SGOTM9: Second Spoiler - The Final Curtain

AlanH

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Here's where you get to tell us all how far up the evolutionary tree Mahatma managed to climb in your game.

Usual rules - Don't read here until your team has completed the game. Don't post here until a player on your team has posted a spoiler describing your end game.

What did we learn about the AI and its mysterious ways?
 
After millenia of backwards living, in the year 1695 AD an Indian Dumbo wandered into the deserted streets of Oslo. He defiantly declared that the proud city belonged to the so-called Indian Empire. To his surprise, further exploration uncovered a vast repository of Scandiavian knowledge! :eek: In a matter of seconds, the Indians went from knowing nothing of education to mastering the secrets of flying to the stars! :dance:

Unaccustomed to such amazing feats of technology, the Indians spent several more centuries building some of the new military units they now could construct. The Americans kindly provided some nice soft metal in exchange for Indian knowledge. :D Once military production was running smoothly, the Indians devoted a city to a great project, the Apollo Program, which would enable them to build a spaceship. :clap: The former Scandinavian capital completed this project in 1860 AD :banana:

Distracted by their ageless war with the mighty Scandinavians, however, the Indian people felt that it was better to wreck revenge on their forever-enemies than actually build their ship. :sad: With sufficient military might, why go to the stars when you might rule the world? :rolleyes:

In their thirst for vengence, they lost sight of all the good and wonderful things the Scandinavians had taught them. They razed and destroyed beautiful cities filled with the latest technological marvels in order to live in the manner they had been accustomed to for millenia. The only tech they used were the techs of destruction and conquest. The ingrates!! :mad:

But the Scandinavians were wise enough to withhold the glowing rocks from the entire world, thus creating a world without nukes. :nuke:

After centuries of trying to get the Indians to flee the planet, XTeam's fearless leader Leif took the helm one last time. As the end of time approached, the Scandanavians wiped out the last of all competing tribes, occupied more than 2/3 of the planet's surface, and sent a settling expedition to the stars. Ten hands of kulture kilos might have been attainable as well, but what does XTeam care about kulture? :p
 
As Hagar :viking: headed off to the stars ALONE (except for:beer: ) he wondered where he went wrong. And this wasnt easy with a massive hangover.

Hagar wasnt the brightest student, but surprisingly he had studied hard and managed to learn all sorts of techs useful in building spaceships in a not too shabby time. Like other students he stored them in a Great Library for safe keeping for Mr Gandhi when he got off his god-forsaken island.

What Hagar excelled in was military :ar15: (and :beer: of course).
He had stolen Hannibals Soz before Hannibal had more than 2 AC and had beaten his co-inhabitants off his starting island with ease. Some more raping and pillaging overseas :satan: meant he could enjoy nice Spanish wines as he set himsef up in his new base - the gloriously rich Entremont :drool: .

Now Hagar knew he had to provide Gandhi with not just the techs to get into space but also the resourses. However too much Spanish wine and his addled brain was unable to realise that when Gandhi captured Madrid it was just to get access to aluminium. Hagar thought Gandhi was after his wine so he belted Gandhi back off to the starting continent :hammer: .

Many drunken years passed as Hagar impatiently awaited a call from Gandhi that his spaceship was ready to escort Hagar into space.

Too late Hagar realised the error of his ways - Gandhi couldnt build a spaceship without aluminium, and he had to get to Spain to get it :wallbash: .

Reluctantly Hagar gave up the Spanish wine and went back to :beer: instead.

When it became obvious Gandhi wouldnt build Appollo program in time, Hagar downed some :beer: , tossed the empty tinnies onto Gandhi's polluted tiles (telling him to go make his own space ship with them) and took off by himself (well stocked with :beer: of course)

:cheers:
 
Ragnar was not impressed with Gandhi. The skinny little man with a big head and soft voice got on his nerves.

“Just release your inner child” the leader of India was saying.

“Look!” barked Ragnar, “I don’t need no inner child. What I want to know is if we are friends or enemies.”

