GOD: Arthur.... King of the Britons.... Your Knights of the Round table shall have a task to make them an example in these Dark Times. You must find the Holy Grail. That is your purpose Arthur....
King Arthur: But we've been looking for it for some time, actually. We believe it has been stolen by the dreaded Knights Who Say Ni. What should we do, O Lord?
GOD: Isn't it obvious??? You're so (expletive) dense, Arthur. GO out and find these evil knights and destroy them. And while you're at it, go ahead and destroy all the other threats to England that you might encounter. That is your sacred quest.
King Arthur: Good idea Oh Lord
GOD: COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA!!! NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I SQUISH YOU WITH MY GIANT FOOT!!!
_____________
And so, King Arthur and his knights assembled the peasants of England together at his Court at Camelot, and they decided to bicker amongst themselves, and accuse one another of being one of those bloody Knights who Say Ni. But Arthur was not sure that voting would be the surest way to find those dastardly knights, so he made sure to travel every day with his most trusted knights, looking high and low for those who have angered God so mightily.
Now begins.... the Quest for the Holy Grail!
Begin Day One. You will have over 24 hours to discuss and vote, possibly 48 hours. And yes, I'm starting on a Day Phase, as I usually do. The Knights of Ni have the Holy Grail in their possession, you don't need a murder in order to go looking for them... so how about some random guessing?
Day One
Camelot.
Main Hall.
The assembled guests are arguing among themselves.
King Arthur: My loyal subjects... please settle down.
The arguing continues.
King Arthur: PLEASE settle down!
More shouting and bickering.
King Arthur: Shut up! Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Sir Launcelot (drawing his sword): Sire, they may become too unruly. Shall I silence them sir?
King Arthur: No thank you. Hand me that chicken.
Sir Launcelot (pointing to Sir Robin): That one sir?
King Arthur: No, the one with feathers.
Launcelot hands him the chicken. King Arthur smashes Launcelot on the head with it, causing a loud metallic clanging noise. This apparently gets the attention of the mob.
King Arthur: Please good people, I am in haste. Who have we determined, through logic and reason, to be a witch? Sorry, I mean... a traitor to England. Have we found any of the Knights who Say Ni?
The people murmur, and push a man from the center of the crowd forward against his will. He seems confused by all this attention, and when he is unceremoniously kicked in the rear end and sent sprawling onto his stomach, he seems to feel quite betrayed. Arthur looks at the old man, and takes pity on him.
King Arthur:
This is the one you've determined is one of the Knights who say Ni? This is the crazy old man from scene twenty-four. He is the bridgekeeper who asks the five questions...
Sir Bedevere: Three questions...
King Arthur: Three questions... and if you answer correctly... what happens?
Arthur suddenly looks confused and trails off. Sir Bedevere shrugs. Arthur looks at Launcelot, who realizes the King is paying attention to him and happily grabs for his sword, only to get a disapproving look from the King, so he sulks and puts his sword away.
Old man from scene 24 (impatiently):
...who would cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three.
King Arthur: Yes, yes, we know that. If we answer the questions then what?
Old man from scene 24: You get to cross the bridge.
King Arthur: Wait a minute. If you're here, who is guarding the bridge of death?
Old man from scene 24 (thinks for a moment, then shrugs): I don't know...
Suddenly, the Old man is lifted up into the sky, and dropped into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. Which was quite a long distance from Camelot, at least one swallow's flight away. That's an unladen swallow's flight, by the way. It was at least two laden swallows' flights away, four given a coconut on a line between them....
GOD: GET ON WITH IT!!!!
Right. And so the Old man from scene 24 was destroyed, possibly for failing to answer King Arthur's three questions. Arthur sent his knights to go find the body and examine it, and although many of them died in the attempt, they successfully retrieved the Old Man's body, and they conclusively determined that the Old man, Plarq,
was NOT one of the Knights who Say Ni. In fact, it turns out that the Old man from scene 24 was...
...An investigator, aligned with England
French Taunter: HA! You silly English Kn-n--n-n-n-iggg'hts are such empty-headed animal food trough wipers. Go and boil your bottoms!!!
This was not a good start for the people of England. As the sun set behind the Castle of Camelot, the Knights of the Round table were in a foul mood. No one said much of anything, except one of the more outspoken peasants who argued that anarcho-syndicalism would bring about more freedom, to which his mother replied "Who cares about freedom? We haven't got enough mud."
