Simon Darkshade
Mysterious City of Gold
Could no longer resist posting some of these very funny stories.
Whilst the characters and the sports may not be very familiar to most of you barbarians, the funny stuff is still evident.
Faustian pact, not Sheedy, responsible for Bomber streak.
Kevin Sheedy admitted this week that Essendon players had sold their souls to the Devil in exchange for unprecedented on-field success.
The Bomber coach, ever the innovator, is believed to have summoned the Devil in a black mass held last year after the clubs Best and Fairest dinner. An unholy pact was formed and the players were informed of their new soullessness at midnight.
I knew we had to take that extra step, explained Sheedy, referring to the Bombers surprise loss to Carlton in last years preliminary final. We thought about better injury management, a board reshuffle, axing some players. In the end, we opted for Lucifer praise be his unholy name.
Although not the first example of a Faustian pact in football - Robert Dipierdomenico is reputed to have sold his soul in 1995 in exchange for an unlikely media career this is the first time an entire club has had dealings with the Horned One.
The Essendon players themselves are, by all accounts, happy with their new invincible status.
Captain James Hird, who Sheedy calls the heart and soul of the club well, the heart anyway, says the teams confidence is better than its ever been, safe in the knowledge that every time they run out onto the ground, they cannot lose.
Its a comforting thought, knowing that Satan is watching over us. For the rest of our careers we cannot be beaten in a football game. Though Im sure well get sick of singing the club song.
While Sheedy, players and club officials have sold their collective souls for on-field success, individuals have taken out their own clauses in their success for souls contracts.
Matthew Lloyd, for example, is guaranteed the Coleman Medal every year for the rest of his career. Dean Wallis has been granted an unlimited number of 'last chance' returns to the senior team. And thanks to the Devil, Kevin Sheedy now has the power to make any coaching move pay off. I could put Bewick in the ruck and it would come off, chortles Sheedy.
Despite the enormous successes achieved by the Bombers this year, there is still the fine print in the contracts the loss of the players souls once their careers are over. Most remain unconcerned about burning in the fiery pits of hell for all eternity.
Weve got to grab our chances now, says Hird. Youre a long time out of the game.
Bombers sue Satan
Essendon coach Kevin Sheedy and the entire Bomber list of players have launched a collective action against Satan, the Lord of Darkness, following last weekends loss to the Western Bulldogs.
As revealed in The Bladder last week, the Bombers had previously signed a Faustian Pact selling their souls to Satan in order to complete the 2000 season undefeated.
We believe last Fridays loss was an inexcusable breach of the contract by Satan and we now consider the deal to be off, said Sheedy in a statement. We thought we had a deal with this bloke, but it seems you cant trust anyone these days not even the Devil himself.
The master coach did reveal, however, that the players were still hoping to negotiate the issue with Satans leading legal demons in order to rescue the Pact in time to assure the premiership.
It is believed the Bombers marketing department may also now be exploring other avenues, such as the entire team becoming born again Christians if God can guarantee the flag, although Windy Hill insiders indicated that for that deal to work, Essendon would want at least back-to-back premierships.
When contacted last night, Satan refused to comment, saying the matter was in the hands of his solicitors.
Aaron Hamill gets three years at Tribunal
Carlton star Aaron Hamill was jailed for three years at the Tribunal last night, when a kicking charge, cited on video after the weekends Bulldogs match, was sustained.
With good behaviour, Hamill could be paroled in time for the 2002 season. Carlton plans to appeal Hamills sentence in the Supreme Court.
This is a real kick in the guts for Aaron, said Blues assistant coach Wayne Brittain, channelling the words of senior coach David Parkin. Hes been playing well this year and to be jailed for 36 months, with a non-parole period of 18 months, is not what he or the club were hoping for.
Hamill was led away by police, handed to Interpol, and taken immediately to Alcatraz, a small penal island off the coast of San Francisco that featured in the hit movie, The Rock.
The Tribunal heard that Hamill had stuck out his left leg, making contact with Bulldog Tony Liberatore in the first quarter at Optus Oval on Sunday.
The defence argued passionately that Hamill had been attempting to change direction, contact was accidental and, anyway, it was only Tony Liberatore.
Judge Calvin Liberatore disagreed and handed down the toughest sentence in football since Melbourne ruckman Jim Stynes was sentenced to death after running across the mark in the dying seconds of the 1987 Preliminary Final.
