Do You Cry?

[Zardnaar]

I was reading a thread about how expressive people from different cultures are. At least in public.

I was a child of the 80s, (born 78). Anyway we were kind of raised to be stoic.

This meant.

Children seen not heard.
Don't cry or at least without good reason.
Don't be a sissy
Man up
Etc etc etc.

So not very expressive at least in public. Last year my mother passed after a 3 year battle with cancer. I got a message at work, asked to leave (they knew why) got a taxi home sent a message to my partner and she came home.

Grieved in private in the bedroom. Totally didn't cry honest. She passed that night. Next day woke up late, and a heap of texts from sister so rung her and found out the news. Let my partner know and she cried at work and got sent home.

Totally did not cry at all. Honest. Not at all. Totally honest. Once again in private.

So back home to small town New Zealand. Few days of killing time until funeral. My mother left me a note and I couldn't read it all. The ink got blurry for some reason (I cried like a little girl). Kind of in private was slumped up against a wall my partner gave me space along with my sister. Not one for hugs in that type of situation. Worst day of my life perhaps worse than the funeral.

That rolled around, stone face. My brother had tears in his eyes, along with my uncle. Not a sniffle though. Never seen either one cry. We men carried the coffin out (mum made a list of pall bearers) out. My niece tried but she's 10 and couldn't.

Afterwards the booze comes out. And various people came along and said words like "you took that well".

Now things are changing. We're supposed to express ourselves and there's not really any stigma if you cry at a funeral. But the informal "you took that well" and "she'll be right" attitude is are still present at least in gen Xer's and older.

Now obviously if a kid hurts themselves they cry, women do sometimes while drunk, but once the males hit around age 12 or so it seems to stop. Unless they break their arm but I have seen arms cut open to the bone no crying though.

 

[Zkribbler]

I cry at movies A LOT. I've cried at the loss of women.

I didn't cry when either of my parents died. I only got emotional twice when cleaning out my dad's house: when I threw out his dentures and when I threw out his glasses.

My invalid mom spent six years in ever-increasing pain. Her death was a blessing. DON'T SMOKE!

I probably shed tears when I remember my sadist working situation in the US. I'm still permeated with fury.

 

[Narz]

I cry a few times a decade.

When I was 13 my dad decided it would be a good idea for me to goto boarding school. I hated it. But I absolutely could not let myself cry in front of my ahole roommate so I didn't.

I got in the habit of sucking it back into my eye sockets.

It's still very hard for me. Surprisingly I cried in front of a woman on a 1st date in Panama, now she's in love w me.

I have to be caught off guard. I cried my eyes out (in some woods away from people) after witnessing some teenagers run over a man walking his bicycle across the street. For many reasons. The shock. The fact they he literally walked out of the same parking lot as me. The fact that it was so unfair and awful, he looked so innocent, middle aged Hispanic man, probably had a family. I saw the faces of the kids who did it, utter shock, from not-paying attention carefreeness to total frozen horror. It could've been me who got run over, I was not being very present, caught up in my head, the other guy just happened to cross the street when he did and I'd planned to cross later.

My daughter is 11, she doesn't cry much in my presence but I wouldn't shame her for it if she did. I'll admit I am uncomfortable w it (in others and myself) but I try to be supportive.

I didn't cry when my father died, still don't feel much. Of course I didn't care much for my dad but still, you'd think I'd feel something.

Maybe someday I'll trip out in the woods and cry for hours and release a bunch of repression and be a changed man. Not holding my breathe on that tho

 

[Lemon Merchant]

I cry more now than I ever did when I was a young girl. I learned very early to take the strap without making a sound, because crying would only make it worse and last longer. My mother grooved on that sort of thing. The harder I cried, the harder the belt would hit me and the longer it would last, basically until I couldn't breathe.

I tear up at movies and the news sometimes, and occasionally I will have a good cry over something. I don't have to be stoic, I'm female and it's allowed, which is the stupidest thing I can think of. Men should be socially allowed to express emotion. They aren't "sissies" if they cry. They are human beings with feelings. They shouldn't have to hide and grieve in private. Getting it out is healthy.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

I didn't cry when my father died, still don't feel much. Of course I didn't care much for my dad but still, you'd think I'd feel something.

Sometimes it can take awhile. As in years, or even decades. It took 15 years after my grandfather died, to even begin to forgive some of the things he said to me. There's a lot that I don't excuse even today, but I do have more perspective about it now. The only family picture I have up in my living room is my grandparents' wedding photo.

I'm still grieving my dad, who died earlier this year. Or I should say his body died. His mind died a long time ago, and it infuriates me when I see one or another of his former caregivers tell me that "I really got to know him."

No, they didn't. They never knew the man he was before he had to go into care. They got to know the man who struggled with dementia for 12 years, and who couldn't remember anything about his life other than he had a daughter with "kids" (his way of remembering the cats, although he couldn't remember specifics; it confused the nurses, who thought he had grandchildren).

