Gaius Octavius
Deity
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2006
- Messages
- 4,016
Dr. Strangeprank: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love CivJunction
Inspired by the NESers, the Stories and Tales section, and the April Fools prank, I have decided to write a story about the merger and resistance group, told in the form of a fictional "kingdom" like in Civilization. I'll incorporate posts and jokes told on that infamous April 1, and basically, it will be a humorous and mildly entertaining composite of the historical wars and speeches we've butchered for the sake of comedy, set against the backdrop of indignant crusaders.
Since Ball Lightning saw fit to put this on Apolyton, we should have our own link here. Can't let them one-up us in any way.
The full version, with comments, can be found here.
WARNING! The following contains corny humor and bad puns, which may be unsuitable for sophisticated readers! Enter at your own risk.
PART I
It was the best of Civ, it was the worst of Civ: How the Revolution Began
It was the best of Civ, it was the worst of Civ; it was the day of wisdom, it was the day of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct to CivJunction.
There sat upon the throne in those days a King by the name of Thunderfall. In the early days of his reign, the people admired and respected him, save a few that had to be banned from his realm for trolling. TF exemplified all the traits of a wise and generous ruler: benevolence, kindness, civility, even heroism. In a few short years his empire grew to become the largest of all of Civilization’s Kingdoms, spanning the world over; his Fanatics sprouted up in every corner of the globe, including, importantly for our story, in a group of colonies overseas from the Empire’s capital. The people were happy, prosperous, and productive… but behind the scenes there lurked a dark danger, waiting to be unleashed on the unsuspecting citizens.
One quiet March day in the tenth year of the Civ Fanatics Empire, Thunderfall and his advisors were meeting for their usual administration discussions, when a thought occurred to them: in a few days there would be a special holiday throughout the kingdom renowned for its jovial celebrations and good humor. What if TF and his crew organized a special ‘surprise’ just for the citizens? Slowly, the devious plan began to take shape. TF would announce a new peace treaty and plan of unification with the CFC kingdom’s long-time neighbors and sworn enemies, the Apolytoners. “Surely the people will see this for what it is and get a good laugh out of it!” he exclaimed. But his advisor Chieftess was quick to point out, “Suppose some think it’s real. What happens then?” There was a brief pause. “BWA HA HA HAH HAH HAHA!!”
Preparations were made with the Apolyton leader, DanQ, and several CFC advisors, and on the first day of April, the trap was sprung. News announcements rang out all over the kingdom: “Merger with Apolyton! New CivJunction Empire to be Created!”
The stunned populace struggled to comprehend what had just happened. Confusion reigned supreme, all kinds of questions were being thrown around constantly, and uncertainty prevailed in the minds of most. Above all, there was a profound sense of disbelief and revulsion.
Amid the popular chaos, the Civ Fanatics Congress meets in the far-off colonies of CFC to debate the issue.
“I still say this is nothing but poly-cockles!” cries one representative. “Look at the date; this is quite clearly nothing but a massive ploy to arouse popular support against us and embarrass the good representatives of the colonial Civ Fanatics! Why, the very idea itself demands a swift response!”
A senior member of the political scene, Impaler[WrG], takes the floor: “Gentlemen, let me assure you all that this is nothing other than a further example of our glorious king’s sense of humor. Let us not argue too much; I should like to remind the people that, even if it does prove to be true, there is much to be gained by such a union. We worry about the new taxes and fees that were announced, yet 99% of the content is going to remain free; the subscription just gets you access to a bigger forum and a few other little perks. We should wholeheartedly embrace this idea. It’s good for everybody.”
With this remark, the entire Congress bursts into an uproar. “There shall be no union!” says one member. “One Forum, One King, One Liberty, now and forever!” Others proclaim their disgust at the idea of unification. Several members have to be escorted out of the chamber by armed guards. Within a matter of hours, as the news breaks across the colonies, people are in open civil disorder; there is rioting in newsrooms; people paint nasty messages on pictures of Thunderfall; police arrest one woman who tries to throw a server off the Civ Millennium Tower in protest.
Now (as you might have already guessed) it just so happened that the inhabitants of the Civ Fanatics Colonies were of a reactionary sort. Among all the Civilization Fanatics, they were deemed the worst, the first to fight, the last to leave. “One more turn…” does not do them justice. They were the most prone to revolt at the announcement, true or false, and revolt they did.
With growing support from more radical elements of society, there begins to emerge a resistance movement dedicated to the cause of a free CFC. Organized and led by nonconformist, their aim is to fight to the death to prevent a merger with Apolyton. Posters begin appearing all over the place, declaring that no Apolytoner shall set foot on sacred CFC territory:
The CFC Insurgency Movement
will resist all attempts to merge with Apolyton with the greatest power we can muster. This is the mother of all battles. Apolytoners will be killed on sight. The Insurgents will come down upon them like a ton of bricks; a ton of bricks with machineguns, RPGs and IEDs. Not one step backwards. The Apolytoners will be pushed from our boundaries, or die here. They will leave on foot, or in body bags.
