Fr8monkey
Deity
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: WHAT IS P.C.?
PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Political Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.
Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC?
Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression.
Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC?
Sure. You just have to feel very guilty.
Q: WHY?
If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world- slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.
Q: HOW?
It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone.
Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?
That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.
Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?
Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of America, your living in God's country.
If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or KD Lang.
Harrass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat.
Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?!
Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!
Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?
No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't.
Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?
The general rule is as follows:
IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.
Examine the following chart:
RIGHTS / NO RIGHTS
-------- -----------
cows / cockroaches
bunnies / flies
dolphins in tuna nets / tuna in tuna nets
whales / sharks
red squirrels / gray squirrels
owls / loggers
harbor seals / barnacles
Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?
Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavour to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternate fuel source.
Q: I'M NOT SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE RIGHT. It's that simple. You are right.
Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?
Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows:
Is the confrontation between two white people?
Yes -> The liberal is right.
No -> The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.
Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, the Clarence Thomas issue, and the Saint Mary's University Carribean Society shut-down are really race issues.
Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!
Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?
It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined.
Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?
The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.
Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC.
Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin?
Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER?
No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships!
Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE? No, there are none offered to white males however, if you are a women ...oops... womyn, there should be plenty.
Q HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN?
Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean. That is, we're REALLY talking about skin color, but we're pretending that we aren't. Another example: A white South-African immigrant is not an African-American or either.
Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?
For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.
Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO?
Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases.
Q: I DON'T GET IT.
Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong.
Q: IT IS?
Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.
Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.
It IS right. That's the beauty of PC.
Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?
Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial slur.
Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.
"What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades. Not PC---it can be taken the wrong way.
In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price you pay for social equality.
Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?
Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon... Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig.
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PC LEXICON
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Insensitive Term" "Preferred Term"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-> ETHNICITY <-
(PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid)
Black - African-American
(NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE
LIBYANS, EGYPTIONS, WHITE
S-AFRICANS.
DOES INCLUDE
PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF
WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)
Oriental - Asian-American
(NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES
SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL)
Indian - Native-American
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC:
Atlanta Braves
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Chiefs
Washington Redskins
AVOID THESE CITIES!!!)
Chicano - Hispanic
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC:
Cheech and Chong
Chico and the Man episodes
Cisco Kid
Rosarita Salsa
Speedy Gonzales
AVOID! AVOID!)
White Trash - PC Unaware
Rustically Inclined
WASP (white male) - Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)
-> GENDER <-
(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)
Woman - Womyn, Vaginal-American
Girl - Pre-Womyn
Housewife - Domestic Engineer
Fireman - Firefighter
Stewardess - Flight Attendant
Meter Maid - Parking Enforcement Aduciator
Post Man - Post Person
Mail Man - Person Person
Policeman - Law Enforcement Officer
Baton Boy
Cal. Clubber
Prostitute - Sex Surrogate
(Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)
Mankind, Human - Earth Children
-> PEOPLE : SUB-GROUPS <-
Handicapped - Physically Challenged
Differently Abled
Handi-Capable
Blind - Optically Darker
Photonically Non-receptive
Deaf - Visually Oriented
Poor - Economically Unprepared
Bum - Homeless Person
Displaced Homeowner
Philosophy Major
Hunter - Animal Assassin
Meat Mercenary
Bambi Butcher
Whaler - Blubber Lovers
Old Person / Elderly - 4th-Dimentionally Extended
Gerontologically Advanced
Conservative - Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig
Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged
Bald - Comb-Free
Bisexual - Sexually Non-preferential
Midget, Dwarf - Little People
Vertically Challenged
Convict - Socially Separated
Insane People - Selectively Perceptive
Mental Explorers
Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Tree-Hugger - Environmental Activist
Logger - Wood Weasel
Paper Pirate
Treeslayer
Dead People - Dysfunctional Earth Children
Biologically Challenged
Metaphysically Challenged
-> MISCELLANEOUS <-
Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family
HouseBroken - Family Disfunction
Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
"Moo-shwitz"
Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim
Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area
Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury
Cheating (in School) - Academic Dishonesty
Used Books - Recycled Books
Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units
Gang - Youth Group
Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option
Drunk/Trashed - Spatially Perplexed
Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
Delicatessen - Corpse Farm
Charnel House
Obese - People of Mass
Gravitationally Challenged
and example of being PC
Every year, the Native American community gets their feathers in a bunch about a collection of sports teams in this country that they find offensive. The Washington Redskins, Kansas City Chiefs, Florida State Seminoles, Cleveland Indians, Atlanta Braves (especially w/ their "Tomahawk Chop"), and others are among the offensive. They claim that by naming these teams after Indians, they are promoting stereotypes about the Indian community.
