You keep avoiding the most important thing. Come on… You know, I’m very patient. I can keep doing this for as long as necessary.
Knifeship.
Once, during the later days of our first age, Kendra and Orli and I went into the far part of the borg, which was off-limits to all but the godar and the priests, and those directly allowed to go there by both. It was Orli’s idea to go there, though later, Kendra and I drew lots and I accepted the responsibility, as Orli was the youngest of us three.
Once there, we found a…
Not it at all.
MGkrseges.
Agkarog, gagkwapg foeammviorg pvkapovawem vpomavma m, vaopv eofwaofm o omowoo om a aapav la, gwag. G la ekogm paow k m p ef w. Pfep aapav, walf, wp, mgyr. Fefefewew. Plfoewkaamgmvav.
Staphon.
Staphon was our teacher. And also, he was my personal tutor. He was the one who taught me history – the one that everyone learns and the other, meant for me as a future godar.
They aren’t all that different, those two histories. The main difference between the two is that the latter extends, how ever tenuously, into the future. Tenuously, yet meticulously, Staphon laid out the outlines of the future and of our plan, of how we were to avoid the errors of the Migrants and the Habitants alike – if possibly at the cost of making new ones as we struck out on our own…
Staphon is inconsequential, a dead end despite some points of originality. Move on!
Borg Iruskan.
I first went to borg Iruskan at the start of my second age, and visited it two more times since then. But long before that, it preoccupied my mind, since it was often spoken of in our hamme.
One of the first nine kuppelborgs, it was; a place of tyranny and anarchy, of ridiculously strict religious and military discipline on one hand and extreme hedonism and nihilism on the other. We did not really pay that much attention to those places after our rebellion and escape; for most of us, their part in history was over; for others, they were still not presently important, although they would become so later. In general we had assumed that, weakened by rebellion, the kuppelborgs were like powerful beasts bleeding to death on the ground and trying to delude themselves into thinking that it were not so. Their wounds were fatal, we said; and already they do not even attempt to match us in battle. A few more generations, and the free hamme will not only overtake them but also take advantage of their anarchy to take over theirfactories and other properties.
All the same, though, we were cautioned again and again before we set out on our first voyage to Iruskan, that while the inhabitants of the kuppelborgs were weak and apathetic, the very spirit of those places was infectious. We may become corrupted and dissolute, and therefore should be watchful even as we pay lip service to the idea of alliance…
(Staphon of course believed that travelling there may serve to steel us against corruption later…
The kuppelborg was not as I expected. But I did not realise this at first – since at first, it seemed to match what I have been told well enough.
It was imposing from the distance. The rituals and buildings (regardless of their actual function) were all momentous and ostentatious; they have no doubt changed a great deal since the landing, and Staphon later told us that the kuppelborgs were no doubt starting to imitate empires of old these days. That probably should have been a warning.
In borg Iruskan, godar Orgen reigned. His jerls governed in his name, but they were less like hand-picked warriors and more like bureaucrats and courtiers. The clergy was extensive – and so the rituals were large – and they were all controlled by the Leidangr, although the same could be said of all aspects of life. All streets and quarters, as well as the underground, were patrolled by Leidangr machines. All the same, in the guests quarters and the youth houses, we were greeted by strange entertainments – flavourful artificial food and modified fungus, off-putting “ancient” music, depictions of nonexistent people and so on. Their young did not spar with abandon, as we did, but they did use a greater number of weapons, and people gathered to watch the fights on the arena. Both sides assumed that the other was cheating, and it fell to me to explain the differences in rules.
Their religion, too, was strange. Often did I remember the words of Staphon and Orgmar and others, on how the people of the kuppelborgs have fallen into denial, attempting to argue that they did not err in landing on Destination. And indeed a few insisted that
they believed no such thing, and that, in fact, nobody did; but they did not explain what they now wished to do about it. But others simply said that our journey was truly at end. This was nothing less than our new home; our new planet. Now all that was left to do was to colonise all of it, to study it and (blasphemous thought) to reclaim some of that which we forsook when we set out on our journey. It was for this reason that they were actually quite interested in ancient history and philosophy; but understanding I was not thrilled with their notion, they did not insist on pressing it further.
It was rather late in that visit when I realised that indeed, they do still have a network, and it is quite strict and all-encompassing. They fixed their previous errors, perhaps, and now their rulers meddled in their lives at will if needed – without any clear arrangements for feedback, as we had. I was quite grateful to God and godar that we were no longer there, for hamme Irkner now appeared more as automatons who were only pretending to be free and living beings until someone gave them a different order.