“Allow me to consult my advisors on this matter. Have you met them yet? No? Allow me to introduce you to Gilligan, Skipper, Mr. and Mrs. Howell, Ginger, Mary Ann and the Professor. We were all alone on this island until you came. How may we reward you? Shall we sing Kum-ba-ya? Or have a group hug?”

Ragnar had to be polite.

“Uh, yes, great to meet you. Here are my counselors, Niklas, WarDance, zyxy, Methos, ControlFreak and CommandoBob. My fellow Vikings meet the Indians.”

“We are of the clan of Smurkz,” said Niklas. “What clan are you?”

“Well, we are of the clan Minnow,” said the one named Professor. “Have you told the trees how much you appreciate them?”

“Yes, will you stay and enjoy some green tea with us?” asked Gandhi. “It is so soothing and relaxing. It defuses the animal nature in all of us.”

“Sorry, we don’t have the time. Where is your general?” Ragnar asked. He was not likely to defuse the animal.

“General?”

“Yes, the man in charge of your fighters.”

“But we are a peaceful people. We love everybody and seek world peace. We have no need for fighters,” said Gandhi.

“We are fighters. We want to see you fighters,” said Ragnar, thumbing the blade on his axe.

“Well, actually, Gilligan is the best fighter we have,” said Gandhi.

“I am?”

“Its okay, Little Buddy,” said the large one named Skipper. “We’ll be here to help.”

Ragnar looked at the lanky man with the big ears and was too disgusted to laugh. It would take almost nothing to crush these people. And doing so would teach his counselors almost nothing.

“Oh, I’m so afraid,” cried Ragnar as he held his hands in front of his face. “I can’t defeat the Great Gilligan. We must flee.”

His counselors looked stunned.

‘You heard me. ‘Run away! Run away!” quoted the Viking leader.

‘But, but ...’

‘Now.’

And the counselors ran back to the boat.

‘And for you, Gandhi, you make my stomach move. Your people are insipid and your advisors are comedians. We will have nothing to do with you. We are at war and will be forever. We will teach you how to fight, even if it kills you. One of these days, Gandhi, one of these days …bang, zoom, Straight to the MOON!”
 
Ragnar took his time getting back to the boats and arrived after dark. His counselors had arrived a long time before he did and were anxious about what to do next. They were gathered around the fire cooking deer and marshmallows.

“Okay, guys, listen up. I’m only gonna say this once,” he said, as he strode into the firelight.

He paused to make sure everyone was looking at him. He had decided to level with these guys, but not right away. He also decided to drop the dumb barbarian routine.

“We are at war with the Indians!”

Six pairs of eyes gleamed with anticipation. Then dulled with the realization that there was not much glory or storytelling in fighting the Indians.

“Well, la-de-da,” said zyxy, “how dull. Declare war on Monday, capture Delhi on Tuesday and have Gandhi cleaning our bathrooms by Friday night.”

“Wrong,” said Ragnar, “we’re not doing things that way this time.”

“So we capture Delhi next Tuesday?” asked Methos.

“Nope.”

“Next month?” offered ControlFreak.

“Nayh.”

“Oh, we’re going to go get reinforcements and pillage his land and capture his workers and make them our slaves and build roads for us and -“

“Hey, I like that thinking WarDance, but no, that is not what we are going to do.”

“Nukes! We get to use nukes. Ka-boom!” exclaimed CommandoBob.

“No, it is even better than that,” said Ragnar.

“Are we going to capture Delhi?” asked Niklas.

“No, I think not,” Ragnar replied.

“We’re not going to capture Delhi and we are at war, right?”

“Yes to both. Well, you can capture Delhi, but not right away. You see, I want a final solution to the Indian problem.”

“And capturing their capital is not the right solution?” queried Methos.

“Not in this case. If we capture Delhi, we will still have Indians around. I want them gone.”

“Well, when we capture Delhi we raze it and presto! no more Indians,” said Methos.

“Or just nuke’em again and again and again until they’re all gone,” said CommandoBob.

“Too messy with the nukes. And the neighbors get unfriendly when you raze a town for no good reason. No, I want the Indians removed.”

“Removed to where?”