Lloyd receives free kick - posthumously
There were mixed emotions at Windy Hill last night with the news that star full forward Matthew Lloyd had died from injuries received in a weekend incident that led to him receiving his first free kick of the season.
While happy that Lloyd had at last won a free kick, the Bombers were understandably upset at the permanent loss of their gun forward.
Lloyd, criticised by umpires early this year for staging for frees, has found it impossible to win a free kick since, despite increasingly rugged attention from rival defenders. But Eagle Ashley McIntosh went too far on Saturday night when he took to Lloyds head, neck and shoulders with a machete during the second term.
Umpire No 16 promptly awarded Lloyd a free kick, despite protests from other men in white. But Lloyd was bleeding profusely from numerous stab wounds and was unable to take the kick.
It was Lloyds first game back after being hit by a truck driven by Norths Mick Martyn in Round 13.
Umpires boss Jeff Gieschen refused to comment, other than to say that many umpires were suspicious of the news and suspected that Lloyd may have faked his own death.
Outcry follows McVeigh execution
Essendon plans to formally complain to the AFL over the execution by lethal injection on Tuesday of Bomber utility Mark McVeigh.
The Bombers said they were particularly upset to discover that McVeigh had been dragged from his home, taken to AFL headquarters, strapped to the reclining "death chair" and given a lethal injection, consisting of cyanide mixed with concentrated Sam Newman special comments. With several Essendon running players nursing hamstring, calf and corkie injuries, McVeigh's death leaves the Bomber selectors with less options this weekend.
"We want to know how this happened, why this happened, what happened and who allowed it to happen," said a fuming Bomber president Graeme McMahon.
The League is claiming a simple clerical mistake led to the 20-year-old rookie's death penalty when an execution order addressed to the Ohio Detention Centre was accidentally faxed to AFL Tribunal chairman Brian Collis.
"It's a mistake that could have happened to anybody," said Collis. "Naturally, our thoughts go out to Mark's family and teammates but really, it was a one in a million thing. We're confident that it won't happen again. We've had the fax machine looked at."
Collis defended the fact that a last minute official Essendon appeal was not considered by the Tribunal in time to save McVeigh. "Oh we never pay attention to those appeals," said the Tribunal chairman. "We only encourage them so that the clubs keep kicking in the non-refundable appeal fee.
"A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha," he added.
Footy fans gathered outside the Tribunal in their thousands, as McVeigh's execution time drew ever nearer. Mostly there was remorse.
"Look, quite honestly it's rough on the lad," said one Magpie fan. "Yes, he's an overpaid, arrogant little **** in a team full of overpaid, arrogant older ****s and yeah, if you'd asked me a couple of weeks ago if I'd like to see him taken out and killed but to actually do it - it's a bit over the top."
McVeigh's last statement, a cliché-ridden analysis of his performance against St Kilda, angered those who had gathered to see him die. "I felt like we were struggling a bit there in the third quarter, but the boys really lifted," it read.
McVeigh supporter and anti-death penalty campaigner Gemma Trewithers, 16, was upbeat despite her hero's execution. "I still love you Mark. Go Bombers!" she said, revealing that she plans to replace McVeigh's number on her duffle coat with Dean Rioli's number.
City fights dog menace
The Melbourne City Council is expected to have Tony Liberatore put down this week after an apparently unprovoked attack by the fiery little Bulldog on a League officer, followed by a reign of terror across Melbourne.
The drama began after AFL officials arrived at Colonial Stadium to investigate reports of grass being grown on the premises. Libba, tied to a goal post at the time, saw the officials' suits and went berserk. He broke his leash, tackled League operations chief Andrew Demetriou right out of the game, then jumped the gate and was away.
Ian Collins was lucky to escape with his life after the rogue Dog mistook him for a Cheshire cat, and chased him all the way to the stadium's nightclub toilets.
The unlucky Mathew Richardson happened to be climbing the Punt Road Oval fence when an unprovoked Libba came at him like a mongrel punt. Surgeons are yet to agree on an official rip, tear, and broken-bone count for the Tiger star.
He was finally cornered and calmed when Bulldog coach Terry Wallace left a trail of dog biscuits leading back to the Whitten Kennel and then started an impromptu rendition of the club theme-song when the runaway dog was within hearing range. Libba couldn't resist and found his way to the middle of the pack of players. Officials quietly replaced his leash while he was busy singing and slapping his teammates on the bum.