Begin Night One. Please get your orders in during the next 24 hours, but I will extend it to 48 if I don't get them all.
NIGHT ONE
Sir Robin's minstrel (Seon) was traveling alone in the forest of Ewing, singing to himself.
Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken;
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away;
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--
But the poor minstrel could not finish his song. Apparently, something decided that it would be lovely to munch on his head. Out of nowhere, Seon's attacker came and made quick work of him.
Seon could barely see what was happening, as the attack seemed to come from all directions. Chunks were torn out of his flesh, and the poor man was bleeding from every known orifice, and from some he didn't even know he had. He decided to beat a very brave retreat, but to no avail... as he started to run, his ankles were torn to pieces and he fell flat on his face. He tried to crawl on his hands and knees to get away, but this only made the situation worse as his entire intestinal tract was torn out of his hindquarters. How very painful! Very shortly the poor fool was decapitated in a flash of teeth and claws. What little remained of his body was never found. Now, Brave Sir Robin would have to travel alone, without his trusty band of minstrels....
And there was much rejoicing!
....yay....
Seon is dead.
Cubsfan6506 was just hanging around, reminiscing about the good old days when he used to laugh and
sing and dance in Camelot, and meet all the beautiful girls from the Castle Anthrax. Now he had to answer to the old
ball and chain... ugh. He wasn't going anywhere at all, because he was a bit tied down. Every day was the same old routine... they would chain him to the wall for twelve hours, and then feed him whatever rat they found in the dungeon, and then turn him upside-down and let him hang there in chains for the next twelve hours, and then do it again. Ahhh... the life of a dungeon-dweller. At least it was better than how the Romans treated their prisoners. Nice people though, those Romans... fantastic. Crucifixion was the best thing they ever did for anyone.
Cubsfan6506 often wished he had gotten off easy and received a crucifixion sentence.
After hanging comfortably upside-down for nearly 10 hours,
Cubsfan6506 was feeling quite comfortable and relaxed. The wide grin on his face was interrupted when the stone wall of the dungeon came crumbling down, or from his perspective, up. In the dark of the night, and with only a few sputtering torches providing light, a large figure approached
Cubsfan6506. As he looked up (down) at the strange-looking visitor, he smiled a wide nearly-toothless grin. This was no intruder, no... this was a new companion! Perhaps even a rescuer. What wondrous adventures he would have with his new friend. What places they would see... what joyous things they would do. Oh, and the heavenly aroma that was emanating from this new friend... it was indescribably wonderful. Heck, anything smelled better than the rotting corpse he was hanging next to. Cubsfan lifted his restrained arm as best he could, and waved a hearty hello.
Compared to what he had gone through over the past thirty years, one might imagine that what happened next was almost merciful. The emaciated man was torn off of the wall with one powerful motion, tearing his limbs completely out of their sockets, still chained up and hanging disembodied.
CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH.....
Cubsfan6506 is dead.
Taillesskangaru, clad in the finest Green armour, wandered through the forest seeking out his hated rivals, such as the
Black Knight. But some others plagued his mind even more than the Black Knight... unseen... invisible.... hiding among good, decent men. They looked like men but they were not. They smelled like foul beasts.... beasts that didn't belong in England. But today, the Green Knight would face an even more ruthless foe.
The snap of a twig alerted the Green Knight to the presence of another... perhaps a group of them. Without further warning, they attacked him on all sides. His sword was useless against them.... they were too powerful... too strong. He swung his mighty mace... but to no avail. Finally, he pulled out his axe and tried to cut them down to size... and this also had no effect.
Their reply was devastating. It caused his face to bleed and his eyes to roll out of his skull... it caused a total loss of bowel control, and it also caused genital warts. Indeed, he was suddenly covered with a terrible rash, and his earlobes melted. The joints of his body became solid bone, and his skin turned into a putrid black slime. All manner of terrible things were inflicted upon him, including the dreaded wet willy and a severe wedgie. The continued onslaught left his head spinning... the Green Knight could bear it no longer, and shoved his own sword through his head. But even this would not stop the torment.... until his brain finally exploded, and chunks blew out his nose.
Taillesskangaru is dead.