When rumours were flying around that Beatles' lyrics proved that Paul McCartney was dead, some smart-ass went back through the lyrics and found evidence (as least in the sense that the Paul Is Dead lyrics were "evidence") that the other three Beatles were dead, too. And the Monkees. And I did it once for Rick Wright of Pink Floyd. So in the sense of fair play, I will go through the ranks of professional (and some popular collegiate) teams and point out how offensive they are to me, and demand that they ALL be changed. Well, not really, but you get the point. Everything's offensive to somebody, and I'm going to point out why.
The National Football League
Chicago Bears - In the gay community, large, hairy men are affectionately called "Bears." I'm not gay, and I won't stand for this blatent symbol of homosexuality in a sport with tight ends and wide receivers.
Buffalo Bills - Offensive on three counts: 1) the American unit of currency, the dollar, is commonly referred to as a "dollar bill;" thus, this name promotes the American capitalist system that promotes the class structure; 2) It reminds Republicans of Bill Clinton; and 3) Bill, or William, is a very common name, and is offensive to people who don't have common names, like Dweezil Zappa.
Cleveland Browns - RACIST! RACIST! RACIST!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Piracy is evil, people! Many men died at the hands of buccaneers like Black Bart, Blackbeard, and the rest of their kind. Do we want this kind of behavior to rise again as our children celebrate the "Buccaneer" lifestyle? Hell, no!
Arizona Cardinals - a Cardinal is a rank in the Catholic church. I am not a Catholic, and will not stand idly by while our kids are brainwashed by Catholic imagery.
San Diego Chargers - doubly offensive: 1) the military imagery of the word "Charge!" and 2) the reliance of our society on electrical power.
Kansas City Chiefs - Been there, done that.
Dallas Cowboys - Cowboys of the Wild West are responsible for a lot of the brutality towards the Native Americans in the years of our nation's expansion. The Native American community may be able to look the other way, but I won't.
Miami Dolphins - Offensive to animal rights groups because it reminds them of the dolphins killed daily by the fishing industry.
Philadelphia Eagles - The eagle is an American symbol of the so-called "freedom" American "citizens" get to "enjoy." But every time I see the eagle, I see repression of minority cultures, tyranny over smaller countries, and that egotistical "We're better than you" attitude that us Americans have for everybody else. Bleaugh.
New York Giants - What, you're saying it's preferable to be tall? What about all of the "vertically challenged" people out there? And some tall people think the term "giant" is offensive, too. So there, tough guy.
Jacksonville Jaguars - The Jaguar is a luxury automobile. It is a symbol of the rich. The rich repress the poor, which is why rich people are the only ones who can afford good seats to football games, while the poor have to watch it on network TV.
New York Jets - Jets equals Air Force, equals the supression of smaller countries by our government for the crime of having different thoughts than we do.
Green Bay Packers - More homosexual imagery! Grr... Why not "Green Bay Heterosexual Intimate Relations?" I like that much better.
Carolina Panthers - When you say the word "Panther," most people think of the Pink Panther, who is as homosexual as... well, as the Green Bay Packers and Chicago Bears. It doesn't matter that they're actually animals, if "panther" makes people think "gay," it's deviant. Call Reverend Falwell!
New England Patriots - Hello? The Militia Movement! Armies of former soldiers intent on declaring themselves autonomous collectives, free from the shackles of American government! These are REBELS, people. "New England Murderers for the Eventual Downfall of Society" is more reflective. Stop glorifying this!
Oakland Raiders - More pirate stuff! Make it stop!
St. Louis Rams - The blatent sexual imagery of the word "ram" is corrupting our youth today. I request a name change to a similar animal: The St. Louis Billy Goats.
Baltimore Ravens - The raven is a black bird, which conjures images of paganism and witchcraft that go against the belief structure of many Americans.