The ferocity of Libba's attacks surprised his owners, who admit the little fella's legs have almost gone and even though he still tries to tackle everything in sight, he misses more than he catches. He spent most of the pre-season vainly chasing seagulls up and down the beach at Williamstown.
Doggie supporters have strongly opposed the move to have Libba put down, claiming it is the men who raise these footballers who are to blame. The coaches spend years cross-breeding and training these ferocious little mongrels. Theyre the ones who should be held responsible, said a Libba lover.
It is thought that Libba was originally bred many years ago at an illegal pie night on The Island of Dr. Malthouse.
But the city council is standing firm. Our footy parks have to be made safe for innocent children like Simon Black to run and play in without the threat of being mauled by these savage little brutes, said a council spokesperson. But Libba cant go on forever. Eventually hell grow tired and slow down, and then we can nab him and send him off to that great big kennel in the sky Channel 7, I think they call it.
Hird: My Norm Smith was for me. me. Me. ME. All mine!
Bomber captain James Hird has renounced his Grand Final tribute to his wife and baby daughter, saying he was premature in dedicating his Norm Smith Medal-winning peformance to the pair.
Emotions were running high. I didnt know what I was saying, Hird said in a prepared statement. Now Ive had time to calm down and reflect on the performance and the aftermath, Id like to say that I dedicate the Norm Smith Medal to myself. It was my talent, guts and heroic performance that won it, and nobody elses.
Hird went on to ask how many kicks baby Stephanie got on the day and queried whether his wife Tanya had managed to blanket Brownlow Medalist Shane Woewodin in the midfield while still lurking dangerously forward to kick several important goals.
I think youll find the answer to both questions is no, Hird said.
Hird said he was delighted that the Bombers had now equalled Carltons record of 16 Premierships but was even happier that he had captained the team and been clearly the best player on the day.
Shortly after issuing the statement, the entire Essendon squad, armed with phone books, pillows and baseball bats, asked if they could have a word with their captain in the Windy Hill showers.
They probably want to tell me how grateful they are that I won them a flag, Hird said as he headed to the ground.
Whilst the characters and the sports may not be very familiar to most of you barbarians, the funny stuff is still evident.
Faustian pact, not Sheedy, responsible for Bomber streak.
Kevin Sheedy admitted this week that Essendon players had sold their souls to the Devil in exchange for unprecedented on-field success.
The Bomber coach, ever the innovator, is believed to have summoned the Devil in a black mass held last year after the clubs Best and Fairest dinner. An unholy pact was formed and the players were informed of their new soullessness at midnight.
I knew we had to take that extra step, explained Sheedy, referring to the Bombers surprise loss to Carlton in last years preliminary final. We thought about better injury management, a board reshuffle, axing some players. In the end, we opted for Lucifer praise be his unholy name.
Although not the first example of a Faustian pact in football - Robert Dipierdomenico is reputed to have sold his soul in 1995 in exchange for an unlikely media career this is the first time an entire club has had dealings with the Horned One.
The Essendon players themselves are, by all accounts, happy with their new invincible status.
Captain James Hird, who Sheedy calls the heart and soul of the club well, the heart anyway, says the teams confidence is better than its ever been, safe in the knowledge that every time they run out onto the ground, they cannot lose.
Its a comforting thought, knowing that Satan is watching over us. For the rest of our careers we cannot be beaten in a football game. Though Im sure well get sick of singing the club song.
While Sheedy, players and club officials have sold their collective souls for on-field success, individuals have taken out their own clauses in their success for souls contracts.
Matthew Lloyd, for example, is guaranteed the Coleman Medal every year for the rest of his career. Dean Wallis has been granted an unlimited number of 'last chance' returns to the senior team. And thanks to the Devil, Kevin Sheedy now has the power to make any coaching move pay off. I could put Bewick in the ruck and it would come off, chortles Sheedy.
Despite the enormous successes achieved by the Bombers this year, there is still the fine print in the contracts the loss of the players souls once their careers are over. Most remain unconcerned about burning in the fiery pits of hell for all eternity.
Weve got to grab our chances now, says Hird. Youre a long time out of the game.
