Warped Stuff 2: Judgement Day

[Simon Darkshade]

Here is somethings that someone will hopefully find amusing
Why did the chicken cross the road?
>>> JERRY FALWELL: >> > Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what"they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that. >> > PAT BUCHANAN: >> > To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. >> > DR. SEUSS: >> > Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told! >>> MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. > > >> > GRANDPA: >> > In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. >> > >> > ARISTOTLE: >> > It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. >> > >> > KARL MARX: >> > It was a historical inevitability. >> > >> > SADDAM HUSSAIN: >> > This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. >> > >> > RONALD REAGAN: >> > What chicken? >> > >> > CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: >> > To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. >> > >> > >> FREUD: >> > The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. >>> >> > BILL GATES: >> > I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. >> > >> > EINSTEIN: >> > Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? >> > >> > BILL CLINTON: >> > I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please? >> > >> > LOUIS FARRAKHAN: >> > The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample >> > him and keep him down. >> > >> > THE BIBLE: >> > And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. >> > >> > COLONEL SANDERS: >> > I missed one?

>> Six presidents were on a sinking ship. >> >> Gerald Ford said, "What do we do?" >> >> George Bush said, "Man the lifeboats!" >> >> Ronald Reagan said, "Huh? What? Lifeboats?" >> >> Jimmy Carter said, "Women and children first!" >> >> Richard Nixon said, "Screw the women and children!" >> >> Bill Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"

>CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT: > >1. You Are Different and That's Bad >2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables >3. Dad's New Wife Timothy >4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share >5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It-Book >6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking >7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her >8. Curious George and the High-voltage Fence >9. All Dogs Go to Hell >10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched >11. Some Kittens Can Fly >12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption >13. Grandpa Gets a Casket >14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator >15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia >16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy >17. Strangers Have the Best Candy >18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way >19. You Were an Accident >20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will >21. Pop! Goes the Hamster . . . and Other Great Microwave Games >22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan >23. Your Nightmares Are Real >24. Where Would You Like to be Buried? >25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School >26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? >27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things >28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry


HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, wine & dine her, buy nice things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, respect her, go to the ends of the earth for her..... HOW TO IMPRESS MEN show up naked, bring food.

Hopefully that wasn't too long, and caused some merriment. <IMG SRC="http://forums.civfanatics.com/ubb/smile.gif" border=0>

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Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you.
- N.S.Khrushchev

[This message has been edited by Simon Darkshade (edited May 05, 2001).]

[This message has been edited by Simon Darkshade (edited May 05, 2001).]

[This message has been edited by Simon Darkshade (edited May 05, 2001).]

 

[Simon Darkshade]

Sorry about the repeat above. I tried to edit it out several times but it wouldn't respond. Maybe the computer was offended...

"It's like the kettle would rather kill itself than be used by me. Humph."
- Neil from "The Young Ones"

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Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you.
- N.S.Khrushchev

 

[Simon Darkshade]

Oh God! Now it left out the first bit.
I'll put that in this one. sorry if this seems like spam, but there is a difference between what i see now as a topic summary when typing the message, and what comes up when I view the end product. It doesn't just happen in this post, but enough of that, heres some jokes:

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD!
0.You Can Never Trust Someone Who Bleeds For six Days And Doesn't Die (women).
1. Constipated People Don't Give A ****.
2.Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3.If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4.Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5.If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth censored.
6.Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7.If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8.My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9.Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10.To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11.If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12.Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13.If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14.Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15.It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16.If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Butt.
17.You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18.The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19.I Have The Body Of A God... Budda
20.This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21.So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22.Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23.If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24.The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25.Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26.Illiterate? Write For Help
27.Honk If Anything Falls Off
28.Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29.He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30.I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31.You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32.I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33.Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
37.If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38.Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39.If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me BackOver...
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
40.Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are AlsoTimed For70mph.
41.Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
[Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
42.If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43.Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44.Ax Me About Ebonics
45.Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46.Boldly Going Nowhere
47.Cat: The Other White Meat
48.Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
49.Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
50.Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating Animal Friends
51.Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52.How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
53.If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, RiddleThem With Bullets.
54.Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55.Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
56.My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57.GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
58.All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59.Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
60.I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61.WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62.BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
63.So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious?
64.I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
65.Beauty is in the eye of the BEER holder.
66.Honk if you love peace and quiet

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."


THE FIVE LEVELS OF DRINKING LEVEL 1; It's 11;00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.". LEVEL 2; It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.". LEVEL 3; One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.". LEVEL 4; Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an....after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ..................cool. LEVEL 5; Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!" ----------

Have fun, my little ones.

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Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you.
- N.S.Khrushchev

 

[stellar converter]

those are the best jokes weve had here in a long long time. best since lefty's:

how many barbarians does it take to light a torch?

1000000.

1 to light it, the rest to discover fire!

thanks you

 

[scorch]

dude, wheres your enters?

 

[stellar converter]

maybe he thought it take up too much room? but its ok, take up as much as you want to!