Hello, My name is Jesus

[Vandal Warlord]

Based off of Flouzemaker's amazing work, here is my story of the Israelites using World of Legends .50.

I apologize in advance to all you thoroughly religious folk in advance, as I will make quite a few jokes about Jesus and such.

Hello, my name is Jesus

-Chapters-​

In the Beginning-
A Corn a day keeps John Away-
Christianity-



THE SETTINGS


A long time ago in a galaxy far,far,far, FAR, away.....

There was Jesus​

-In the Beginning-



- *Unghhhh* That was some party.
- Yes it was sir.
- Who are you? Where am I?
- I am your chief advisor, Bahn, and this is your domain.
- Really? Cool! Except.........
- What sir?
- What's wrong with your head?
- What do you mean?
- Its.... You know....
- What?
-..........
- Spit it out, dammit!
-You look like Arnold!
- Who's Arnold?
- Never mind that Bob.
- My name is Bahn.
- That's what I said. Now, what do we do now?
-We can found our first city, ooh, I think I see a nice spot there!



- Well, what do you know! You can see!
- I'm not blind sir. I still can see out of one eye.
- Well, you've got one hell of a peeper there. Look at this stuff around us. What's that green stuff there?
- Corn, sir.
- What do we do with it?
- You eat it.
Jesus peels a corn, only to find a large hairy thing on the corn.
- Do we eat that?
- No sir, that's a worm.
- $^#@!
Jesus throws the corn. After a short time air born, the corn strikes a man running up to the pair.

-To be Continued-

Spoiler :

Just as I begin to start this story, my printer doesn't allow me scan images. So, all I can do is use paint. Therefore, the artwork is not so great.

 

[BuckyRea]

Wouldn't Jesus be able to heal Arnold's Bahn's eye?

 

[Gocho]

Wouldn't Jesus be able to heal Arnold's Bahn's eye?

Clearly Jesus is hungover from the party. I imagine miracles require a clear head.

Also yay to anyone continuing the Flouzemaker style .

 

[Vandal Warlord]

Wouldn't Jesus be able to heal Arnold's Bahn's eye?

Definatly, but right now, he's too lazy.


-A corn a day, keeps John away-

- Woa! Who is that?
- That is John Baptist, he is your religious advisor.
- Now he's got a mighty big lump on his nogan! Is that how yours got shaped like that?
- Shaped like what?
- Ouch.
- Sorry there buddy, didn't see you coming.
- That's alright Jesus.
- Wow! Those are some guns you got there!
- Do you mean my arms?
- Look more like pythons to me!
- What do you have for us John?
- Word from the north, it turns out that Moses and his buddies are having a lot of fun killing lions.

- That's good. At least someone is having fun.
- You'll have your time soon enough. Right now we have to research a new technology.
- What are my options?
- We've got, Meditation, fishing, pottery, the Wheel, polytheism...
- What's polytheism do?
- It lets you make a religion. Which in turn will make the public very happy!
- Can I make a religion about myself?
- Yes, but...
- Then get'er done, Johnny my boy!
- Very well Jesus.
- This stuff is great! Anything else I should do?
- Well, there is what we should build in our city next.
- Next? Don't you mean first?
- No, that's Adam's job. He takes care of most of the buildings and such.
- I wanna have a talk with this Adam guy, make sure he checks out and all.
- Very well sir.

-To be continued-

 

[AOS9001]

Heh heh heh... I wonder if anyone is gonna try to flame you for this... Unlikely, but it's the internet, anything is possible.

 

[Vandal Warlord]

-Christianity-
- Say Hello to Adam, Jesus.
- Hello to Adam, Jesus.
- Nice to meet you Jesus.
- So, uh... I hear you take care of building stuff.
- I am your construction advisor, yes. What would you like me to build?
- Ummm. Got any advice?
- Why not a monument to your glory?
- Wonderful!

4000 BC
Jerusalem founded- Begins Monument (30)
Research Begins- Polytheism (13)
Warrior "Moses and Friends" set to explore.

- A man by the name of Moses, along with his friends have set off to do some exploration, Jesus.
- That's Mr. Jesus to you, Babe!
- It's Bahn.
- That's what I said.

3520 BC
Research finished- Polytheism
Christianity founded in Jerusalem
Jesus converts to Christianity!

- We have finished Polytheism, your Jesusness. What shall we call this new religion?
- Call it Christianity! It shall worship me, and my father, God.
- Your father was a God?!
- I'm pretty sure. 'Cause every time I got in trouble he would smite me.
- Very well then, Mr. Jesus.

3360 BC
Islam has been founded in a distant land.
3320 BC
You have discovered Hunting!
3000 BC
You have discovered The Wheel!
Moses and Friends have been defeated in combat.
Jesus is given Quest "Holy Mountain"

- Mr. Jesus....
- Bib, call me J-Christ.
- My name is Bahn, and Moses and Friends have died.
-Well that sucks!
- Aren't you going to do anything about it?
- What do you mean?
- Well, you're Jesus! Can't you, like, revive him?
- Huh, I guess I can. Let me have a go! Aha! Say hello to Moses 2.0!
Jesus uses all of his Jesusly powers and manages to revive Moses.

