SHTAR WORZ - ReTour ov teh CHEDDAR

[Thorvald of Lym]

And we're finally back in business! Mad kudos to Seon for providing the Korean dialogue; this might have been finished sooner, but he only told me the other day he had no interest in finishing the remainder. [proceeds to breathe down Tolni's neck]


Onboard the Doom Sphere, the elevator doors opened and Darth Lackarse elbowed his way past the Imperial sentries' cartoonishly-muscled arms to the Emporer's throne. The chair groaned as his master swung around. "You know, Lackey," the chimera grinned through gritted teeth, "NPC GMs stop being fun when they start whining about autonomy..."

"A SMALL REBEL FORCE HAS PENETRATED THE SHIELD AND LANDED ON K-POP."

"Tell me something I don't—"

"MY FAN IS WITH THEM."

The Emporer's face fell. "You're sure..?" he muttered, reaching for his checklist of 'random' calamities.

"I HAVE FELT HIM, MY MASTER." Off in the background, Chris Hansen peeked out from behind a pillar.

"Welp," he sighed, tossing away the clipboard, "I didn't plan it..." Focusing on his servant, the Emporer leaned forward. "I wonder if your feelings on this matter are clear, Lord Lackarse."

"THEY ARE CLEAR, MY MASTER."

"Then go to the Snektuary Moon and wait for him," he shrugged.

"HE WILL COME TO ME?"

The Emporer slouched back in his chair with a soft belch. "I have foreseen it. His compassion you will be his undoing. He'll come to you, then you bring him to me."

"AS YOU WISH," bowed Lackarse. The Emporer's chair squealed as he turned back toward the vastness of space. As he departed, the Dork Lord couldn't help wondering how the supposedly omnipotent God Mobian would've missed as significant a variable as Chris's presence...

Back on the moon, Chris plodded along, stopping so fast he nearly tipped himself over as he caught sight of Princess Kaiser's forgotten helmet. His heart raced as he picked it up, dream marriage collapsing as he pondered—

"Chris?" called Fegelein, "Chris!" The boy darted over to where the officer stood, inspecting the charred ruins of a speeder bike.

"Oh! Master Christos..." Farnsworth started, Jenkins blowing a low note as he slowly waved a portable scanner from side to side.

"Unsafe at any speed," Arkady muttered as Chris eyed the wreckage.

"theres two more wrecked speeders back their," he sighed, "And i found this!!" He tossed the helmet to Fegelein.

"I'm afraid that Jenkins' scanners can find no trace of Princess Kaiser," reported the gentleman. Chris looked away.

"I hope she's alright," the Obergruppenführer muttered, eyeing the boy meaningfully.

"Hold up, my scanners are detecting something!"

"What, Arkady?" he called as the first mate took off down a narrow path.

"Come and see!"

"What, Arkady?" he repeated, louder.

The posse followed the werewolf to a stick in the ground. Nestled between V-shaped branches was what looked like a computer screen with a faceted button in the shape of a 'play' marker. Behind it was a darkened image of a figure leaning over a piano. "Didn't think Imperial gold-farming was this brazen," Arkady muttered.

Fegelein peered at the display. "Doesn't look like clickbait... I don't get it."

"Maybe it's some kind of music video?"

Chris's eyes went wide as he realized the figure was East Asian. "Must be a lure of some kind," the officer surmised, "Alright, let's get back to—"

"Kid, no, wait—DON'T—!" But before Arkady could stop him, Chris leaped forward and hit the button. The video began to play: a young man, a grand piano, somewhat shaky cinematography as he pounded the keys. It was a fairly simple arrangement, and not unpleasant. The group watched warily as the camera panned around a ceiling-less room, dark red clouds billowing overhead. As one hand kept up a steady scale near the middle of the register, the other bounced between the bass and treble clefs. Fegelein nodded in approval of the melody. The pianist's hands flew across the keys, left to right, notes' resonance lingering in the air as the overture completed...

"I'm trapped."

As the main pop rhythm kicked into gear, a thick rope net sprung up and hoisted them into the air.

"Nice work," the officer growled.

"I've heard of corporate entrapment," Arkady grumbled, "But this really burns my cannoli!"

