Ball Lightning
www.sporedum.net
Its not really a song, but anyway..
Part 6 will be delayed due to Octavious having a RL and is busy.
Part 6 will be delayed due to Octavious having a RL and is busy.
The Revolution: A Tale of Liberty - The Great CivJunction Merger Epic
- Thread starter Gaius Octavius
- Start date
Gaius Octavius
Deity
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2006
- Messages
- 4,016
PART III
The Bombers Prepare to Attack Apolyton While The Fanatics Declare Independence
To guard against surprise Apolyton invasion, the Civ Fanatic Empire employs a standing force of B-52 stratofortresses in the air 24 hours a day. Their mission: protect CFC against any and all preemptive Apolytonist air attack. Each carries a payload of 70,000 pounds of high-grade spam explosives, the combined total of which has the capacity to knock out all servers within miles.
We now join one of these planes, part of the 459th bomb wing - the wing commanded by Jack Spammer, who ordered the assault on Apolyton - which was already in the air, somewhere above friendly Colonial skies. This particular bomber is specially equipped with an atam bomb and is piloted by its charismatic commander, Major KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!
Officer: Major Khan? I just got a very strange message over the CIV-114.
Maj. Khan [with Southern accent]: Yeah? Well, whut is it?
Its um, I think youd better come down here and see for yourself.
Khan: Well, shoot! This better not be another one of your April Fools jokes. You take over for me, Sparks.
Major Khan leaves his copilot in charge, then crawls down the ladder to the lower section of the massive B-52, where the CIV operator is waiting for him.
So whats going on?
Here - you see for yourself. He shows him the decoded message, which instructs them to implement wing attack plan s. Khans eyes bug out when he sees it.
Fellas, how many times have I told you I dont want no horsin around on the airplane?
Honest, Major Khan, it just came over the wire.
Well, I been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and thats the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones!
Khan inspects the codebook for that day, and confirms that the message does, in fact, instruct the crew to implement plan s. He and the rest of the crew are baffled.
Khan: Get confirmation on that from base.
Second officer: Major, are you sure this isnt just some kind of loyalty test? You know, to see who would go and who wouldnt?
Khan: Aint nobody EVER got the go-code so long as Ive been flyin, and ole Spammer wouldnt have given it unless them Polys had already started something awful. You heard those reports about CivJunction this morning just like I did; about a half hour ago, I heard something on the radio about an in-sur-gen-cy and independence. Fellas, it looks like Thunderfall wasnt kidding. Our people are under attack by their own leaders.
CIV Operator: Its confirmed, sir.
Second Officer: What should we do?
Khan pauses briefly, then, with a look of determination, announces: Well, boys, I reckon this is it. [Puts on a large cowboy hat.] Spam combat toe-to-toe with the Polys!
[When Johnny Comes Marching Home plays over the radio as Khan and crew break out the sealed battle plans.]
At the imperial palace, Thunderfall is still trying to deal with DanQ, leader of the Apolytoners.
Yes, yes, I know no, I agree, weve got deal with this immediately Yes, Ill coordinate everything on this end. Can you put your air defenses on alert ? You havent got any?! Well, whatd you do with them?
Chieftess: Whats he saying?
TF: He says they were all mothballed because there werent enough members to man them, and because they needed more resources for the University.
Chieftess: UGGGHHHH!
Yes, I understand No, Ill get you the bombing plans as soon as I can. CAC (CFCs Air Command) has them. Listen, Dan, we have another problem its about your citizens. They are spilling over the borders constantly now. The Apolytoners bumbling about near the capital are stealing chickens and annoying our women. Remove them, please.
Quintus, interrupting: SIR! General Spammer has just called and he wants to speak to you!
TF: DanQ, I have to go - that idiots on the other line. Ill call you back, okay?
TF nearly trips over his genuine imported imitation Persian rug as he hurries to Quintus.
Thunderfall here.
Spammer: Listen carefully. By now, Im sure youve received word of the attack
TF interrupts: Yes, I have. Do you mind telling me what in the world you were thinking?! Have you lost your mind?! Please tell me this is some kind of April Fools prank!
Afraid not, Thunderfall. They are on their way in and no one can bring them back. For the sake of our civilization and our way of life, I suggest you get the rest of CAC in after them to finish the job. Otherwise, youll have a major shooting war on your hands. My boysll give you the best kind of start - 1400 megatons worth of spam total - and you sure as hell wont stop them now. So lets get going. God willing, we will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health through the purity and essence of our precious Civilization forums. Spammer then hangs up.
Thunderfall, Quintus and the team just stare at each other in shock.
TF: Matrix, when you implemented the officer reliability program, you assured me that there would be no possibility of such lunacy ever occurring!
Matrix: Well, sir I dont think its quite fair to condemn the whole program on account of one minor slip-up.
TF: How is this even possible? I thought I was the only one around here authorized to order the use of our air power against a foreign enemy! Shouldnt I have at least been consulted?!
Matrix: Well, yes, sir, that is technically correct and I hate to make snap judgments before all the facts are in, but it looks as though General Spammer may have exceeded his authority in this matter.
Thunderfall punches Matrix and lays him flat-out on the floor.
TF: Chieftess! Wheres SuperSlug and his counter-insurgency team?
Chieftess: At last report, they had arrived in the colonies via air freight. He said he was going to approach nonconformist and try to gain his confidence. He should be sending back data very soon.
TF: Whats our best information on the rebel forces concentrations?
Chieftess: For all I know, their attention spans are about as good as anybodys.
TF: No, I mean where are they massing?
Chieftess: Oh. Our latest intelligence indicates a major insurgent presence in and around the naval base at Pol Harbor.
TF: Very well. Inform our carrier task force to attack just as soon as they get within range. Its time to put an end to this mess once and for all. What about the amphibious invasion?
Chieftess: They are behind the carrier force, but steaming toward the colonies.
TF: Good. Keep me apprised.
Back in the Colonies, the Congress is in an uproar. Some hesitant members still want to give Thunderfall one last chance, while others tar-and-feather them verbally for their hardheadedness. With every resolution stonewalled due to isolationist sentiment, the Congress can go on like this no more. Someone must rally the people and galvanize popular opinion, one way or the other. At 3:00 PM local time, the President of the Colonial Civ Fanatics, Swissempire, who has remained silent about the issue until now, decides to address the joint session of Congress.
Mr. Speaker, Mr. President pro tempore, members of Congress, and fellow Civvers:
In the normal course of events, presidents come to this chamber to report on the state of the Fanatics. Today, no such report is needed. It has already been delivered by the Civ Fanatic people.
On April the first, enemies of freedom committed an act of war against our country. Civvers have known wars, but for the past 10 years, they have been wars on foreign soil, except for one GOTM in 2002. Civvers have known the pranks of April 1, but not at the center of a great forum on a peaceful morning. Civvers have known surprise attacks, but never before on thousands of posters. All of this was brought upon us in a single day, and now we live in a different world, a world where Civilization itself is under attack.
And right now, the United Civilization Fanatics Colonies make the following demands on Thunderfall:
Deliver to Free Civ Fanatic authorities all the leaders of Apolyton and CivJunction who hide in your palace.
Release all colonial nationals, including CFC citizens you have unjustly imprisoned, and protect foreign modders, diplomats, and posters in your capital.
Close immediately and permanently the new CivJunction capital and website, and hand over every CivJunctionist and rebel Apolytoner, and every person in their support structure, to appropriate authorities.
These demands are not open to negotiation or discussion. Thunderfall must act and act immediately. You will hand over the CivJunctionists, or you will share in their fate.
Either you are with us, or you are with the CivJunctionists. From this day forward, any nation or poster that continues to support CivJunction will be regarded by the United Civvers as hostile.
This is not, however, just CFCs fight. And what is at stake is not just CFCs freedom. This is the worlds fight. This is Civilizations fight. This is the fight of all who believe in progress and pluralism, tolerance and freedom.
Our nation, this generation, will lift a dark threat of violence from our people and our future. We will rally the world to this cause, by our efforts and by our courage. We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail. Peace and Posters will prevail.
There is great applause in the capital as the Congress erupts into cheers and a spontaneous standing ovation. The last few isolationists, shamed by their peers and president, either come over to the side of independence or give up entirely and resign their positions. There is no going back now. It will be done. Its just a matter of when and how.
Spurred on by the independence movement, Gaius Octavius authors a pamphlet, a plea to all loyal Free Civ Fanatics, as they now begin to call themselves, to unite against tyranny. It is distributed throughout the colonies.
THESE are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their beloved Civilization; but he that stands it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives every thing its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as FREEDOM should not be highly rated.
The cause of Civilization is in a great measure the cause of all mankind. Many circumstances hath, and will arise, which are not local, but universal, and through which the principles of all Lovers of Mankind are affected, and in the Event of which, their Affections are interested. We have every opportunity and every encouragement before us, to form the noblest, purest Civilization Empire on the face of the earth. We have it within our power to begin Civilization over again. A situation, similar to the present, hath not happened since the early days of Rhye until now. The birth-day of a new world is at hand, and a race of men perhaps as numerous as all CFC contains, are to receive their portion of freedom from the event of a few months. The Reflection is awful - and in this point of view, how trifling, how ridiculous, do the little, paltry cavellings, of a few weak or interested men appear, when weighed against the business of a world.
The sun never shined on a cause of greater worth. 'Tis not the affair of a city, a country, a province, or a kingdom, but of a continentof at least one eighth part of the habitable globe. 'Tis not the concern of a day, a year, or an age; posterity are virtually involved in the contest, and will be more or less affected, even to the end of time, by the proceedings now. Now is the seed time of union, faith and honor. The least fracture now will be like a name engraved with the point of a pin on the tender rind of a young oak; The wound will enlarge with the tree, and posterity read it in full grown characters.
In short, Independence is the only bond which can tie and keep us together.
The Bombers Prepare to Attack Apolyton While The Fanatics Declare Independence
To guard against surprise Apolyton invasion, the Civ Fanatic Empire employs a standing force of B-52 stratofortresses in the air 24 hours a day. Their mission: protect CFC against any and all preemptive Apolytonist air attack. Each carries a payload of 70,000 pounds of high-grade spam explosives, the combined total of which has the capacity to knock out all servers within miles.
We now join one of these planes, part of the 459th bomb wing - the wing commanded by Jack Spammer, who ordered the assault on Apolyton - which was already in the air, somewhere above friendly Colonial skies. This particular bomber is specially equipped with an atam bomb and is piloted by its charismatic commander, Major KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!
Officer: Major Khan? I just got a very strange message over the CIV-114.
Maj. Khan [with Southern accent]: Yeah? Well, whut is it?
Its um, I think youd better come down here and see for yourself.
Khan: Well, shoot! This better not be another one of your April Fools jokes. You take over for me, Sparks.
Major Khan leaves his copilot in charge, then crawls down the ladder to the lower section of the massive B-52, where the CIV operator is waiting for him.
So whats going on?
Here - you see for yourself. He shows him the decoded message, which instructs them to implement wing attack plan s. Khans eyes bug out when he sees it.
Fellas, how many times have I told you I dont want no horsin around on the airplane?
Honest, Major Khan, it just came over the wire.
Well, I been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and thats the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones!
Khan inspects the codebook for that day, and confirms that the message does, in fact, instruct the crew to implement plan s. He and the rest of the crew are baffled.
Khan: Get confirmation on that from base.
Second officer: Major, are you sure this isnt just some kind of loyalty test? You know, to see who would go and who wouldnt?
Khan: Aint nobody EVER got the go-code so long as Ive been flyin, and ole Spammer wouldnt have given it unless them Polys had already started something awful. You heard those reports about CivJunction this morning just like I did; about a half hour ago, I heard something on the radio about an in-sur-gen-cy and independence. Fellas, it looks like Thunderfall wasnt kidding. Our people are under attack by their own leaders.
CIV Operator: Its confirmed, sir.
Second Officer: What should we do?
Khan pauses briefly, then, with a look of determination, announces: Well, boys, I reckon this is it. [Puts on a large cowboy hat.] Spam combat toe-to-toe with the Polys!
[When Johnny Comes Marching Home plays over the radio as Khan and crew break out the sealed battle plans.]
At the imperial palace, Thunderfall is still trying to deal with DanQ, leader of the Apolytoners.
Yes, yes, I know no, I agree, weve got deal with this immediately Yes, Ill coordinate everything on this end. Can you put your air defenses on alert ? You havent got any?! Well, whatd you do with them?
Chieftess: Whats he saying?
TF: He says they were all mothballed because there werent enough members to man them, and because they needed more resources for the University.
Chieftess: UGGGHHHH!
Yes, I understand No, Ill get you the bombing plans as soon as I can. CAC (CFCs Air Command) has them. Listen, Dan, we have another problem its about your citizens. They are spilling over the borders constantly now. The Apolytoners bumbling about near the capital are stealing chickens and annoying our women. Remove them, please.
Quintus, interrupting: SIR! General Spammer has just called and he wants to speak to you!
TF: DanQ, I have to go - that idiots on the other line. Ill call you back, okay?
TF nearly trips over his genuine imported imitation Persian rug as he hurries to Quintus.
Thunderfall here.
Spammer: Listen carefully. By now, Im sure youve received word of the attack
TF interrupts: Yes, I have. Do you mind telling me what in the world you were thinking?! Have you lost your mind?! Please tell me this is some kind of April Fools prank!
Afraid not, Thunderfall. They are on their way in and no one can bring them back. For the sake of our civilization and our way of life, I suggest you get the rest of CAC in after them to finish the job. Otherwise, youll have a major shooting war on your hands. My boysll give you the best kind of start - 1400 megatons worth of spam total - and you sure as hell wont stop them now. So lets get going. God willing, we will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health through the purity and essence of our precious Civilization forums. Spammer then hangs up.
Thunderfall, Quintus and the team just stare at each other in shock.
TF: Matrix, when you implemented the officer reliability program, you assured me that there would be no possibility of such lunacy ever occurring!
Matrix: Well, sir I dont think its quite fair to condemn the whole program on account of one minor slip-up.
TF: How is this even possible? I thought I was the only one around here authorized to order the use of our air power against a foreign enemy! Shouldnt I have at least been consulted?!
Matrix: Well, yes, sir, that is technically correct and I hate to make snap judgments before all the facts are in, but it looks as though General Spammer may have exceeded his authority in this matter.
Thunderfall punches Matrix and lays him flat-out on the floor.
TF: Chieftess! Wheres SuperSlug and his counter-insurgency team?
Chieftess: At last report, they had arrived in the colonies via air freight. He said he was going to approach nonconformist and try to gain his confidence. He should be sending back data very soon.
TF: Whats our best information on the rebel forces concentrations?
Chieftess: For all I know, their attention spans are about as good as anybodys.