Bombers sue Satan
Essendon coach Kevin Sheedy and the entire Bomber list of players have launched a collective action against Satan, the Lord of Darkness, following last weekends loss to the Western Bulldogs.
As revealed in The Bladder last week, the Bombers had previously signed a Faustian Pact selling their souls to Satan in order to complete the 2000 season undefeated.
We believe last Fridays loss was an inexcusable breach of the contract by Satan and we now consider the deal to be off, said Sheedy in a statement. We thought we had a deal with this bloke, but it seems you cant trust anyone these days not even the Devil himself.
The master coach did reveal, however, that the players were still hoping to negotiate the issue with Satans leading legal demons in order to rescue the Pact in time to assure the premiership.
It is believed the Bombers marketing department may also now be exploring other avenues, such as the entire team becoming born again Christians if God can guarantee the flag, although Windy Hill insiders indicated that for that deal to work, Essendon would want at least back-to-back premierships.
When contacted last night, Satan refused to comment, saying the matter was in the hands of his solicitors.
Aaron Hamill gets three years at Tribunal
Carlton star Aaron Hamill was jailed for three years at the Tribunal last night, when a kicking charge, cited on video after the weekends Bulldogs match, was sustained.
With good behaviour, Hamill could be paroled in time for the 2002 season. Carlton plans to appeal Hamills sentence in the Supreme Court.
This is a real kick in the guts for Aaron, said Blues assistant coach Wayne Brittain, channelling the words of senior coach David Parkin. Hes been playing well this year and to be jailed for 36 months, with a non-parole period of 18 months, is not what he or the club were hoping for.
Hamill was led away by police, handed to Interpol, and taken immediately to Alcatraz, a small penal island off the coast of San Francisco that featured in the hit movie, The Rock.
The Tribunal heard that Hamill had stuck out his left leg, making contact with Bulldog Tony Liberatore in the first quarter at Optus Oval on Sunday.
The defence argued passionately that Hamill had been attempting to change direction, contact was accidental and, anyway, it was only Tony Liberatore.
Judge Calvin Liberatore disagreed and handed down the toughest sentence in football since Melbourne ruckman Jim Stynes was sentenced to death after running across the mark in the dying seconds of the 1987 Preliminary Final.
Lloyd receives free kick - posthumously
There were mixed emotions at Windy Hill last night with the news that star full forward Matthew Lloyd had died from injuries received in a weekend incident that led to him receiving his first free kick of the season.
While happy that Lloyd had at last won a free kick, the Bombers were understandably upset at the permanent loss of their gun forward.
Lloyd, criticised by umpires early this year for staging for frees, has found it impossible to win a free kick since, despite increasingly rugged attention from rival defenders. But Eagle Ashley McIntosh went too far on Saturday night when he took to Lloyds head, neck and shoulders with a machete during the second term.
Umpire No 16 promptly awarded Lloyd a free kick, despite protests from other men in white. But Lloyd was bleeding profusely from numerous stab wounds and was unable to take the kick.
It was Lloyds first game back after being hit by a truck driven by Norths Mick Martyn in Round 13.
Umpires boss Jeff Gieschen refused to comment, other than to say that many umpires were suspicious of the news and suspected that Lloyd may have faked his own death.
Outcry follows McVeigh execution
Essendon plans to formally complain to the AFL over the execution by lethal injection on Tuesday of Bomber utility Mark McVeigh.
The Bombers said they were particularly upset to discover that McVeigh had been dragged from his home, taken to AFL headquarters, strapped to the reclining "death chair" and given a lethal injection, consisting of cyanide mixed with concentrated Sam Newman special comments. With several Essendon running players nursing hamstring, calf and corkie injuries, McVeigh's death leaves the Bomber selectors with less options this weekend.
"We want to know how this happened, why this happened, what happened and who allowed it to happen," said a fuming Bomber president Graeme McMahon.
The League is claiming a simple clerical mistake led to the 20-year-old rookie's death penalty when an execution order addressed to the Ohio Detention Centre was accidentally faxed to AFL Tribunal chairman Brian Collis.
"It's a mistake that could have happened to anybody," said Collis. "Naturally, our thoughts go out to Mark's family and teammates but really, it was a one in a million thing. We're confident that it won't happen again. We've had the fax machine looked at."
