[BTS] Writing in Gunpowder

[Imperator Knoedel]

Why did nobody bother telling me the formatting is all messed up in my last update? Does nobody read these things?

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

Like all good things, the reign of King Frederick VII, the father of the new and improved Germany, had to end eventually. Thankfully his departure didn't cause widespread chaos and anarchy like that of his uncle had, and for the following centuries the line of succession was always pretty straightforward, from father to son, a significant number of them named "Karl"/"Charles". While none could reach the glory of Frederick VII, they all were great rulers in their own right. Charles III strengthened the ties between Germany and Portugal, importing a fascinating material called silk and a variety of spices from the other side of the world. He also assisted the Dutch crown in creating their own civil service.

Spoiler :

Charles IV on the other hand was a lot less popular on the world stage. It was under his reign that foreign agents set sugar fields ablaze, and due to his egregiously sexist views, even for the time, he caused quite the scene during a meeting with the Queen of England. To this day it is unknown if the two events are linked, but it is commonly believed that the Sweet Fire was caused by Russian spies, and the government of the time certainly did their best to push the "evil Russian Jews are conspiring to harm hard working Germans" narrative.

Spoiler :

And Charles V finally, crowned in the year 800 After Deutsch as King of the Taoist Kingdom of Germany, is known to the world as Charles the Great, Karl der Große, or Charlemagne. Some guy named Machiavelli even wrote a book about him, but since he was a Christian and working for the Dutch nobility he still praised King William of the Netherlands as the better ruler of his time. To be fair, all he really did was improving the quality of the armed forces in various ways, such as introducing compulsory military training every month for every citizen, and laughing in the face of the Spanish Queen Isabella XCIVMXIEBGIAGBOABNJGODSFdoesanyoneeventakecount.

Spoiler :

His son, Charles VI, brought the time honored tradition of German kings belittling every female ruler they come across to its logical conclusion by insulting the Czarina of Russia so much that what started as a diplomatic meeting to discuss fishing rights ended in a full scale war of extermination. His senility and advanced age at the time didn't help at all, as by the time he arrived back in Berlin and was about to raise an army he died from a heart attack.

Spoiler :

And so it fell to his son Otto V, ender of the Charles c-c-c-combobreaker naming trend dynasty, to sort out the mess. Fortunately Germany was everything but unprepared for war, as the last few centuries of religious fanaticism and militarization have made their impression on the German people. Thousands of warriors were quickly recruited, trained and equipped, and His Majesty personally led the attack on the Russian outpost of Yaroslavl' from atop one of the beasts named elephants that had made the long and arduous trek from Portugal. Only few of these animals survived the journey, but he didn't need many. Less than a year after the start of the war the German jungle was free from Russian influence, their city conquered, their houses burned, their population killed or enslaved. And now Germany finally had their own source of elephants.

Spoiler :

Incidentally, he also ended any and all trades and communication with the Greeks upon request of the Queen of England, seeing as they are the actual founders of the Jewish religion.

Spoiler :

The Spanish crown meanwhile assured the king of their support for his war and even brought a lump sum of gold as a token of it, but his Majesty was skeptical about their true loyalty, especially since their support was only in private while in public they denounced the just crusade.

Spoiler :

Yes, Tao is certainly smiling upon the world, for her followers have now begun the righteous crusade to enlighten all the nonbelievers, and they show no signs of stopping any time soon...

 

[Niccolo Edwards]

his egregiously sexist views, even for the time,

Now that's just plain impressive.

Spanish Queen Isabella XCIVMXIEBGIAGBOABNJGODSFdoesanyoneeventakecount.

After over a thousand. No, nobody counts. (I would have gone further but it didn't make any sense to me after the E)

Loving the story though.

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

Now that's just plain impressive.

To be fair, Spain, England and Russia all have female leaders, so maybe it's just because Germany is so religious.

After over a thousand. No, nobody counts. (I would have gone further but it didn't make any sense to me after the E)

Honestly I just made something up, you gotta ask Nighthawk which Isabella we are at since she is his leader.

Loving the story though.

Aw shucks...

 

[Niccolo Edwards]

The letters were all out of order but I checked over my quick reordering and found the same answer: 1095.
Though to be entirely honest I can guarantee that someone would be counting even after 1000.