TF: No, I mean where are they massing?
Chieftess: Oh. Our latest intelligence indicates a major insurgent presence in and around the naval base at Pol Harbor.
TF: Very well. Inform our carrier task force to attack just as soon as they get within range. Its time to put an end to this mess once and for all. What about the amphibious invasion?
Chieftess: They are behind the carrier force, but steaming toward the colonies.
TF: Good. Keep me apprised.
Back in the Colonies, the Congress is in an uproar. Some hesitant members still want to give Thunderfall one last chance, while others tar-and-feather them verbally for their hardheadedness. With every resolution stonewalled due to isolationist sentiment, the Congress can go on like this no more. Someone must rally the people and galvanize popular opinion, one way or the other. At 3:00 PM local time, the President of the Colonial Civ Fanatics, Swissempire, who has remained silent about the issue until now, decides to address the joint session of Congress.
Mr. Speaker, Mr. President pro tempore, members of Congress, and fellow Civvers:
In the normal course of events, presidents come to this chamber to report on the state of the Fanatics. Today, no such report is needed. It has already been delivered by the Civ Fanatic people.
On April the first, enemies of freedom committed an act of war against our country. Civvers have known wars, but for the past 10 years, they have been wars on foreign soil, except for one GOTM in 2002. Civvers have known the pranks of April 1, but not at the center of a great forum on a peaceful morning. Civvers have known surprise attacks, but never before on thousands of posters. All of this was brought upon us in a single day, and now we live in a different world, a world where Civilization itself is under attack.
And right now, the United Civilization Fanatics Colonies make the following demands on Thunderfall:
Deliver to Free Civ Fanatic authorities all the leaders of Apolyton and CivJunction who hide in your palace.
Release all colonial nationals, including CFC citizens you have unjustly imprisoned, and protect foreign modders, diplomats, and posters in your capital.
Close immediately and permanently the new CivJunction capital and website, and hand over every CivJunctionist and rebel Apolytoner, and every person in their support structure, to appropriate authorities.
These demands are not open to negotiation or discussion. Thunderfall must act and act immediately. You will hand over the CivJunctionists, or you will share in their fate.
Either you are with us, or you are with the CivJunctionists. From this day forward, any nation or poster that continues to support CivJunction will be regarded by the United Civvers as hostile.
This is not, however, just CFCs fight. And what is at stake is not just CFCs freedom. This is the worlds fight. This is Civilizations fight. This is the fight of all who believe in progress and pluralism, tolerance and freedom.
Our nation, this generation, will lift a dark threat of violence from our people and our future. We will rally the world to this cause, by our efforts and by our courage. We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail. Peace and Posters will prevail.
There is great applause in the capital as the Congress erupts into cheers and a spontaneous standing ovation. The last few isolationists, shamed by their peers and president, either come over to the side of independence or give up entirely and resign their positions. There is no going back now. It will be done. Its just a matter of when and how.
Spurred on by the independence movement, Gaius Octavius authors a pamphlet, a plea to all loyal Free Civ Fanatics, as they now begin to call themselves, to unite against tyranny. It is distributed throughout the colonies.
THESE are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their beloved Civilization; but he that stands it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives every thing its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as FREEDOM should not be highly rated.
The cause of Civilization is in a great measure the cause of all mankind. Many circumstances hath, and will arise, which are not local, but universal, and through which the principles of all Lovers of Mankind are affected, and in the Event of which, their Affections are interested. We have every opportunity and every encouragement before us, to form the noblest, purest Civilization Empire on the face of the earth. We have it within our power to begin Civilization over again. A situation, similar to the present, hath not happened since the early days of Rhye until now. The birth-day of a new world is at hand, and a race of men perhaps as numerous as all CFC contains, are to receive their portion of freedom from the event of a few months. The Reflection is awful - and in this point of view, how trifling, how ridiculous, do the little, paltry cavellings, of a few weak or interested men appear, when weighed against the business of a world.
The sun never shined on a cause of greater worth. 'Tis not the affair of a city, a country, a province, or a kingdom, but of a continentof at least one eighth part of the habitable globe. 'Tis not the concern of a day, a year, or an age; posterity are virtually involved in the contest, and will be more or less affected, even to the end of time, by the proceedings now. Now is the seed time of union, faith and honor. The least fracture now will be like a name engraved with the point of a pin on the tender rind of a young oak; The wound will enlarge with the tree, and posterity read it in full grown characters.
In short, Independence is the only bond which can tie and keep us together.
Gaius Octavius
Deity
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2006
- Messages
- 4,016
Throughout the colonies, there are mass parades and protests held in support of the Free Civ Fanatics and against Thunderfalls administration. The people start to chant nasty things.
Hell no, we wont go!
Youll have to take CFC from our cold, dead hands!
Stop Apolyton! Stop the Con!
Hey, hey, Civ-J! How many posters did you ban today?
Down with CivJunction! Down with the Junkies!
Up the Fanatics!
Kill Junkie!!!
Back at OT, an open riot breaks out between pro- and anti-Apolyton forces, as members declare their undying support either to CivJunction or to freedom
Cleric: I will die for our cause!
Talkie_Toaster: I'm normally peace-loving, but DIE SCUMBAGS MAKING US PAY FOR GOTM AND GENERALLY BEING BASTARDS.
IglooDude: Civ Free or Die!!!
thomas.berubeg: We will Survive!!!! Long Live The Free CFC!!!
Rossiya: Give me Liberty or give me Death!
Babbler: One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the Apolytonians will soon be here. ...And I for one welcome our new 'poly overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted OT personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others who don't bow down to the new world order.
Bill3000: Hah! UP WITH THE MERGER! LONG LIVE APOLLONIA! LONG LIVE AUDENTIOR AND HER ETERNAL EMPEROR, MING LEONARKOSQ!
Disgustipated: Resistance is futile!
Silver 2039: The time for talk is over. The time for REVOLUTION has begun! I suggest an immediate purge of the Apolytoners currently here with a brutal lynching. We can start with the one above!
Cleric: I'm going to the frontlines, I'll be back with some recon images.
[puts on bandana and plays Highway to Hell]
Gaius Octavius: Warm up the tanks, get the theme from Patton ready
Mise: This speech comes in the hope that it will find the place in your mind where rationality resides and where decency and sanity, coupled with a healthy sense of anger, will trigger appropriate action. Permit me this forum to rant. Yes, you heard me right; Thunderfall has the nerve to call those of us who deal summarily with garrulous vagrants "conspiracy theorists". No, we're "conspiracy revealers" because we reveal that it's time for Thunderfall to get back on the reality bus. Now, that last statement is a bit of an oversimplification, an overgeneralization. But it is nevertheless substantially true. To most people, the idea that Thunderfall's primary motivation is self-enrichment at our expense is so endemic, so long ingrained, that when others conclude that its theories are not normal, this merely seems to be affirming an obvious truth. To cheat on taxes has never been something that I wanted to do. Never.
In the past, men like Thunderfall would have been tarred and feathered and ridden out of town on a rail for trying to feed us a diet of robbery, murder, violence, and all other manner of trials and tribulations. It is deeply unfortunate that there's a distinction to be made here, since if anything, this is not Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia, where the state would be eager to exhibit a deep disdain for all people who are not spleeny, dirty twaddlers. Not yet, at least. But it's possible that Thunderfall doesn't realize this because it has been ingrained with so much of narcissism's propaganda. If that's the case, I recommend that we give the needy a helping hand, as opposed to an elbow in the face. Thunderfall believes that those of us who oppose it would rather run than fight. Sorry, but I have to call foul on that one. Thunderfall drops the names of famous people whenever possible. That makes him sound smarter than he really is and obscures the fact that if a cogent, logical argument entered Thunderfall's brain, no doubt a concussion would result. Listen carefully: Thunderfall uses the word "gastrohysterorrhaphy" without ever having taken the time to look it up in the dictionary. Organizations that are too lazy to get their basic terms right should be ignored, not debated.
Ruffianism and revisionism are not synonymous. In fact, they are so frequently in opposition and so universally irreconcilable that the basal lie that underlies all of Thunderfall's soporific, irritable prank phone calls is that we should abandon the institutionalised and revered concept of democracy. Translation: It's okay if Thunderfall's indiscretions initially cause our quality of life to degrade because "sometime", "someone" will do "something" "somehow" to counteract that trend. I doubt you need any help from me to identify the supreme idiocy of those views, but you should nevertheless be aware that if Thunderfall got its way, it'd be able to pose a threat to the survival of democracy. Brrrr! It sends chills down my spine just thinking about that.
Strictly speaking, if we let Thunderfall supplant one form of injustice with another, then greed, corruption, and pessimism will characterize the government. Oppressive measures will be directed against citizens. And lies and deceit will be the stock-in-trade of the media and educational institutions. Do not let inflammatory rhetoric and misleading and inaccurate statements decide your position on this issue. One of Thunderfall's forces keeps throwing "scientific" studies at me, claiming they prove that Thunderfall is a martyr for freedom and a victim of solecism. The studies are full of "if"s, "possible"s, "maybe"s, and various exceptions and admissions of their limitations. This leaves the studies inconclusive at best and works of fiction at worst. The only thing these studies can possibly prove is that Thunderfall is totally gung-ho about emotionalism because it lacks more pressing soapbox issues. So that there may be no misunderstanding, let me make it clear that the facts as I see them simply do not support the false, but widely accepted, notion that disreputable, abusive liars and cheats are all inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive.
Take this example: Let's say that I get concerned when I see Thunderfall make mountains out of molehills. Now let's say that Thunderfall should slither back under whatever rock it crawled out from. Does that mean that it can scare us by using big words like "mediterraneanisation"? No, because Thunderfall's buddies, who are legion, believe that Thunderfall has the linguistic prowess to produce a masterwork of meritorious literature. Although it is perhaps impossible to change the perspective of those who have such beliefs, I wish nevertheless to force Thunderfall into deserved bankruptcy. It is imperative that all of us in this community break the spell of great expectations that now binds unregenerate buggers to Thunderfall. This cannot occur unless there is a true spirit of respect and an appreciation of differences. Sorry for babbling so much, but Thunderfall wants to rid the world of "defective" people.
[The few OTers that actually understand what Mise said applaud; the rest are summarily baffled and just stand around quietly.]
Xanikk999: I refuse to pay for what used to be free! I will join the underground resistance!
Edungeon: LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD!
aneeshm: Like Arjuna on the Kurukshetra battlefield, the poster must cast aside all doubts, end his attachment to the forums which causes him pain, and fight on! Arise, awake, and stop not till the goal is reached!
Lars_Domus:
FREEEEEEEDOOOM!!
d.highland: I am in full support, resist the merging!
Ball Lightning: I vote that we shouldn't move as no one wants to!!
taillesskangaru: Viva la Resistance!
Zarn: Storm the Bastille!!! I am not apart of any underground movement, because I'm currently above ground.
Fox Mccloud: I don't even have to read it. NEVER merge with anyone! I shall fight for a free, strong and independent Civilization Fanatics center.
Gaius Octavius: CivJunction delenda est! Desperate CFC partisans take to the hills!
Inspired by the overwhelming wave of patriotism, Nylan writes an epic poem dedicated to their newfound freedom:
The New Fanatics
Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from forum to forum;
Here at our spam-washed, red gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows CFC-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged domain that twin sites despise.
"Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your NESers, your mods,
Your huddled OTers yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the FCF door!"
Whilst events are moving rapidly now throughout the colonies, back in their national capital the Congressional Committee of Independence completes the Declaration of Independence and presents it to all the representatives for signing. As the Congress looks over the words and debates the next action, Gaius Octavius speaks to the assembled leaders.
Octavius: Mr. President, I am pleased to present to you, on behalf of the committee, and on behalf of all the United Civilization Fanatics Colonists, our Declaration of Independence. While we have all sought to avoid such a drastic measure, I think each of us knew from the moment we heard the announcement that there was no other alternative. What Thunderfall has done today is a shameful act, a betrayal of his people, his principles, and his Empire. We seek through this document nothing less than the absolute restoration of everything we have held dear thus far. If it is to be war, then so be it; alea iacta est: the die is cast, and there is nothing left to say. To arms!
Equuleus rises to address the Congress.
Equuleus: Today, we are gathered here to address the fundamental issue of human liberty. This is not a trivial matter, and the decision we make is not an easy one; yet it can never be forgotten that we did not seek out this course of our own free will. The events of April 1st were forced upon us, and we act now in the only logical course remaining for rational, civilized men. We did not wish to separate from Thunderfall; I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we do not, and cannot, have anything but admiration for a King who has led his people for so long, and with such great success. Yet we cannot sit idly by as a once-great leader proposes that we should take into our very heartland - into our very bosom - our long-time enemies, a race of civvers we have often regarded as rivals to the true Civilization.
Now, it is also true, as some have correctly pointed out, that on occasion we have worked with Apolyton and even regarded them as friends, and let it be known henceforth that our government wants to hold no hostility, no grudge, toward the Apolytoners; yet we also do not wish to associate with their pathetic civilization, nor do we wish for our own to be changed forevermore by this merger. No, I think I can say without hesitation, that were Thunderfall to have proposed a union with any other of our neighbors - even our good friends at Civilization Center - the answer would still have been a resounding, No!, and citizens would have protested with equal fervor.
Oh, and we really hate his new fees and GOTM taxes, too.
If Octavius and my words have not persuaded you, if you are still convinced to go on with CivJunction after all this, after Thunderfalls tyrannical actions, after skirmishes between our insurgents and the loyalists, after CivJunctions many insults, after Apolytoners have invaded our territory and spammed our citizens, after Thunderfall himself has ordered further military action taken against us well, dang.
The response is overwhelmingly in favor of freedom, and the Congress formally approves Independence.
In Congress, April 1, 2007
The Unanimous Declaration of the Thirteen United Civvers of CFC
When in the Course of Civilizations events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the internet bandwiths which have connected them with another, and to assume among the Powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Civ and of Civs God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all civvers are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Mods, Forums, and the pursuit of Conquest Victory. That to secure these rights, CFC has been instituted among Men, deriving its just powers from the consent of the civvers, That whenever any Forum of CFC becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Fanatics Center, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Centers long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute CivJunk Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such websites, and to provide new Guards for their future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of these Civ Fans; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former System of Forums. The history of the present King of CFC is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute CivJunk Tyranny over these civvers. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has insisted upon an arbitrary merger between the CFC and other Empires, to be named CivJunction.
He has refused his Assent to Scenarios, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Moderators to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of civvers, unless those civvers would relinquish the right of free access to popular CFC features, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records (namely civjunction.com), for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Forums repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the Civvers at large for their exercise; the CFC remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has made civvers dependent on his Will alone, for the future of their free discourse, and the amount and ability of their free access to Mods and Games.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers (Apolytoners) to harass our People, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Moderators without the Consent of our legislature.
