Girl trouble

[sw99]

Ok, i've mostly been lurking on civfanatics for about six months now, occaisionally posting but mostly just happy to read the thread (whilst i'm at work, shh don't tell anyone)

I've got a tricky situation at the moment which is really messing up with my head, so a little advice (serious please) would be nice

I met this girl called amanda about 2 months ago, we hit it off pretty much immediately and spent just about the best 3 weeks together that i've ever had. However she's at university in reading (about 150 miles from derby or 3 hours on the train) and she had to go back there last month. She's from derby originally and I know that if she had stayed in derby we would be together now.

Anyway, we agreed to just be friends because it was so intense and it probably wouldn't have worked as a long distance relationship. I was going out with a girl for about 3 years and half of that was pretty much long distance and we only saw each other once every two weeks for that period, so when me and amanda split up I kind of agreed about the long distance thing.

However we've kept in contact ever since and seen her a couple of times on visits. Nothing has happened since we have split up but we have been getting on SO well... Now she's coming back this weekend and we've arranged to go out for a meal sunday afternoon (when i thought she would definately be spending sunday with her parents cos she's not seen them much). Only thing is that the past couple of weeks whilst we've been emailing each other pretty much every day I've felt more and more that I want to be with her properly.

The problem is, I don't know 100% certain whether she feels the same, it seems to me like I might have a chance because we've kept in contact so much and get on so well, even though we only went out for 3 weeks.

Any advice from you guys would be appreciated, should I try and get her back? If so how should I go about it?

If you have any questions that I might have missed out just ask, this has been driving me insane

PS before anyone asks the grisly details, yes we did, and it was phenomenal

 

[.:KNAS:.]

yes you should ask her, if u dont ask her soon she might go get another boyfriend, no?

 

[sw99]

OMG, I didn't even think of that........ eeeeeeeek

Great, now I feel worse!

 

[joespaniel]

sw99 - I agree with KNAS, go get her!

And have more phenomenal grisly details.

 

[.:KNAS:.]

woohoo!!! this is my 100th post! paaaaartayyyyy!

and everyone always forgets the dots in my name
aaaaaaaaargh

 

[sw99]

Hmm, does it really look that clear cut? Aaargh, it really doesn't feel that easy but then I do tend to get nervous about stuff like this. I'm never too nervous to actually do anything, i'm usually quite confident but this girl has really got under my skin

 

[Strik]

Well if you love her and want to be with. Just be honest with her, and ask her if she feels the same. Or if you're to afraid to ask her, you might write her a letter. But don't overdo it all to much. She might think you are obsessed(perhaps this is a too strong word).

Anyhow good luck and since I'm bad at this sort of things myself too. I might be wrong. I even find it scary to write also.

P.S. Don't do it on the phone!!!! or a SMS message.

 

[.:KNAS:.]

i have a friend that broke up with a girl by sms! hahahaha

 

[sw99]

Ugh, i've actually done that too. We only went out a couple of times and it was pretty horrible.
Major rebound relationship, I met her 3 days after I split up with the girl I was with three years. I just felt good because i'd not been with anyone else for 3 years, then managed to get someone else straightaway! I realised why I was able to pull her after the 3rd date... I have to admit I did feel quite guilty after finishing with her by sms, especially afer she rang me three times and I didn't answer

 

[floppa21]

SW99, go for it man. You have nothing to lose and possibly everything to gain. Maybe things don't work out, but it's better than not trying and never knowing. 'What Ifs' are some of the worst things to regret...

 

[jc011]

go for it if you really like her this much

 

[GenghisK]

before anyone asks the grisly details, yes we did, and it was phenomenal

Did what?? The cooking? Oh yeah I did it too and it was really exciting... Yeah my mum doesn't cook for me any more so I do it alone maybe he isn't talking about cooking then? About fishing then?

Anyway... yeah why won't you ask her everything. If she's sincere she won't hide anything. At least I think so.
You know I've also met 2 days before a pretty shy lady. In Paris. But that's all. We never met again. Tragic isn't it? Well, maybe we'll meet again on the internet, who knows, who knows...

 

[BlueMonday]

Forgive me for differing from the norm on this topic, but I would really suggest that you slow down. I've f***ed up too many relationships by jumping the gun like everybody here thinks you should do. Jumping the gun like this only works if the other person feels just the same as you and even then pushing your relaitonship like this could kill it. And from what you have described here, I have serious doubts that she is as emphatic about the two of you as you are. Here's why:

You said yourself that you'd only just come ome off a heavy multi-year relationship. Man I tell you, the first person that you go out with right after that heavy relationship is always as overwhelming as you described. It just because it's such a magnificent change from the dullness of your last relationship. Those overwhelming feelings will die off in a short time. Also, you've only really known this ho for three weeks. Three weeks is just not enough time to figure a person out -even if she chooses you the relationship could die out in a matter of months after the decision is made.