Collis defended the fact that a last minute official Essendon appeal was not considered by the Tribunal in time to save McVeigh. "Oh we never pay attention to those appeals," said the Tribunal chairman. "We only encourage them so that the clubs keep kicking in the non-refundable appeal fee.
"A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha," he added.
Footy fans gathered outside the Tribunal in their thousands, as McVeigh's execution time drew ever nearer. Mostly there was remorse.
"Look, quite honestly it's rough on the lad," said one Magpie fan. "Yes, he's an overpaid, arrogant little **** in a team full of overpaid, arrogant older ****s and yeah, if you'd asked me a couple of weeks ago if I'd like to see him taken out and killed but to actually do it - it's a bit over the top."
McVeigh's last statement, a cliché-ridden analysis of his performance against St Kilda, angered those who had gathered to see him die. "I felt like we were struggling a bit there in the third quarter, but the boys really lifted," it read.
McVeigh supporter and anti-death penalty campaigner Gemma Trewithers, 16, was upbeat despite her hero's execution. "I still love you Mark. Go Bombers!" she said, revealing that she plans to replace McVeigh's number on her duffle coat with Dean Rioli's number.
City fights dog menace
The Melbourne City Council is expected to have Tony Liberatore put down this week after an apparently unprovoked attack by the fiery little Bulldog on a League officer, followed by a reign of terror across Melbourne.
The drama began after AFL officials arrived at Colonial Stadium to investigate reports of grass being grown on the premises. Libba, tied to a goal post at the time, saw the officials' suits and went berserk. He broke his leash, tackled League operations chief Andrew Demetriou right out of the game, then jumped the gate and was away.
Ian Collins was lucky to escape with his life after the rogue Dog mistook him for a Cheshire cat, and chased him all the way to the stadium's nightclub toilets.
The unlucky Mathew Richardson happened to be climbing the Punt Road Oval fence when an unprovoked Libba came at him like a mongrel punt. Surgeons are yet to agree on an official rip, tear, and broken-bone count for the Tiger star.
He was finally cornered and calmed when Bulldog coach Terry Wallace left a trail of dog biscuits leading back to the Whitten Kennel and then started an impromptu rendition of the club theme-song when the runaway dog was within hearing range. Libba couldn't resist and found his way to the middle of the pack of players. Officials quietly replaced his leash while he was busy singing and slapping his teammates on the bum.
The ferocity of Libba's attacks surprised his owners, who admit the little fella's legs have almost gone and even though he still tries to tackle everything in sight, he misses more than he catches. He spent most of the pre-season vainly chasing seagulls up and down the beach at Williamstown.
Doggie supporters have strongly opposed the move to have Libba put down, claiming it is the men who raise these footballers who are to blame. The coaches spend years cross-breeding and training these ferocious little mongrels. Theyre the ones who should be held responsible, said a Libba lover.
It is thought that Libba was originally bred many years ago at an illegal pie night on The Island of Dr. Malthouse.
But the city council is standing firm. Our footy parks have to be made safe for innocent children like Simon Black to run and play in without the threat of being mauled by these savage little brutes, said a council spokesperson. But Libba cant go on forever. Eventually hell grow tired and slow down, and then we can nab him and send him off to that great big kennel in the sky Channel 7, I think they call it.
Hird: My Norm Smith was for me. me. Me. ME. All mine!
Bomber captain James Hird has renounced his Grand Final tribute to his wife and baby daughter, saying he was premature in dedicating his Norm Smith Medal-winning peformance to the pair.
Emotions were running high. I didnt know what I was saying, Hird said in a prepared statement. Now Ive had time to calm down and reflect on the performance and the aftermath, Id like to say that I dedicate the Norm Smith Medal to myself. It was my talent, guts and heroic performance that won it, and nobody elses.
Hird went on to ask how many kicks baby Stephanie got on the day and queried whether his wife Tanya had managed to blanket Brownlow Medalist Shane Woewodin in the midfield while still lurking dangerously forward to kick several important goals.
I think youll find the answer to both questions is no, Hird said.
Hird said he was delighted that the Bombers had now equalled Carltons record of 16 Premierships but was even happier that he had captained the team and been clearly the best player on the day.
Shortly after issuing the statement, the entire Essendon squad, armed with phone books, pillows and baseball bats, asked if they could have a word with their captain in the Windy Hill showers.
They probably want to tell me how grateful they are that I won them a flag, Hird said as he headed to the ground.