New Orleans Saints - More Catholic imagery. And the fleur-de-lis is a French symbol, and we all KNOW how offensive the French are.
Pittsburgh Steelers - symbolic of the Industrial Revolution, where the rape of Mother Earth first began.
Tennessee Titans - More exploitation of the tall and repression of the short. And Greek mythology is full of stuff like murder, evil scheming, and lots and lots of sex and violence.
Washington Redskins - It's been done already.
Minnesota Vikings - The Vikings were known for their cruelty and savagery on the high seas of the Great North. And if not, well, that's what everybody thinks about them. I don't want my future children rooting for a team that celebrates the plundering of the ocean.
San Fransisco 49ers - The Gold Rush of 1849 promulgated the American westward expansion, displacing entire cultures of Mexicans and Indians. But it's okay, because Whitey won those fights. Gimme a break. I'm not going to stand for this anymore.
Major League Baseball
Anaheim Angels - SOME OF US AREN'T CHRISTIAN, AND DON'T WANT TO BE BOMBARDED WITH CHRISTIAN IMAGERY WHEN WE WATCH THE GREAT AMERICAN PASTTIME! Sheesh!
Houston Astros - As the Space Race proved, the heavens belong to America. Ppppth.
Oakland Athletics - As if the deification of our sports stars merely because they can whack a ball with a stick wasn't enough, we have this. Fat kids of the world hang their heads in shame when they hear this name. Well, maybe they don't, but they should. It screams, "You don't belong with us."
Atlanta Braves - Hey, didn't we cover this in the introduction?
Milwaukee Brewers - Oh, this is too much. Kids watch baseball. Kids see Brewers. Kids are overcome with urge to drink beer. Change the name. Do it for the children.
St. Louis Cardinals - Catholicism invades baseball, too.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays - It's got the word "devil" in it. Bad! Bad! Bad!
Arizona Diamondbacks - Most Americans are afraid of snakes. This name taunts them.
Los Angeles Dodgers - Draft dodgers, perhaps? Teaching our kids to openly defy the government in time of war? Grrrr...
Montreal Expos - Expo = exposition = wasting the taxpayer's money for glorification of the city and the elected officials who happened to be in office at the time.
San Fransisco Giants - More of the same...
Cleveland Indians - Yawn.
Seattle Mariners - Hard workers making a living, or conquistadores of the high seas? The fish don't like baseball. Maybe team names like this are why.
New York Mets - Mets means "metropolitans," which of course is a symbol of big cities keeping humanity away from nature, expect when it's time to KILL MORE TREES!
San Diego Padres - A hidden Catholic reference - "padre" is Spanish for "Father."
Phildelphia Phillies - "Fillies" is a derogatory term often hurled at women. The creative "Ph" spelling isn't going to hide that.
Pittsburgh Pirates - More glorification of the pirate lifestyle.
Cincinnati Reds - Communism is alive and well in Cincinnati, with a team called the Reds. Marge Schott was the owner, too, and we all KNOW about her.
Texas Rangers - More celebration of oppressive authority.
Kansas City Royals - This team name promotes rebellion and the institution of a monarchy in our great land.
Minnesota Twins - So because someone's a twin, that makes them.... weird? Different? You know, the Nazis used twins in medical experiments, so maybe it's not such a good idea to go around yelling about this stuff. Change it to something more Minnesotan, like the Frozen Lakes or something.
Chicago White Sox - Why's it gotta be white?
New York Yankees - Offensive to Southerners, many of whom have ancestors who died at the hands of the Union in the War of Northern Aggression.
National Hockey League
Anaheim Mighty Ducks - This name is offensive to anyone who considers hockey a serious sport.
Atlanta Thrashers - Thrashers reminds me of muggers. Inner city violence. Do we want to glorify this?
Boston Bruins - Bruins... Bears... gay!
Buffalo Sabres - More violence... Washington changed their backetball team name from the Bullets because it was a violent name. But apparently sending a message of swordfighting to our youth is okay.
Calgary Flames - And hockey has a reputation for being a brute sport... not with all the homosexual imagery taunting conservative Christian groups!
Carolina Hurricanes - Offensive to residents of the Eastern Seaboard, for whom hurricanes are a seasonal fear.