That impression ultimately wore off, though. And the second visit was, on the whole, fairly mundane; a necessary negotiation after some border incidents. To be sure, hamme Irkner had referred to us as tributaries, but they were willing to release our prisoners as though we were their equals.
It was on the third visit to borg Iruskan that I had realised just how wrong we had been about it – though strictly speaking, some of this information I was given slightly in advance. It was about three times bigger than we thought, you see – it had stretched deep, deep underground. There, they readied a large army of recklessly prepared and thoroughly integrated Ysir – no, not proper Ysir, but rather mere clones without names. There, they also kept the old ships, far more numerous and large than those in our borg. There, they also had a great many other things, and they did not wish for us to know of them… Yet they also did not worry too much when we discovered them. It seems they were simply not concerned with what we may do there, and with good reason. Their security systems were supreme, perhaps – as godar Bruslaw woefully concluded – because they were so keen to develop new technologies for the sake of their plans for this planet.
It is fortunate that the purpose of my third visit had nothing to do with trying to sabotage their build-up, or I may have faced ignominious and inavertible defeat, the worst dishonour for an Ysir.
Helgi and Kendra.
My best friend from my childhood was Kendra. He was born on the same day as I was, though we did not meet after that until we all passaged into Staphon’s tutelage – and even then, not immediately, because Kendra had a tendency to try and run off, and to drop off the grid in the network. None quite knew how he did it, but luckily for all of us, he ultimately got tired of skulking around in what few areas he could escape to without dying at that age. The problems on the network stopped then.
We did not get along that well at first, admittedly; we sought to one-up each other in Staphon’s eyes, as we were both well-versed in history – although it is more that Kendra had an intuitive grasp for the subject, while I relied more on extensive reading and knowledge. In any case, our arguments got heated – which Staphon actually encouraged. Our peers, howeve, found it undignified, and eventually we ended up having to fight each other in a duel.
We were both outfitted with training machines, so that we may not seriously hurt each other or damage hamme property, but also so that we may decide things conclusively. I was more competent here; this was apparent from the start. But even as I kept blocking him and pushing him back, he found ways to keep me off balance with sudden, unexpected strikes, and then managed to land a crippling blow to the head unit, winning the duel when I was sure that I had it in my grasp. Later he told me that by that point he was driven by sheer spite and little else; he really, really didn’t want to lose to me. By then we were already friends, though.
It was a rather strange friendship, since I soon got a special status as the godar’s heir, while Kendra was always rather strange and devious regardless of status (although he was on fast track towards becoming either one of the jerls or Orgmar’s apprentice, as ludicrous as some – not including Bruslaw and Staphon – found this notion). It was nevertheless a very strong one, helped by our common interest in history and in the world around us. I was shocked by his blasphemies and recklessness, sometimes, while he accused me of being arrogant and self-absorbed. Yet we would always defend each other from others; I would be party to his crimes, as we had eventually agreed, while he would help me get my way over anyone else.
And it worked out. And I never did reveal any of his secrets. I hid them well, very well, and even what little I mentioned now I would never have mentioned if not for, well…
He disappeared on a voyage to borg Iruskan, which by itself was a sudden and abrupt venture he didn’t see fit to warn us about – except to hint at things under the city, which worried godar Bruslaw and, after he shared some things he had already known with me, myself, to such a great extent that we decided to jeopardise our succession by sending me and a small retinue to look for him there, on my third voyage to borg Iruskan.
So…
It’s you, isn’t it?
…
You are almost there, Helgi. Don’t be distracted now. Come on, just one more push through your personal memories, and…
The New Awareness.
Nothing. And everything, wrapped around it.
Nature abhors a vacuum, and a vacuum abhors nature.
There shall be no more perfect union than this.
*pop*
---
Blind. Deaf. Senseless. Cut off.
I am still trapped. But not completely. I can move. Or at least, I can crawl. A good thing I was trained for it, though I still won’t make it all that far in here (where?) without transport.
I am defenseless and surrounded by darkness, as on the day when I was born.
There is blood on my hands. At least, there is supposed to be… I won. In much the opposite way from how I did when we had fought and he had won, all the way back then.
I am still trapped.
Dark. Quiet. Empty, lost…
…
No.
There is… something else.
Only belatedly do I realise that, in truth, I have been trapped
before, ever since my birth... and now I was set free.
This first realization is followed by a million others, flowing into my heated mind in an instant.
And over the din of all those thoughts, sensations and apprehensions, there was one that shouted out all of them. A question. Or perhaps simply a desperate, terrified cry.
Oh my godar, what have we done. Oh my godar, what have I become?!