He has combined with others from Apolyton to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their acts of pretended legislation:
For quartering large bodies of Apolytoners among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from Punishment for any offenses which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these Forums:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world by means of a tax on the GOTM and HOF:
For imposing these taxes on us without our Consent:
For taking away our Free Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our beloved Civilization Fanatics Center:
For suspending our own Threads, and declaring themselves invested with Power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Administration here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our CFC, ravaged our mods, burnt our towns, and destroyed the posts of our people.
He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a Civilized Civ Site.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Apolyton Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and difficulty levels.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. An Administrator, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a Free People.
Nor have We been wanting in attention to our Apolyton brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and downloads. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of civvers, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the United Civvers of CFC, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Forums, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Civvers are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the CFC Crown, and that all political connection between them and the Civilization Fanatics Empire, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to make posts, create mods, conclude GOTMs, contract HOFs, establish & discuss Civilization, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the Protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Mods, our Avatars, and our sacred Honor.
The first signer, Erik Mesoy, places his rather large and elaborate John Hancock on the document, and wryly comments, Thunderfall can read this without his spectacles.
In all, 133 of the delegates sign the Declaration, including:
=fk=Veteran, Alex the Great, alex994, aman2192, aneeshm, ansar, azzaman333, Ball Lightning, Beorn-eL-Feared, BLubmuz, Captain2, CartesianFart, Catharsis, cegman, Cheezy the Wiz, CIVPhilzilla, civverguy, Cleric, clintscar, colontos, Communisto, ComradeDavo, Contempt, covok48, D'Artagnan59, d.highland, darski, dojoboy, Edungeon, Eli, Elrohir, Equuleus, Erik Mesoy, Fachy, fantasmo, Fetus4188, flaming_iles, flyingchicken, Fox Mccloud, Fr8monkey, G-Force Junkie, Gaius Octavius, Galileo44, garbageinhere, Gogf, greekguy, Guangxi, Head Serf, Hitti-Litti, hs1611, IglooDude, IronMan2055, jalapeno_dude, Janusi, JERFit, jkp1187, Joe Harker, Kodii, Koretsu, Kraznaya, kristopherb, Lars_Domus, LittleBoots, LKendter, Luckymoose, Macmatt, madviking, MarineCorps, MAS, maya-warrior, Merum, mike6426, Miles Teg, Mirc, Mischief, mitsho, MjM, Mr. Dictator, Mureke, Nakhimov, nc-1701, Niklas, nona_mouse, North King, Nylan, Ozbenno, Paddy the Scot, Pentium, Peuri, phoenix_night, PrinceScamp, Ramalhão, Ramius75, RedwallFortress, RedWolf, Reno, Rhymes, Rossiya, SG-17, silver 2039, Slaughter, Slavic Sioux, Sophie 378, Starkow, Stevenpfo, Stylesjl, SuperBeaverInc., Suppersalmon, Swissempire, Symphony D., taillesskangaru, Talkie_Toaster, Tank_Guy#3, Technocactus, The Major, thenooblet22, thomas.berubeg, Thrallia, Thrar, Till, Tonifranz, tonyf12, trader/warrior, Trajan12, vbraun, Vidar, vikingruler, Ville, Vind2, Whitefire, Whomp, Xanikk999, Zarn
They do not take this matter lightly. They know that by affixing their names to a revolutionary document such as this, they are irrevocably choosing their destiny. If the war with Thunderfall concludes in favor of the loyalists, they will surely be labeled traitors and will not be able to return to their old lives; if it ends with liberty for the new Fanatics, their lives will have been fundamentally transformed and taken turn for the better, a turn unequaled in the great history of Civilizations freedoms. It is all up to them now; there is no going back. Whatever happens next will result from their strength and unity, determination and leadership, and their direction and initiative or lack thereof
To be continued
Hell no, we wont go!
Youll have to take CFC from our cold, dead hands!
Stop Apolyton! Stop the Con!
Hey, hey, Civ-J! How many posters did you ban today?
Down with CivJunction! Down with the Junkies!
Up the Fanatics!
Kill Junkie!!!
Back at OT, an open riot breaks out between pro- and anti-Apolyton forces, as members declare their undying support either to CivJunction or to freedom
Cleric: I will die for our cause!
Talkie_Toaster: I'm normally peace-loving, but DIE SCUMBAGS MAKING US PAY FOR GOTM AND GENERALLY BEING BASTARDS.
IglooDude: Civ Free or Die!!!
thomas.berubeg: We will Survive!!!! Long Live The Free CFC!!!
Rossiya: Give me Liberty or give me Death!
Babbler: One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the Apolytonians will soon be here. ...And I for one welcome our new 'poly overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted OT personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others who don't bow down to the new world order.
Bill3000: Hah! UP WITH THE MERGER! LONG LIVE APOLLONIA! LONG LIVE AUDENTIOR AND HER ETERNAL EMPEROR, MING LEONARKOSQ!
Disgustipated: Resistance is futile!
Silver 2039: The time for talk is over. The time for REVOLUTION has begun! I suggest an immediate purge of the Apolytoners currently here with a brutal lynching. We can start with the one above!
Cleric: I'm going to the frontlines, I'll be back with some recon images.
[puts on bandana and plays Highway to Hell]
Gaius Octavius: Warm up the tanks, get the theme from Patton ready
Mise: This speech comes in the hope that it will find the place in your mind where rationality resides and where decency and sanity, coupled with a healthy sense of anger, will trigger appropriate action. Permit me this forum to rant. Yes, you heard me right; Thunderfall has the nerve to call those of us who deal summarily with garrulous vagrants "conspiracy theorists". No, we're "conspiracy revealers" because we reveal that it's time for Thunderfall to get back on the reality bus. Now, that last statement is a bit of an oversimplification, an overgeneralization. But it is nevertheless substantially true. To most people, the idea that Thunderfall's primary motivation is self-enrichment at our expense is so endemic, so long ingrained, that when others conclude that its theories are not normal, this merely seems to be affirming an obvious truth. To cheat on taxes has never been something that I wanted to do. Never.
In the past, men like Thunderfall would have been tarred and feathered and ridden out of town on a rail for trying to feed us a diet of robbery, murder, violence, and all other manner of trials and tribulations. It is deeply unfortunate that there's a distinction to be made here, since if anything, this is not Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia, where the state would be eager to exhibit a deep disdain for all people who are not spleeny, dirty twaddlers. Not yet, at least. But it's possible that Thunderfall doesn't realize this because it has been ingrained with so much of narcissism's propaganda. If that's the case, I recommend that we give the needy a helping hand, as opposed to an elbow in the face. Thunderfall believes that those of us who oppose it would rather run than fight. Sorry, but I have to call foul on that one. Thunderfall drops the names of famous people whenever possible. That makes him sound smarter than he really is and obscures the fact that if a cogent, logical argument entered Thunderfall's brain, no doubt a concussion would result. Listen carefully: Thunderfall uses the word "gastrohysterorrhaphy" without ever having taken the time to look it up in the dictionary. Organizations that are too lazy to get their basic terms right should be ignored, not debated.
Ruffianism and revisionism are not synonymous. In fact, they are so frequently in opposition and so universally irreconcilable that the basal lie that underlies all of Thunderfall's soporific, irritable prank phone calls is that we should abandon the institutionalised and revered concept of democracy. Translation: It's okay if Thunderfall's indiscretions initially cause our quality of life to degrade because "sometime", "someone" will do "something" "somehow" to counteract that trend. I doubt you need any help from me to identify the supreme idiocy of those views, but you should nevertheless be aware that if Thunderfall got its way, it'd be able to pose a threat to the survival of democracy. Brrrr! It sends chills down my spine just thinking about that.
Strictly speaking, if we let Thunderfall supplant one form of injustice with another, then greed, corruption, and pessimism will characterize the government. Oppressive measures will be directed against citizens. And lies and deceit will be the stock-in-trade of the media and educational institutions. Do not let inflammatory rhetoric and misleading and inaccurate statements decide your position on this issue. One of Thunderfall's forces keeps throwing "scientific" studies at me, claiming they prove that Thunderfall is a martyr for freedom and a victim of solecism. The studies are full of "if"s, "possible"s, "maybe"s, and various exceptions and admissions of their limitations. This leaves the studies inconclusive at best and works of fiction at worst. The only thing these studies can possibly prove is that Thunderfall is totally gung-ho about emotionalism because it lacks more pressing soapbox issues. So that there may be no misunderstanding, let me make it clear that the facts as I see them simply do not support the false, but widely accepted, notion that disreputable, abusive liars and cheats are all inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive.
Take this example: Let's say that I get concerned when I see Thunderfall make mountains out of molehills. Now let's say that Thunderfall should slither back under whatever rock it crawled out from. Does that mean that it can scare us by using big words like "mediterraneanisation"? No, because Thunderfall's buddies, who are legion, believe that Thunderfall has the linguistic prowess to produce a masterwork of meritorious literature. Although it is perhaps impossible to change the perspective of those who have such beliefs, I wish nevertheless to force Thunderfall into deserved bankruptcy. It is imperative that all of us in this community break the spell of great expectations that now binds unregenerate buggers to Thunderfall. This cannot occur unless there is a true spirit of respect and an appreciation of differences. Sorry for babbling so much, but Thunderfall wants to rid the world of "defective" people.
[The few OTers that actually understand what Mise said applaud; the rest are summarily baffled and just stand around quietly.]
Xanikk999: I refuse to pay for what used to be free! I will join the underground resistance!
Edungeon: LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD!
aneeshm: Like Arjuna on the Kurukshetra battlefield, the poster must cast aside all doubts, end his attachment to the forums which causes him pain, and fight on! Arise, awake, and stop not till the goal is reached!
Lars_Domus:
FREEEEEEEDOOOM!!
d.highland: I am in full support, resist the merging!
Ball Lightning: I vote that we shouldn't move as no one wants to!!
taillesskangaru: Viva la Resistance!
Zarn: Storm the Bastille!!! I am not apart of any underground movement, because I'm currently above ground.
Fox Mccloud: I don't even have to read it. NEVER merge with anyone! I shall fight for a free, strong and independent Civilization Fanatics center.
Gaius Octavius: CivJunction delenda est! Desperate CFC partisans take to the hills!
Inspired by the overwhelming wave of patriotism, Nylan writes an epic poem dedicated to their newfound freedom:
The New Fanatics
Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from forum to forum;
Here at our spam-washed, red gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows CFC-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged domain that twin sites despise.
"Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your NESers, your mods,
Your huddled OTers yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the FCF door!"
Whilst events are moving rapidly now throughout the colonies, back in their national capital the Congressional Committee of Independence completes the Declaration of Independence and presents it to all the representatives for signing. As the Congress looks over the words and debates the next action, Gaius Octavius speaks to the assembled leaders.
Octavius: Mr. President, I am pleased to present to you, on behalf of the committee, and on behalf of all the United Civilization Fanatics Colonists, our Declaration of Independence. While we have all sought to avoid such a drastic measure, I think each of us knew from the moment we heard the announcement that there was no other alternative. What Thunderfall has done today is a shameful act, a betrayal of his people, his principles, and his Empire. We seek through this document nothing less than the absolute restoration of everything we have held dear thus far. If it is to be war, then so be it; alea iacta est: the die is cast, and there is nothing left to say. To arms!
Equuleus rises to address the Congress.
Equuleus: Today, we are gathered here to address the fundamental issue of human liberty. This is not a trivial matter, and the decision we make is not an easy one; yet it can never be forgotten that we did not seek out this course of our own free will. The events of April 1st were forced upon us, and we act now in the only logical course remaining for rational, civilized men. We did not wish to separate from Thunderfall; I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we do not, and cannot, have anything but admiration for a King who has led his people for so long, and with such great success. Yet we cannot sit idly by as a once-great leader proposes that we should take into our very heartland - into our very bosom - our long-time enemies, a race of civvers we have often regarded as rivals to the true Civilization.
Now, it is also true, as some have correctly pointed out, that on occasion we have worked with Apolyton and even regarded them as friends, and let it be known henceforth that our government wants to hold no hostility, no grudge, toward the Apolytoners; yet we also do not wish to associate with their pathetic civilization, nor do we wish for our own to be changed forevermore by this merger. No, I think I can say without hesitation, that were Thunderfall to have proposed a union with any other of our neighbors - even our good friends at Civilization Center - the answer would still have been a resounding, No!, and citizens would have protested with equal fervor.
Oh, and we really hate his new fees and GOTM taxes, too.
If Octavius and my words have not persuaded you, if you are still convinced to go on with CivJunction after all this, after Thunderfalls tyrannical actions, after skirmishes between our insurgents and the loyalists, after CivJunctions many insults, after Apolytoners have invaded our territory and spammed our citizens, after Thunderfall himself has ordered further military action taken against us well, dang.
The response is overwhelmingly in favor of freedom, and the Congress formally approves Independence.
In Congress, April 1, 2007
The Unanimous Declaration of the Thirteen United Civvers of CFC
When in the Course of Civilizations events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the internet bandwiths which have connected them with another, and to assume among the Powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Civ and of Civs God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all civvers are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Mods, Forums, and the pursuit of Conquest Victory. That to secure these rights, CFC has been instituted among Men, deriving its just powers from the consent of the civvers, That whenever any Forum of CFC becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Fanatics Center, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Centers long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute CivJunk Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such websites, and to provide new Guards for their future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of these Civ Fans; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former System of Forums. The history of the present King of CFC is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute CivJunk Tyranny over these civvers. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has insisted upon an arbitrary merger between the CFC and other Empires, to be named CivJunction.
He has refused his Assent to Scenarios, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Moderators to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of civvers, unless those civvers would relinquish the right of free access to popular CFC features, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records (namely civjunction.com), for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Forums repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the Civvers at large for their exercise; the CFC remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has made civvers dependent on his Will alone, for the future of their free discourse, and the amount and ability of their free access to Mods and Games.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers (Apolytoners) to harass our People, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Moderators without the Consent of our legislature.
He has combined with others from Apolyton to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their acts of pretended legislation:
For quartering large bodies of Apolytoners among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from Punishment for any offenses which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these Forums:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world by means of a tax on the GOTM and HOF:
For imposing these taxes on us without our Consent:
For taking away our Free Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our beloved Civilization Fanatics Center:
For suspending our own Threads, and declaring themselves invested with Power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Administration here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our CFC, ravaged our mods, burnt our towns, and destroyed the posts of our people.
He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a Civilized Civ Site.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Apolyton Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and difficulty levels.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. An Administrator, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a Free People.