Chicago Blackhawks - Indians. But the Native Americans never seem to make a big deal out of them. Don't really know why.
Colorado Avalanche - Do you know how many families are affected every year by massive unexpected snow?
Columbus Blue Jackets - Offensive because... well, it's so LAME.
Dallas Stars - Oh, as if athletes weren't already aware of their celebrity status? How about the Portland Prima Donnas next? Stop rubbing it in the little man's face.
Detroit Red Wings - Satanic thoughts run rampant whenver Red is involved.
Edmonton Oilers - The rape of Mother Earth's resources continues. Oiling industry ruins the environment. Exxon Valdez much?
Florida Panthers - Subtle - but the American psyche has burned the image of the (gay) Pink Panther into its collective consciousness.
Los Angeles Kings - Let's not show support for patriarchy.
Minnesota Wild - Offensive to parents of children with ADD.
Montreal Canadiens - Hated by people who don't speak French... like most of Canada.
Nashville Predators - Glorifying sexual criminals is NOT a good way to bring the NHL to families. Except maybe inbred ones.
New Jersey Devils - SAAAAAAAAAAAATAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
New York Islanders - Offensive to people from islands in the Carribean.
New York Rangers - Offensive to people who like setting bonfires in the woods and hunting eagles.
Ottawa Senators - Supporting the status quo and pissing off anarchaic revolutionaries.
Philadelphia Flyers - In the post 9/11 world, anything that reminds us of airplanes is bad.
Phoenix Coyotes - Offensive to people who are scared of the wilderness.
Pittsburgh Penguins - Offensive to people who have to wear tuxedos on a regular basis. Plus how many Penguins are native to Pennsylvania?
San Jose Sharks - Ever listen to "Fins" by Jimmy Buffett? More male-dominated sexual bs.
St. Louis Blues - If I'm depressed, do I want to root for a team that reminds me of my emotional state?
Tampa Bay Lightning - Offensive to people who fear severe weather.
Toronto Maple Leafs - Maple leafs... isn't that what they make weed from?
Vancouver Canucks - Offensive to those who wonder what the hell a Canuck is.
Washington Capitals - More support for the oppresive governments of the world.
Q: WHAT IS P.C.?
PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Political Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.
Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC?
Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression.
Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC?
Sure. You just have to feel very guilty.
Q: WHY?
If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world- slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.
Q: HOW?
It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone.
Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?
That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.
Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?
Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of America, your living in God's country.
If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or KD Lang.
Harrass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat.
Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?!
Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!
Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?
No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't.
Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?
The general rule is as follows:
IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.
Examine the following chart:
RIGHTS / NO RIGHTS
-------- -----------
cows / cockroaches
bunnies / flies
dolphins in tuna nets / tuna in tuna nets
whales / sharks
red squirrels / gray squirrels
owls / loggers
harbor seals / barnacles
Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?
Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavour to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternate fuel source.
Q: I'M NOT SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE RIGHT. It's that simple. You are right.
Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?
Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows:
Is the confrontation between two white people?
Yes -> The liberal is right.
No -> The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.
Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, the Clarence Thomas issue, and the Saint Mary's University Carribean Society shut-down are really race issues.
Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!
Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?
It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined.
Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?
The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.
Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC.
Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin?
Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER?
No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships!
Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE? No, there are none offered to white males however, if you are a women ...oops... womyn, there should be plenty.
Q HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN?
Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean. That is, we're REALLY talking about skin color, but we're pretending that we aren't. Another example: A white South-African immigrant is not an African-American or either.
Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?
For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.
Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO?
Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases.
Q: I DON'T GET IT.
Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong.
Q: IT IS?
Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.
Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.
It IS right. That's the beauty of PC.
Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?
Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial slur.
Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.
"What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades. Not PC---it can be taken the wrong way.
In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price you pay for social equality.
Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?
Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon... Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig.
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PC LEXICON
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"Insensitive Term" "Preferred Term"
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-> ETHNICITY <-
(PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid)
Black - African-American
(NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE
LIBYANS, EGYPTIONS, WHITE
S-AFRICANS.
DOES INCLUDE
PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF
WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)
Oriental - Asian-American
(NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES
SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL)
Indian - Native-American
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC:
Atlanta Braves
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Chiefs
Washington Redskins
AVOID THESE CITIES!!!)