Finally he couldn't even remember me. The last few times I saw him, I was a stranger to him (I'm tearing up, just typing this).

Sometimes a sad memory will make me cry. It certainly happened a lot in the weeks following my dad's death.


Otherwise, I'll cry over a piece of music that I find particularly beautiful or sad, and so help me, I even cried when plotting out the funeral for one of my characters in the novel I'm writing (noble character who had a tragic, undeserved death).

 

[Narz]

I even cried when plotting out the funeral for one of my characters in the novel I'm writing (noble character who had a tragic, undeserved death).

You could've stopped it!

 

[Zardnaar]

I cry more now than I ever did when I was a young girl. I learned very early to take the strap without making a sound, because crying would only make it worse and last longer. My mother grooved on that sort of thing. The harder I cried, the harder the belt would hit me and the longer it would last, basically until I couldn't breathe.

I tear up at movies and the news sometimes, and occasionally I will have a good cry over something. I don't have to be stoic, I'm female and it's allowed, which is the stupidest thing I can think of. Men should be socially allowed to express emotion. They aren't "sissies" if they cry. They are human beings with feelings. They shouldn't have to hide and grieve in private. Getting it out is healthy.

I only ever got the strap once. It was for throwing stones and that killed mum's brother when they were kids.

It was the biggest no no when I was a kid.

 

[hobbsyoyo]

I rarely cry and when I do it's mostly sniffles. When my grandmother died, I ugly cried for days, really lost it.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

You could've stopped it!

Actually, I couldn't. My novel is based on a game, and that character's in-game death is an important part of why the events happened as they did. If he'd remained alive, characters would have made different decisions, based on different thoughts and emotions, and the story would have turned out differently.

I think the game developers didn't pay enough attention to that character, honestly. They didn't even give him a first name, so I decided to give him one, and wrote a backstory for him. He had a very loving family, was a just and fair Duke, and totally didn't deserve what the villains did to him. His only blind spot was his love for his foster son - someone he loved as his own child, but waited too long to tell that foster son what was going on... and was murdered before getting around to it.

After things get sorted out, there are a couple of funerals that need to happen - the one for the old King (this story revolves around the assassination of the King's son 31 years before the assassination of the King himself; both murders were carried out by the same person), and the one for the Duke. And since I came to really like the Duke (even though his procrastination led to some awful things happening), I wrote him a sentimental funeral. It's in the game that he served honorably and was the King's favorite advisor, so it's not a stretch to say that he was popular among his peers and loved by his family. All this, along with some of Enya's music running through my mind, led to me sitting here thinking about it and I just started bawling.

Keep in mind that this was after my dad died, so I had that on my mind as well.

 

[Synobun]

I ugly-cry infrequently. I wish I did it more, but it's not something I can force. I did it a couple weeks ago. Before then it'd been years.

I tear up quite a lot, however. Usually with any emotional scene in a show or movie, especially if I care about the characters.

I never really bought into the whole "Men shouldn't cry." thing, but I admit to not really liking it when people, of any gender, cry in public. There's just something so inappropriately vulnerable about it. Which doesn't even make sense, but there it is.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

I never really bought into the whole "Men shouldn't cry." thing, but I admit to not really liking it when people, of any gender, cry in public. There's just something so inappropriately vulnerable about it. Which doesn't even make sense, but there it is.

It's as valid a response to emotion as shouting is.

Back in the '90s or so, I attended the local symphony. One of the performances was a lone bagpiper, in a single spotlight, playing "Amazing Grace." By the time he was finished, over half the audience was crying. And under those circumstances, I don't think any of us should have felt ashamed or self-conscious. It was a very emotional experience that we all shared.

 

[Snerk]

Not very often at all but occasionally I will weep over something. If I'm depressed about life giving me a hard time. I've never cried over a movie or something similar. Nor over the misfortunes of others, though I do of course empathise. Don't remember ever crying over the death of someone. Well except my old cat but that was a sucker punch.

Crying can be pretty cathartic and therapeutic so sometimes when I'm sad I'll find myself wanting to cry but you really can't force that stuff.

I didn't cry much as a kid but I was never told by my parents that it was not OK to cry. Which I'm glad for.

 

[Fippy]

I sometimes have my eyes wet and feel my face moving uncontrollable (in lack of better words),
but the final step of crying rarely happens.
Not sure why, probably different from person to person.

 

[classical_hero]

I didn't cry when my mother died because I used up my tears the day she was diagnosed because of what the doctors said about the cancer, so I was just trying to make the most of every moment I had with her. I knew that someone had to give the eulogy and I knew it had to be me because I knew no one else was in the mood to talk without tearing up.

The last time I cried was when our cat had to be put down. He was very sick and I knew the news wasn't good, but still shed a few tears for the guy. I didn't even cry when I had really bad health issues that meant I was in hospital for nearly 3 months.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

I cry a lot. Usually over movies or music and I think of them as admiration tears more than anything else.

 

[Manfred Belheim]

Can't remember the last time I had a proper cry. Certain films and TV can get me on the verge of it, but not really. And it's mostly stuff I'm familiar with from when I was younger rather than any new stuff.

