Diripienda Africanus

For years, our neighbors have scoffed at the idea of a unified Italy. Now, those same powers that once dominated us fear our might. Who's laughing now? Italy has risen again!​

Welcome to Diripienda Africanus, a title which, according to Google Translate (must be right, huh?) means Scramble for Africa - the very scenario I'll be playing! Isn't that a funny thing!
I'll be leading the great Italian and/or Roman nation to glory, land-grabbing, and the looting of Africa's cultural heritage in this scenario as the continent is divided up between the European powers of the late 19th century - and possibly between some African powers as well...

A few house rules:

1) I won't take Tunis from the Ottomans, because that should technically be French by 1881.
2) If Ethiopia attacks me, I have to lose.
3) Under no circumstances will I make jokes about the fact that Paul "George Washington" Kruger has no beard.
4) There is no rule #4
5) Playing Italy, I will eat lunch at least twice a day and take a good nap in the afternoon, something that will in every conceivable way interfere with my ability to carve out territory in Africa - but who cares?!

Expect the first "proper" update to be out tomorrow or the next day!

Good luck, Majah Caesar of Raspur, no, Rome.....I mean Italy.

The Majah writing a story? AND its one of the good scenarios? I am quite excited. All of Africa must be the Majah's!

Heerlo said:

Good luck, Majah Caesar of Raspur, no, Rome.....I mean Italy.

Click to expand...

The Majah/Caesar/King/etc. of Italy thanks you! Glad to have you as a reader!

Silverman6083 said:

The Majah writing a story? AND its one of the good scenarios? I am quite excited. All of Africa must be the Majah's!

Click to expand...

Yeah, it just seemed kinda...wrong...that I'd never written a story of my own on here. So, yeah, hence this. Hope you like it!
I also have another story sort of "cued up" for later in the summer, assuming I actually get around to playing the game. But for now, this one. Should have the first update up late tomorrow!

Getting Started​

In 1881, the major challenge facing Italy was how to make this map of Africa:




Look like this one:




Top officials from the diplomatic ministry worked day and night to solve this problem. Days turned into weeks. Weeks into months. Suddenly, a brainwave: the officials would take a break for lunch, then a nap, then they'd come back to this matter either this afternoon or tomorrow morning, depending on how they felt.

Meanwhile, officials from the ministry of the interior pondered how to solve the economic crisis plaguing Italy. Suddenly, a brainwave: They'd take a break for lunch, followed by a nap, and then they'd sell other European nations embassies in Palermo, Sicily, for one gold per turn for a reasonable rent even though those same nations already had embassies in Rome!

A master stroke. This, combined with an increase in trade from new cargo ships to be built, would surely solve Italy's economic woes without infringing on the rights of the corrupt elements in the government to make vast sums of money at the public's expense. Additionally, a reasonable kickback could be expected from Il Mafiosi as they were paid to "protect" the embassies.

Construction orders were sent to the three major Italian cities in the area...







...and embassies were sold. Here, we reproduce the offer to Morocco:





Now, Italy was faced with the question of "Who should we attack first?" Other European nations were out of the question due to scenario rules the Concert of Europe. No Sub-Saharan nations had yet been met, though they knew there were some from the Social Policy screen. Therefore, the only option were the North Africans. The Ottoman holdings were ultimately selected because a) they were unprotected, b) the Ottomans as a whole were weak, and c) you could go over there, conquer their cities, and be back before dinner. Orders were given to attack immediately, but they got misdirected in the post and ended up at the house of Mrs. L. K. Simmons, a retired Englishwoman living in Venice. Though she fought bravely and single-handedly sank 42 Ottoman warships at the Battle of Tripoli Bay, she was ultimately captured and extradited to Britain, where she was known to regale her friends with tales of her exploits over afternoon tea.

Meanwhile, other European nations started to denounce everyone they could:





Not wanting to be seen as "backwards", the Italians denounced the Ottomans, winning the support of the Germans and Portuguese but annoying the Man in the Turban, who was either their leader, a man pretending to be their leader, or a man pretending to be Suleiman the Magnificent pretending to be their leader.



Meanwhile meanwhile, word reached Italy that an explorer from Belgium had discovered the Source of the Nile AND Mt. Kilimanjaro.



Not only had the Italians thought Tintin hadn't yet been created, they didn't even realized Belgium existed as a player on the world stage in this scenario. So they immediately offered to sell the Belgians an embassy in Palermo. Unfortunately, they weren't falling for the scam as they were broke, so embassies were simply exchanged:



Meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile, word reached Italy that France and Britain were preparing for a war against Morocco. Not to be outdone, Italy immediately sent an ultimatum to the Ottomans:

"We would be greatly appreciative if you would kindly give us Tripoli and Benghazi and the land in-between, or else we might be forced to declare war."