Chicano - Hispanic
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC:
Cheech and Chong
Chico and the Man episodes
Cisco Kid
Rosarita Salsa
Speedy Gonzales
AVOID! AVOID!)
White Trash - PC Unaware
Rustically Inclined
WASP (white male) - Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)
-> GENDER <-
(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)
Woman - Womyn, Vaginal-American
Girl - Pre-Womyn
Housewife - Domestic Engineer
Fireman - Firefighter
Stewardess - Flight Attendant
Meter Maid - Parking Enforcement Aduciator
Post Man - Post Person
Mail Man - Person Person
Policeman - Law Enforcement Officer
Baton Boy
Cal. Clubber
Prostitute - Sex Surrogate
(Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)
Mankind, Human - Earth Children
-> PEOPLE : SUB-GROUPS <-
Handicapped - Physically Challenged
Differently Abled
Handi-Capable
Blind - Optically Darker
Photonically Non-receptive
Deaf - Visually Oriented
Poor - Economically Unprepared
Bum - Homeless Person
Displaced Homeowner
Philosophy Major
Hunter - Animal Assassin
Meat Mercenary
Bambi Butcher
Whaler - Blubber Lovers
Old Person / Elderly - 4th-Dimentionally Extended
Gerontologically Advanced
Conservative - Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig
Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged
Bald - Comb-Free
Bisexual - Sexually Non-preferential
Midget, Dwarf - Little People
Vertically Challenged
Convict - Socially Separated
Insane People - Selectively Perceptive
Mental Explorers
Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Tree-Hugger - Environmental Activist
Logger - Wood Weasel
Paper Pirate
Treeslayer
Dead People - Dysfunctional Earth Children
Biologically Challenged
Metaphysically Challenged
-> MISCELLANEOUS <-
Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family
HouseBroken - Family Disfunction
Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
"Moo-shwitz"
Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim
Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area
Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury
Cheating (in School) - Academic Dishonesty
Used Books - Recycled Books
Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units
Gang - Youth Group
Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option
Drunk/Trashed - Spatially Perplexed
Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
Delicatessen - Corpse Farm
Charnel House
Obese - People of Mass
Gravitationally Challenged
and example of being PC
Every year, the Native American community gets their feathers in a bunch about a collection of sports teams in this country that they find offensive. The Washington Redskins, Kansas City Chiefs, Florida State Seminoles, Cleveland Indians, Atlanta Braves (especially w/ their "Tomahawk Chop"), and others are among the offensive. They claim that by naming these teams after Indians, they are promoting stereotypes about the Indian community.
When rumours were flying around that Beatles' lyrics proved that Paul McCartney was dead, some smart-ass went back through the lyrics and found evidence (as least in the sense that the Paul Is Dead lyrics were "evidence") that the other three Beatles were dead, too. And the Monkees. And I did it once for Rick Wright of Pink Floyd. So in the sense of fair play, I will go through the ranks of professional (and some popular collegiate) teams and point out how offensive they are to me, and demand that they ALL be changed. Well, not really, but you get the point. Everything's offensive to somebody, and I'm going to point out why.
The National Football League
Chicago Bears - In the gay community, large, hairy men are affectionately called "Bears." I'm not gay, and I won't stand for this blatent symbol of homosexuality in a sport with tight ends and wide receivers.
Buffalo Bills - Offensive on three counts: 1) the American unit of currency, the dollar, is commonly referred to as a "dollar bill;" thus, this name promotes the American capitalist system that promotes the class structure; 2) It reminds Republicans of Bill Clinton; and 3) Bill, or William, is a very common name, and is offensive to people who don't have common names, like Dweezil Zappa.
Cleveland Browns - RACIST! RACIST! RACIST!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Piracy is evil, people! Many men died at the hands of buccaneers like Black Bart, Blackbeard, and the rest of their kind. Do we want this kind of behavior to rise again as our children celebrate the "Buccaneer" lifestyle? Hell, no!
Arizona Cardinals - a Cardinal is a rank in the Catholic church. I am not a Catholic, and will not stand idly by while our kids are brainwashed by Catholic imagery.
San Diego Chargers - doubly offensive: 1) the military imagery of the word "Charge!" and 2) the reliance of our society on electrical power.
Kansas City Chiefs - Been there, done that.