ALIVE: (26/30)
civplayah
Nictel
Catharsis
Double A
choxorn
Pinman
Paulus III
kill fire
Snerk
cindle
TheLastOne36
Sprig
CCRunner
Camikaze
oyzar
hell hound
Izipo
Backwards Logic
Sithlord447
Winston Hughes
Stuck in Pi
Renata
rhawn
Love
CivGeneral
ZPV
Lynched: (1/30)
plarq
Murdered: (3/30)
Seon
cubsfan6506
taillesskangaru
Camelot
Calm down... it's only a model.
Day Two begins now. Your night action results, if any, will be out shortly. Day will last 24 hours if everyone has voted, or 48 if everyone has not voted.
GOD: Kill fire..... KILL FIRE.... wake up kill fire.
Kill fire: zzz.......
GOD: WAKE UP, FOOLISH MORTAL!!!
Kill fire: huh? What? Sorry.... just really tired. I'm not sure about this quest you gave me.
GOD: I see... perhaps we can find someone a little more lively to fill your role.
Kill fire: I'm lively!
GOD: Like a rotting log, you are. Enjoy your nap.
*SPLAT*
The greatness of the Lord has been demonstrated unto kill fire. Yea, and as he walks through the shadow of the valley of Askthepizzaguy's footprint, he shall lurk no longer.
Kill fire has been killed by the wrath of God. And in his place stands a new player,
Tasslehoff.
GOD: Everyone say hello to Tasslehoff, or face a similar fate.
*wink*
Day Two
King Arthur stood in front of the assembled guests in the main hall of Camelot, and wondered who would be the poor unlucky sap to be killed by an angry mob. Or, he would have, if the blasted game host hadn't already given it away and told everyone he was a townie already, and totally ruined the surprise revelation. This narrator resigns in a huff due to the total lack of professionalism displayed by the game host. What a shoddy organization he's running. And another thing, stop typing things in size five text, it's not impressing anyone. And we don't care about your personal life, have something written in advance for the lynch for God's sake.
Narrator:
*mutters in disgust*
Meanwhile, the game host replaced the narrator (himself) with someone else he felt was up to the task (me). But it still scares me that he refers to himself in the third person and speaks as though he's several different people.
I think he's got issues.
God: Get on with it!
Right. So Arthur looked toward the crowd and wondered who would be lynched for today. But there was no one in the crowd that they decided on... something was definitely askew.
King Arthur: Who among you have you decided is a Knight who says Ni?
the crowd looked at one another, confused
King Arthur: Well, who is it?
Sir Galahad: They've written a name... I'm not sure who it is... can you read it?
King Arthur: No... no I'm not sure what it says. Maybe Brother Maynard can read it. Fetch him for me.
Brother Maynard: Right here, sire. It's apparently written in Aramaic. It reads: "Here are the last words of
Terry Vance Gilliam. I'm not currently dressed as a character, I'm busy working on some animation for the cut scenes for the film. You know, that lovely bit with God speaking to Arthur? Yeah I drew that, and some other lovely surprises. I'm not sure why the host made me a part of the game but he did. Unfortunately, I cannot join you on the set right now because I'm dying. I was killed by the dreaded forces of.... aaaaarrrrggghhhhh."
King Arthur: Killed by the what?
Brother Maynard: The dreaded forces of.... "aaaaarrrrggghhhhh". He must have died while writing it.
King Arthur: Well if he was dying he wouldn't bother to write "aaaaarrrrggghhhhh", he would just say it.
Brother Maynard: Well that's what's written on this post-it note.
King Arthur: You're a looney.
Brother Maynard: Look, unless you've got someone else who can translate Aramaic better than I can, I'm going to piss off.
Sir Galahad: Don't talk to the king like that.
Sir Launcelot: He's verbally assaulting the King! Let me cut his head off!
Sir Bedevere: Oh lord, there he goes again. Someone grab him.
several knights tackle Sir Launcelot
Sir Launcelot: Come on, let me kill something! All this bloody pacifism isn't right for my idiom! If you let me charge right at the crowd, I'll kill them all, and we'll definitely kill all the knights who say Ni!
Sir Robin: Hey, he said Ni, he must be one of them!
Sir Galahad: Yeah, but you just said Ni.
Sir Robin: There, you just said it too!
King Arthur:
EVERYONE....
