improved version:
1. You sigh and say "whatever", not to be smart,
but because you're too damn tired to argue about it.
2. You stop wishing your genitalia were something
they aren't, and are just glad that you don't have
to use them for a living.
3. Same with your brain. And talent. And lower
back.
4. Liver & onions aren't half bad if properly
cooked. Trouble is, most people don't know how to
cook them.
5. Doesn't anybody know how to make a dry martini?
6. This (whatever) is just too ****ing sweet.
7. You have no motivation whatsoever to eat stuff
that is painfully spicy or causes gastric upset.
8. You know the difference between various types of
fine wines, cigars, and enemas.
9. Tough it out? The hell with that. Give me
Novacaine. Lots of Novacaine.
10. Hey! You kids! Off the lawn!
11. Snow sucks.
12. Why should I do it myself when there are so many
enthusiastic workers in the world I can pay to do it?
13. You will vote for anyone who will lower the capital
gains tax.
14. You think it's funny as hell when you see young
men wearing baggy pants with boxer shorts sticking out
the top and their baseball cap on backwards, and you
think of a drill sergeant kicking the snot out of them.
15. The public execution of villains is not as repugnant
an idea as it used to be.
16. You ponder whether medical marijuana will help your
ouchy places. Who cares if you get high?
17. You get *real* mercenary when contemplating the
opposite sex.
18. You realize that you will never have as many dogs
or cats in your life that you want.
19. You are probably going to do pretty much what you
do now for the rest of your life. But less everything.
20. When someone young and cute smiles at you, your
first thought is to check your fly.
21. If it wasn't for teevee, you would go to sleep even
earlier. As it is, you still haven't seen "The Tonight
Show" in years.
22. Judging from how things have changed in your life,
your grandparents must have been born in a cave.
23. After attending a family reunion, you wonder how
many of your kin still do.
24. You can spell words like "hemorrhoid" without
thinking about them first.
25. You really appreciate the idea that a "wild" animal
is an adult, but a "domestic" animal never emotionally
matures.