Nor have We been wanting in attention to our Apolyton brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and downloads. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of civvers, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the United Civvers of CFC, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Forums, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Civvers are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the CFC Crown, and that all political connection between them and the Civilization Fanatics Empire, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to make posts, create mods, conclude GOTMs, contract HOFs, establish & discuss Civilization, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the Protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Mods, our Avatars, and our sacred Honor.
The first signer, Erik Mesoy, places his rather large and elaborate John Hancock on the document, and wryly comments, Thunderfall can read this without his spectacles.
In all, 133 of the delegates sign the Declaration, including:
=fk=Veteran, Alex the Great, alex994, aman2192, aneeshm, ansar, azzaman333, Ball Lightning, Beorn-eL-Feared, BLubmuz, Captain2, CartesianFart, Catharsis, cegman, Cheezy the Wiz, CIVPhilzilla, civverguy, Cleric, clintscar, colontos, Communisto, ComradeDavo, Contempt, covok48, D'Artagnan59, d.highland, darski, dojoboy, Edungeon, Eli, Elrohir, Equuleus, Erik Mesoy, Fachy, fantasmo, Fetus4188, flaming_iles, flyingchicken, Fox Mccloud, Fr8monkey, G-Force Junkie, Gaius Octavius, Galileo44, garbageinhere, Gogf, greekguy, Guangxi, Head Serf, Hitti-Litti, hs1611, IglooDude, IronMan2055, jalapeno_dude, Janusi, JERFit, jkp1187, Joe Harker, Kodii, Koretsu, Kraznaya, kristopherb, Lars_Domus, LittleBoots, LKendter, Luckymoose, Macmatt, madviking, MarineCorps, MAS, maya-warrior, Merum, mike6426, Miles Teg, Mirc, Mischief, mitsho, MjM, Mr. Dictator, Mureke, Nakhimov, nc-1701, Niklas, nona_mouse, North King, Nylan, Ozbenno, Paddy the Scot, Pentium, Peuri, phoenix_night, PrinceScamp, Ramalhão, Ramius75, RedwallFortress, RedWolf, Reno, Rhymes, Rossiya, SG-17, silver 2039, Slaughter, Slavic Sioux, Sophie 378, Starkow, Stevenpfo, Stylesjl, SuperBeaverInc., Suppersalmon, Swissempire, Symphony D., taillesskangaru, Talkie_Toaster, Tank_Guy#3, Technocactus, The Major, thenooblet22, thomas.berubeg, Thrallia, Thrar, Till, Tonifranz, tonyf12, trader/warrior, Trajan12, vbraun, Vidar, vikingruler, Ville, Vind2, Whitefire, Whomp, Xanikk999, Zarn
They do not take this matter lightly. They know that by affixing their names to a revolutionary document such as this, they are irrevocably choosing their destiny. If the war with Thunderfall concludes in favor of the loyalists, they will surely be labeled traitors and will not be able to return to their old lives; if it ends with liberty for the new Fanatics, their lives will have been fundamentally transformed and taken turn for the better, a turn unequaled in the great history of Civilizations freedoms. It is all up to them now; there is no going back. Whatever happens next will result from their strength and unity, determination and leadership, and their direction and initiative or lack thereof
To be continued
Gaius Octavius
Deity
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2006
- Messages
- 4,016
PART IV
A Sudden and Deliberate Attack
.jpg/180px-ToraToraTora(1).jpg)
Dawn breaks over the island-base of Pol Harbor, overseas from the Colonial CFCers. It is only now April 1, 2007, due to the time zone difference, and the inhabitants have just learned of the CivJunction treachery. But a new surprise awaits them as Thunderfalls naval fleet draws nearer every moment, waiting to spring a trap upon the unsuspecting forces stationed there.
The island is now under the complete control of nonconformist and his insurgents, who relocated here posthaste after their stunning victory at OT. It is a calm, clear morning, full of anticipation and much planning. As we rejoin our intrepid crusaders, they are in the process of making plans for a new attack on the combined CFC/Apolyton/CivJunction might
nonconformist: Now, gentlemen, if youll direct your attention to this rather large map I have in front, youll see that our forces are strategically placed all around the colonies and in the Pacific area. Meanwhile, Thunderfalls troops are in total disarray, retreating to the wooded steppes of the north. There is no point in hitting them there, for now, because they and we alike have insufficient manpower for a full-scale assault. What I suggest, then, is that we concentrate on harassing the enemies - try to drive a wedge between Thunderfall and his Apolytonist allies. If we can do this, we may be able to trigger a revolution from within that will utterly cripple the CivJunction Empire and bring this war to an end before it starts.
Cleric, via teleconference: A very good idea. Im told by our friends in the air force that an attack has been launched on Apolyton itself by General Spammer. Also, our allies at the Peoples Liberation Front are busy organizing more resistance in case Thunderfall does something stupid. What do we do now with our naval fleet?
nonconformist: At the moment, I suggest we wait for further developments. We have eight battleships plus several cruisers and destroyers available in port now, and two carriers out to sea on maneuvers. When night falls, we should send out our patrols to look for submarines. In the meantime, I have ordered supreme command of the naval base put in the hands of Admiral Pummel. Admiral?
Pummel rises and speaks to the insurgents. He is a rather large, lumbering man, somewhat clumsy, but presumed to be quite capable.
Thank you, sir. Since there is no enemy activity in our area, I have put our base on special alert for possible sabotage. This is, after all, a notorious Apolytoner hangout, and we have every reason to expect they might try something before days end. Our planes are being tightly guarded in columns, and our ships are secured in the port. Rest assured, nothings going to get through while Im in charge
Back in the colonies, SuperSlug and his spies arrive at Liberation Headquarters
Slug lambastes Thunderfall publicly in front of the insurgents and proclaims his eternal loyalty to the cause of liberty. Being a high-ranking official, he is immediately recognized as a valuable resource, someone who could potentially make-or-break the war effort. nonconformist is contacted at Pol Harbor and put in touch with him.
nonconformist: So, I hear you and a bunch of mods have decided to join us, Slug! An excellent idea! Im sure with your help, we will force this merger to a quick termination.
SuperSlug: Indeed. I have valuable information on Thunderfalls plan of action in the next 24 hours, and Id be happy to share it with you
SuperSlug proceeds to tell nonconformist a vat of lies, including that TF is launching a diversionary attack in the northwest, when the real continental invasion will come from the east. He is so skillful in his delivery that nonconformist is completely taken in.
nonconformist: Very well. Ill put you in touch with the other leader, RedwallFortress, who is managing the home front. Since youve been so cooperative, Slug, I think I shall give you a command of your own. How does West Point sound?
Slug smiles mischievously as he ponders what he might do with an entire fortress under his control.
The Congress, whilst all this is transpiring, is busy trying to organize the various revolutionist sects. Up until now there have been three main power players operating within CFC: the insurgency, under nonconformist, which is staunchly anti-Apolyton; the CFC Popular Liberation Front, a semi-separatist, semi-loyalist group made up of insurgents and regular army troops that defected from Thunderfall, under the command of RedwallFortress; and the United Civvers - the main independence movement - as represented by the Congress and President, with leadership under the guises of Swissempire, Octavius, Equuleus and the like. Each of these is in a locked alliance with the other, yet acting separately. The Congress now seeks to unify everyone into a grand force, tentatively called the superforce, or more simply the Free Civilization Fanatics.
As part of the unification, a new military branch, the Civ Continental Army, is formed. Each branch, however, will still have some degree of freedom; nonconformist has his guerrilla tactics and controls much of the western fleet; RedwallFortress manages the homeland guard, which even has sympathizers in Thunderfalls other lands; and the new Continental Army will supervise all battles both within and without.
To lead the Continental troops, the Congress holds a hearing to select the most talented, best equipped general for the job. Talkie_Toasters name is dropped. After it is picked up out of the garbage pail, the committee approves it.
Swissempire: After much personal wrangling and eighteen cups of coffee, the committee has decided to appoint Talkie_Toaster as the commander of our new army. Talkie_Toaster?
Talkie_Toaster: My blood boils!
Swissempire: Uh, yes, thats very nice. Do you have anything to say on this auspicious occasion?
TT: Now I want you to remember that no civver EVER won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor, dumb civver die for his country. Men all this stuff youve heard about us not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war is a lot of horse dung. Civvers, traditionally, LOVE to fight. All real Civvers love the sting of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion HOFer, big-league GOTMer, the faster conquest victor, the toughest Praetorian. Civvers play to win all the time - I wouldnt give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. Thats why Civvers have never lost, and will never lose a war. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Civvers.
Now, theres another thing I want you to remember I dont want to get any messages saying were holding our position. Let Thunderfall do that. We are advancing constantly, and were not interested in holding on to anything except THE ENEMY! Were going to hold onto him by the nose, and were gonna kick him in the apse! Were going to kick the hell out of him all the time, and were gonna go through him like Praets through a goose!
Now, theres one thing you men will be able to say and you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now, when youre sitting around your fireside, with your grandson on your knee, and he asks you, What did YOU do in the great CivJunction Merger? you wont have to say, Well I shoveled spam in Louisiana.
All right now, you sons of liberty, you know how I feel I would be proud to lead you wonderful nuts into battle anytime, anywhere just as soon as I get back from my six-week working vacation.
In the skies above the ocean, Maj. Khans B-52 and the rest of the strike force fly toward their intended targets.
Khan: Radio-time check. The time is now 0-4-7 Alpha-Zulu.
Navigator: Sir? What exactly does that mean?
Khan: Danged if I know, kid, but thats what we have to say every half hour. Everybody got their copy of wing attack s? All right, lets open em up.
Wing attack plan s calls for the deployment of massive amounts of spam over the Polys main fora, including the dropping of the atomic spam bomb.
This is your attack profile. Primary target will be Laputa, 100 miles inside the Polys radar screen. 50 megaton atam bomb will be used at 6,000 feet. Upon successful completion, we will continue to the secondary target: the Hitpond waterworks outside Apolytons capital. Traditional spam bombs will be dropped this time; in the event the atam bomb fails on the first run, spam will be dropped then instead.
Navigator to Captain! Sir, theres an incoming bogey at twelve oclock!!!
Well, SHOOT! Identify that inbound for me, Slick.
Sir, it appears to be a sub-launched VAPOR (Very Annoying Partially Organic Rocket)! Its tracking straight for us!
Take evasive action!
[The bulky B-52 swings from side to side, knocking the insides around. Lt. Sparks falls off the port-a-potty in the back.]
Missile still on target! Range: 30 miles!
Deploy them magnetic scramblers, Slick!
Missile deflecting! Range: 15 miles . Missile still deflecting! Range: 5 miles! Missile detonated-- !!
[BANG!]
Khan and crew barely manage to avoid the rocket by confusing its navigation with anti-missile defense systems, but the detonation occurs sufficiently close to jolt the plane. While everyone tries to put out the fires and assess the damage, the B-52 resumes on course for Apolyton rather shakily
Smoke from firebombs which set ablaze a nearby theater drifts over TFs palace as several violent protestors are rounded up and sent to the quarries. The administration is desperately trying to quell the resistance, but with a foreign revolution, a new insurgency developing in the loyalist lands, and Spammers attack wing rapidly approaching Apolyton, things are looking bad for CivJunction.
Chieftess: Thunderfall, cant you do something about all this dust and soot? This is really bad for my allergies.
TF: Ive already had Matrix run out and arrest the 400 treasonous pigs who set the fire; what more do you want me to do?
Youve got to do something to make the people happy - get them to think that this merger is a good idea, and they will turn away from the rebels.
Wonderful, Chieftess. Now how exactly do I do that?
You could try handing out free beer.
Yeah, thats exactly what we need Chieftess, Heineken Bombers - a bunch of drunken insurgents armed with sharp metal objects running around naked and setting fire to burlesque theaters I have a better idea: well hold a We Love the King Day!
Um, TF, you cant do that yourself. Only the people can if they are happy enough.
Silence! I am Thunderfall, Emperor of CFC, Wonder of the World. I can do anything!
[RING!]
Thunderfall answers the hotline phone. Yello! Thunderfall the Vi-King here! Ah ha ha ha! Little pun. Oh, its you, DanQ! Hows life treating ya ? Oh, I see, well, perhaps its best not to discuss that.
DanQ: Listen, I have an idea. Now I know that this was all a joke, but were losing control over everything FAST; there are even people in my own country who are coming out against the merger now. I just had to send two clowns to Siberia for trying to subvert the Directory. I think we should seriously consider joining forces, for now, to quash this uprising.
TF: Unfortunately, I think youre right. Our two militaries can coordinate their strategy via LAN. I also have several large expeditionary forces ready to hit the rebels, and we have a new supercomputer coming online that can launch a cyber attack on their internet sites.
DanQ: Great. Ill get in touch with my staff, and well grant you full a right-of-passage and an alliance against the colonial rebels.
TF: We affirm this alliance of cooperation, friendship, and mutual defense between the people of CFC and Apolyton. So let it be written; so let it be done. We can set up shop in that fake CivJunction capital we built. The buildings are already there - all we have to do is move in.
DanQ: Excellent idea. Now lets get everything together and smash these barbarians once and for all!
TF: Heres what I was thinking
Back at Pol Harbor, everything is quiet. The war in many ways seems remote, detached, like a mere story almost until
Thunderfalls carrier force gets within range just after dawn at Pol Harbor. Their orders are simple: attack and cripple the revolutionist fleet and air forces stationed there, sparing nothing and no one if possible. This will ensure complete sea and air supremacy for the loyalist CFCers, giving TF full power to wage war in the Pacific as he sees fit. A devastating blow like this could collapse the insurgency, bringing the newly free Civ Fanatics to their knees before the tyrannical might of CivJunction.
At 7:00 AM local time, the fighters take off, headed for destiny. At the base, Admiral Pummel and crew are relaxed, overconfident in their management and preventative measures.
Within the hours end, the fighters are in sight of the harbor. There is no flak in the air; no opposing planes; no gunfire. The surprise attack is a complete success. The ships below are neatly moored together, almost as if they had been readied for the bombers. At 7:53 AM, the attack begins. It is war.
The Free Civ Fanatic fleet is badly mauled, with 7 of the 8 battleships sunk or otherwise put out of commission for the foreseeable future; additionally, several cruisers are torpedoed and a supply ship is bombed. The attack badly damages several nearby air hangars, ruins an entire wing of fighters still on the ground, knocks Swissempires picture off the wall and everything!
Concurrent with the air strike, Thunderfall and DanQs CivJunk forces lay siege to many outposts around the world, including CFCs NES center and even Apolytons own University, which held several notable Apolytoner anti-mergerists. Other bases and radio stations are bombed; on-line refuges are attacked; amphibious forces take control of key islands and re-supply depots in the ocean, and there is full-blown confusion everywhere. On one island, Civ Fanatic Marines manage to hold out for awhile using pickaxes, shovels, and spam-bam marauder missiles, but it is no use. The combined CivJunction/CFC/Apolyton forces devastate the defenders.