Dallas Cowboys - Cowboys of the Wild West are responsible for a lot of the brutality towards the Native Americans in the years of our nation's expansion. The Native American community may be able to look the other way, but I won't.
Miami Dolphins - Offensive to animal rights groups because it reminds them of the dolphins killed daily by the fishing industry.
Philadelphia Eagles - The eagle is an American symbol of the so-called "freedom" American "citizens" get to "enjoy." But every time I see the eagle, I see repression of minority cultures, tyranny over smaller countries, and that egotistical "We're better than you" attitude that us Americans have for everybody else. Bleaugh.
New York Giants - What, you're saying it's preferable to be tall? What about all of the "vertically challenged" people out there? And some tall people think the term "giant" is offensive, too. So there, tough guy.
Jacksonville Jaguars - The Jaguar is a luxury automobile. It is a symbol of the rich. The rich repress the poor, which is why rich people are the only ones who can afford good seats to football games, while the poor have to watch it on network TV.
New York Jets - Jets equals Air Force, equals the supression of smaller countries by our government for the crime of having different thoughts than we do.
Green Bay Packers - More homosexual imagery! Grr... Why not "Green Bay Heterosexual Intimate Relations?" I like that much better.
Carolina Panthers - When you say the word "Panther," most people think of the Pink Panther, who is as homosexual as... well, as the Green Bay Packers and Chicago Bears. It doesn't matter that they're actually animals, if "panther" makes people think "gay," it's deviant. Call Reverend Falwell!
New England Patriots - Hello? The Militia Movement! Armies of former soldiers intent on declaring themselves autonomous collectives, free from the shackles of American government! These are REBELS, people. "New England Murderers for the Eventual Downfall of Society" is more reflective. Stop glorifying this!
Oakland Raiders - More pirate stuff! Make it stop!
St. Louis Rams - The blatent sexual imagery of the word "ram" is corrupting our youth today. I request a name change to a similar animal: The St. Louis Billy Goats.
Baltimore Ravens - The raven is a black bird, which conjures images of paganism and witchcraft that go against the belief structure of many Americans.
New Orleans Saints - More Catholic imagery. And the fleur-de-lis is a French symbol, and we all KNOW how offensive the French are.
Pittsburgh Steelers - symbolic of the Industrial Revolution, where the rape of Mother Earth first began.
Tennessee Titans - More exploitation of the tall and repression of the short. And Greek mythology is full of stuff like murder, evil scheming, and lots and lots of sex and violence.
Washington Redskins - It's been done already.
Minnesota Vikings - The Vikings were known for their cruelty and savagery on the high seas of the Great North. And if not, well, that's what everybody thinks about them. I don't want my future children rooting for a team that celebrates the plundering of the ocean.
San Fransisco 49ers - The Gold Rush of 1849 promulgated the American westward expansion, displacing entire cultures of Mexicans and Indians. But it's okay, because Whitey won those fights. Gimme a break. I'm not going to stand for this anymore.
Major League Baseball
Anaheim Angels - SOME OF US AREN'T CHRISTIAN, AND DON'T WANT TO BE BOMBARDED WITH CHRISTIAN IMAGERY WHEN WE WATCH THE GREAT AMERICAN PASTTIME! Sheesh!
Houston Astros - As the Space Race proved, the heavens belong to America. Ppppth.
Oakland Athletics - As if the deification of our sports stars merely because they can whack a ball with a stick wasn't enough, we have this. Fat kids of the world hang their heads in shame when they hear this name. Well, maybe they don't, but they should. It screams, "You don't belong with us."
Atlanta Braves - Hey, didn't we cover this in the introduction?
Milwaukee Brewers - Oh, this is too much. Kids watch baseball. Kids see Brewers. Kids are overcome with urge to drink beer. Change the name. Do it for the children.
St. Louis Cardinals - Catholicism invades baseball, too.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays - It's got the word "devil" in it. Bad! Bad! Bad!
Arizona Diamondbacks - Most Americans are afraid of snakes. This name taunts them.
Los Angeles Dodgers - Draft dodgers, perhaps? Teaching our kids to openly defy the government in time of war? Grrrr...
Montreal Expos - Expo = exposition = wasting the taxpayer's money for glorification of the city and the elected officials who happened to be in office at the time.