"Great, kid!" huffed Fegelein, face caught in a suspiciously face-shaped hole in the netting, "Great! Always thinking with your Yellow Fever!"

"Will you take it easy!!!" snapped Chris, "Lets just figure out a way to get out of ths thing!!!!!! Fegs can you reach my plamsa foil!!"

"Yeah, sure!" he rolled his eyes, trying to grapple his way to the other side of the net.

Jenkins gave a little whistle as he withdrew a pocketknife and started sawing through the ropes. "Jenkins," called Farnsworth, "I'm not sure that's such a good idea. It's a very long droOOOOOP—!" The bottom gave way and everyone tumbled onto the ground. As the men struggled to right themselves, a pack of sneks materialized from the underbrush. They approached the group warily, weapons drawn, hissing amongst themselves.

"Sneks," muttered the first mate, "Why did it have to be sneks?"

Chris and Fegelein looked about in bemusement at the tiny little warriors—until one in an elaborate headdress thrust a spear out before them. Fegelein's grin evaporated instantly. "Hey, point that thing some place else!" he scowled, slapping it aside. The snek turned to its comrade, hissing excitedly, before swinging the spear back. "I said—" he growled, grabbing the shaft and drawing his Walther.

"Fegs dont!" said Chris, "It'll be alright!"

"You can't just genocide all your problems—" he began, but slowly released the spear as the surrounding sneks poised their weapons. One reached out and snatched the gun away.

"Arkady give em your machinegun!"

"I know you don't like diploplay, but the way leverage works is—"

"Oh, my head!" moaned Farnsworth, sitting up. His suit had inexplicably turned blue and he sported large, circle-framed sunglasses. There was a loud gasp from the assembly as they froze in their tracks. "Oh, my goodness!" he cried, looking about.

«Igeon tto mwonya??» cried the headdressed snek.

«Geulssae? Ireon dongmureun cheoeumboneunde,» replied its companion.

«Hoksi gaeanilkka?»

«Neon mwodeunji gaenya!»

«Oegukgaeiljido moreujana? Bissannomdeul mariya!»

Several of the sneks began swaying to and fro, hissing in what sounded like some sort of ritual chant. Fegelein glanced around, highly amused at the display.

"Heoheo," Farnsworth stated with gentlemanly cordiality, "Dodaeche geudaedeureun nwisimnikka?"

«Heol, oegukgaeneun maldo hanabwa!»

«Gae aniranikka.»

«Geureommwonde?»

«Hoksi... sanjimseungi doreurikigo, seoneul kkaedareumyeon sansini doendago deureonneunde....»

"Eojjaeseo isane urigateun pijomureul ireondeocheuro okjoemnikka?" the gentleman addressed the lead snek.

«Ho...hoksi jinjja sansimnim anilkka? Jinjja naideureun saramcheoreom malhaneunde?»

«Hoksi moreunikka kkeureo! Aigo, sansinnim, eojjaeseo ijeya urihante dorawasseumnikka?»

"do you know what their saying???" asked Chris.

"Oh, yes, Master Christos! Remember that I am fluent in over six dozen forms of com—"

"What are you telling them?" Fegelein cut in, imperative.

"'Hello', I think. I could be mistaken—they're using a very primitive dialect—but I do believe they think I am some sort of god!" Jenkins chirrupped, and Chris could barely contain his laughter.

"Bozhye moy," Arkady muttered.

Fegelein forced a smile. "Well why don't you use your divine influence, and get us out of this?"

"I beg your pardon, Gruppenführer Fegelein, but that just wouldn't be proper!"

"Proper?"

"It's against diplomatic ethics to impersonate a diety!"

"Why you—!" Fegelein made for Farnsworth, but the sneks were on him in an instant. The officer put up his hands consolingly. "My mistake," he muttered. "He's an old friend of mine..."

Several moments later, the group found itself tied to poles and carried in procession as Farnsworth was ported on a makeshift litter. As the sun began to set, the sneks wove a path through the jungle and up platforms wrapping around the redwoods, using a set of vine swings to bridge the gaps betwixt. A snek blew on a pungi as the procession entered the secret tree-city, straw huts adorned with posters of famous Korean girl-bands. Fegelein frowned as he, Chris and Arkady were deposited over firepits; Jenkins was posted upright, still bound, while Farnsworth was seated at a raised platform overlooking the site. All the sneks had gathered for the spectacle, women and children alike. "I have a really bad feeling about this," muttered the Obergruppenführer.