-To be Continued-

 

[Vandal Warlord]

Heh heh heh... I wonder if anyone is gonna try to flame you for this... Unlikely, but it's the internet, anything is possible.

If they can't take a joke, I think it's their problem. Besides, it's not like I am publishing hate about Jesus! I am a Christian, so I love Jesus. I just wanted to make his life seem more funny.

 

[AOS9001]

If they can't take a joke, I think it's their problem. Besides, it's not like I am publishing hate about Jesus! I am a Christian, so I love Jesus. I just wanted to make his life seem more funny.

I agree. I'm just saying, with the internet, you're always going to have eccentrics. Let's hope they don't go nuts over something as trivial as this...

 

[Karalysia]

I am deeply offended by this thread. Deeply I demand you stop your hatred liberal nazi commie.

Spoiler :

Nah not really. Amusing anyway.

 

[Vandal Warlord]

I am deeply offended by this thread. Deeply I demand you stop your hatred liberal nazi commie.

Spoiler :

Nah not really. Amusing anyway.

Well, you're one third right.

But, if anyone really takes issue with this thread. Please shoot me a PM.

 

[Vandal Warlord]

Got a few very calm e-mails saying "Hey look, the story is funny, but kind of offensive." I apologize, it was not my intention to insult anyone, therefore, I am going to simply cancel the story.

Writing a comedic story isn't really my forte either so, I will go back to what I write best. Seeing as I have a lot of free time for now, expect a new story soon.

Once again, I apologize.

Nevermind.

 

[Karalysia]

Got a few very calm e-mails saying "Hey look, the story is funny, but kind of offensive." I apologize, it was not my intention to insult anyone, therefore, I am going to simply cancel the story.

Are you kidding? Come on don't do that because some fundamentalist whack jobs can't get over a love affair with their imaginary friends.

 

[Ravus_Sol]

why can't they differentiate between a high powerful spiritual being and a flat 2-d image that has the same name?

Surely no-one thinks it is Jesus and that by making pictures of him we are stealing his soul... if its just the fact that it is a little comic that makes humour about a powerful person well newspapers do that all the time. isn't it basically a part of being a powerful figure in modern day society?

Either Jesus is a real person and you accept that humans will thus be comidic about his important life (like all other important historical figures) Or he's your high powered spiritual being. In which case why read it? it's like saying porn offends you then buying all the porn magazines in the town and yelling about how they are forcing these indecent imagines on you. *sigh*

Edit: I come from a area that pushed own personal spiritual enlightenment above religious doctrine so i still can't allways get my head around this stuff. Seperating Mythos and Logos isn't that hard for me

 

[Vandal Warlord]

I agree 102%!

-Moses 2.0, Drive One-
- It's ALIEEEEEEEEVE!!!
- Unghhhh... What just happened?
- Jesus just revived you Moses. So now you can lead your friends on a great crusade to find the Holy Mountain of Sinai!
- Wonderful! I'll do that now!
__________________________

- I would like to inform you that your Science advisor is here.
- Send him in!
- A pleasure, Jesus.
- Wow! I thought Bill sent in my science advisor.
- I am your advisor.
- Oh.......... Are you single?
- I'm married to Adam. My name is Eve.
- Shoot! Ah well, what do you have for me?
- I just wanted to let you know that I have invented a wondrous device that allows us to kill people from a distance. I call it the Bejesus Omen of War. Using the Amazing Razer-Ridged Opulent Weapon.
- The Bow and Arrow? But, I do like the Bejesus part, I'll have to use that sometime.
- Thank you.
____________________________

- Ummm. J-Christ?
- I'm over that. Call me Llámame al niño con la vejiga llena!
- I hope you know that means "little boy with a full bladder."
- Curse you Google Translator!!!!!!
- Anyways, Adam has just finished a magnificent alter called the Oracle!

- That's wonderful, now can you leave? I need to think of another cool name.
- How about "Testata"?
- Yeah!

-To be continued-

 

[BuckyRea]

I'm thinking this through far deeper than it's built for. So i get the bit about Eve as science advisor--that's pretty logical. From as far back as Isaac Newton apples are associated with science and Eve practically invented the apple.

But what's the deal with Adam having turbo-saggy man boobs? That's just really disturbing...

Keep up the blasphemy. I'm loving it.

 

[katipunero]

great great. keep 'em coming! Now I wonder if I have ever popped a Jesus Christ great prophet. Hmm. Come to think of it, I never have.

 

[Vandal Warlord]

But what's the deal with Adam having turbo-saggy man boobs? That's just really disturbing...

I thought it would add flavor to the story, and a possible plot later on.

 

[Vandal Warlord]

great great. keep 'em coming! Now I wonder if I have ever popped a Jesus Christ great prophet. Hmm. Come to think of it, I never have.

Ironiclly, I have once.

 

[katipunero]

Ironiclly, I have once.

he must have given you a lot of hammers then, no? knowing well, as we all do, that he once was a great carpenter before he had a career change.

 

[Jynx]

You should be lucky that you didn't base your story on Islamic characters, if you do I would advise you not to go on the underground anytime in the next century!