 

[Nighthawk419]

Wow I totally forgot about this thread for this game. Maybe I will have to enlighten everyone with the Spanish view, especially with this ongoing religious war between Germany and Russia...

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

Once the raping, looting and pillaging in the newly conquered formerly Russian outpost of Yaroslavl' had died down, King Otto V went to expect his new prize. He didn't care much for the metals, trinkets, slaves, tools its population had to offer, no, what he really wanted was his own supply of elephants so as to no longer be dependent on Portuguese exports, and elephants the jungle had many in number. In fact he found such a large herd of these glorious animals that he accidentally fell down from his own elephant when he wanted to jump up and down with glee, cracking his head below one of the legs of the creature upon which he led the first attack on Russia.

This deeply traumatized his son, now crowned King Otto VI, who henceforth couldn't stand to see blood. While he did continue the war against Russia, he never personally led any attacks, and most of the fighting consisted of border skirmishes in the forest north of Munich. Instead he spent most of his time in the royal palace in Berlin, inviting philosophers from all over the world to his court, most notably he is said to have befriended several Spanish thinkers whose wisdom he greatly appreciated. Indeed he came to be known as the German philosopher-king, introducing a formalized education system to his subjects to which end he established the University of Sankore, named after his late wife. This grand fortress of knowledge and wisdom made a big impression on the clergy especially, and was used to further both spiritual and worldly knowledge across the realm.

Spoiler :

It wasn't until he had died from old age and his son Henry I taken the crown that the people of Germany remembered that "Gee, isn't there something we are forgetting? Something big, important and violent? Oh right, we are at war! Silly us!" And so he marched to liberate the other Russian outpost in the jungle separating the English peninsula from the world, a fort named Yekaterinburg.

Spoiler :

Henry I was in many ways the opposite of his father. Brutal and bloodthirsty, he looked with disdain upon the thinkers his father had entertained, seeing them as Spanish spies who are secretly working for the Russians, and so he tried to cut all ties with Queen Isabella insertrandomlettershere, and even attempted to bribe the French to do the same.

Spoiler :

He was also pious to a fault, replacing the tolerance of his father with renewed religious fanaticism which hammered the teachings of Tao into the head of even the thickest heathen.

Spoiler :

The question is, will this new order of intolerance end? Will a new thought take hold in German minds and hearts, the thought of Liberalism? And more importantly, will the Germans be the first people upon Tao's Earth to discover this new thought? Will Germany be first to discover Liberalism?

Spoiler :

The answer is...

Spoiler :

No.

Special shout out to my frienemy Nighthawk for this close Liberalism race, though I am still wondering to this day, whatever made you not only believe that I had given up on it, but even give me Philosophy for free?

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

After millennia of uncertainty and guesswork German sailors could now finally prove that the world is indeed round! The crew of the Caravel Weisheit expects much jubilee and festivity upon their arrival in French and Portuguese ports!

 

[Spirictum]

Hello Knoedel! Visiting the forum I decided to leave a hello here for your long standing MP/story. Keep up the good work.

If you have any interest in the C2C mod, I'm starting to work on it and I hope I can be called to join the mod's team

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

Spoiler This is easier than making a new spoiler for each group of images :

The war against Russia had been going on for decades, but it wasn't until the reign of Henry II that Germany took a more aggressive approach to the matter than just capturing outposts in the jungle. No, the king knew that the only way for his people to prosper was the total eradication of Russia. So he set out to capture Novgorod, a fortress in the hills sitting atop a rich source of precious metals, renowned for its beautiful architecture. The so called Shwedagon Paya would soon be his! However, his scouts reported a terrible discovery:



The Russians had acquired a seizable number of warhorses and were using them to great effect in hit and run raids against German troops. Fortunately a group of particularly brave men managed to capture a number of horse archers alive, and after a few days of torture they revealed the source of these beasts:



Greece! They were supplying our enemy with animals of war, and refused entry to any and all ambassadors from Germany. It's no matter, they will receive their divine punishment soon enough. Horses or no, the king ordered the siege of Novgorod:




After much bloodshed the city was captured, mostly due to the brilliant leadership of Nebuchadrezzar II, a nobleman and brilliant tactician from Essen. As thanks for his faithful service, the king sent him back to his hometown so that he could recruit and train more warriors.