“Somewhere far, far away.”

“Yes..?”

“I want to send Gandhi to the stars!” said Ragnar.

“You mean Hollywood?” asked ControlFreak.

“No, outer space! You know; the moon, the planets, the stars, class M inhabitable planets on other solar systems, Roddenberry warp drives, spaceships. I want to put the Indians on another planet!”

No one said a word as they all digested this announcement. Finally, zyxy spoke.

“Exactly what have you been smoking?”
 
The two great Viking ships, Kon and Tiki, were slowly drifting with the currents as Ragnar and his advisors had now left the island of India. The two large rafts of balsa wood, bound together with rope, no sails, and a piece of wood between the logs to serve as a rudder, were the entire fleet of the Viking empire.

“This is just great,” growled Ragnar to Niklas. “We are destined to rule the sea, be masters of the ocean and yet one of my inner circle of counselors can’t swim.”

“Some people are just afraid of the water.”

“Vikings are not afraid of water!”

“So when was the last time you had a bath?”

“We don’t need baths. We let our odor overpower our enemies. And anyway, you have bigger concerns than how I smell.”

“I do?”

“Yes, you do. I am going to be leaving you shortly and do not know when I will return. That means you have to take this bunch and get Gandhi into space. I wish you luck. You’re going to need it,” said Ragnar.

“Huh?

“Just look at them. What a motley crew. I mean, what is CommandoBob doing?”

“The same thing as yesterday. He has a coconut and wants to see if two swallows can fly and carry it together.”

“Is that rational behavior by anyone’s definition?”

“Well, it keeps him busy. At least he is not singing his blasted Spam Song. Nor does he have that ghostly look that Methos does. I think Methos has had a taste of Civ4 and cannot come back to this reality,” said Niklas.

“But you will keep him.” It was a statement phrased as a question.

“Sure. He has helped and done his part. He has earned the right to be part of the finish, whatever it is.”

Just then, on the other raft, WarDance yelled “Rita!” and jumped up and dove into the hut on the raft. zyxy laughed and got some more water to throw on him.

“I mean, really, a Viking calling for his mother whenever he gets wet!” said Ragnar.

“WarDance told me that Rita was the name of a big storm that attacked his home city with a lot of rain and wind and that is why he is afraid of the water.”

“People that give names to storms are sissies. Now that zyxy; he seems to be my kind of guy.”

“He does get the big picture and knows how to use it. His ability to do that will be a big help. He can see the future and then explain how to make it happen. He and ControlFreak make a good planning pair. zyxy sees the big picture and ControlFreak lives in the details.”

“You’re sure?” asked Ragnar.

“As sure as I can be. Time will tell, but we should be able to get Gandhi to the stars and out of your hair.”

“Good, because I’m leaving. I may drop in here and there to see how you are doing and maybe even change my mind on what to do with that wimpy Indian. But I will back and I will be watching, so don’t disappoint me.”

“Wouldn’t think of it. But where are you going?”

“Oh, I’ve been invited to be the focus of a game where women break my heart. It is MeteorPunch’s idea and it seems to be a good one. I’m not fond of the name though. A Madman and his Ladies. I’m not mad, just misunderstood.”

“So when will you –“ but he was already gone.

Niklas took a deep breath and said to himself, “Time to get to work.”
 
Niklas had been taking a walk through the capital, Smurkzheim, and was returning to the palace. He came into the back of the palace and noticed that no one was around. Curious, he wandered through the halls and buildings but saw no one. As he made his way towards the front he heard strange noises. He followed the noises, not war noises, thinking that wherever the noise was the people would be also. And he was right.

Ragnar Lodbrok had returned.

He had gathered everyone into the courtyard and they were doing some form of exercise. Ragnar was out in front of the palace on the raised walkway that formed the courtyard, instructing the crowd. They were to stomp with their left foot, then stomp with their right foot and lastly clapp their hands one time. This odd activity repeated itself, apparently without end. Ragnar seemed upset that this crowd, which consisted of his advisors and city governors and their helpers, could not handle this simple task. He did see that ControlFreak could do this rather well and so called him to stand beside him and lead the crowd in their exercise. With ControlFreak leading them, the crowd was soon stomping and clapping together in unison.

