My friend gets served divorce papers tomorrow

[tetley]

I have no idea why I'm posting this real joy of a thread--I guess I'm desperate to help my friend and just can't.

I'm friends with both the husband and wife, and I found out through the wife that he's getting served with a divorce tomorrow. He doesn't know it's coming. And I do...go figure.... I had to swear to secrecy, or I wouldn't know myself. If this were a life-or-death matter (for example suicide or terrorist plot), I would just betray the secret, but this is close.

Shoot. How do I help my friend? Without giving away that I knew.

 

[Perfection]

There's nothing you can do but take care of you.

Have a relaxing evening. Rest well and make sure you're hydrated. Then you'll be ready for the ensuing chaos.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

Assuming that there is ensuing chaos. Very few people are genuinely surprised by divorce.

You might be surprised at your friend's reaction. I have a very clear memory of this conversation:

Sympathetic friend: So, she left?
Suddenly single guy: Yeah.
Sympathetic friend: Well, hopefully it will all work out.
Suddenly single guy: It already did. She's gone.

I will leave it to your imagination which role I played there.

 

[Ryika]

So she's out of no where filing divorce without talking to him beforehand, warning him in any way, etc.?

Do you know of anything he has done to deserve that kind of treatment?

If not, then I don't understand why you would even want to keep your promise. It's pathetic if she doesn't even have the guts to tell him beforehand and in my opinion you should not have and part in this behavior.

 

[Perfection]

You never know what really goes on inside a marriage. Laying down your judgement is typically counterproductive.

@ tim that is 100% true.

 

[Ryika]

You can only judge the information you have, true. But if it's a choice between judging (and acting) on that information and staying silent while not having any information that would make staying silent a good idea I would always act.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

Is there some benefit to being "warned" as opposed to just being served that I am missing?

I'm making the perhaps rash assumption that it is frankly impossible to be served with divorce papers "out of the blue." I don't think anyone gets up from their marital bed, shares a jovial breakfast with their spouse, kisses them goodby, and then gets jumped by a process server in the parking lot at work.

For one thing, I think most states have a minimum period of separation before you are even allowed to file.

 

[BvBPL]

Never get involved in a boy-girl fight.

 

[Omega124]

Is there some benefit to being "warned" as opposed to just being served that I am missing?

I'm making the perhaps rash assumption that it is frankly impossible to be served with divorce papers "out of the blue." I don't think anyone gets up from their marital bed, shares a jovial breakfast with their spouse, kisses them goodby, and then gets jumped by a process server in the parking lot at work.

For one thing, I think most states have a minimum period of separation before you are even allowed to file.

This isn't a marriage persay, but something like this happened in my first (and so far only) relationship. We were spending the day all cute and couplelike, discussing nice stuff with friends, when my boyfriend pulled me aside to a side conversation and broke up with me right then and there. I mean, yes, we have our arguments, especially whenever history was brought up, but I dont think it was especially ergregious or anything. It was just, suddenly couple the morning, broken up by the end of the day. I was not expecting it at all.

We were together for almost two years, as well. It was definitely a long term relationship.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

This isn't a marriage persay, but something like this happened in my first (and so far only) relationship. We were spending the day all cute and couplelike, discussing nice stuff with friends, when my boyfriend pulled me aside to a side conversation and broke up with me right then and there. I mean, yes, we have our arguments, especially whenever history was brought up, but I dont think it was especially ergregious or anything. It was just, suddenly couple the morning, broken up by the end of the day. I was not expecting it at all.

We were together for almost two years, as well. It was definitely a long term relationship.

Well, he's a unique form of jerk, in my opinion. Going directly to breakup without a pause at "so, I think we are having some problems and we need to focus on working them out or they are probably terminal" and then making a good faith effort isn't something I would do.

That said, divorce and marriage are legal states that bring with them certain elements, and like I said there is much less room for a surprise than there is in a relationship, even a long term relationship. The minimum term of separation really makes it hard to be totally surprised by a divorce filing.

 

[rah]

I know of one female friend that kept it secret right up to that point because she needed to document/investigate all the communal assets. She was afraid if he suspected he might try to hide/transfer some of them. Her lawyer advised her to do this.

 

[Lohrenswald]

Kinda curious why she'd tell you before him

 

[Timsup2nothin]

I know of one female friend that kept it secret right up to that point because she needed to document/investigate all the communal assets. She was afraid if he suspected he might try to hide/transfer some of them. Her lawyer advised her to do this.

I assume her lawyer advised this secrecy regarding separation, not the divorce filing. If you separate without knowing the assets it is very unlikely that you will be able to sort out an accurate accounting. If assets are hidden between separation and divorce they are going to have to be accounted for as long as they were documented at the time.

 

[rah]

I wouldn't know. I don't think they were separated at the time. It was awhile back.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

A lot of people refer to them as if they are interchangeable, but in reality separated is what most people mean when they say "I'm getting divorced." By the time they actually are getting divorced a lot of the dust has usually settled.

 

[tetley]

Aren't you glad I am not friends with you and your wife right now. "Is it me?"

He could do more to save his marriage. I just don't think there is some light switch that shuts off on their marriage right away just because he gets served. I wish there was something I could do, even if it meant betraying her secret, but I don't see it.

Get out the umbrellas, because it's going to be raining cow patties here tomorrow.

 

[Akka]

You never know what really goes on inside a marriage. Laying down your judgement is typically counterproductive.

Never get involved in a boy-girl fight.

Couldn't say it better. You never know what actually happens in a relationship - and even if you knew, you can't be in the head of the persons and know how they live through some things -, so it's at best misguided and at worst harmful to intervene.

Best you can do is to support people you feel for without trying to take side.

 

[schlaufuchs]

This isn't a marriage persay

*necessarily

also

**per se

Sorry, pet peeve.

 

[Synobun]

Be a friend to both when the time comes. Don't involve yourself in talking smack about the other person, focus on building each individual up. Distract them, help them parse out their thoughts and feelings, but don't get embroiled in any messenger bird squabbles.

If one of them is prone to petty behaviour, they'll try their best to use you as a source of information. Don't do that. They're not necessarily doing it out of malice... it's just that the urge to know is extreme during trying times.

 

[Camikaze]

*necessarily

'Necessarily' would seem to leave open the possibility that it actually was a marriage, whilst indicating that whether it was or not is irrelevant.

I assume what Omega was instead conveying was "this wasn't a marriage as such". That seems to be closer to 'per se' than 'necessarily'.