The Insurgency will be victorious.
OT Ackbar! Long live the Insurgency, and long live a free OT!
Meanwhile, back in the imperial capital, TF and his board of moderators learn of the revolt.
“This has gone too far already, TF. Shut it down, NOW!”
“Ah, where’s your sense of humor, Chieftess? They will calm down in a while and we can all go back to normal.”
Just then, one of Thunderfall’s aides, Quintus, bursts into the room.
“My liege! The resistance has attacked one of our outposts near OT! It was completely wiped out!”
“WHAAAT!!!!???” TF bellows. “Dispatch our colonial forces to suppress these rebellious heathens at once!”
“Told ya,” retorts Chieftess.
The expeditionary force gets word in their colonial fort, mobilizes and quickly departs, ready to engage the resistance at OT. While they are marching, the unexpected news reaches the colonial assembly, and members become increasingly alarmed at the prospect of having their freedom irrevocably lost. Public opinion is rapidly turning in favor of war.
Backed by insurgents armed with everything from Bowie knives and cattle prods to Ak-47’s and canisters of spam, nonconformist and his new lieutenant, Cleric, set out to ambush the loyalists before they can arrive in OT.
Meanwhile, debate rages on at the colonial CFC Congress, this time in the Warlords forum…
“I’m telling ya, this is a JOKE!!!”
“Horse hockey!! This is for real! The time for talk is over. We gotta fight this while we still have an army to do it with! Why do you think TF is so adamant about a merger? He’s a Communist!”
“Oh, get a life - stop living in the 1950’s. Be faithful to your king. When’s he ever done you harm? Have you no decency, man? At long last, have you no decency?!”
“You ignorant -- Why, I ought to teach you a lesson in manners!”
Just then a passerby, an Apolyton diplomat, overhears this conversation and speaks. “CivJunction is coming! Love it or leave. Make no mistake: whether we bring CivJunction to our enemies, or our enemies to CivJunction, CivJunction will be done!”
“ARRGGH!” [Sounds of punches landing and lots of fighting.]
A moderator approaches:
“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here, this is the Warlords room!”
In the imperial capital, TF’s press secretary tries to handle questions from clamoring reporters.
“Is it true that several mods have defected to the new insurgency?”
“That’s - ahem - UNCONFIRMED at this point, however we are looking into everything, as usual.”
“Does that mean we can expect an answer by the end of the day?”
“No comment.”
“Is it true that TF has taken a vacation while the insurgency is active?”
“Absolutely not. Thunderfall remains committed to his people, even the revolutionary buggers. He is, however, considering directing matters from his new headquarters in Crawford.”
“Sir, will that impair his ability to govern this crisis?”
“Honestly, I don’t know, but I can’t see that it makes any difference. The King hasn’t been off his throne all morning.”
“Well, what are his plans to deal with this?”
“We’re thinking about ignoring it and hoping it will go away.”
“What about allegations that this merger is being done for financial reasons, because of TF’s lavish spending lately, like with the Fluff Incident?”
“Those allegations are completely false and unfounded. I can assure you, as I have done before, that we are fiscally responsible here. Waste not, want not, I always say. I’ll say it again: the Thunderfall administration has never condoned the use of CFC money for the purchase of the Fluffy-brand toilet paper.”
Things are beginning to look bad for Thunderfall and his administrators…
In the palace main room, TF and aide Quintus are busy talking strategy, when Chieftess stumbles in.
“You will simply not believe this… I beg to report… no, I HAVE to report… that the revolutionaries have… have… HAVE ATTACKED AND ANNIHILATED OUR FORCES! They ambushed us on a back road near OT and took 3,000 prisoners! A few barely managed to escape and made it back to the base, where they called in. The stragglers were soon besieged by nonconformist, and they had to withdraw immediately to safety in the north. I’m told that the resisters have now formed groups in all parts of the colonies! Revolution is imminent!”
TF and Quintus are dumbfounded. There is absolute silence in the room as Chieftess just stands there, awaiting his next move.
“Only one thing we can do now -- assemble all our moderators, mobilize the full might of the Fanatics Expeditionary Force, and dispatch our fleet to take care of this once and for all. I simply cannot believe it.”
With a quick nod, Chieftess leaves to put the plan into action. TF and his aide sit and stare at each other, unsure of what will happen next.
TF: “It all started as a joke… now we have a revolution on our hands. How could it anger so many people, Quintus? How??”
Quintus just shakes his head. “People really should know when they’re kidded.”