«Sansinnim,» the chieftain said to Farnsworth, «Geudongan gongyangeul geeullihaeseo joesonghamnida!»

"Jeoneun geudaedeurege geureon gidaereul han jeogi eopseumnida," he replied, "Silmangttawineun eopseumnid."

«Sansinisiyeo, nohaji masoseo, sanjimseungeul sanyanghaneungeon uri bujogui miraereul wihaeseo haneungeotppun. Ijebuteo sanjimseungdeurui ilbureul gongyanghagesseumnida.»

"What did he say?" called Fegelein.

"I'm rather embarrassed, Gruppenführer Fegelein! But it appears you are to be the main course in a banquet in my honour."

"I died like the Good Guys in IOT," Arkady muttered, "Eaten alive."

The cook-sneks hissed up a jingle as they began prepping the firewood, soon accompanied by classical Indian instrumentals. Several sneks made way as Princess Kaiser emerged from a hut across the platform. She had been redressed in a bright, flowing sari; her hair hung loose, jumbo breadsticks tied in at regular intervals. "Kaiser!!" gasped Chris, blushing self-conscously as he registered his submissive position. Fegelein spun his head around. "Kaiser!" he couldn't help grinning. She made toward the firepit but was blocked by the guards.

"Your Royal Highness!" called Farnsworth.

"But these are my friends!" she sighed to the sneks. "Farnsworth, tell them they must be set free!"

"Today, if possible," deadpanned the werewolf.

Farnsworth tapped the elder. "Meomchwora! I subageul pulji motagenneunya!"

«Su... subak...?»

«Subageun eodiseo guhaji?» said a nearby snek. The chief shook its head, and the pit-workers carried on.

"Somehow I get the feeling that didn't help us very much," Fegelein hissed.

"Farnsworth," said Chris, "Tell them if they dont do as you wish, you'll becom eangry and use your magic!"

"But Master Christos, what magic? I can't possibly—!"

"JUST DO IT!!!" he snapped.

"Manyage subageul anpuldamyeon...." Farnsworth called, "BOOM!"

The sneks paused a moment, startled. «Sa...sansimnimkkeseo nohasyeotda!» cried he chieftain, «Mwolhaneunya? Eolleun jemureul batchwora!» The pit workers scrambled for torches and rushed to the pit, Fegelein shaking his head, thoroughly pissed off.

"You see, Master Christos?" wailed the gentleman, "They didn't believe me, just as I said they wouldn't!" Fegelein desperately tried to blow out the fire as the torches drew closer to the woodpile.

Chris closed his eyes, face settling into a trance-like look. At once, Farnsworth's throne lifted into the air. The sneks hissed in alarm, scattering about as the bigwigs cowered in terror. Farnsworth, too, cried in terror, arms waving about as the chair slowly rotated about. Chris slowly reopened his eyes. The snek chief hissed rapidly, motioning to the pit, and the workers rushed to free the captives. Grinning in relief, Fegelein and Kaiser hurried to embrace, spinning about as they shared a kiss to the excited hisses of the sneks. Farnsworth returned to his original seat, the sneks hissing and swaying in a relief as sincere as his own. The snek that had found the Princess struck up a conversation with Jenkins as the rest of the gang regrouped. "Thanks farnsworth!" called the boy.

"I... I never knew I had it in me."

Later that night, everyone gathered in a large hut where Farnsworth recounted our heroes' adventures from the beginning, with sound effects supplied by Jenkins.

Editor's note: Due to our translator backing out at the last minute, this segment is presented in English instead of Hangul as originally intended. Remember, kids: before recruiting volunteers, make sure you have leverage.