Satisfied with their effort, Ragnar stopped the exercise. He stepped into the palace and pulled out a short, odd looking spear. Well, not a spear, Niklas realized; it was a microphone on a stand. He set the microphone down and spoke into it. “Test, test.” His words boomed out, greatly amplified.

Ragnar motioned to ControlFreak to restart the exercise. Which he did. Stomp, stomp, clap. Stomp, stomp, clap. Stomp, stomp, clap. Stomp, stomp, clap.

And then Ragnar stepped up to the microphone and began to sing about someone named Buddy, who was kicking a can.

Niklas listened and thought, I can do better than that. So he slipped up to the microphone behind Ragnar and waited. Ragnar finished and then jumped when he saw Niklas behind him. ControlFreak faltered a little too, but Niklas waved him to continue.

Niklas stepped up to the microphone and began to sing, using the same notes that Ragnar had.

Gandhi you’re a freak, almost geek
Playin’ with a spear wanna be a big shot some day
You got milk on yo’ face
You big disgrace
Throwing your Legos all over the place!


And the crowd roared back:
We will we will rock you. (stomp, stomp, clap; stomp, stomp, clap)
We will we will rock you. (stomp, stomp, clap; stomp, stomp, clap)

Niklas continued:

Gandhi you’re a pacifist masochist
Shoutin’ in the street gonna take on the Smurkz some day
You got fuzz on yo’ face
You big disgrace
Wavin’ your flowers all over the place!


Here Niklas waved his hands for the crowd to be quiet and sang.

Alpha Alpha Centauri! (stomp, stomp, clap; stomp, stomp, clap)
And the crowd replied:
Alpha Alpha Centauri! (stomp, stomp, clap; stomp, stomp, clap)

Niklas:

Gandhi you’re a dreamin’ Indian
Thinking if you can ever conquer the planet one day.
You got mud on your face
You big disgrace
Somebody’s gonna put you into outer space.


Everybody:
Alpha Alpha Centauri! (stomp, stomp, clap; stomp, stomp, clap)
Alpha Alpha Centauri! (stomp, stomp, clap; stomp, stomp, clap)

Alpha Alpha Centauri! (stomp, stomp, clap; stomp, stomp, clap)
Alpha Alpha Centauri! (stomp, stomp, clap; stomp, stomp, clap)

And since the deed had yet to be done, Niklas refrained from his version of ‘We are the Champions’. But he still had to face Ragnar.
 
The spaceship was mostly on autopilot now and almost complete. Of the six advisors that had started only one was left to finish up. Somewhat by default, CommandoBob was Acting Captain of the SS Smurkz. Not a bad job, but a bit dull.

Until the intruder alarms went off.

Leaving his game of spider solitaire, CommandoBob rushed to the security section of the bridge and quickly began entering commands in an attempt to locate the intruder. He autolocked the doors to the area and armed interior defensive weaponry as he narrowed down on where the intruder was located. In just a few seconds his blood ran cold. The intruder, all three of them, were on the bridge.

Over the sounds of the sirens and alerts he heard some rustling behind him and slowly began to turn around, wondering if his sidearm was still in safe-mode and how long it would take to un-safe it and if he could un-safe it before he was dead.

BOOM!

‘Aggh!’ cried CommandoBob as he jumped onto the slanted console and then lost his balance as he tried to turn around and draw his weapon. Time seemed to slow down as he fell to the ground with a large thud. He lay still to await his doom and prayed it would be quick.

Instead of kicks and punches his doom consisted of three men who were convulsed with silent laughing. Silent only briefly, they began to chortle and bray once they could take a deep breath.

‘Oh, that was priceless. Exquisite. Can we do that again?’ gasped one, who held a busted brown paper bag in his hand.

‘I haven’t had such a good laugh since Scoutsout lost an army to a culture flip!’ said the other.

‘What, what I want to know, oh my’ wheezed the third in a voice strangely familiar, ‘is where is Niklas? I left him in charge of this. Who are you? And what year is it?’