STOP SAYING NI!
the crowd gasps in horror
Crowd: KILL THE KING!!!!
King Arthur: Oh bloody hell.
small voice in the back of the crowd: Heh, at least
I didn't say Ni.
The crowd kills that man instead.
Meanwhile, the Animator (TheLastOne36) suffers a fatal heart attack, and Terry Vance Gilliam was no more.
Terry Vance Gilliam, the Animator, was just a townie, loyal to England, with some sort of passive protection ability.
Alive: (25/30)
civplayah
Nictel
Catharsis
Double A
choxorn
Pinman
Paulus III
Tasslehoff
Snerk
cindle
Sprig
CCRunner
Camikaze
oyzar
hell hound
Izipo
Backwards Logic
Sithlord447
Winston Hughes
Stuck in Pi
Renata
rhawn
Love
CivGeneral
ZPV
Lynched: (2/30)
plarq
TheLastOne36
Murdered: (3/30)
Seon
cubsfan6506
taillesskangaru
Wrath of God: (Only one so far...)
kill fire
You have until midnight tonight (little under 23 hours from now) to get me your orders, with the usual caveats if several people don't get their orders in.
NIGHT TWO
Tim the Enchanter (Stuck in Pi) was out that evening, standing on the top of a mountain, looking down upon the valley below. Of course, he couldn't see much of anything, so he lit up the valley with explosions of fire, over and over....
BOOM!
BOOOM!!
BOOOOOOOM!!!
Then he would disappear in a cloud of smoke, and re-appear in the valley below. He was seeking the foul creature... he knew it was here. Finally, the beast showed its face, and the Enchanter summoned up a great fireball and cast it toward the thing. But the creature was too fast... it hopped through the forest and climbed a tree. Tim decided to blow the tree up, and the creature hopped out of it, and into another. The Enchanter cast more explosions, over and over, and the creature was too fast. It continued to move in a circle around Tim, creating a clearing. Finally Tim summoned a great missile of flame, and made it seek the rabbit, chasing it down.
The rabbit ran furiously, and it hopped and dodged its way through the burnt clearing, ducking under fallen trunks and into smoldering craters. Finally it swerved to the left and went straight for Tim, ducking between his legs.
Acting quickly, Tim deflected the flame, sending it hurtling toward the mountains, causing a massive explosion which shook the valley. Then, he turned around, only to see the beady red eyes and the vicious teeth flying at his face... a fluffy white ball of death. Tim was instantly decapitated.
Stuck in Pi is dead.
Oyzar stood guard, watching silently, as the attacker came forward. The creature was huge, and it was lumbering forward, gnashing its teeth and causing the ground to shake.
But Oyzar was not alone. No, there was at least one other with him. Together, they made a mighty force. When the creature attacked, the shield was raised, and the blow was deflected. In return, Oyzar's friend swung the sword at its head, slashing it in the eyes. The fight was brutal, but Oyzar and his friend did not budge an inch. They fought like titans, like giants, but in the end, there was no clear victor.
The attacker ran off into the night, its mission incomplete.
Oyzar was spared from death.
Scene: just outside the clearing where the battle between Oyzar and the mysterious attacker took place. A Famous Historian is recounting the events.
A Famous Historian: And so, the attack on Oyzar did not reach a successful conclusion. Oyzar, with his great strength, and the power of his friend, was able to beat off the attacker. This was truly a great turn of events for Oyzar, who would otherwise have faced certain death.
But as the Famous Historian spoke, he realized that the man behind the camera was very, very tall, and kept saying "Ni". Suddenly realizing what was going on, he turned to run, but there was nowhere to go. There were two other figures on either side, and Winston Hughes, the historian, was trapped. They began their assault, and the old man had no chance.
Ni!
Ni! Ni! NI!!!
Ni! NI! NI! NI! NI!
The old man clutched his chest in pain, and dropped to his knees. Very shortly after that, a fourth figure joined in the fray, also saying "Ni". The historian's nose began to bleed and his eyes began to shrivel up.
PENG!
The Historian's elbows turned into grape jelly.
NEEEEEEE-WOM!!!
The Historian went totally bald. The evil Knights took a deep breath, and in unison, they shouted:
Ekke ekke ekke ekke pikang zoom boing goodem olwi-zhiv!
The Historian's head began to spin around, and he began trying to pry his eyes out of his skull, and shoved sticks into his ears...
