little imposing when he gets into one of his righteous furies. That's what makes him valuable, of course, how he created the Fatherless out of lost boys and broken men: that all consuming drive of his. Doesn't make it any easier to deal with when it's directed at you, though.
I wait a moment, to make sure he is indeed finished. It can be hard to tell sometimes, and I can see that he's got more left in him. He restrains himself with a visible effort, though; at least he has that much respect for me. “This is no punishment or dishonour,” I begin, laying it on thick. “Rather I leave you behind because you are the only one I can trust with this most vital and dangerous of tasks. For us, we who go, if we fail it will be our end, but it will not be Gallat's end. That burden I must entrust to you, for there are no others with the strength of will to bear it. And likewise nothing we do will matter if the Shield is broken, and there is no one better suited to hold the Shield than you.” Maybe a little too thick. But it works: he's placated, at least a bit. The fury goes out of his face, his protests trail off into grumbling, and he makes the appropriate niceties and stalks away, as I knew he would. Gabas seems to never actually disobey, however much noise he makes.
“That man frightens me,” says a familiar voice behind me, and I turn to see Araldi Nuvor leaning against a wall, wearing his usual sardonic grin. “I only hope he frightens Qasaarai more. That was easier than I expected.”
“He knows it's true, Araldi. He's devoted, not stupid.” Always tell the truth, you know. Just not all of it. I am leaving him because I trust him with a crucial task. I'm also leaving him because, while he's not stupid, he's still a rigid, frightening, borderline fanatic, with many equally rigid and fanatical followers, and I know that if I bring him he will make my life difficult. And my life has been difficult enough for a long time now. “Are you sure you will be able to handle him?”
“Yes, yes. Gabas doesn't care for anything but killing Savirai, he'll be no trouble. Don't worry.” I turn down the street and start walking towards where our camp was, outside the walls, and I beckon Araldi to follow. We walk together in silent contemplation for a while, down the empty streets. Sern burned years ago, and only the empty shells of buildings remain, lining the streets, the inhabitants dead or fled long ago and either way not returned. There are squatters, of course, and refugees and we've restored some of the larger buildings for quarters, but on this morning, in this quarter, there's none of that, just the oppressive silence that only occurs in places where there was once great noise. It's a familiar noise in Gallat these days. It's a stark reminder of the stakes – as though any of us could ever forget. Still, today it seems especially gloomy, and I find myself trying to think of happier things. I wonder what Nuvor thinks of Sern. It surely doesn't affect him so much – Araldi always seemed to me slightly incorporeal, coasting through all this devastation without being too badly touched by it. It's a strange friendship we have, but no less valued for that. Eventually I break the silence. “You're leaving for Sirasona tomorrow. Shouldn't you be packing?”
Araldi chuckles, though it wasn't funny. “Men to do that for me now. The perks of position, eh, Javan? Everything handled for you, hardly a care in the world. Almost makes the whole war worth it.” He trails off, and we're silent again for a time. Then he says quietly, all the levity gone from his voice, “Do you think it will work?” I suppose Sern has been working on his mind after all.
Will it work? It's a question that's been discussed over and over for months. He knows: he's been there, as have I. But he's never asked me like this, just friend to friend. In truth, I've never really asked myself: it's too easy to hide behind the minutiae, the technical details, determining how to do each little piece, and never to confront the whole edifice. And now, here at the precipice, it all seems so much less certain. “We're taking a terrible risk. It had better work,” I reply after a moment. “And if it doesn't, at least we won't live to see the consequences.” Araldi nods somberly at that. “And besides, whether it works or not is not our concern; we only need to know that we must do it.” Do what the situation requires of you, try to do what's best for everyone and not to think of the consequences of failure, that's what I've been doing ever since Gallasa. I suppose it hasn't failed yet.
Araldi perks up a bit at that, some of his usual energy returning. “You've been spending too much time with Gabas,” he chides me. “So have I, I suppose. They poison your mind, you know, turn you into one of those Fatherless who think and speak and desire nothing but death. I swear some of them don't eat, or at least I've never seen them.”
Now it's my turn to chuckle at an unfunny jest, as we arrive at the ruined city gate. “Well,” Araldi says, and though he again sounds superficially like himself I can tell he's shaken. “This is it, I suppose.”
“This is it,” I agree. “One way or another, I'll see you on the other side.” We embrace for a long moment, and when we break away Araldi's familiar old smile is back. “Don't be so gloomy, Javan. You've come through Immolation and desolation and conspiracy and Ordeal. This is nothing. The next time I see you, you'll be immortal.” We embrace one last time, and then a soldier brings my horse, I mount, look down at my friend on last time, and canter off. In the morning light, I can see the camp is already broken, and a long column of men marching over the horizon. I rush to rejoin them, my men. There's no time to waste.
The Peregrination is on the move at last.
*****
And so we come to the most cunning of Ordeals. These are calculated so as to fit our current circumstances so that, no matter how wise or virtuous we may be, we cannot withstand them in our current lives. These are fortunately rare, but no less terrible for that. Clearly to weather and overcome such an Ordeal it is necessary then to depart from the ordinary circle of our lives, to change our circumstances and thereby discover what is lacking: to embark upon a Peregrination.
-excerpted from
Concerning Ordeals, Ward Taras, RM 482