San Fransisco Giants - More of the same...
Cleveland Indians - Yawn.
Seattle Mariners - Hard workers making a living, or conquistadores of the high seas? The fish don't like baseball. Maybe team names like this are why.
New York Mets - Mets means "metropolitans," which of course is a symbol of big cities keeping humanity away from nature, expect when it's time to KILL MORE TREES!
San Diego Padres - A hidden Catholic reference - "padre" is Spanish for "Father."
Phildelphia Phillies - "Fillies" is a derogatory term often hurled at women. The creative "Ph" spelling isn't going to hide that.
Pittsburgh Pirates - More glorification of the pirate lifestyle.
Cincinnati Reds - Communism is alive and well in Cincinnati, with a team called the Reds. Marge Schott was the owner, too, and we all KNOW about her.
Texas Rangers - More celebration of oppressive authority.
Kansas City Royals - This team name promotes rebellion and the institution of a monarchy in our great land.
Minnesota Twins - So because someone's a twin, that makes them.... weird? Different? You know, the Nazis used twins in medical experiments, so maybe it's not such a good idea to go around yelling about this stuff. Change it to something more Minnesotan, like the Frozen Lakes or something.
Chicago White Sox - Why's it gotta be white?
New York Yankees - Offensive to Southerners, many of whom have ancestors who died at the hands of the Union in the War of Northern Aggression.
National Hockey League
Anaheim Mighty Ducks - This name is offensive to anyone who considers hockey a serious sport.
Atlanta Thrashers - Thrashers reminds me of muggers. Inner city violence. Do we want to glorify this?
Boston Bruins - Bruins... Bears... gay!
Buffalo Sabres - More violence... Washington changed their backetball team name from the Bullets because it was a violent name. But apparently sending a message of swordfighting to our youth is okay.
Calgary Flames - And hockey has a reputation for being a brute sport... not with all the homosexual imagery taunting conservative Christian groups!
Carolina Hurricanes - Offensive to residents of the Eastern Seaboard, for whom hurricanes are a seasonal fear.
Chicago Blackhawks - Indians. But the Native Americans never seem to make a big deal out of them. Don't really know why.
Colorado Avalanche - Do you know how many families are affected every year by massive unexpected snow?
Columbus Blue Jackets - Offensive because... well, it's so LAME.
Dallas Stars - Oh, as if athletes weren't already aware of their celebrity status? How about the Portland Prima Donnas next? Stop rubbing it in the little man's face.
Detroit Red Wings - Satanic thoughts run rampant whenver Red is involved.
Edmonton Oilers - The rape of Mother Earth's resources continues. Oiling industry ruins the environment. Exxon Valdez much?
Florida Panthers - Subtle - but the American psyche has burned the image of the (gay) Pink Panther into its collective consciousness.
Los Angeles Kings - Let's not show support for patriarchy.
Minnesota Wild - Offensive to parents of children with ADD.
Montreal Canadiens - Hated by people who don't speak French... like most of Canada.
Nashville Predators - Glorifying sexual criminals is NOT a good way to bring the NHL to families. Except maybe inbred ones.
New Jersey Devils - SAAAAAAAAAAAATAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
New York Islanders - Offensive to people from islands in the Carribean.
New York Rangers - Offensive to people who like setting bonfires in the woods and hunting eagles.
Ottawa Senators - Supporting the status quo and pissing off anarchaic revolutionaries.
Philadelphia Flyers - In the post 9/11 world, anything that reminds us of airplanes is bad.
Phoenix Coyotes - Offensive to people who are scared of the wilderness.
Pittsburgh Penguins - Offensive to people who have to wear tuxedos on a regular basis. Plus how many Penguins are native to Pennsylvania?
San Jose Sharks - Ever listen to "Fins" by Jimmy Buffett? More male-dominated sexual bs.
St. Louis Blues - If I'm depressed, do I want to root for a team that reminds me of my emotional state?
Tampa Bay Lightning - Offensive to people who fear severe weather.
Toronto Maple Leafs - Maple leafs... isn't that what they make weed from?
Vancouver Canucks - Offensive to those who wonder what the hell a Canuck is.
Washington Capitals - More support for the oppresive governments of the world.
how long did it take you to create all this!