‘I’m-m-m Co-o-mando Bob, sir. Niklas isn’t here right now.’

‘Why not?’ roared the third one, with a full red beard and long flowing red hair.

‘Ragnar Lodbrok, he thinks he is English, along with ControlFreak and zyxy. I don’t think he will be back.’

‘And being English is better than being my chief advisor?’

‘Well, sir, this didn’t work out as we had hoped. We got India to build the Apollo Program but then we could not get them to build space ship parts. We built this space ship just to make them jealous, but all Gandhi would do was pollute his land. We’ve been cleaning up his waste for the last 200 years or so. He has two space ship parts and that is only because we tricked him. We let him start building something like the Manhattan Project, let get most of the way there, then we would build that same thing with a leader and all Gandhi could do was convert that build into a space ship part or buy an expensive temple. But that only worked twice and then we were out of wonders.

‘Now all we do is keep India’s troops marching back and forth between some empty spots on our frontiers. We move and open a gap, or so it seems, and India moves troops to exploit that gap. We close the gap, which opens another gap, and the troops move to the other gap. India has not learned that only two gaps are open at one time and that the gaps are in the same place each time. Sometimes India leaves stragglers and we redline them just to have something to do.

‘So this hasn’t been all the fun and excitement we had hoped for. Once India got the Apollo Program it has been anticlimactic.’

‘When did India build Apollo?’ asked Ragnar.

‘In 1690 AD.’

‘And what year is it now?’

‘It just turned 2050 AD.’

‘Okay, Co-o-mando Bob, here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to end this here and now. I’ve checked with the others and no one else was able to get India to build the Apollo Program before the Smurkz Team did.’

The second man spoke up and stepped forward.

‘I’m AlanH, and I’m here to officially declare Team Smurkz as the winners of the Gold Laurels for SGOTM 9.’

The first man now spoke.

‘I’m Gyathaar, and I’m here to present you with this Gold Laurel medallion to wear at all times to commemorate your victory and endurance in getting India, well, if not to the stars, at least to the launching pad.’

‘Uh, gee thanks, Gyathaar, but how can I wear a medallion online? Can you stick into a PDF or Word file so that I can print it off and show it to my wife?’

‘If you promise to change your user title to something a little more uplifting than SGOTM 09 Survivor.'

‘Why, seven months and two days are not long enough for a game of the month?’ quipped CommandoBob. Then he saw the hurt look on Gyathaar’s face.

‘Never mind, I’ll change it.’

Ragnar now spoke up again. ‘So Niklas is gone. Too bad. I had a song for him.’

‘Not the stomp-stomp-clap song?’ asked AlanH.

‘No, not from Queen. From another group, an English group, which is somewhat fitting since Niklas thinks he is English. A group of four boys from a place called Liverpool. They wrote a song about a brightly colored underwater vessel. My version goes like this:


In the game that we have played,
With Gandhi and his own sea,
Where he fought us all his life,
But never had the victory.



So we learned to chart the stars
Till we found a special place,
And we made it our life’s goal,
To send Gandhi into space.



We all tried to send Gandhi into space,
Gandhi into space, Gandhi into space,
We all tried to send Gandhi into space,
Gandhi into space, Gandhi into space,



And the teams were all aboard,
Many more of them just a lurk,
And the turns began to fly.



We all tried to send Gandhi into space,
Gandhi into space, Gandhi into space,
We all tried to send Gandhi into space,
Gandhi into space, Gandhi into space,



Now we’re at the turns of ease,
We can win whene’er we please (whene’er we please)
The game is done (game is done), we’ve run the race (run the race) ,
To send Gandhi into space, (into space)



We all tried to send Gandhi into space,
Gandhi into space, Gandhi into space,
We all tried to send Gandhi into space,
Gandhi into space, Gandhi into space,



We all tried to send Gandhi into space,
Gandhi into space, Gandhi into space,
We all tried to send Gandhi into space,
Gandhi into space, Gandhi into space.
 
:rotfl: fantastic write-up! :hatsoff:
 
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