TF raises an eyebrow. “Would you, Quintus? Would I?”
To be continued...
Inspired by the NESers, the Stories and Tales section, and the April Fools prank, I have decided to write a story about the merger and resistance group, told in the form of a fictional "kingdom" like in Civilization. I'll incorporate posts and jokes told on that infamous April 1, and basically, it will be a humorous and mildly entertaining composite of the historical wars and speeches we've butchered for the sake of comedy, set against the backdrop of indignant crusaders.
Since Ball Lightning saw fit to put this on Apolyton, we should have our own link here. Can't let them one-up us in any way.
The full version, with comments, can be found here.
WARNING! The following contains corny humor and bad puns, which may be unsuitable for sophisticated readers! Enter at your own risk.
PART I
It was the best of Civ, it was the worst of Civ: How the Revolution Began
It was the best of Civ, it was the worst of Civ; it was the day of wisdom, it was the day of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct to CivJunction.
There sat upon the throne in those days a King by the name of Thunderfall. In the early days of his reign, the people admired and respected him, save a few that had to be banned from his realm for trolling. TF exemplified all the traits of a wise and generous ruler: benevolence, kindness, civility, even heroism. In a few short years his empire grew to become the largest of all of Civilization’s Kingdoms, spanning the world over; his Fanatics sprouted up in every corner of the globe, including, importantly for our story, in a group of colonies overseas from the Empire’s capital. The people were happy, prosperous, and productive… but behind the scenes there lurked a dark danger, waiting to be unleashed on the unsuspecting citizens.
One quiet March day in the tenth year of the Civ Fanatics Empire, Thunderfall and his advisors were meeting for their usual administration discussions, when a thought occurred to them: in a few days there would be a special holiday throughout the kingdom renowned for its jovial celebrations and good humor. What if TF and his crew organized a special ‘surprise’ just for the citizens? Slowly, the devious plan began to take shape. TF would announce a new peace treaty and plan of unification with the CFC kingdom’s long-time neighbors and sworn enemies, the Apolytoners. “Surely the people will see this for what it is and get a good laugh out of it!” he exclaimed. But his advisor Chieftess was quick to point out, “Suppose some think it’s real. What happens then?” There was a brief pause. “BWA HA HA HAH HAH HAHA!!”
Preparations were made with the Apolyton leader, DanQ, and several CFC advisors, and on the first day of April, the trap was sprung. News announcements rang out all over the kingdom: “Merger with Apolyton! New CivJunction Empire to be Created!”
The stunned populace struggled to comprehend what had just happened. Confusion reigned supreme, all kinds of questions were being thrown around constantly, and uncertainty prevailed in the minds of most. Above all, there was a profound sense of disbelief and revulsion.
Amid the popular chaos, the Civ Fanatics Congress meets in the far-off colonies of CFC to debate the issue.
“I still say this is nothing but poly-cockles!” cries one representative. “Look at the date; this is quite clearly nothing but a massive ploy to arouse popular support against us and embarrass the good representatives of the colonial Civ Fanatics! Why, the very idea itself demands a swift response!”
A senior member of the political scene, Impaler[WrG], takes the floor: “Gentlemen, let me assure you all that this is nothing other than a further example of our glorious king’s sense of humor. Let us not argue too much; I should like to remind the people that, even if it does prove to be true, there is much to be gained by such a union. We worry about the new taxes and fees that were announced, yet 99% of the content is going to remain free; the subscription just gets you access to a bigger forum and a few other little perks. We should wholeheartedly embrace this idea. It’s good for everybody.”
With this remark, the entire Congress bursts into an uproar. “There shall be no union!” says one member. “One Forum, One King, One Liberty, now and forever!” Others proclaim their disgust at the idea of unification. Several members have to be escorted out of the chamber by armed guards. Within a matter of hours, as the news breaks across the colonies, people are in open civil disorder; there is rioting in newsrooms; people paint nasty messages on pictures of Thunderfall; police arrest one woman who tries to throw a server off the Civ Millennium Tower in protest.
Now (as you might have already guessed) it just so happened that the inhabitants of the Civ Fanatics Colonies were of a reactionary sort. Among all the Civilization Fanatics, they were deemed the worst, the first to fight, the last to leave. “One more turn…” does not do them justice. They were the most prone to revolt at the announcement, true or false, and revolt they did.
With growing support from more radical elements of society, there begins to emerge a resistance movement dedicated to the cause of a free CFC. Organized and led by nonconformist, their aim is to fight to the death to prevent a merger with Apolyton. Posters begin appearing all over the place, declaring that no Apolytoner shall set foot on sacred CFC territory:
The CFC Insurgency Movement
will resist all attempts to merge with Apolyton with the greatest power we can muster. This is the mother of all battles. Apolytoners will be killed on sight. The Insurgents will come down upon them like a ton of bricks; a ton of bricks with machineguns, RPGs and IEDs. Not one step backwards. The Apolytoners will be pushed from our boundaries, or die here. They will leave on foot, or in body bags.