Unfortunately, the man sending the telegram was of Scottish descent, and, not being able to bear seeing that much money go down the drain, simplified the telegram to read:

"Give us Tripoli and Benghazi or else."

This could only mean one thing...

WAR!​

Hey, an actual Civ 5 story? Subbed man!

We've been a little short on those lately. Also, good to see you back around, Greek!

I've been back for a while just more poking around IOT and Civ 4 Stories and Tales.

Well I just meant good to see ya in this part of the forums.

@GreekAnalyzer ...and now I get to chase you back away with my inane story .
No, seriously, glad to have you reading it!

EDIT: Oh, and this is my 1337th post!

Played the next few turns this evening but am too tired to write a decently funny update. Expect one tomorrow, though!

The First Italio-Ottoman War​

With war underway, the Italians lost no time moving the military into position:



No one can explain precisely HOW the commanders managed to actually coordinate their actions so well. This is one of the great mysteries of the world, along with how the Egyptian Pyramids were built, what happened to the IX Legion, and precisely where Raspur is - it sounds real, so it must be on the globe someplace!

While the war dragged on, Portugal built a long rail-line. Italians were not sure why they should be excited about it, except that apparently the Portuguese had scored 500 "Victory Points". This led to a minor question of who precisely was keeping score:



The Great Big Siege of Bologna Tripoli took only a few months, and by July, 1882, naval bombardments had brought the city to its knees. This allowed the crew of one Italian ship, the "Ireallyshouldhavethoughtupapropernameinsteadofjustwingingitlikethis", to steam in and capture this. Some people were under the impression that this was the Ottoman capital, but that was patently ridiculous since not only can you not demand a capital in a peace deal unless it is in an isolated province, but also the capital of the Ottoman Empire was Istanbul, not Constantinople (or Tripoli).

For their bravery, the "Ireallyshouldhavethoughtupapropernameinsteadofjustwingingitlikethis" was promoted:



Meanwhile, a new Caio Duilio class Ironclad was built in Palermo and promoted, and the economic ministers decided to commission a Heroic Epic there for some reason.
Also meanwhile, the Ottomans sent a telegram to the Italian foreign ministry. It read as follows:

"Lol Caio Duilios OP pls nerf"

The Italian foreign ministry had a massive laughing-fest (leading to three hospitalizations) and sent the Caio Duilios, a Frigate, and some Riflemen to Benghazi. Unfortunately, the land support manning the cameras overshot and went into Egypt, discovering that the Nile looked really cool, for some reason:



By the time they got back, Benghazi had fallen:



Portugal had lengthened their rail-line:



And Egypt had been deemed "A good place to take a holiday" in the press. News travels fast, you know?

In the meantime, Riflemen mopped up some of the mess surrounding the captured cities:



But The Man In The Turban(tm) didn't want peace:



So some workers were kidnapped and told to mine salt. If you can draw a correlation between those two things, congratulations, because I can't.

Meanwhile, Portugal and France declared war on Morocco!





And Germany wanted to exchange embassies!



And Zoos were set in construction in Caligari and Catanzaro, to distract the populace!



And the Costa Ricans beat Italy 1-0 in an upset victory, which sucks, because I'm rooting for Italy (and also the USA, Australia, the Netherlands, and Ecuador) in the World Cup!

Next turn year, The Man In The Turban(tm) wanted peace.



Italy got their two cities, and all was well, except for the nagging question of why the Caio Duilios all looked almost exactly like the CSS Virginia. It was now time to do some exploration...

cpm4001 said:

The Italian foreign ministry had a massive laughing-fest (leading to three hospitalizations) and sent the Caio Duilios, a Frigate, and some Riflemen to Benghazi. Unfortunately, the land support manning the cameras overshot and went into Egypt, discovering that the Nile looked really cool, for some reason.

Click to expand...

That reason is because the Nile comes from the Fountain of Youth Source of The Nile(a natural wonder).

Good update, btw.

Hi cpm4001
Nice to read this story. Looking forward to more

Could the italian high generals reveal some of their thoughts for future offensive plans?

Idea: could conquer tunis and sell it to france to get things historically correct and some xp for the ships? Or maybe thats helping france to victory? Dono

Dahebbie said:

Hi cpm4001
Nice to read this story. Looking forward to more

Could the italian high generals reveal some of their thoughts for future offensive plans?