Some time later, back in the capital, Swissempire and his administration get word of the attack. The public is shocked and furious at Thunderfalls treachery, and revenge is in the air.
Amidst the spirit of determination and patriotism, Swissempire meets with an emergency joint-session of Congress:
Yesterday, April 1, 2007 - a date which will live in infamy - the loyal Civvers of CFC were suddenly and deliberately attacked by the text and cyber forces of the Empire of CivJunction.
The Civvers were at peace with that administration, and, at the solicitation of Thunderfall, were still in conversation with his government and moderators looking toward the maintenance of peace.
It will be recorded that the synchronization of the press releases and the amount of work put into CivJunction makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the former Thunderfall Government has deliberately sought to deceive the CivFanatic's Civvers by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.
The attack yesterday on the Off-Topic and NESing Forum has caused severe damage to Civvers mental stability. I regret to tell you that very many Civver lives have been turned upside-down.
Yesterday the "CivJunction" Administration also launched an attack against GOTM. Last night Admin forces attacked the Hall of Fame. Last night Admin forces attacked the University. Last night Admin forces attacked the Apolyton Directory. Last night the Admins attacked the CivGroups.
"CivJunction" has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Civilization Fan Community area. The facts of yesterday speak for themselves. The Civvers of CFC have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our forums.
As Commander-in-Chief of the Leprechaun Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.
Always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us. No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the fanatical Civvers in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.
I believe I interpret the will of the NESers and of the Civvers when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never endanger us again.
Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our posts, our threads, and our forums are in grave danger.
With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounded determination of our Civvers - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us Sid!
I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Thunderfall on Sunday, April 1st, 2007, A STATE OF WAR has existed between the Free CFC and the CivJunction Empire.
There is great shouting and applause in the capital. The people band together around the wars new catchphrase:
Lets remember Pol Harbor
As we go to meet the foe!
Lets remember Pol Harbor
As we did the Alamo!
We will always remember
How they died for liberty!
Lets remember Pol Harbor!
And go on to Victory!
To be continued
A Sudden and Deliberate Attack
Dawn breaks over the island-base of Pol Harbor, overseas from the Colonial CFCers. It is only now April 1, 2007, due to the time zone difference, and the inhabitants have just learned of the CivJunction treachery. But a new surprise awaits them as Thunderfalls naval fleet draws nearer every moment, waiting to spring a trap upon the unsuspecting forces stationed there.
The island is now under the complete control of nonconformist and his insurgents, who relocated here posthaste after their stunning victory at OT. It is a calm, clear morning, full of anticipation and much planning. As we rejoin our intrepid crusaders, they are in the process of making plans for a new attack on the combined CFC/Apolyton/CivJunction might
nonconformist: Now, gentlemen, if youll direct your attention to this rather large map I have in front, youll see that our forces are strategically placed all around the colonies and in the Pacific area. Meanwhile, Thunderfalls troops are in total disarray, retreating to the wooded steppes of the north. There is no point in hitting them there, for now, because they and we alike have insufficient manpower for a full-scale assault. What I suggest, then, is that we concentrate on harassing the enemies - try to drive a wedge between Thunderfall and his Apolytonist allies. If we can do this, we may be able to trigger a revolution from within that will utterly cripple the CivJunction Empire and bring this war to an end before it starts.
Cleric, via teleconference: A very good idea. Im told by our friends in the air force that an attack has been launched on Apolyton itself by General Spammer. Also, our allies at the Peoples Liberation Front are busy organizing more resistance in case Thunderfall does something stupid. What do we do now with our naval fleet?
nonconformist: At the moment, I suggest we wait for further developments. We have eight battleships plus several cruisers and destroyers available in port now, and two carriers out to sea on maneuvers. When night falls, we should send out our patrols to look for submarines. In the meantime, I have ordered supreme command of the naval base put in the hands of Admiral Pummel. Admiral?
Pummel rises and speaks to the insurgents. He is a rather large, lumbering man, somewhat clumsy, but presumed to be quite capable.
Thank you, sir. Since there is no enemy activity in our area, I have put our base on special alert for possible sabotage. This is, after all, a notorious Apolytoner hangout, and we have every reason to expect they might try something before days end. Our planes are being tightly guarded in columns, and our ships are secured in the port. Rest assured, nothings going to get through while Im in charge
Back in the colonies, SuperSlug and his spies arrive at Liberation Headquarters
Spoiler :
Slug lambastes Thunderfall publicly in front of the insurgents and proclaims his eternal loyalty to the cause of liberty. Being a high-ranking official, he is immediately recognized as a valuable resource, someone who could potentially make-or-break the war effort. nonconformist is contacted at Pol Harbor and put in touch with him.
nonconformist: So, I hear you and a bunch of mods have decided to join us, Slug! An excellent idea! Im sure with your help, we will force this merger to a quick termination.
SuperSlug: Indeed. I have valuable information on Thunderfalls plan of action in the next 24 hours, and Id be happy to share it with you
SuperSlug proceeds to tell nonconformist a vat of lies, including that TF is launching a diversionary attack in the northwest, when the real continental invasion will come from the east. He is so skillful in his delivery that nonconformist is completely taken in.
nonconformist: Very well. Ill put you in touch with the other leader, RedwallFortress, who is managing the home front. Since youve been so cooperative, Slug, I think I shall give you a command of your own. How does West Point sound?
Slug smiles mischievously as he ponders what he might do with an entire fortress under his control.
The Congress, whilst all this is transpiring, is busy trying to organize the various revolutionist sects. Up until now there have been three main power players operating within CFC: the insurgency, under nonconformist, which is staunchly anti-Apolyton; the CFC Popular Liberation Front, a semi-separatist, semi-loyalist group made up of insurgents and regular army troops that defected from Thunderfall, under the command of RedwallFortress; and the United Civvers - the main independence movement - as represented by the Congress and President, with leadership under the guises of Swissempire, Octavius, Equuleus and the like. Each of these is in a locked alliance with the other, yet acting separately. The Congress now seeks to unify everyone into a grand force, tentatively called the superforce, or more simply the Free Civilization Fanatics.
As part of the unification, a new military branch, the Civ Continental Army, is formed. Each branch, however, will still have some degree of freedom; nonconformist has his guerrilla tactics and controls much of the western fleet; RedwallFortress manages the homeland guard, which even has sympathizers in Thunderfalls other lands; and the new Continental Army will supervise all battles both within and without.
To lead the Continental troops, the Congress holds a hearing to select the most talented, best equipped general for the job. Talkie_Toasters name is dropped. After it is picked up out of the garbage pail, the committee approves it.
Swissempire: After much personal wrangling and eighteen cups of coffee, the committee has decided to appoint Talkie_Toaster as the commander of our new army. Talkie_Toaster?
Talkie_Toaster: My blood boils!
Swissempire: Uh, yes, thats very nice. Do you have anything to say on this auspicious occasion?
TT: Now I want you to remember that no civver EVER won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor, dumb civver die for his country. Men all this stuff youve heard about us not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war is a lot of horse dung. Civvers, traditionally, LOVE to fight. All real Civvers love the sting of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion HOFer, big-league GOTMer, the faster conquest victor, the toughest Praetorian. Civvers play to win all the time - I wouldnt give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. Thats why Civvers have never lost, and will never lose a war. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Civvers.
Now, theres another thing I want you to remember I dont want to get any messages saying were holding our position. Let Thunderfall do that. We are advancing constantly, and were not interested in holding on to anything except THE ENEMY! Were going to hold onto him by the nose, and were gonna kick him in the apse! Were going to kick the hell out of him all the time, and were gonna go through him like Praets through a goose!
Now, theres one thing you men will be able to say and you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now, when youre sitting around your fireside, with your grandson on your knee, and he asks you, What did YOU do in the great CivJunction Merger? you wont have to say, Well I shoveled spam in Louisiana.
All right now, you sons of liberty, you know how I feel I would be proud to lead you wonderful nuts into battle anytime, anywhere just as soon as I get back from my six-week working vacation.
In the skies above the ocean, Maj. Khans B-52 and the rest of the strike force fly toward their intended targets.
Khan: Radio-time check. The time is now 0-4-7 Alpha-Zulu.
Navigator: Sir? What exactly does that mean?
Khan: Danged if I know, kid, but thats what we have to say every half hour. Everybody got their copy of wing attack s? All right, lets open em up.
Wing attack plan s calls for the deployment of massive amounts of spam over the Polys main fora, including the dropping of the atomic spam bomb.
This is your attack profile. Primary target will be Laputa, 100 miles inside the Polys radar screen. 50 megaton atam bomb will be used at 6,000 feet. Upon successful completion, we will continue to the secondary target: the Hitpond waterworks outside Apolytons capital. Traditional spam bombs will be dropped this time; in the event the atam bomb fails on the first run, spam will be dropped then instead.
Navigator to Captain! Sir, theres an incoming bogey at twelve oclock!!!
Spoiler :
Well, SHOOT! Identify that inbound for me, Slick.
Sir, it appears to be a sub-launched VAPOR (Very Annoying Partially Organic Rocket)! Its tracking straight for us!
Take evasive action!
[The bulky B-52 swings from side to side, knocking the insides around. Lt. Sparks falls off the port-a-potty in the back.]
Missile still on target! Range: 30 miles!
Deploy them magnetic scramblers, Slick!
Missile deflecting! Range: 15 miles . Missile still deflecting! Range: 5 miles! Missile detonated-- !!
[BANG!]
Khan and crew barely manage to avoid the rocket by confusing its navigation with anti-missile defense systems, but the detonation occurs sufficiently close to jolt the plane. While everyone tries to put out the fires and assess the damage, the B-52 resumes on course for Apolyton rather shakily
Smoke from firebombs which set ablaze a nearby theater drifts over TFs palace as several violent protestors are rounded up and sent to the quarries. The administration is desperately trying to quell the resistance, but with a foreign revolution, a new insurgency developing in the loyalist lands, and Spammers attack wing rapidly approaching Apolyton, things are looking bad for CivJunction.
Chieftess: Thunderfall, cant you do something about all this dust and soot? This is really bad for my allergies.
TF: Ive already had Matrix run out and arrest the 400 treasonous pigs who set the fire; what more do you want me to do?
Youve got to do something to make the people happy - get them to think that this merger is a good idea, and they will turn away from the rebels.
Wonderful, Chieftess. Now how exactly do I do that?
You could try handing out free beer.
Yeah, thats exactly what we need Chieftess, Heineken Bombers - a bunch of drunken insurgents armed with sharp metal objects running around naked and setting fire to burlesque theaters I have a better idea: well hold a We Love the King Day!
Um, TF, you cant do that yourself. Only the people can if they are happy enough.
Silence! I am Thunderfall, Emperor of CFC, Wonder of the World. I can do anything!
[RING!]
Thunderfall answers the hotline phone. Yello! Thunderfall the Vi-King here! Ah ha ha ha! Little pun. Oh, its you, DanQ! Hows life treating ya ? Oh, I see, well, perhaps its best not to discuss that.
DanQ: Listen, I have an idea. Now I know that this was all a joke, but were losing control over everything FAST; there are even people in my own country who are coming out against the merger now. I just had to send two clowns to Siberia for trying to subvert the Directory. I think we should seriously consider joining forces, for now, to quash this uprising.
TF: Unfortunately, I think youre right. Our two militaries can coordinate their strategy via LAN. I also have several large expeditionary forces ready to hit the rebels, and we have a new supercomputer coming online that can launch a cyber attack on their internet sites.
DanQ: Great. Ill get in touch with my staff, and well grant you full a right-of-passage and an alliance against the colonial rebels.
TF: We affirm this alliance of cooperation, friendship, and mutual defense between the people of CFC and Apolyton. So let it be written; so let it be done. We can set up shop in that fake CivJunction capital we built. The buildings are already there - all we have to do is move in.
DanQ: Excellent idea. Now lets get everything together and smash these barbarians once and for all!
TF: Heres what I was thinking
Back at Pol Harbor, everything is quiet. The war in many ways seems remote, detached, like a mere story almost until
Thunderfalls carrier force gets within range just after dawn at Pol Harbor. Their orders are simple: attack and cripple the revolutionist fleet and air forces stationed there, sparing nothing and no one if possible. This will ensure complete sea and air supremacy for the loyalist CFCers, giving TF full power to wage war in the Pacific as he sees fit. A devastating blow like this could collapse the insurgency, bringing the newly free Civ Fanatics to their knees before the tyrannical might of CivJunction.
At 7:00 AM local time, the fighters take off, headed for destiny. At the base, Admiral Pummel and crew are relaxed, overconfident in their management and preventative measures.
Within the hours end, the fighters are in sight of the harbor. There is no flak in the air; no opposing planes; no gunfire. The surprise attack is a complete success. The ships below are neatly moored together, almost as if they had been readied for the bombers. At 7:53 AM, the attack begins. It is war.
The Free Civ Fanatic fleet is badly mauled, with 7 of the 8 battleships sunk or otherwise put out of commission for the foreseeable future; additionally, several cruisers are torpedoed and a supply ship is bombed. The attack badly damages several nearby air hangars, ruins an entire wing of fighters still on the ground, knocks Swissempires picture off the wall and everything!
Concurrent with the air strike, Thunderfall and DanQs CivJunk forces lay siege to many outposts around the world, including CFCs NES center and even Apolytons own University, which held several notable Apolytoner anti-mergerists. Other bases and radio stations are bombed; on-line refuges are attacked; amphibious forces take control of key islands and re-supply depots in the ocean, and there is full-blown confusion everywhere. On one island, Civ Fanatic Marines manage to hold out for awhile using pickaxes, shovels, and spam-bam marauder missiles, but it is no use. The combined CivJunction/CFC/Apolyton forces devastate the defenders.
Some time later, back in the capital, Swissempire and his administration get word of the attack. The public is shocked and furious at Thunderfalls treachery, and revenge is in the air.
Amidst the spirit of determination and patriotism, Swissempire meets with an emergency joint-session of Congress:
Yesterday, April 1, 2007 - a date which will live in infamy - the loyal Civvers of CFC were suddenly and deliberately attacked by the text and cyber forces of the Empire of CivJunction.
The Civvers were at peace with that administration, and, at the solicitation of Thunderfall, were still in conversation with his government and moderators looking toward the maintenance of peace.
It will be recorded that the synchronization of the press releases and the amount of work put into CivJunction makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the former Thunderfall Government has deliberately sought to deceive the CivFanatic's Civvers by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.
The attack yesterday on the Off-Topic and NESing Forum has caused severe damage to Civvers mental stability. I regret to tell you that very many Civver lives have been turned upside-down.