«Hear ye, hear ye! This is the story of the Fan Wars. Two series ago, Princess Kaiser was travelling with me and Jenkins. But we were attacked by Darth Lackarse!» *heavy breathing* «We had to free her from the Doom Sphere.» *ion engines, laser blast* «The brave Cheddar Monk Alec Guinness de Cuffe, battled Lackarse with his plasma foil.» *BZEEEEEEEWWWW* «And he—yes, Jenkins, I was just coming to that!—The FUR Suits!» *sqeak-boom, squeak-boom* as he pantomimed their walk. «Master Christos fought them with his speeder!» *zzzooooooommmm, PEW PEW! BOOM!* The sneks shuddered in alarm, baby sneks huddling close to their parents. «Then the Centurion Raptor flew to MMMBop.» *flyby FX* «But there was Lackarse!» *higher-pitched respirator* «Hermann Fegelein was put on hiatus!» *THUD* «To free him, we battled over the Lighthearter!» *whoom-whoom, KSHCCCKKK* The snek that found Kaiser cuddled up to Fegelein's leg and he grinned bemusedly. «And that's how we ended up here.»

A general chatter started up as the leaders conversed animatedly. Fegelein leaned in to the Princess. "What's going on?"

"I dunno..."

Having reached a decision, the snek rattled its staff and the musicians struck up a tune. Turning to Farnsworth, it made a declaration. "Wonderful!" he announced, "We are now a part of the tribe."

"Just what I always wanted," Fegelein grinned as he found himself hugged tight by a snek. While everyone else broke into celebration, Chris peeled away and headed outside. Kaiser noticed, and followed.

"Aren't they a little short to take on shock troopers?"

"Well, short help is better than no help at all, Arkady." Fegelein looked down to where the snek was still wrapped around his leg.

Disentangling himself, he stepped over to where Farnsworth had just finished speaking with the chief. "He says the scouts are going to show us the quickest way to the shield generator."

"Good. How far is it?"

"Um—"

"Ask him."

Farnsworth turned about. «How far is—»

Fegelein tapped his shoulder. "We need some fresh supplies, too."

«Do you have—»

"Try and get our weapons back."

«Would you return—»

"Hurry up, will ya? I haven't got all day."

Outside, Kaiser crossed a walkway to where Chris was staring off into the distance. "Chris, what's wrong?" she asked softly.

"Kaiser," he breathed, spinning about as he registered her presence. "Do you remember you're mother? you're real mother??"

"Just a little bit." Chris sat down on the railing, and she joined him. "She died when I was very young."

"WHat do you remember???"

"Just... images, really. Feelings."

"Tell me!"

She sighed, hesitating. "She was... very beautiful. Kind. But... sad." Chris was staring down at the walkway, unfocused. "Why are you asking me this?"

"i have no memory of my mother," he muttered, "i never knew here."

"Chris, tell me," she leaned in, "What's troubling you?"

Chris suddenly came to. "Lackarse is here," he stated plainly, "Now, on this moon!"

A pause. "How do you know?"

"i felt his presence! He;s come for me! He can feel when i'm here! That's hwy i have to go!! As long as I stay I'm endangering the group and the mission!!!" Swallowing, he said: "I have to face him!!!!"

"Why?"

Chris started, paused, licked his lips, then replied: "He's my idol."

Kaiser stared at him in disbelief. "Your idol??"

"Theres more," he pressed, "if I don't make it back you're the only hope for hte Resistance!"

"Chris, don't talk that way!" she scoffed, "You have a power I—I don't understand! I could never have!"

"The Farce is strong in my family," he muttered, dropping his gaze. "My father had it... I have it... and... my sister... has it..."

"You have a sister?" Kaiser repeated, now thoroughly dumbfounded.

"Yes, but I don't..." He glanced back up at her and froze. His jaw slackened and his eyes steadily widened, while Kaiser ever-so-slowly leaned away. "IT'S YOU, KAISER!!!!!!" he whispered, softly and gently.

She blinked, frozen in place, an unreadable expression on her face. "I know," she whispered, almost inaudible, "I don't know how, but..." She gasped as realization struck. "Wait, back on—back when—were you hitting on—"

"Then you know why I have to face him!!" he cut in.

"No!" she exclaimed, leaping to her feet, "Chris, run away! Far away! If he can feel your presence then leave this place! I wish I could go with you—"

"No you don;t!"

"No, I don't."

"You've always been strong!"

"But, why must you confront him?" she implored, desperate to move the conversation somewhere else.

"Because there is good in him, I have felt it!! He won't turn me over to the emporer i can save him i can turn him back to the good side!!!!!" Kaiser frowned at him, thoroughly unconvinced. "I haveto try!!"

