Nation Jokes

[Paasky]

Post any jokes with people from different countries, ie:

A Norweigan, Swede, Russian and Finn had a competition of who had the largest national object. First the Swede said: We have so much bread, that it can feed the entire Swedish people. The Norweigan said: We have such a big helmet, that every Norweigan fits under it. The Russian said: we have such a huge flag that it can go over entire Russia. Finally the Finn said: We have such a huge lion, that it eats the bread, poops into the helmet, and wipes its but with the flag.

No offense to anyone

 

[allhailIndia]

I've heard similar one except its an Indian elephant, American bread, Chinese Flag and Russian helmet or some such combo

 

[Lopex]

A English, German and Dutch explorer are captured by a native trive in the jungle of Africa. They are brought before the chieftain of the tribe. After some delibiration it is decided that they will be thrown out of the tribe's territory after a punishment for trespassing of 50 strokes with a wooden stick on the back. But, before the punishment 1 request will be awarded.

The Englishman is the first to go. When the tribe asks him about his request he answers that he wants to have a pillow tied to his back during the punishment. So it is done and after 50 strokes the Englishman is clearly in a lot of pain.
The German is next. He requests for a matrass to be tied to his back during the punishment. So it is done and after 50 strokes he is still in a lot of pain but considerably less than the Englishman.

The Dutchman is the last to be punished. He says: Before making my request I want to ask for a double punishment. The chieftain looks amused and aswers that he than shall have 100 strokes with the stick. When asked about his request the Dutchman answers: "Please tye the german to my back"

 

[WickedSmurf]

At a sky scraper construction site there worked and Italian, a Mexican and a Norwegian (of course )
They were working at the top levels and were well supplied with construction material, tools and coffee and food.

One when the Italian opens his lunch box he shouts
-Godamnit! Pizza againa todaya! Be there pizza in the boxa tomorrowa I'a jumpa froma tha buildinga!

Then the Mexican opens his box..
-Damnit! Tacos again! I say like you said, same food tomorrow again and I jump too!

Then the Norwegian with his lunsjpakke:
-Fish again! I'm with you guys, same food again and let's jump!

The next day, the Italian checks his lunch box. Pizza. He throws away the box and plunges off.

The Mexican opens his box and what do you know.. Tacos! He jumps.

Finally the Norwegian sees the fish in his lunch box and he follows his pals.

At the funeral next week the three widows have a conversation:

-I don't understand, I thought he loved his pizza, the Italian widow says.

-Same here, says the Mexican widow, I would have given him whatever he wanted if he only told me...

-I don't understand anything at all, proclaims the Norwegian widow, my husband always made his lunch box himself!

 

[Paasky]

Originally posted by WickedSmurf

-I don't understand anything at all, proclaims the Norwegian widow, my husband always made his lunch box himself!

now what's the idea in this joke? In our jokes, the Finn always does something intelligent, but here... Aaaaah! Now I get it! You're a swede.

This is the most told joke in Finland, and the first one I remember hearing:

A Norweigan, A Swede, and a Finn go into a sauna, and compete on who stays inside the longest. First goes the Swede, who stays in for 1 hour and comes out.
Then goes the Norweigan, who stays inside for 2 hours.
Last goes in the Finn, and after 12hours, the other two come to see, is he dead or something. When they open the door, the finn says: My balls are stuck!

This is SO old, that it's just totally stupid.

 

[Wolfe Tone]

I feel obliged to post this one

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds,
"Look Gabriel, look what I've made."

Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said,
"What is it?"

"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries.

And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly.
And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot.
Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe,
"What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's Ireland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty.
The people make a drink called Whiskey which means "The Water of Life".
The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be
found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said
"You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely.
"Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next to them!".


I am so tempeted to post a few French jokes but I know they will be frowned apon.

 

[h4ppy]

Originally posted by Wolfe Tone
I am so tempeted to post a few French jokes but I know they will be frowned apon.

Oh, please do.

edit- VVV-At least we don't have your atrocious accent.

 

[Chairman Meow]

Originally posted by Wolfe Tone


"Ah" said God. "That's Ireland, the most glorious place on Earth.
...
"Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next to them!".

The version I heard used Pennsylvania and New Jersey. The Ireland version is better though. Pennsylvanians are jerks.

 

[Lord Draegon]

Originally posted by WickedSmurf
At a sky scraper construction site there worked and Italian, a Mexican and a Norwegian (of course )
They were working at the top levels and were well supplied with construction material, tools and coffee and food.

One when the Italian opens his lunch box he shouts
-Godamnit! Pizza againa todaya! Be there pizza in the boxa tomorrowa I'a jumpa froma tha buildinga!

Then the Mexican opens his box..
-Damnit! Tacos again! I say like you said, same food tomorrow again and I jump too!

Then the Norwegian with his lunsjpakke:
-Fish again! I'm with you guys, same food again and let's jump!

The next day, the Italian checks his lunch box. Pizza. He throws away the box and plunges off.

The Mexican opens his box and what do you know.. Tacos! He jumps.