I'm not convinced that "having a cry" really helps with anything. Yeah you usually feel better after you've had a cry, but how much of that is just due to the fact that your mood has brightened anyway, and that's why you've stopped crying? If you're really upset about something and you don't cry then your mood will mostly brighten up the same and you'll feel better too, but you wouldn't claim that not crying helped you.

Obviously it serves a function socially, alerting others to the fact that you're upset or having some problem and soliciting help and comfort with it, but crying on your own probably doesn't achieve much.

 

[Akka]

I've some weird relationship with crying.

I can VERY EASILY get misty eyes or silent tears when seeing/reading about poignant situations (dedicated family members, people enduring hardship because doing their duty). Everything with innocent and dedicated faithfulness is a sure way to get welling eyes (so dog stories are a hit about anytime). I can also sometimes get them for simply listening to some music that for some reason resonate with me (strange thing, it absolutely does not need to have any particular meaning nor to be linked to a specific memory, it's just the rythm/melody at work).

Conversely, I tend to not cry a lot when actual serious things happen, and rather keep being stone-faced.

Don't know if it's because I deal with actual trauma through numbing myself while I let less threatening feelings flow more freely, if it's some patriarcal habit of "boys don't cry" or if I just have a natural tendency toward modesty. A bit of all, I suppose.

 

[yung.carl.jung]

I cry a lot. Usually over movies or music and I think of them as admiration tears more than anything else.

I've some weird relationship with crying.

I can VERY EASILY get misty eyes or silent tears when seeing/reading about poignant situations (dedicated family members, people enduring hardship because doing their duty). Everything with innocent and dedicated faithfulness is a sure way to get welling eyes (so dog stories are a hit about anytime). I can also sometimes get them for simply listening to some music that for some reason resonate with me (strange thing, it absolutely does not need to have any particular meaning nor to be linked to a specific memory, it's just the rythm/melody at work).

Conversely, I tend to not cry a lot when actual serious things happen, and rather keep being stone-faced.

Don't know if it's because I deal with actual trauma through numbing myself while I let less threatening feelings flow more freely, if it's some patriarcal habit of "boys don't cry" or if I just have a natural tendency toward modesty. A bit of all, I suppose.

i'm the exact same as these two, except I also very often cry tears of joy. like disturbingly often. I am a very emotional man and was never shy to show it. I think the kind of "stoic" men that OP talks about are embarrassing and emotionally crippled. many of those "stoic" men also happen to have the personality of a rock.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

I've some weird relationship with crying.

I can VERY EASILY get misty eyes or silent tears when seeing/reading about poignant situations (dedicated family members, people enduring hardship because doing their duty). Everything with innocent and dedicated faithfulness is a sure way to get welling eyes (so dog stories are a hit about anytime). I can also sometimes get them for simply listening to some music that for some reason resonate with me (strange thing, it absolutely does not need to have any particular meaning nor to be linked to a specific memory, it's just the rythm/melody at work).

Conversely, I tend to not cry a lot when actual serious things happen, and rather keep being stone-faced.

Don't know if it's because I deal with actual trauma through numbing myself while I let less threatening feelings flow more freely, if it's some patriarcal habit of "boys don't cry" or if I just have a natural tendency toward modesty. A bit of all, I suppose.

"When serious things happen" I generally seem to be caught up in the action and focused on that, so not much crying goes on then. That may play into the "patriarchal habit." When my dad died my mom needed someone to lean on, not someone else crying. Not that I was inclined to cry about that anyway. I tend to relate to death as just a part of life, and I had no relationship with my dad that I was going to miss.

 

[onejayhawk]

Sometimes it can take awhile. As in years, or even decades. It took 15 years after my grandfather died, to even begin to forgive some of the things he said to me. There's a lot that I don't excuse even today, but I do have more perspective about it now. The only family picture I have up in my living room is my grandparents' wedding photo.

I'm still grieving my dad, who died earlier this year. Or I should say his body died. His mind died a long time ago, and it infuriates me when I see one or another of his former caregivers tell me that "I really got to know him."

No, they didn't. They never knew the man he was before he had to go into care. They got to know the man who struggled with dementia for 12 years, and who couldn't remember anything about his life other than he had a daughter with "kids" (his way of remembering the cats, although he couldn't remember specifics; it confused the nurses, who thought he had grandchildren).

Finally he couldn't even remember me. The last few times I saw him, I was a stranger to him (I'm tearing up, just typing this).

Sometimes a sad memory will make me cry. It certainly happened a lot in the weeks following my dad's death.


Otherwise, I'll cry over a piece of music that I find particularly beautiful or sad, and so help me, I even cried when plotting out the funeral for one of my characters in the novel I'm writing (noble character who had a tragic, undeserved death).

I have not done that in any of my books. I wonder how it will go, if and when.

I cry at movies. Both my parents died when I was unable to make it home for the funeral, so that has not come up.

J