After a momen's silence, he leaned in; Kaiser flinched as he pecked her cheek, then turned away, trudging off into the darkness. Overwhelmed, she leaned against the opposite railing. Fegelein strode in, looking from Chris's retreating back to the rattled Princess. "What's going on?"

Kaiser cast a quick glance his way. "Nothing," she lied, "I—I just want to be alone for a little while."

"Nothing?" he deadpanned, walking over and sitting down opposite. "C'mon, tell me, what's going on?"

She turned to face him, struggling to speak. "I... I can't tell you," she said at last.

"You could tell Chris," he pressed, gesturing into the distance, "But you can't tell me?"

"I—!" she choked, facing away. Fegelein sighed, backing away as he turned back toward the huts. He stopped, then slowly made to rejoin her.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

No longer able to will back the tears, Kaiser turned and pulled him into a tight embrace. "Hold me," she sighed. Fegelein complied, cradling her gently.

 

[poketwo]

YOU HAVEN'T PUT THE SCYTHERS IN YET. YOU WILL REGRET THIS!

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

The Doom Sphere's egregious skeleton loomed large over the K-pop sky. Carved out of the priceless jungle below, a giant satellite dish thrust almost as phallically towards its mentor. The immediate focus, however, was an illuminated landing platform some distance ahead, where a paper-plane shuttle was making its descent. Striding out unaccompanied was Darth Lackarse; down below, a giant coyote-shaped mecha lumbered up to an elevated docking port, main cannon swinging brazenly back and forth. Leaving the station guard in the elevator, Lackarse crossed the open bridge as an Imperial officer emerged from the mecha, a team of shock troopers marching Chris forward, his hands cuffed.

"This is a rebel that surrendered to us," the officer began without even cursory acknowledgment of rank or protocol. Lackarse's expressionless mask turned to the boy; Chris stared back, defiant. "Although he denies it, I believe there may be more of them, and I request permission to conduct a further search of the area." Lackarse turned back to the officer. "He was armed only with this," he added, handing the Dork Lord Chris's plasma foil.

"GOOD WORK, COMMANDER," said Lackarse. "LEAVE US. CONDUCT YOUR SEARCH, AND BRING HIS COMPANIONS TO ME." Chris's head jerked up.

"Yes, my Lord," he replied, turning about and re-embarking.

Side-by-side, Chris and Lackarse strode back across the platform. "THE EMPORER HAS BEEN EXPECTING YOU."

"I know, Goerge," the boy replied, neutral.

Lackarse gave a side-take. "SO, YOU HAVE ACCEPTED THE TRUTH?"

"i've accepted the truth that you were once George lucas, my idol—"

"THAT NAME," Lackarse interjected, turning about and brandishing the plasma foil, "NO LONGER HAS ANY MEANING FOR ME."

Chris recoiled slightly, hesitating a moment. "It is the name of you're true self youve only forgotten!! I know there is good in you!! The emporer hasnt driven it from you fully!!!" Calming down he turned away, walking over to the side of the bridge. "That was why you couldn;t destroy me! Thats why you wont bring me over to you're emporer now!" He spun around as Lackarse engaged the blade.

"I SEE YOU HAVE CONSTRUCTED A NEW PLASMA FOIL," said the Dork Lord, gripping it appraisingly. "YOUR SKILLS ARE COMPLETE." Disengaging the foil, he turned to the opposite side. "INDEED YOU ARE POWERFUL, AS THE EMPORER HAS FORESEEN."

Chris swallowed, licking his lips. "Come with me!"

"ALEC GUINNESS ONCE THOUGHT AS YOU DO," he muttered, almost ruefully. "YOU DON'T KNOW THE POWER OF THE DORK SIDE," he rumbled, turning about, "I MUST OBEY MY MASTER."

The boy shook his head, defiantly confident. "I will not turn, and youll be forced to kill me!"

Lackarse paused. "IF THAT IS YOUR DESTINY," he declared.

"Search your feelings george you can;t do this!" Chris strode up right before his inspiration. "I feel the conflict withing you let og of you're hate!!!!"