However, while the land war was going splendidly, the German navy, beset on all sides by pirates and Russian ships, was in constant retreat:



The king himself, leaving his army behind to pacify Novgorod, returned to the palace in Berlin and called the best and most talented seafarers of the world to his court. He made his researchers focus their efforts on developing stronger and faster ships, and ordered all coastal settlements to build more and better ships. His efforts paid off:



Germany had always been a strong naval power, but it wasn't until the time of Henry II's death and the short lived reign of Lothair I that it could boast to control the largest and best navy in the world. This explosive development of seafaring created such a surplus of ships that the crown even sponsored expeditions to explore the great eastern ocean, to hopefully find an alternative route to France and Portugal that didn't pass through the territory of the hated Spaniards.

As for Lothair I's reign, well...



He was lynched by Russian protestors in Novgorod when he visited the city and insulted them by disrespecting the Shwedagon Paya. His successor Frederick IX had to put down the revolt, and after both the sea of the east and the unruly province of the west were firmly under his control, it was finally time to march on to capture the Russian capital of Moscow:



This glorious victory made Frederick IX forever famous, but ironically enough it wasn't in battle that the great conquerer of Moscow died, but in diplomacy.

Like all rulers that had in their realm a seizable minority of Muslims, he too was invited to the Apostolic Palace Election, in which the Umma chose the new Caliph. Traditionally, this was more of a rubber stamp procedure with the foregone conclusion of confirming the Queen of Spain to also be the Caliph of Islam, but not this time:




This was the first election where not only the Muslims outside of Spain outnumbered those in it, but where they dared to elect someone else as Caliph, namely the King of Portugal. While this only peripherally concerned Germany directly, as Frederick IX died a few hours before the result was made public, choking on a piece of bread, it had massive and long lasting consequences in the western half of the world, later even plunging Spain into civil war and putting a new dynasty on the throne.

His son and successor, Frederick X, wasn't concerned by any of this, for he had a bigger problem...

 

[Imperator Knoedel]

Spoiler These new forum mechanics are stupid :

Not only had some of the Russian royal family members escaped his father's wrath and made their home in St. Petersburg, they had also sworn vassalage to the Greek monarch, finally bringing Germany into direct conflict against Alexander III.



At least the German expeditions of Lothair I proved successful, as they not only found a direct naval route to France and Portugal, but even a brand new continent in the great eastern ocean. Only time will tell what shall become of this new, seemingly uninhabited, world. For now this great voyage reignited trade between Germany and France:



As for the reigns of Frederick X and his son Frederick XI there isn't much to say, there was only war, war, war, as one Russian city after another fell to the unstoppable German army, until finally...



Frederick XI had pursued the Russian royal family all the way to the arctic outpost of Smolensk, the last Russian possession in the entire world. Finally this blight could be cleansed, and Germany would finally know peace after centuries of bloodshed, except... Except he was denied the satisfaction of killing every last member of the Russian royal family himself. His most talented general, Charles, was responsible for that, personally chopping every royal's head off, the men, the women, the children. Frederick, incensed by this insult to this honor, challenged Charles to a duel, when the unthinkable happened:

Charles, a relatively minor noble, won the fight, and singlehandedly ended a dynasty that could trace its roots centuries back, for Frederick XI was young and had not yet fathered any children. And so, in the year 1400, a man named Charles ended both the Russian and German dynasties on the same day. He destroyed Russia at the price of destroying Germany as well. The nation collapsed into civil war, and Charles crowned himself Emperor Charles I of Germany, setting out to re-unite all that his predecessors had just spent decades conquering. His greatest rivals were the Taoist clergy as well as Russian rebels, so during his march through Germany he weakened the church where he could while systematically destroying all remnants of Russian culture, going even so far as renaming every single one of their former cities:



The Greeks, of course, will no doubt see an opportunity for revenge during this time of chaos:



It remains to be seen if this new Empire of Germany has a future, but if it does it will have to rely on the trade power of central commercial hubs like Hamburg and Berlin in this new interconnected world order: