Fifty
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The Age, Gender, and Existence of Socrates: A Dialogue
Dr. Shupe- My dear Marc, is this paper about the Socratic method?
Marc- Yes, indeed it is.
S- Did the socratic method originate with Socrates or did someoen else originate it--Homer for example?
M- No, Socrates originated it.
S- You did well to say so, Marc. For we konw that Homer cannot be trusted, and that Socrates has a great reputation for wisdom and honor, and most of all for his method, which is said to be a valid method of investigation.
M- Yes, I've said that myself
S- When we say that someone originated a thing, do we mean that he gave birth to it-that, in effect, it is his baby?
M- Yes, we often say that.
S- Who is most capable of giving birth, an individual who has knowledge of the birth process or one who is ignorant of it?
M- Why, one who is knowledgable, of course.
S- And is it not true that women are more knowledgeable about the birth process than men?
M- Without question.
S- Then to give birth to so excellent a thing, Socrates must have been a woman.
M- WHy, yes, that seems to follow, but...
S- Do you still have reservations? Look at it this way: Who is more knowledgeable about the birth process, a woman who has had many children, or a virgin?
M- Why, naturally, the woman with many children.
S- Then Socrates must have been a woman with many children.
M- Yes, I see. You have convinced me thoroughly.
S- And is it not true that a woman who is beautiful is more apt to have many children than a woman who is ugly and repulsive to men?
M- Yes, that is no doubt true.
S- Then those who told us that Socrates was ugly must have been lying.
M- They must have been.
S- IN fact, we may say that Socrates must have been a beautiful old woman.
M- You have proved beyond question that Socrates was a woman and beautiful, but why old?
S- Do they not say that having children ages one?
M- Yes, they do say so, and it is most true.
S- And two children would ave one faster than one?
M- Yes, quite so.
S- And three would age faster than two?
M- Yes.
S- Therefore Socrates, having all the children because she was beautiful, must have been quite old.
M- Yes, I understand perfectly.
S- Generally speaking, as one gets older is it not the case that one loses beauty?
M- Yes, I have observed this often.
S- And one who has lost beauty, are we not inclined to call that person ugly?
M- Yes, we are so inclined.
S- Then is it not true that Socrates was a beautiful, ugly old woman?
M- Without question!
S- But are not beauty and ugliness opposite qualities?
M- Yes.
S- No person could have existed that had two opposite qualities at the same time.
M- No, that is quite impossible.
S- Therefore Socrates did not exist.
M- Yes, that must follow.
S- And if Socrates did not exist, then his method could not have existed.
M- That, again, must follow.
S- Can one know anything about something which never existed?
M- Certainly not.
S- And can one write about something which one knows nothing about?
M- Again, no.
S- Then Marc, you did not write this paper about the Socratic method.
M- I guess not.
Dr. Shupe- My dear Marc, is this paper about the Socratic method?
Marc- Yes, indeed it is.
S- Did the socratic method originate with Socrates or did someoen else originate it--Homer for example?
M- No, Socrates originated it.
S- You did well to say so, Marc. For we konw that Homer cannot be trusted, and that Socrates has a great reputation for wisdom and honor, and most of all for his method, which is said to be a valid method of investigation.
M- Yes, I've said that myself
S- When we say that someone originated a thing, do we mean that he gave birth to it-that, in effect, it is his baby?
M- Yes, we often say that.
S- Who is most capable of giving birth, an individual who has knowledge of the birth process or one who is ignorant of it?
M- Why, one who is knowledgable, of course.
S- And is it not true that women are more knowledgeable about the birth process than men?
M- Without question.
S- Then to give birth to so excellent a thing, Socrates must have been a woman.
M- WHy, yes, that seems to follow, but...
S- Do you still have reservations? Look at it this way: Who is more knowledgeable about the birth process, a woman who has had many children, or a virgin?
M- Why, naturally, the woman with many children.
S- Then Socrates must have been a woman with many children.
M- Yes, I see. You have convinced me thoroughly.
S- And is it not true that a woman who is beautiful is more apt to have many children than a woman who is ugly and repulsive to men?
M- Yes, that is no doubt true.
S- Then those who told us that Socrates was ugly must have been lying.
M- They must have been.
S- IN fact, we may say that Socrates must have been a beautiful old woman.
M- You have proved beyond question that Socrates was a woman and beautiful, but why old?
S- Do they not say that having children ages one?
M- Yes, they do say so, and it is most true.
S- And two children would ave one faster than one?
M- Yes, quite so.
S- And three would age faster than two?
M- Yes.
S- Therefore Socrates, having all the children because she was beautiful, must have been quite old.
M- Yes, I understand perfectly.
S- Generally speaking, as one gets older is it not the case that one loses beauty?
M- Yes, I have observed this often.
S- And one who has lost beauty, are we not inclined to call that person ugly?
M- Yes, we are so inclined.
S- Then is it not true that Socrates was a beautiful, ugly old woman?
M- Without question!
S- But are not beauty and ugliness opposite qualities?
M- Yes.
S- No person could have existed that had two opposite qualities at the same time.
M- No, that is quite impossible.
S- Therefore Socrates did not exist.
M- Yes, that must follow.
S- And if Socrates did not exist, then his method could not have existed.
M- That, again, must follow.
S- Can one know anything about something which never existed?
M- Certainly not.
S- And can one write about something which one knows nothing about?
M- Again, no.
S- Then Marc, you did not write this paper about the Socratic method.
M- I guess not.