NI!
The Historian's head exploded, and his chunky brains were scattered over several square miles.
Winston Hughes is dead.
Alive: (23/30)
civplayah
Nictel
Catharsis
Double A
choxorn
Pinman
Paulus III
Tasslehoff
Snerk
cindle
Sprig
CCRunner
Camikaze
oyzar
hell hound
Izipo
Backwards Logic
Sithlord447
Renata
rhawn
Love
CivGeneral
ZPV
Lynched: (2/30)
plarq
TheLastOne36
Murdered: (5/30)
Seon
cubsfan6506
taillesskangaru
Stuck in Pi
Winston Hughes
Wrath of God: (Only one so far...)
kill fire
It is now Day Three. Results of the night actions will be sent out now, you have 24 hours to post and vote, if not everyone votes the round will be extended 24 hours.
DAY THREE
Civgeneral: 11 (Oyzar, Pinman, Izipo, Snerk, Love, Camikaze, Sithlord, CCRunner, ZPV, BW, Renata
Sprig: 8 (Nictel, choxorn, Double A, PaulusIII, Tasslehoff, Sprig, Civgeneral, cindle)
CCRunner: 2 (Rhawn, )
Catharsis abstained
God was a bit late, a bit weary and tired, and suddenly realized that hosting two games and playing a few may not have been a good idea. King Arthur stood before the assembled guests at Camelot and posed the usual question.
King Arthur: Given our failures in the past couple of days, I'm not sure I'm very encouraged. Have we finally found one of the Knights who say Ni?
Sir Bedevere: I have a scroll containing everyone's votes, my liege.
King Arthur: What does it say?
Sir Bedevere: I cannot read it sire, the peasants are illiterate and cannot write their own name, let alone others.
King Arthur: Fine. Just shout out whichever name you think is guilty!
The Crowd: Sprig! Civgeneral! CCRunner! Civgeneral! Very small rocks! Apples! Cider! Gravy! Churches! A duck! Civgeneral!
Small voice at the back of the crowd: I don't think anyone is guilty, so I abstain.
King Arthur glared at him.
King Arthur: All right. Will the condemned step forward?
Sir Launcelot: Right here, my liege. I am willing to die for the good of England. First, I will make a feint to the north, and attempt to tackle the crowd from behind, and then I will take them all single-handed...
King Arthur: That won't be necessary.
Sir Launcelot: And I will decapitate anyone who tries to get in the way. Then I shall leap from the chandelier and stomp on the heads of all the insolent ones who challenge your rule, sir...
King Arthur: Be quiet!
Sir Launcelot: I shall personally defeat all the knights who say Ni.
The Crowd: HE SAID NI!!!!
King Arthur: Be quiet! No, Sir Launcelot, you are not to harm anyone.
Sir Launcelot: I'm sorry?
King Arthur: No, your orders are to errm.... die.
Sir Launcelot: Quite right sir. But I'll finish them all off before I do.
King Arthur: No.... you're not going to do that. Surrender your sword.
Sir Launcelot: Ah, a challenge! I'll defeat them with my bare hands, my King!
King Arthur: You're to be chained up and carted away by the police.
Sir Launcelot: Without killing anyone?
King Arthur: Right.
Sir Launcelot: I see... it's not quite right for my idiom... but as you wish.
Sir Launcelot was placed in chains and driven off to jail. They would not be seeing him again, because he was taken advantage of by his cell mate and the rest is not exactly PG-13 material. In short, he was violated to death.
Sir Launcelot (CivGeneral) is dead. But unfortunately for England he was...
A pro-England Vigilante.
Alive: (22/30)
civplayah
Nictel
Catharsis
Double A
choxorn
Pinman
Paulus III
Tasslehoff
Snerk
cindle
Sprig
CCRunner
Camikaze
oyzar
hell hound
Izipo
Backwards Logic
Sithlord447
Renata
rhawn
Love
ZPV
Lynched: (3/30)
plarq
TheLastOne36
CivGeneral
Murdered: (5/30)
Seon
cubsfan6506
taillesskangaru
Stuck in Pi
Winston Hughes
Wrath of God: (Only one so far...)
kill fire
Bad luck, England. NIGHT ACTIONS, PLEASE! You have a full 48 hours, please send in your orders.