rate my poem

[attackfighter]

Hi all I just wrote this poem and I was hoping for some feedback:
"When the trees move in the wind
When the clouds fade into night
When the sun rises over the hills and mountains.. I'll never notice because my consciousness has been captured."

 

[Perfection]

I can't vote, "Trivial" would be too generous.

"I'll never notice because my consciousness has been captured." doesn't make much sense to me. Why has your consciousness been captured, etc...

Also
"When the trees move in the wind
When the clouds fade into night
When the sun rises over the hills and mountains"

That is totally cliched, and poorly executed at that. Move, fade, rise are bland words.

And hills and mountains? Do you really need both?

 

[attackfighter]

I can't vote, "Trivial" would be too generous.

"I'll never notice because my consciousness has been captured." doesn't make much sense to me. Why has your consciousness been captured, etc...

Also
"When the trees move in the wind
When the clouds fade into night
When the sun rises over the hills and mountains"

That is totally cliched, and poorly executed at that. Move, fade, rise are bland words.

And hills and mountains? Do you really need both?

My consciousness has been captured for mysterious reasons. It is left unclear to make the reader ponder over all the possibilities.

As for the wording, it is meant to be simple wording for a simple poem. Neither the words nor the poem are long, with the exception of the word "consiousness" (it's long to hint at it's importance). I think hills and mountains are both needed, as they are only superficially similar.

I will post a revised version shortly, but I do not want to make drastic changes until I get further input (personally I think it sounds great, and others I have shared it with agree).

 

[Birdjaguar]

In general poems that begin with an image that carries the point or message are stronger than those which try to make a point directly. Your verse is a pretty direct statement without subtlety or imagery.

For example, if you wanted to write a love poem you might use an image of touch or of waves on a beach rather than make any direct statements.

To write about "you consciousness being captured" you might begin with some image of "confusion of the senses" and go from there.

 

[Agent327]

Wow, some pretty severe criticism here...

Hi all I just wrote this poem and I was hoping for some feedback:
"When the trees move in the wind
When the clouds fade into night
When the sun rises over the hills and mountains.. I'll never notice because my consciousness has been captured."

I'd just like to say that the last line is somewhat inconsistent with the preceding ones - since trees moving, clouds fading and the sun rising are things you need to be conscious for to be aware about. The idea itself I can appreciate (captured consciousness), but I think the poem needs to be reworked. In principle it's actually a good poem; despite what has been said, poets often use imagery to get something across - whether cliché or not. (There actually isn't a problem with using clichés, so long as you are aware of it.)

Contrary to Birdjaguar's assertion the first 3 lines actually do contain imagery. And I do not agree that starting with what you want to conclude with is necessarily a good thing. Last lines may often sharply contrast with even the entire preceding poem.

 

[Plotinus]

The first two lines and the first half of the third sound like poetry. The second half of the third line sounds like prose that has been tacked on. It does not scan at all. I would try to rework the idea into a line that matches the rhythms of the rest of it.

 

[Mise]

If you wanted to provide a contrast between the motion of the objects in the first three lines to the "capture" of your consciousness, you need to work on the objects and verbs you've used. You should probably use a different word to "fade", for example, because "fade" isn't a very active word. Furthermore, if your consciousness is captured, the contrast are things that are free. Trees are not free, they are fixed to the ground, and can't really help moving in the wind. Clouds are free, but the word "fade" is very negative, and the sentence suggests it is being "overpowered" or enveloped by the all-consuming night; the night is not free but moves in fixed periods, and certainly conjures very dark, negative images. The sun, like the night, is not free, again moving in fixed periods with little say in the matter.

EDIT: If your point wasn't to provide a contrast, then I just don't get the point of the poem, or what it's trying to say...

 

[holy king]

birds. birds are free, i hear.

 

[Lone Wolf]

Rating your own poem a 10? I can definitely say that you don't have the flaw of being too modest.

And here's my contribution to that tread - a definitely deep, meaningful and philospophical poem that is able to reveal the mysteries of being to you:

The self of my existential consciouness
Trascends the transcendental unity of apperception.
The objects in space and time
Are mere results of the power of space -
A blind but indispensable function of the soul.

 

[Verarde]

Rating you own poem a 10 is definitely not humble.