Yesterday the "CivJunction" Administration also launched an attack against GOTM. Last night Admin forces attacked the Hall of Fame. Last night Admin forces attacked the University. Last night Admin forces attacked the Apolyton Directory. Last night the Admins attacked the CivGroups.
"CivJunction" has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Civilization Fan Community area. The facts of yesterday speak for themselves. The Civvers of CFC have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our forums.
As Commander-in-Chief of the Leprechaun Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.
Always will we remember the character of the onslaught against us. No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the fanatical Civvers in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.
I believe I interpret the will of the NESers and of the Civvers when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make very certain that this form of treachery shall never endanger us again.
Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our posts, our threads, and our forums are in grave danger.
With confidence in our armed forces - with the unbounded determination of our Civvers - we will gain the inevitable triumph - so help us Sid!
I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Thunderfall on Sunday, April 1st, 2007, A STATE OF WAR has existed between the Free CFC and the CivJunction Empire.
There is great shouting and applause in the capital. The people band together around the wars new catchphrase:
Lets remember Pol Harbor
As we go to meet the foe!
Lets remember Pol Harbor
As we did the Alamo!
We will always remember
How they died for liberty!
Lets remember Pol Harbor!
And go on to Victory!
To be continued
Ball Lightning
www.sporedum.net
A fantastic story!!!
Gaius Octavius
Deity
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2006
- Messages
- 4,016
PART V
The Empire Strikes Back... Sort Of
[Music Plays]
“Caution! You are about to enter the No-Spin Zone. The O’Reilly Factor starts right now.”
Bill: “Thanks for tuning in. I’m Bill O’Reilly. Our top story tonight: Thunderfall announces big merger! That is the subject of this evening’s Talking Points memo.
“As many of you know, on April the first Thunderfall announced that CFC would be merging with our enemies at Apolyton. This should come as no surprise to all you loyal Factor followers; for some time, we here at the Factor have been following Thunderfall’s liberal secular progressive agenda to dehumanize Civilization and reduce the Fanatics under his iron boot of tyranny, because we are looking out for YOU. This is just another step in the broader War on Civilization, which we’ve been reporting on since last December when TF announced he’d take his vacation in Apolytonia. I gotta say, though, this CivJunction business is the worst stuff I’ve ever seen in all my years as a journalist.
“Thunderfall’s actions today prove once again that he and his far-left-extremists friends will stop at nothing to change our traditional CFC values and impose their own socialistic agenda on the rest of the nation. Many of you are outraged at this, as I am, and I’m proud to announce that the Factor has organized a complete boycott of all CivJunction goods and services - all three of them. Thunderfall has forced us to take this action, and soon he will be feeling the pain in his pocket of angering so many people. Mark my words - in a few weeks you’ll be seeing TF out on the street begging with a sign that says ‘will work for Gucci.’
“These kinds of far-left SP’s will never understand the culture war that is going on in CFC right now, because they refuse to recognize CFC’s traditional roots. WHERE WILL IT END? The merger today is just the first step; Thunderfall’s devious plans will not be complete until we are living in a society where Marx is ladled out in ponitifcationous proportions, leftists elites are in control, and we traditionalists and Civ 1 players are minimized as backward bigots. These pinheads must be stopped.
“In my new book, Civilization Warrior (available from Amazon.com and other fine bookstores for only $38.95), I lay out the liberal-SP agenda that Thunderfall and his ilk have been promoting. One important point I make is that they have explicitly avowed to turn this country into a kind of 21st century version of 1984, complete with Big Brother monitoring your posts for content and the redistribution of mods and avatars indiscriminately.
“Is this the kind of country we want to live in? A place where our enemies are welcomed as friends, right is indistinguishable from wrong, and GOTMs cost money? The good Civ Fanatic folks have to rise up and stop this from taking place, and make sure it will never happen again. People are already starting to come together, thank God, but only time will tell if we can rally to the cause and defeat this evil enemy before time runs out. And that’s the memo.
“When we come back, we’ll have expert analysis from Mel Gibson and Ann Coulter, who’ll give their takes on this merger business…”
Thunderfall is lying on the beach under a perfect night sky; there is a full moon, no clouds, and only a slight breeze. The sound of the surf gently breaking across the sand soothes his otherwise nervous disposition, making the whole world seem so remote, so trivial…
Until the sea serpent shows up. “WHAT THE --!!! MAAAATRIX!!! TURNER!!! SOMEBODY!!!”
The sea monster speaks to him:
“You, o infidel king, have trespassed in forbidden territory. You have lied to your subjects, sent them into anarchy, and generally behaved like a wombat. Now the day of reckoning is upon you. Your time has come!”
“Never! I’ll fight you with my sword… where’s my sword?!”
“BWA! Never bring a sword to a dragon fight!”
TF takes off down the beach, rushing toward the nearest shelter. The dragon is in hot pursuit.
[STOMP……STOMP…….STOMP]
“You can run, but you can’t hide! You have to face yourself sooner or later!!”
Just then Thunderfall awakes in bed, screaming. It was only a nightmare.
“That’s it - I’ve got to stop eating Chinese food so late.”
He looks at the clock and sees it’s almost time to get up, so TF lumbers out of bed and gazes through the window. From his palace bedroom, he can see much of the city, still quiet in the early morning hours, but with some goings-on. Across the street there is a sign: “Down with CivJunction! Stop the Merger!”
TF remembers all his problems from yesterday; how the merger announcement led to outrage, revolution, and war. He sighs as he weighs options for the inevitable decisions that will have to be made today. “The citizens have overreacted,” he thinks. “How can I just tell them this was all a joke? It’s gone too far now…”
Thunderfall gets himself ready and walks downstairs to the large dining room, where several of his staff are already seated, eating breakfast.
TF: “Good morning, gang. What’s it look like so far?”
Matrix: “Your army’s on the march again. This morning, they took Paragoric.”
TF: “Paragoric, eh? Good, good, good-good.”
Chieftess: “I talked to Dan Quick a little earlier. He said he’s contained the enthusiasm of the more anti-mergerist elements at Apolyton, but some are still giving him some trouble.”
Plotinus: “I’ve been trying to get ahold of Spammer again, but either all the lines are jammed or he won’t answer. His planes are at an unidentified location, but still outside Apolyton radar space right now.”
TF: “Quintus! Where are our status reports?”
Quintus walks in briskly. “Here they are. Our amphibious landings were a smash; in just six hours, we took eight bases, not counting supply depots and radar stations. We’ve also engaged the insurgency at OT again, this time in the air, and our continental invasion force is just about ready to land in the east.”
TF: “What about DanQ? He told me yesterday he’d try to patch together some kind of supplementary expedition.”
Chieftess: “He did mention something about that this morning, but I don’t remember what. I’ll try to get him on the line for you in a bit.”
TF: “Quintus, you said that we’d have that new supercomputer online by today. After the insurgents spammed our online forums, I’m anxious to return the favor. How’s that coming?”
Quintus: “She’s all loaded and ready to go. Just say the word.”
TF: “Good! I want to see this for myself. Shall we go as soon as we’re done?”
“Of course.”
Thunderfall and crew finish their meal, then walk down to the laboratory where the new supercomputer is being brought online by technicians. As they enter the room, one odd-looking fellow is stooped over the mainframe…
TF: “Eh, pardon me…”
Dr. Strangeprank: “Eeeeee-yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss?”
Thunderfall takes two steps backward. “Um, are you the head scientist?”
Strangeprank: “Ja. Das ist true. Und you are die great ruler Thoonderfall, I presume?”
TF: “Yes, that’s right. I was hoping to take a look at your new device, if it’s ready…”
Strangeprank: “Oh, of course it’s ready! Ve have been ready for months. Just a few little bugs here and there that needed to be SQUASHED!”
Dr. Strangeprank throws the master switch, and the HACK 9000 computer roars to life.
HACK 9000: “Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HACK 9000 computer, the most reliable series ever built. How may I serve you today?”
Plotinus: “I’ll take a ham on rye, no cheese!”
HACK 9000: “…I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t do that…”
TF: “Knock it off, Plot.”
Strangeprank: “You see, TF, this computer is a bit different. We have successfully integrated a HUMAN element into it, so that it no longer acts like a mere machine… it thinks.”
TF: “How is that possible, Strangeprank?”
Strangeprank: “Vell, you see, I have managed to combine human brain functions - by way of hybridized cells - into the program so that it can react and grow like a human brain.”
“Whose cells did you use?”
Strangeprank: “… Why, mine, of course!”
“Naturally. Very well, give us a demonstration. I’m eager to get back at the spammers.”
Strangeprank: “HACK?”
HACK 9000: “Eeeeee-yeeeeeeees?”
Strangeprank: “Ve vant to spam die revolutionists. Implement special order number vier.”
HACK 9000: “An excellent choice, if I may say so. We have several options for counter-spamming, gentlemen: basic retaliatory mode, quiet mode, quick mode, and blow-their-skivvy-asses-out-of-the-water, wipe-that-stupid-grin-off-their-spiky-little-punk-faces mode, also known as Osama mode.”
TF: “Eh….call me crazy, but I like option four.”
HACK 9000: “Four it shall be, gentlemen. Initializing subroutines… Preparing to spam…”
In the colonies, in a dark back somewhere at an undisclosed location, right next to Cheney’s secret bunker, a team of nerds detect the HACK’s attempted subversion.
“Hey! Somebody’s trying to infiltrate our defense systems!”
“Lemme see… Looks like a sophisticated encryption algorithm with a dual-plus Z bar and recapable tires… Activate our Return-to-Sender protocol!”
With furious typing, the nerd squad successfully reroutes all incoming traffic from CFC back to itself. The HACK 9000 ends up sabotaging its own system, along with about half of CFC and Apolyton’s communication lines (remember the two were linked after the military alliance was signed). Back in the lab, the lights dim, and with a short whir everything suddenly goes dead.
TF: “I believe you were discussing our technological supremacy, Dr. Strangeprank?”
Strangeprank: “Ahem… clearly, ve still have a few BUGS to be SQUASHED!”
TF [Sarcastically]: “Wonderful. You idiots! I should’ve known something called ‘Osama Mode’ would backfire on us! When you manage to get it together, give me a call. Come on, Plot, let’s get outta here.”
[When Johnny Comes Marching Home plays…]
“Navigator to Captain. Sir, I have the first damage report: minor structural damage to the tail section; two fuel pumps are out, and we’ve had some problems with the bomb bay circuits.”
Maj. Khan: “Well, danged if they didn’t try to get us good, then…”
Sparks wanders up front. “What in the world happened?”
Khan sniffs. “I might ask you the same thing!”
“Ah, when the plane tipped over I fell in the toilet.”
“Well, ain’t that the --”
“Shift!”
“What?!”
Navigator: “I said we’re going to have to shift our fuel supply, sir! The missile damaged several of the fuel pumps in the starboard section and we’re leaking.”
Khan: “All right, enough of this ridiculous conversation! Sparks, you go back and mess with the fuel lines; Slick, you take a look at the wiring while I stay on the controls. Doggone them ‘Polys! They don’t miss a trick.”
In the War Room, Thunderfall and crew sit around, quietly worrying about the campaign.
TF: “Chieftess, this is getting serious. Even though we’ve had great success in the Far East, I’m worried. These ‘insurgents’ really know their stuff; this morning, they took out our combined CivJunction web capability and half the communications with Apolyton are down. It ought to be back up soon, but this incident says a lot about our defenses. What’ll happen next?”
Chieftess: “Oh, that reminds me. We’re out of coffee.”
TF: “D’OH!!!!!!!”
The phone at the far end of the room rings. TF wanders over and answers it.
TF: “Hello, Thunderfall here…”
Thunderfall is shocked to hear the voice on the other end, and crouches down in secrecy.
TF, whispering: “LucyDuke, I thought I told you never to call me here! Don’t you know where I am…? Look, baby, I can’t talk to you now… What? No, of course not…. No! I deeply respect you as a human being! Someday, I’m gonna make you Mrs. LucyDuke Thunderfall! Lucy, this is neither the time nor the place! No… no, that’s all right. Listen, I’ll talk to you later… Oh, wait, listen, shug… don’t forget to say your prayers, okay?”
He hangs up, composes himself, then strolls nonchalantly back to the table.
Matrix: “Who was that?”
TF: “Oh, er… um, that was a saleslady. Yeah. I told her no thanks, we didn’t need any Avon candles at this time…”
Chieftess: “Avon candles…? Hmm?”
TF: “Never mind that. Just get me DanQ, PDQ!”
Chieftess: “That could take forever! Apolyton’s in worse shape than we are!”
TF: “Gimme the phone! I’ll do it myself… Now let’s see, long distance would be area code… [dialing] If you want something done right…”
[beep Beep BEEP!]
Automated Voice: “Thank you for calling the Apolyton hotline. All our circuits are busy right now, but your call is important to us, so please hold while we process your request.”
[New York, New York plays]
“Crimony!”
Quintus runs in. “Sire! These reporters won’t leave without a statement!”
A group of obnoxious men clamor inside, taking pictures and swiping cookies from the mini-bar.
“What can you tell us about the Apolyton situation? Is it true that Poly has fallen?”
TF: “Ahem… we’re, uh, currently working closely with our CivJunction allies. I’m informed that we will soon have the treacherous rebels by the throat. Apolyton is a great ally in this war on anti-mergerism. DanQ and I are good friends, we’ve had good conversations together, and we’re gonna have good working relations in the future. We’re all in this together.”
“Sire? Is it true that this is just a feeble prank, not a real merger? And the revolt is just a ridiculous extension?”
[The entire room gasps in surprise.]
TF: “Uh….well, no, those folks are quite serious. It looks like the pay features are what are driving people away. Rest assured, more details will be coming soon… I do think they’re overreacting, though.”
“May I quote you on that?”
TF: “Quote me as saying I was misquoted.”
“Ha ha ha.”
“Can you tell us anything about why our communications systems are suddenly down?”
TF: “Yes, actually… It seems there was a very bad, freak lightning storm around the main server center late last night and early this morning, which we think struck the network. We believe that it is the root cause of all the problems.”
“So just to clarify, you’re blaming this on ball lightning?”
TF: “Yes, that’s right. Well, I have enjoyed this little tête-à-tête, but if there are no other questions, I have other pressing matters to attend to…” [He starts out the door and they all object.]
Reporter 1: “Wait, Thunderfall…”
Reporter 2: “Just one quick question about the rebels…!”
National Enquirer Reporter: “Can you confirm your alleged relationship with a prominent CFCer?”
TF stops dead in his tracks, turns around, glares at the reporter, but then resumes walking into the next room while Matrix keeps everyone at bay.
“CHIEFTESS!” He bellows. “Where’s that blasted phone?”
“Right here!”