The Insurgency will be victorious.
OT Ackbar! Long live the Insurgency, and long live a free OT!
Meanwhile, back in the imperial capital, TF and his board of moderators learn of the revolt.
“This has gone too far already, TF. Shut it down, NOW!”
“Ah, where’s your sense of humor, Chieftess? They will calm down in a while and we can all go back to normal.”
Just then, one of Thunderfall’s aides, Quintus, bursts into the room.
“My liege! The resistance has attacked one of our outposts near OT! It was completely wiped out!”
“WHAAAT!!!!???” TF bellows. “Dispatch our colonial forces to suppress these rebellious heathens at once!”
“Told ya,” retorts Chieftess.
The expeditionary force gets word in their colonial fort, mobilizes and quickly departs, ready to engage the resistance at OT. While they are marching, the unexpected news reaches the colonial assembly, and members become increasingly alarmed at the prospect of having their freedom irrevocably lost. Public opinion is rapidly turning in favor of war.
Backed by insurgents armed with everything from Bowie knives and cattle prods to Ak-47’s and canisters of spam, nonconformist and his new lieutenant, Cleric, set out to ambush the loyalists before they can arrive in OT.
Meanwhile, debate rages on at the colonial CFC Congress, this time in the Warlords forum…
“I’m telling ya, this is a JOKE!!!”
“Horse hockey!! This is for real! The time for talk is over. We gotta fight this while we still have an army to do it with! Why do you think TF is so adamant about a merger? He’s a Communist!”
“Oh, get a life - stop living in the 1950’s. Be faithful to your king. When’s he ever done you harm? Have you no decency, man? At long last, have you no decency?!”
“You ignorant -- Why, I ought to teach you a lesson in manners!”
Just then a passerby, an Apolyton diplomat, overhears this conversation and speaks. “CivJunction is coming! Love it or leave. Make no mistake: whether we bring CivJunction to our enemies, or our enemies to CivJunction, CivJunction will be done!”
“ARRGGH!” [Sounds of punches landing and lots of fighting.]
A moderator approaches:
“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here, this is the Warlords room!”
In the imperial capital, TF’s press secretary tries to handle questions from clamoring reporters.
“Is it true that several mods have defected to the new insurgency?”
“That’s - ahem - UNCONFIRMED at this point, however we are looking into everything, as usual.”
“Does that mean we can expect an answer by the end of the day?”
“No comment.”
“Is it true that TF has taken a vacation while the insurgency is active?”
“Absolutely not. Thunderfall remains committed to his people, even the revolutionary buggers. He is, however, considering directing matters from his new headquarters in Crawford.”
“Sir, will that impair his ability to govern this crisis?”
“Honestly, I don’t know, but I can’t see that it makes any difference. The King hasn’t been off his throne all morning.”
“Well, what are his plans to deal with this?”
“We’re thinking about ignoring it and hoping it will go away.”
“What about allegations that this merger is being done for financial reasons, because of TF’s lavish spending lately, like with the Fluff Incident?”
“Those allegations are completely false and unfounded. I can assure you, as I have done before, that we are fiscally responsible here. Waste not, want not, I always say. I’ll say it again: the Thunderfall administration has never condoned the use of CFC money for the purchase of the Fluffy-brand toilet paper.”
Things are beginning to look bad for Thunderfall and his administrators…
In the palace main room, TF and aide Quintus are busy talking strategy, when Chieftess stumbles in.
“You will simply not believe this… I beg to report… no, I HAVE to report… that the revolutionaries have… have… HAVE ATTACKED AND ANNIHILATED OUR FORCES! They ambushed us on a back road near OT and took 3,000 prisoners! A few barely managed to escape and made it back to the base, where they called in. The stragglers were soon besieged by nonconformist, and they had to withdraw immediately to safety in the north. I’m told that the resisters have now formed groups in all parts of the colonies! Revolution is imminent!”
TF and Quintus are dumbfounded. There is absolute silence in the room as Chieftess just stands there, awaiting his next move.
“Only one thing we can do now -- assemble all our moderators, mobilize the full might of the Fanatics Expeditionary Force, and dispatch our fleet to take care of this once and for all. I simply cannot believe it.”
With a quick nod, Chieftess leaves to put the plan into action. TF and his aide sit and stare at each other, unsure of what will happen next.
TF: “It all started as a joke… now we have a revolution on our hands. How could it anger so many people, Quintus? How??”
Quintus just shakes his head. “People really should know when they’re kidded.”
TF raises an eyebrow. “Would you, Quintus? Would I?”
To be continued...