And even if she feels the same, it will still be a long distance relationship, right?

My advice is simply to slow it down...spend more time together before you push the envelope. But hey, what the f*** would I know about this stuff? I still walk this Earth alone.

 

[Beam]

Wise talking Blue M.

sw, sounds you are in , and also quite , you've been away now from each other for how long??? (physically I mean). Why not give it a try and let it go. Lots to gain nothing to loose.

 

[jc011]

yes, relationships take time, time to get to know the person and to trust the person. Just yesterday i had a talk with a girl i met almost a year ago, she said i was the only person she could talk to about personal ideas and her feelings. It takes a long time to build trust into another person. Just sit down and talk.

 

[sw99]

Thanks bluemonday. The girl i was with 3 years I finished with in january this year, it was 8 months before i met amanda and there were a couple of girls i saw between then (including the sms girl) but there was never anything that really made me say "wow".

It's obviously hard to explain every little detail and without all the facts you won't know the full story but every little piece of advice is helpful, although the massive amounts of conflicting advice I've had of friends is a little bit confusing

What I meant to put over to you guys was how weird it felt for me because we only went out for 3 weeks, before that i had never met her, and we just hit it off straightaway. Also before amanda i'd never particularly stayed friends with people i'd been out with. The girl I was with three years I don't even talk to so it's just a really weird situation for me that i'm still getting on with amanda really well. It's not even that she doesn't have other friends in derby to see when she comes back home, but the two times she's come back so far she's seen me on her own and that just makes me think maybe she feels the same because it's not as if we've even known each other for a long time...

Aaargh, this really isn't getting any easier in my head, but i'm just going to play it by ear on sunday. I just don't want to risk ruining a really good friendship on the off-chance that she wants to make a go of a relationship.

FYI i'm 21, nearly 22, only really had two serious relationships (one for 3 years and one for about 8 months)

 

[BlueMonday]

Hmmm...yeah, it is very hard for anyone here to really grasp the full story here. You've got a few days left so just spend some time, think about what everybody -not just me- has said here, and then go with whatever you come up with in the end.

Whatever you choose can go any which way. If you hold off it might work, it might not. Conversely, if you rush in it might work, or it might not. Happiness and love are like a greased pigs at a rodeo; you only get a few chances at them and even then it's nearly impossible to get a strangelhold. Ultimately, I say go for it. But be warned, rushing in could mess it up...but then again waiting could mess it up too.

I wish I could give you a solid answer, but I can't. This is just one of those things you just take a stab at and see if it works; and then the next time around, you might do a little better -if there is a next time that is.*wink, wink*

 

[Heffalump]

Long distance relationships are inevitably....... finite. You need to think about what sort of possibility there would be to making it a short distance relationship, and the sooner the better.

I was in this situation before as well and realized that as much as one might like an objective answer, there isn't one. Just gotta go with your instinct. My hunch is that if she's emailing you every day and making periodic visits then she's interested. And if you two get along as well as you suggest then it will end up feeling natural to bring it up when the time comes.

But keep in mind that distance thing. Starting a relationship is one thing. Keeping it going is another.

 

[sw99]

Thanks guys, i'm seeing her tomorrow afternoon for a meal now and i'm just going to see how I feel when I meet her. I think that if there is an opportunity to find out where I stand it should be fairly natural to just find out. We're quite friendly at the moment and I really can talk to her about anything so i'll probably just come straight out with what i've been feeling if it goes well.
I feel fairly confident that if it turns out she doesn't want to start seeing me again properly it won't be a big disaster.

After all, we've managed to keep everything cool even though we've only known each other for a short time.

I'll let you guys know how it goes on monday

 

[Morten Blaabjerg]

Originally posted by BlueMonday
Whatever you choose can go any which way. If you hold off it might work, it might not. Conversely, if you rush in it might work, or it might not. Happiness and love are like a greased pigs at a rodeo; you only get a few chances at them and even then it's nearly impossible to get a strangelhold. Ultimately, I say go for it. But be warned, rushing in could mess it up...but then again waiting could mess it up too.

That is just beautifully expressed! Thanks for those wonderful words of wisdom, BlueM! I can really relate to that!
And I'm not kidding...

I've been in a 1-year one-way long-distance relationship with a girl who lives in the same town as I do..... ... But until I see someone better come along, I'm still going to try and get a hold at this greasy baby... Even if I fail miserably, which, apparantly I am, since I cannot see any signs of my success... But still there's a room in my heart, that I keep vacant for her, if she should change her mind and decide to hang around.

Yeah, one can say "don't push it" until the end of the world. I say, push it, behave like a madman, be desperate, be "possessed" all you like, be scary. And be cool about it.