[Grabs the receiver.]
“Thank you for calling the Apolyton hotline. Please go ahead with your call. To hear options in English, press one. En Espanol, dos. Francais, trois…”
[BEEP]
“You have chosen to hear Apolyton in English. If at any time you wish to continue in another language, please hang up and dial again.
“If you would like to talk to an Apolyton customer service representative, press 1... If you would like to speak with someone at the University, press 2... If you would like to talk to Dan Quick before Spammer’s planes reach us and all hell breaks loose, press sqrt(2) / 2 * (3 ^5) / (9* sqrt(2)) * (2 / 3^2).”
TF, thinking: “Doggone it, I knew I should’ve taken advanced algebra…”
[Beep bop beep boop bip boop.]
“Thank you for calling the office of Dan Quick, administrator of Apolyton. We are sorry, but Dan is currently unavailable; however, you may leave a message with his answering service if you wish. To send a message, press 1...”
TF: “Oh, yeah, I’m gonna send him a message, all right…”
[BEEEEEP!]
“DanQ? It’s Thunderfall again. Listen, we really need to talk whenever you get a chance. Please call me as soon as you can get your system up and….”
TF hears a click on the line as someone picks up.
“Hello? Dan?”
“This is Mr. Quick’s secretary. How may I help you?”
“I need to talk to Dan, quick!” [Groans over the pun he just made]
“Well, I can try to get him for you… but… I think he’s still a little… uh, influenced… from all the fallout last night after the merger celebrations.”
“I don’t care! Just get him!”
[Pause…]
DanQ: “Yeeeaah? What do you [hiccup] want?”
TF: “Dan, it’s Thunderfall! Yes! And I… Say, listen, Dan, do you suppose you could turn the music down a little? I can’t really hear that well… Yes, that’s better! Fine, thanks, that’s good. You’re coming through fine now…….I’m coming through fine, too, eh? Well, that’s marvelous… as you say, we’re both coming through fine. Yes…… no, I agree, it’s great to be fine.” [SIGH]
Back in the colonies, the nerd herd decides to spam Thunderfall in retaliation for his attempted backlash against their computers. As TF talks to DanQ, they are going to break in on his phone conversation. This time, however, there’s interesting twist…
TF: “…So that’s what’s been happening here, Dan.”
Dan: “Aw, crikey! It looks like we’ve got --” [CLICK!]
TF: “Dan? Hello! [tap tap tap] DAN…….? DANQ?!”
[A new voice rings out, crystal-clear, over the telephone.]
“Greetings from your friendly insurgents, Thunderfall! We don’t appreciate your efforts to suppress our little organization, so we’ve put together an impromptu a cappella group with a special song just for you. Now, we are pleased to present, ‘The Bomber Boys’!”
[Sung to the tune of “The Banana Boat Song,” aka “Day-O,” and based on this spoof. (You really ought to hear the song before you read the lyrics.)]
Hey-o! Daaaaaaay-o!
Air force come, and they flatten your home!
Run, Mr. Thunderfall, we know where you’re hiding!
Air force come, and they flatten your home!
Hey, C-F-C, C-F-C, C-F-C!
Major Khan comes, and he flattens your home!
60-foot, 70-foot, 80-foot craters…!
Air force come, and they flatten your home!
Old CFC’s pissed, they ain’t no Quakers!
Air force come, and they flatten your home!
CivJunction’s coming down, we are gonna spam you!
Cleric comes, and he flattens your home!
Thunderfall’s gonna fall, trippin’ on the spammers!
Spammers come, and they whack your home!
Come, Mr. Thunderfall, shut down the CivJunction!
Air force come, and they flatten your hoooooooooome!
Chieftess, Matrix, Plotinus, and the other mods can hear this ridiculous song across the room. They snicker as Thunderfall stands there dumbfounded.
TF: “…….What the….? Oh, I don’t believe this!”
“You’ve just been listening to ‘The Bomber Boys’ and their latest album, ‘And You Know What You Can Do With Your CivJunction!’ And now, Thunderfall, because you were so generous in sharing your spam with us, we have another special surprise just for you…. You’ll find out what it is shortly.” [CLICK]
TF: “I wonder what that’s all about…?”
Matrix: “Maybe they’re sending you a free Spam Bot!” [Snicker]
[RING]
TF: “Hello?”
Other end: “Hi! Is this Thunderfall?”
“Yes…”
“Good afternoon, sir! I’ve been directed to extend to you a free trial membership in our sweepstakes giveaway!”
TF: “You have the wrong number! [Hangs up]
Good grief, I’ve been put on the telemarketers’ watch list!”
Chieftess tries desperately to stifle her uncontrollable giggling as the other mods roll around on the floor, overcome by goofy laughter.
[RING!]
TF: “Thunderfall!”
“Hello there. Did you know that over 6 million accidents occur in the palace every single year?”
TF: “Go away!”
[RING!]
“Thunderfall!”
“Attractive aluminum siding from Metal Masters can raise the property values of your luxury palace -- !”
TF: “ARRRGHH!” [Slams down receiver]
[RING!]
“Thunderfall!”
“Increase your mortgage size up to six inches!!”
[BANG!] Thunderfall takes a .38 out of his desk drawer and shoots the phone.
“Guess they won’t be calling here anymore!”
[BEEP BEEP BEEP] TF’s cell phone announces a new text message.
“Congratulations! You’ve been selected to receive a free digital satellite -- !”
[BANG!]
Chieftess [Laughing hysterically]: “STOP IT! I… can’t… take much… more of this…!”
Quintus, running in: “SIR! Our invasion fleet is landing in the colonies!!!”
While Thunderfall and crew are… busy… back in the colonies, the President and Congressional leaders are eager to find a quick solution to the war before anyone else gets hurt. Several ideas are tossed around, including a proposal to coordinate a massive simultaneous flush of all the toilets at CFC. (It is hoped that the drop in water pressure would blow all the power plants’ steam-driven turbines, thus putting everything out of commission. Needless to say, this idea is crap.)
Swissempire: “What do you think, Advisor #2?”
#2: “Well, sir, I have to say this idea just doesn’t hold water.”
Swissempire: “For that very bad pun, you’re banned for two days. Anyone else have any brilliant thoughts?”
Gaius Octavius: “Mr. President, I have a crazy idea, but it just might work…”
“Of course, you realize, sir, we’ll need proper attire so that no one recognizes us…”
To be continued…
The Empire Strikes Back... Sort Of
[Music Plays]
“Caution! You are about to enter the No-Spin Zone. The O’Reilly Factor starts right now.”
Bill: “Thanks for tuning in. I’m Bill O’Reilly. Our top story tonight: Thunderfall announces big merger! That is the subject of this evening’s Talking Points memo.
“As many of you know, on April the first Thunderfall announced that CFC would be merging with our enemies at Apolyton. This should come as no surprise to all you loyal Factor followers; for some time, we here at the Factor have been following Thunderfall’s liberal secular progressive agenda to dehumanize Civilization and reduce the Fanatics under his iron boot of tyranny, because we are looking out for YOU. This is just another step in the broader War on Civilization, which we’ve been reporting on since last December when TF announced he’d take his vacation in Apolytonia. I gotta say, though, this CivJunction business is the worst stuff I’ve ever seen in all my years as a journalist.
“Thunderfall’s actions today prove once again that he and his far-left-extremists friends will stop at nothing to change our traditional CFC values and impose their own socialistic agenda on the rest of the nation. Many of you are outraged at this, as I am, and I’m proud to announce that the Factor has organized a complete boycott of all CivJunction goods and services - all three of them. Thunderfall has forced us to take this action, and soon he will be feeling the pain in his pocket of angering so many people. Mark my words - in a few weeks you’ll be seeing TF out on the street begging with a sign that says ‘will work for Gucci.’
“These kinds of far-left SP’s will never understand the culture war that is going on in CFC right now, because they refuse to recognize CFC’s traditional roots. WHERE WILL IT END? The merger today is just the first step; Thunderfall’s devious plans will not be complete until we are living in a society where Marx is ladled out in ponitifcationous proportions, leftists elites are in control, and we traditionalists and Civ 1 players are minimized as backward bigots. These pinheads must be stopped.
“In my new book, Civilization Warrior (available from Amazon.com and other fine bookstores for only $38.95), I lay out the liberal-SP agenda that Thunderfall and his ilk have been promoting. One important point I make is that they have explicitly avowed to turn this country into a kind of 21st century version of 1984, complete with Big Brother monitoring your posts for content and the redistribution of mods and avatars indiscriminately.
“Is this the kind of country we want to live in? A place where our enemies are welcomed as friends, right is indistinguishable from wrong, and GOTMs cost money? The good Civ Fanatic folks have to rise up and stop this from taking place, and make sure it will never happen again. People are already starting to come together, thank God, but only time will tell if we can rally to the cause and defeat this evil enemy before time runs out. And that’s the memo.
“When we come back, we’ll have expert analysis from Mel Gibson and Ann Coulter, who’ll give their takes on this merger business…”
Thunderfall is lying on the beach under a perfect night sky; there is a full moon, no clouds, and only a slight breeze. The sound of the surf gently breaking across the sand soothes his otherwise nervous disposition, making the whole world seem so remote, so trivial…
Until the sea serpent shows up. “WHAT THE --!!! MAAAATRIX!!! TURNER!!! SOMEBODY!!!”
The sea monster speaks to him:
“You, o infidel king, have trespassed in forbidden territory. You have lied to your subjects, sent them into anarchy, and generally behaved like a wombat. Now the day of reckoning is upon you. Your time has come!”
“Never! I’ll fight you with my sword… where’s my sword?!”
“BWA! Never bring a sword to a dragon fight!”
TF takes off down the beach, rushing toward the nearest shelter. The dragon is in hot pursuit.
[STOMP……STOMP…….STOMP]
“You can run, but you can’t hide! You have to face yourself sooner or later!!”
Just then Thunderfall awakes in bed, screaming. It was only a nightmare.
“That’s it - I’ve got to stop eating Chinese food so late.”
He looks at the clock and sees it’s almost time to get up, so TF lumbers out of bed and gazes through the window. From his palace bedroom, he can see much of the city, still quiet in the early morning hours, but with some goings-on. Across the street there is a sign: “Down with CivJunction! Stop the Merger!”
TF remembers all his problems from yesterday; how the merger announcement led to outrage, revolution, and war. He sighs as he weighs options for the inevitable decisions that will have to be made today. “The citizens have overreacted,” he thinks. “How can I just tell them this was all a joke? It’s gone too far now…”
Thunderfall gets himself ready and walks downstairs to the large dining room, where several of his staff are already seated, eating breakfast.
TF: “Good morning, gang. What’s it look like so far?”
Matrix: “Your army’s on the march again. This morning, they took Paragoric.”
TF: “Paragoric, eh? Good, good, good-good.”
Chieftess: “I talked to Dan Quick a little earlier. He said he’s contained the enthusiasm of the more anti-mergerist elements at Apolyton, but some are still giving him some trouble.”
Plotinus: “I’ve been trying to get ahold of Spammer again, but either all the lines are jammed or he won’t answer. His planes are at an unidentified location, but still outside Apolyton radar space right now.”
TF: “Quintus! Where are our status reports?”
Quintus walks in briskly. “Here they are. Our amphibious landings were a smash; in just six hours, we took eight bases, not counting supply depots and radar stations. We’ve also engaged the insurgency at OT again, this time in the air, and our continental invasion force is just about ready to land in the east.”
TF: “What about DanQ? He told me yesterday he’d try to patch together some kind of supplementary expedition.”
Chieftess: “He did mention something about that this morning, but I don’t remember what. I’ll try to get him on the line for you in a bit.”
TF: “Quintus, you said that we’d have that new supercomputer online by today. After the insurgents spammed our online forums, I’m anxious to return the favor. How’s that coming?”
Quintus: “She’s all loaded and ready to go. Just say the word.”
TF: “Good! I want to see this for myself. Shall we go as soon as we’re done?”
“Of course.”
Thunderfall and crew finish their meal, then walk down to the laboratory where the new supercomputer is being brought online by technicians. As they enter the room, one odd-looking fellow is stooped over the mainframe…
TF: “Eh, pardon me…”
Dr. Strangeprank: “Eeeeee-yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss?”
Thunderfall takes two steps backward. “Um, are you the head scientist?”
Strangeprank: “Ja. Das ist true. Und you are die great ruler Thoonderfall, I presume?”
TF: “Yes, that’s right. I was hoping to take a look at your new device, if it’s ready…”
Strangeprank: “Oh, of course it’s ready! Ve have been ready for months. Just a few little bugs here and there that needed to be SQUASHED!”
Dr. Strangeprank throws the master switch, and the HACK 9000 computer roars to life.
HACK 9000: “Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HACK 9000 computer, the most reliable series ever built. How may I serve you today?”
Plotinus: “I’ll take a ham on rye, no cheese!”
HACK 9000: “…I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t do that…”
TF: “Knock it off, Plot.”
Strangeprank: “You see, TF, this computer is a bit different. We have successfully integrated a HUMAN element into it, so that it no longer acts like a mere machine… it thinks.”
TF: “How is that possible, Strangeprank?”
Strangeprank: “Vell, you see, I have managed to combine human brain functions - by way of hybridized cells - into the program so that it can react and grow like a human brain.”
“Whose cells did you use?”
Strangeprank: “… Why, mine, of course!”
“Naturally. Very well, give us a demonstration. I’m eager to get back at the spammers.”
Strangeprank: “HACK?”
HACK 9000: “Eeeeee-yeeeeeeees?”
Strangeprank: “Ve vant to spam die revolutionists. Implement special order number vier.”
HACK 9000: “An excellent choice, if I may say so. We have several options for counter-spamming, gentlemen: basic retaliatory mode, quiet mode, quick mode, and blow-their-skivvy-asses-out-of-the-water, wipe-that-stupid-grin-off-their-spiky-little-punk-faces mode, also known as Osama mode.”
TF: “Eh….call me crazy, but I like option four.”
HACK 9000: “Four it shall be, gentlemen. Initializing subroutines… Preparing to spam…”
In the colonies, in a dark back somewhere at an undisclosed location, right next to Cheney’s secret bunker, a team of nerds detect the HACK’s attempted subversion.
“Hey! Somebody’s trying to infiltrate our defense systems!”
“Lemme see… Looks like a sophisticated encryption algorithm with a dual-plus Z bar and recapable tires… Activate our Return-to-Sender protocol!”
With furious typing, the nerd squad successfully reroutes all incoming traffic from CFC back to itself. The HACK 9000 ends up sabotaging its own system, along with about half of CFC and Apolyton’s communication lines (remember the two were linked after the military alliance was signed). Back in the lab, the lights dim, and with a short whir everything suddenly goes dead.