Idea: could conquer tunis and sell it to france to get things historically correct and some xp for the ships? Or maybe thats helping france to victory? Dono

Click to expand...

Glad you like it, and always happy to have another reader!

The Italian high generals are currently eating dinner for the second time today, but the overall plan is to start exploring south from our newly conquered territories with the hopes of finding King Solomon's Mines (which tend to be somewhere in North Africa) for the Victory Points. We'll also take a stab at discovering Lake Victoria (the other as-yet undiscovered NW), but I doubt we'll discover it before someone else does. Later, we'll go find Mt. Kilimanjaro and the Source of the Nile for the free happiness, and then start excavating artifacts.
Meanwhile, we'll be settling North Africa and possibly down along the coast of the Red Sea; I want to get some rail lines built with the hope of stealing those VPs from Portugal. I'm unlikely to go after Ethiopia unless they're really vulnerable, but have every intention of sooner or later going after Egypt for the Suez. I also almost certainly won't attack the Ottomans again; I actually thought about conquering Tunis and then selling it to France like you said, but I don't want to accrue more AI Warmonger Hate than I have to before I go after Egypt (wiping out a Civ doesn't go over well.)
Of course, there's no guarantee any of this will actually happen as I've planned...depends entirely on what sort of curves the game throws me!

Whew, after a bit of a delay, finally got the photos taken for the next installment. Expect it up today or tomorrow!
Also, on the off-chance that you didn't already know about it, go check out "The Dawn of Civilization" worldbuilding project that I and a number of other excellent Civ V Stories + Tales writers are taking part in! (I think my readers are all either working on or reading it already, but in case there's a lurker or two around I figure some extra advertising won't hurt!)

Generals stop eating. The egyptians are comming and portugals railroad is about to reach beijing, if you dont get your campaign rolling soon...

After much delay and some nagging, the Italian generals began to ponder their next move. Would it be to go to the South? The East? Or just home? The last option was favored, until suddenly an Explorer came to the Ministry. For a small cash sum, he offered, he would go into the unknown and explore Africa!


The Italian generals, preferring to use the money to buy food and wine, were hesitant, until they checked the map of Africa, which is kinda small because I kinda messed up making it:


Then they said, "Okay. Now, don't disturb us until you find something!"

Meanwhile, The Man In The Turban (tm) was concerned that the Italians were expanding into his lands:


As the Italians had just got done taking his lands in order to expand they were somewhat confused by this. Perhaps, they offered, his turban had given him heatstroke?

This annoyed The Man In The Turban (tm) so he denounced the Italians:


While the explorer made his way to the new holdings in North Africa and these diplomatic wheels were spinning, Horsemen rode into southern Libya, pillaging as they went!
Where had they come from?! What were they doing?! Did they build Stonehenge?! (Random Spinal Tap references FTW)
Italian Frigates started shooting far inland, in either one of the most amazing naval bombardments ever or something that defied the laws of physics:


Meanwhile, England denounced France for beating them in the Hundred Years War (it takes a while for some things to filter through the bureaucracy, you know?)


And Belgium denounced Morocco, for some reason!


And England had a massive salt shortage, and since you need some salt on your Fish and Chips they offered to buy some from the Italians:


Since no better deal could be worked out, this agreement was accepted.

Also, Pliny created a list of the People With The Pointiest Sticks. This was quite an achievement as he had been dead for about 1800 years.


Suddenly, more Barbarian Horsemen came riding in from the desert, pillaging as they went! Then, suddenly, they disappeared. While workers were dispatched to clean up the mess:


The question on everyone's mind was, what had happened? An expert was consulted:


And promptly ignored. Perhaps, the generals suggested, it was because the horsemen had run off into Tunis? This seemed more likely than the idiotic suggestion of the expert.

In the meantime, the Explorer started on his Epic Journey of Discovery and Adventure, which in about a hundred years should make for a brilliant film:


...a new regiment of Riflemen was trained in Palermo, to protect against Barbarians and moron experts:


...and the Diplomatic Ministry decided that the best policy for expansion was to bring new areas into Italy's Sphere of Influence, rather than conquering them outright:


So, while another Explorer expedition was being assembled in Palermo, some brave settlers were bravely paid to bravely go and do some settling bravely in this brave new world:


But the Ministry hadn't heard the last of....

Hehe. Very nice thx. Sry for the impatiens..
Imo you strike a very good balance between storytelling with humor, pictures, and amount of text.
It could carry a bit more text if you feel like it, and some thougths about future plans would ad to the strategic part of the entertainment.
But bottom line is: A lot of fun to read!