Finally the Norwegian sees the fish in his lunch box and he follows his pals.

At the funeral next week the three widows have a conversation:

-I don't understand, I thought he loved his pizza, the Italian widow says.

-Same here, says the Mexican widow, I would have given him whatever he wanted if he only told me...

-I don't understand anything at all, proclaims the Norwegian widow, my husband always made his lunch box himself!

Ive heard this one before except for it was a Texan with a pbj sandwich

 

[MattII]

An Australian a Chinese and a New Zealander are in a bar together and all are carrying pistols, and all order a small glass of Vodka. When he is finished the Chinese throws the glas in the air, pulls out his gun and blows it to bits, proclaiming "there are so many of those in China that we never have to drink out of the same one twice". The same happens with the Australian (but country names change). As soon as he's finished the NZer pulls out his gun and shoots the Chinese and says to the Australian "there are so many of those in NZ that we never have to drink with the same one twice".

 

[Paasky]

A Finn, a Swede, and a Norweigan had a competition who could walk the farthest on a barbedwire fence before saying ouch.
First went the Swede, who walked a few steps before yelling OUCH!
Second went the Norweigan who walked a whole five steps before yelling OUCH!
Last went the Finn, who walked fast, and all the time yelled: Aargh! Au! Dam! etc...

Nice ones folks, they really show how much we love our neighbors!

 

[Aphex_Twin]

An old one.

On a boat in the middle of the ocean there were Bush (senior), Gorbachev and Ceausescu. With them there were three soldiers acting as bodyguards, John, Ivan and Ion. To boast about the qualities of the Russian soldier, Gorbachev orders one soldier to jump into the water and bring a shark aboard. Ivan jumps quickly and brings them a shark. Then Bush orders John to jump too, and bring two sharks. John jumps and brings aboard two sharks. Ceausescu, not to be neglected, told the two: "Bah, in Romania this is woman's work". He continued: "Ion, jump into the water and bring ten sharks", at which Ion replyed: "Let your mamma jump!". Ceausescu then:"You see, I told you it's woman's work".

 

[Aphex_Twin]

One Romanian upset he was short of cash and in a foreign country enters a restaurant. At one table, one large group of men with large beards and dressed in green. After they ate and drank, the waiter came with the bill, but they stood up and proclaimed "Adepto del Fidel Castro". The waiter bowed and they were allowed to leave. The next day, the Romanian goes to the same restaurant, dressed in green, eats and drinks like a king. At the end, the waiter comes with the bill, at which he says: "Adepto del Fidel Castro!". The waiter then: "But where is your beard". Then the Romanian stands up, drops his pants and says "Agento secreto!".

 

[CIVPhilzilla]

I love all of these

 

[Pariah]

Theone about the packed lunches and suicides: I've heard it, involving and English, Scotsman & Irishman (the one who made his own packed luch).

A cruise ship sank near a deserted island, and 12 survivors managed to swim ashore: 2 Italian men with 1 woman, 2 Greek men with 1 woman, 2 German men with 1 woman, and 2 English men with 1 woman.

3 months later, another ship arrived to rescue them. Upon coming ashore, the sailors found that:

One of the Italian men had killed the other in a dual over the Italian woman;
the 2 Greek men were sleeping together, while the woman did all the cooking and cleaning;
the German woman had devised a methodical rota, to divide her attentions equally between the 2 German men;
but the 2 English men & 1 English woman hadn't even spoken since they arrived, because nobody had bothered to introduce them to each other.

 

[Aramazd]

these are great

 

[SuperBeaverInc.]

One day, a Frenchman, an Englishman, and a beautiful young girl from Germany are sitting on a train in the middle of Europe. The train enters a dark tunnel, and nothing can be seen. Suddenly, there is a kissing sound, followed by a loud smack. As they exit the tunnel, the German girl thinks, "The Frenchman must have tried to kiss me, but kissed the Englishman instead and got smacked". The Frenchman thinks, "The Englishman must have tried to kiss the German girl, and she slapped me instead of him by mistake". The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait until we get to another tunnel so I can make kissing sounds and smack the Frenchman again".

 

[Rik Meleet]

An American, an English and a Chinese sailor get shipwrecked and endup on a deserted island. The American takes command. He says: "I take care of the food, the Englishman goes out and collects firewood and the Chinese takes care of the supplies". They all agree and go out into the jungle.

After 2 hours the American is back at the camp and has some coconuts and berries. The Englishman dosen't come back a lot later, with a large stack of wood. They wait for the Chinese.
After an hour they get worried, but decide to keep waiting. Another hour passes and they are really worried, but still decide to wait. After 3 hours they decide to go search the Chinese. Together they walk through the jungle. Suddenly the Chinese jumps out of a tree in front of them and shouts:

"Supplise !!!"

 

[lbhhh]

Great stuff Keep em coming!

 

[SoCalian]

Not really about counties, more of a racial joke(and that's all, just a Joke):

What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill?

Avalance

What do you call a bunch of Mexican people running down a hill?

Mudslide

What do you call a bunch of black people running down a hill?

Jail break