TF: “I believe you were discussing our technological supremacy, Dr. Strangeprank?”
Strangeprank: “Ahem… clearly, ve still have a few BUGS to be SQUASHED!”
TF [Sarcastically]: “Wonderful. You idiots! I should’ve known something called ‘Osama Mode’ would backfire on us! When you manage to get it together, give me a call. Come on, Plot, let’s get outta here.”
[When Johnny Comes Marching Home plays…]
“Navigator to Captain. Sir, I have the first damage report: minor structural damage to the tail section; two fuel pumps are out, and we’ve had some problems with the bomb bay circuits.”
Maj. Khan: “Well, danged if they didn’t try to get us good, then…”
Sparks wanders up front. “What in the world happened?”
Khan sniffs. “I might ask you the same thing!”
“Ah, when the plane tipped over I fell in the toilet.”
“Well, ain’t that the --”
“Shift!”
“What?!”
Navigator: “I said we’re going to have to shift our fuel supply, sir! The missile damaged several of the fuel pumps in the starboard section and we’re leaking.”
Khan: “All right, enough of this ridiculous conversation! Sparks, you go back and mess with the fuel lines; Slick, you take a look at the wiring while I stay on the controls. Doggone them ‘Polys! They don’t miss a trick.”
In the War Room, Thunderfall and crew sit around, quietly worrying about the campaign.
TF: “Chieftess, this is getting serious. Even though we’ve had great success in the Far East, I’m worried. These ‘insurgents’ really know their stuff; this morning, they took out our combined CivJunction web capability and half the communications with Apolyton are down. It ought to be back up soon, but this incident says a lot about our defenses. What’ll happen next?”
Chieftess: “Oh, that reminds me. We’re out of coffee.”
TF: “D’OH!!!!!!!”
The phone at the far end of the room rings. TF wanders over and answers it.
TF: “Hello, Thunderfall here…”
Thunderfall is shocked to hear the voice on the other end, and crouches down in secrecy.
TF, whispering: “LucyDuke, I thought I told you never to call me here! Don’t you know where I am…? Look, baby, I can’t talk to you now… What? No, of course not…. No! I deeply respect you as a human being! Someday, I’m gonna make you Mrs. LucyDuke Thunderfall! Lucy, this is neither the time nor the place! No… no, that’s all right. Listen, I’ll talk to you later… Oh, wait, listen, shug… don’t forget to say your prayers, okay?”
He hangs up, composes himself, then strolls nonchalantly back to the table.
Matrix: “Who was that?”
TF: “Oh, er… um, that was a saleslady. Yeah. I told her no thanks, we didn’t need any Avon candles at this time…”
Chieftess: “Avon candles…? Hmm?”
TF: “Never mind that. Just get me DanQ, PDQ!”
Chieftess: “That could take forever! Apolyton’s in worse shape than we are!”
TF: “Gimme the phone! I’ll do it myself… Now let’s see, long distance would be area code… [dialing] If you want something done right…”
[beep Beep BEEP!]
Automated Voice: “Thank you for calling the Apolyton hotline. All our circuits are busy right now, but your call is important to us, so please hold while we process your request.”
[New York, New York plays]
“Crimony!”
Quintus runs in. “Sire! These reporters won’t leave without a statement!”
A group of obnoxious men clamor inside, taking pictures and swiping cookies from the mini-bar.
“What can you tell us about the Apolyton situation? Is it true that Poly has fallen?”
TF: “Ahem… we’re, uh, currently working closely with our CivJunction allies. I’m informed that we will soon have the treacherous rebels by the throat. Apolyton is a great ally in this war on anti-mergerism. DanQ and I are good friends, we’ve had good conversations together, and we’re gonna have good working relations in the future. We’re all in this together.”
“Sire? Is it true that this is just a feeble prank, not a real merger? And the revolt is just a ridiculous extension?”
[The entire room gasps in surprise.]
TF: “Uh….well, no, those folks are quite serious. It looks like the pay features are what are driving people away. Rest assured, more details will be coming soon… I do think they’re overreacting, though.”
“May I quote you on that?”
TF: “Quote me as saying I was misquoted.”
“Ha ha ha.”
“Can you tell us anything about why our communications systems are suddenly down?”
TF: “Yes, actually… It seems there was a very bad, freak lightning storm around the main server center late last night and early this morning, which we think struck the network. We believe that it is the root cause of all the problems.”
“So just to clarify, you’re blaming this on ball lightning?”
TF: “Yes, that’s right. Well, I have enjoyed this little tête-à-tête, but if there are no other questions, I have other pressing matters to attend to…” [He starts out the door and they all object.]
Reporter 1: “Wait, Thunderfall…”
Reporter 2: “Just one quick question about the rebels…!”
National Enquirer Reporter: “Can you confirm your alleged relationship with a prominent CFCer?”
TF stops dead in his tracks, turns around, glares at the reporter, but then resumes walking into the next room while Matrix keeps everyone at bay.
“CHIEFTESS!” He bellows. “Where’s that blasted phone?”
“Right here!”
[Grabs the receiver.]
“Thank you for calling the Apolyton hotline. Please go ahead with your call. To hear options in English, press one. En Espanol, dos. Francais, trois…”
[BEEP]
“You have chosen to hear Apolyton in English. If at any time you wish to continue in another language, please hang up and dial again.
“If you would like to talk to an Apolyton customer service representative, press 1... If you would like to speak with someone at the University, press 2... If you would like to talk to Dan Quick before Spammer’s planes reach us and all hell breaks loose, press sqrt(2) / 2 * (3 ^5) / (9* sqrt(2)) * (2 / 3^2).”
TF, thinking: “Doggone it, I knew I should’ve taken advanced algebra…”
[Beep bop beep boop bip boop.]
“Thank you for calling the office of Dan Quick, administrator of Apolyton. We are sorry, but Dan is currently unavailable; however, you may leave a message with his answering service if you wish. To send a message, press 1...”
TF: “Oh, yeah, I’m gonna send him a message, all right…”
[BEEEEEP!]
“DanQ? It’s Thunderfall again. Listen, we really need to talk whenever you get a chance. Please call me as soon as you can get your system up and….”
TF hears a click on the line as someone picks up.
“Hello? Dan?”
“This is Mr. Quick’s secretary. How may I help you?”
“I need to talk to Dan, quick!” [Groans over the pun he just made]
“Well, I can try to get him for you… but… I think he’s still a little… uh, influenced… from all the fallout last night after the merger celebrations.”
“I don’t care! Just get him!”
[Pause…]
DanQ: “Yeeeaah? What do you [hiccup] want?”
TF: “Dan, it’s Thunderfall! Yes! And I… Say, listen, Dan, do you suppose you could turn the music down a little? I can’t really hear that well… Yes, that’s better! Fine, thanks, that’s good. You’re coming through fine now…….I’m coming through fine, too, eh? Well, that’s marvelous… as you say, we’re both coming through fine. Yes…… no, I agree, it’s great to be fine.” [SIGH]
Back in the colonies, the nerd herd decides to spam Thunderfall in retaliation for his attempted backlash against their computers. As TF talks to DanQ, they are going to break in on his phone conversation. This time, however, there’s interesting twist…
TF: “…So that’s what’s been happening here, Dan.”
Dan: “Aw, crikey! It looks like we’ve got --” [CLICK!]
TF: “Dan? Hello! [tap tap tap] DAN…….? DANQ?!”
[A new voice rings out, crystal-clear, over the telephone.]
“Greetings from your friendly insurgents, Thunderfall! We don’t appreciate your efforts to suppress our little organization, so we’ve put together an impromptu a cappella group with a special song just for you. Now, we are pleased to present, ‘The Bomber Boys’!”
[Sung to the tune of “The Banana Boat Song,” aka “Day-O,” and based on this spoof. (You really ought to hear the song before you read the lyrics.)]
Hey-o! Daaaaaaay-o!
Air force come, and they flatten your home!
Run, Mr. Thunderfall, we know where you’re hiding!
Air force come, and they flatten your home!
Hey, C-F-C, C-F-C, C-F-C!
Major Khan comes, and he flattens your home!
60-foot, 70-foot, 80-foot craters…!
Air force come, and they flatten your home!
Old CFC’s pissed, they ain’t no Quakers!
Air force come, and they flatten your home!
CivJunction’s coming down, we are gonna spam you!
Cleric comes, and he flattens your home!
Thunderfall’s gonna fall, trippin’ on the spammers!
Spammers come, and they whack your home!
Come, Mr. Thunderfall, shut down the CivJunction!
Air force come, and they flatten your hoooooooooome!
Chieftess, Matrix, Plotinus, and the other mods can hear this ridiculous song across the room. They snicker as Thunderfall stands there dumbfounded.
TF: “…….What the….? Oh, I don’t believe this!”
“You’ve just been listening to ‘The Bomber Boys’ and their latest album, ‘And You Know What You Can Do With Your CivJunction!’ And now, Thunderfall, because you were so generous in sharing your spam with us, we have another special surprise just for you…. You’ll find out what it is shortly.” [CLICK]
TF: “I wonder what that’s all about…?”
Matrix: “Maybe they’re sending you a free Spam Bot!” [Snicker]
[RING]
TF: “Hello?”
Other end: “Hi! Is this Thunderfall?”
“Yes…”
“Good afternoon, sir! I’ve been directed to extend to you a free trial membership in our sweepstakes giveaway!”
TF: “You have the wrong number! [Hangs up]
Good grief, I’ve been put on the telemarketers’ watch list!”
Chieftess tries desperately to stifle her uncontrollable giggling as the other mods roll around on the floor, overcome by goofy laughter.
[RING!]
TF: “Thunderfall!”
“Hello there. Did you know that over 6 million accidents occur in the palace every single year?”
TF: “Go away!”
[RING!]
“Thunderfall!”
“Attractive aluminum siding from Metal Masters can raise the property values of your luxury palace -- !”
TF: “ARRRGHH!” [Slams down receiver]
[RING!]
“Thunderfall!”
“Increase your mortgage size up to six inches!!”
[BANG!] Thunderfall takes a .38 out of his desk drawer and shoots the phone.
“Guess they won’t be calling here anymore!”
[BEEP BEEP BEEP] TF’s cell phone announces a new text message.
“Congratulations! You’ve been selected to receive a free digital satellite -- !”
[BANG!]
Chieftess [Laughing hysterically]: “STOP IT! I… can’t… take much… more of this…!”
Quintus, running in: “SIR! Our invasion fleet is landing in the colonies!!!”
While Thunderfall and crew are… busy… back in the colonies, the President and Congressional leaders are eager to find a quick solution to the war before anyone else gets hurt. Several ideas are tossed around, including a proposal to coordinate a massive simultaneous flush of all the toilets at CFC. (It is hoped that the drop in water pressure would blow all the power plants’ steam-driven turbines, thus putting everything out of commission. Needless to say, this idea is crap.)
Swissempire: “What do you think, Advisor #2?”
#2: “Well, sir, I have to say this idea just doesn’t hold water.”
Swissempire: “For that very bad pun, you’re banned for two days. Anyone else have any brilliant thoughts?”
Gaius Octavius: “Mr. President, I have a crazy idea, but it just might work…”
“Of course, you realize, sir, we’ll need proper attire so that no one recognizes us…”
To be continued…
IronMan2055
Korra 2011
Iggy you should go to FCF
was the picture of Churchill on the story before? I don't remember it.
was the picture of Churchill on the story before? I don't remember it.
Gaius Octavius
Deity
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2006
- Messages
- 4,016
Ball Lightning
www.sporedum.net
Ha, can't wait to here maore.
Alpha Killer II
My avatar is a insigna...
- Joined
- Sep 8, 2006
- Messages
- 940
I dont have THAT much spare time to read all that!
Spoiler :
Ball Lightning
www.sporedum.net
Part six is out and can be found somewhere lurking in:
civworld.co.nr
(Go to the OT section and the 2nd last forum, it'll be there somewhere)
civworld.co.nr
(Go to the OT section and the 2nd last forum, it'll be there somewhere)
carmen510
Deity
And now, another song... Based on http://youtube.com/watch?v=s5btZWbViPA&mode=related&search=
(Note: This is just for CFC vs. Apolyton)
Yeah, come on all of you, big strong men,
Thunderfall needs your help again.
He's got himself in a terrible jam
Way down yonder in CivJunctian
So put down your books and pick up a gun,
We're gonna have a whole lotta fun.
And it's one, two, three,
What are we mergin' for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is CivJunctian;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the spammin', mates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.
Well, come on generals, let's move fast;
Your big chance has come at last.
Gotta go out and get those reds —
The only good Apolytoner is the one who's dead
And you know that peace can only be won
When we've blown 'em all to kingdom come.
And it's one, two, three,
What are we mergin' for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is CivJunctian;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the spammin', mates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.
Huh!
Well, come on Civ3, don't move slow,
Why Dan, this is war a-go-go.
There's plenty good killin' to be made
By supplying the Army with the tools of the trade,
Just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb,
They drop it on the Apolytons.
And it's one, two, three,
What are we mergin' for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is CivJunctian.
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the spammin', mates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.
Well, come on members throughout the land,
Pack your spam off to CivJunctian.
Come on brothers, don't hesitate,
Kill 'em off before it's too late.
Be the first one on your for'm
To have Apolytons come home in as lox.
And it's one, two, three
What are we mergin' for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is CivJunctian.
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the spammin', mates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die
(Note: This is just for CFC vs. Apolyton)
Yeah, come on all of you, big strong men,
Thunderfall needs your help again.
He's got himself in a terrible jam
Way down yonder in CivJunctian
So put down your books and pick up a gun,
We're gonna have a whole lotta fun.
And it's one, two, three,
What are we mergin' for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is CivJunctian;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the spammin', mates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.
Well, come on generals, let's move fast;
Your big chance has come at last.
Gotta go out and get those reds —
The only good Apolytoner is the one who's dead
And you know that peace can only be won
When we've blown 'em all to kingdom come.
And it's one, two, three,
What are we mergin' for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is CivJunctian;
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the spammin', mates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.
Huh!
Well, come on Civ3, don't move slow,
Why Dan, this is war a-go-go.
There's plenty good killin' to be made
By supplying the Army with the tools of the trade,
Just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb,
They drop it on the Apolytons.
And it's one, two, three,
What are we mergin' for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is CivJunctian.
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the spammin', mates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopee! we're all gonna die.
Well, come on members throughout the land,
Pack your spam off to CivJunctian.
Come on brothers, don't hesitate,
Kill 'em off before it's too late.
Be the first one on your for'm
To have Apolytons come home in as lox.
And it's one, two, three
What are we mergin' for ?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,
Next stop is CivJunctian.
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the spammin', mates,
Well there ain't no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we're all gonna die
Ball Lightning
www.sporedum.net
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