The Cavafy thread (feedback might be helpful)

[Kyriakos]

I am thinking of translating a few poems by Cavafy, for a possible youtube video narration (although the narration will likely be in greek, but including a translation in english).

Here is a nice poem:

Walls
(my translation, original by Konstantin Cavafy)


Without caution, shame or rue

they built extensive and high walls around me.


And now I lay here in despair.

Reflecting on this misfortune: it’s all I think about;


because I did have many things to do, outside the walls.

Ah, how could I be oblivious, when they were still being built.


And yet, I never heard the builders clanking or making any other noise.

I was shut out of this world all too subtly.



You can also read ( ) the original:

Cavafy is the most famous greek poet of the period following the state's liberation. He mostly lived in Alexandria (Egypt). By now he is recognized as a very notable literary figure of the 20th century, and many non-greek scholars view him as "the great poet of the Levant".

 

[Kyriakos]

The following is a translation by someone else, so I would be interested in reading if you think my own sucks in comparison! (I mean the overall sense, not how close it is to the original greek)

"Without consideration, without pity, without shame
they have built great and high walls around me.

And now I sit here and despair.
I think of nothing else: this fate gnaws at my mind;

for I had many things to do outside.
Ah why did I not pay attention when they were building the walls.

But I never heard any noise or sound of builders.
Imperceptibly they shut me from the outside world."

(I can tell you that the above certainly is more word-for-word, but I am not sure if it is better or not)