"IT IS TOO LATE FOR ME, FAN," stated Lackarse. He flicked his hand, and—wait wait hold on, that sounds like a door opening! Last I checked those never have windows—how could they see his signal? ...Anyway, the shock troopers from the lift strode over to escort Chris. "THE EMPORER WILL SHOW YOU THE TRUE NATURE OF THE FARCE. HE IS YOUR MASTER NOW."

"THen my iodol is truely dead," Chris wavered, panic spreading across his face. Lackarse watched the soldiers march his fan to the elevator; the door closed, leaving him alone to mull over his thoughts. He walked slowly over to the other side of the bridge, gripping the guardrail... lemme get a picture of that, s'not often they're included in Imperial engineering.

------------------------------

Bright and early the next morning, the commandos were on the move. "Eyes up front!" shout-whispered Arkady, waving a squad forward from his point behind a fallen log. Kaiser, Fegelein and Farnsworth crept forward to see the shuttle lift off from the platform.

Kaiser consulted a handheld computer. "The main entrance to the control bunker is on the far side of that landing platform." Behind them, her rescue snek was chatting with another. "This isn't gonna be easy."

"Don't worry," said Fegelein as the trio ducked behind the trunk, "Arkady and me have got into a lot of places more heavily-guarded than this."

"Yeah, but this time we've gotta watch collateral," muttered the werewolf.

«Jamkkanmanyo!» exclaimed the snek.

"Museunirisinji?" asked Farnsworth.

«Chimnyakjadeurui gijireul deo jasehi bosillyeomyeon sandeungseomi neomeoe bimiltongnoga isseumnida,» it replied.

Fegelein looked to the gentleman, quizzical. "What's he saying?" Kaiser asked.

"He says, there's a secret entrance on the other side of the ridge!"

Meanwhile, IN SPAAAAAAAAAAACE!, an adrenaline-pumping stinger picked up as the Centurion Raptor led a squad of strike craft through last-minute manoeuvres as the fleet formed up. "Admiral, we're in position," reported hoplitejoe as the force reached the front of the capital ships. "All fighters accounted for."

"Initiate hyperspace countdown," ordered Red_Spy, deck chair swinging around to face front. "All groups align to attack co-ordinates."

As two crew members took their seat in the cockpit, HJ's co-pilot, a cow dressed in stereotypical ninja garb spoke up: «Strewth, mate!» it exclaimed, language so alien nobody could possibly hope to translate it, «Ya sure this bitzer bail-up ain't gonna come a gutser?»

"Don't worry! My friend's down there! He'll have that shield down on time!"

«Well that's ace, I'd hate ta rock up while he's on walkabout.»

"...Or this'll be the shortest offensive of all time," he muttered, commencing final preparations.

"All craft," called the admiral, "Prepare for hyperspace jump on my signal."

"Alright, standby," HJ relayed; without waiting for confirmation he pulled the lever. The stars before them stretched into pillars of light, and one-by-one the fighters winked out of existence, the battleships swiftly following.

Back on the surface, a snek secretly observed an Imperial position from the ferns. Hissing rhythmically, it beckoned Fegelein and the command squad over. "Back door, huh?" Fegelein observed, "Good idea." While most of the group gathered around the Obergruppenführer, the scout conversed with Kaiser's rescue snek before slithering off. "There's only a few guards; this shouldn't be too much trouble."

Farnsworth leaned in as the snek tapped his elbow. «Sansimnim, jeonjaengsi junbireul wihae ijejeo seupideo baikeuneun uri bujogi jeopsuhagesseumnida!»

"Mwo? Geseotgeora!" he exclaimed.

"Well it only takes one to sound the alarm," muttered Kaiser.

"Then we'll do it really quietly," smirked Fegelein.

"Oh! Oh my! Princess Kaiser—!"

"Shh, quiet!" she clapped her hand over the gentleman's mouth.

Much softer, he continued: "I'm afraid our scaly companion has gone and done something rather rash." He gestured to where the scout had headed.

"Bozhe moy," groaned Arkady.

"Oh, no..!" Kaiser sighed. They watched, helpless, as it slithered up to an unattended speeder bike.

"There goes our surprise attack," muttered the officer. Settling into the seat, the snek gripped the controls and primed the engine.

"Look, over there!" cried a trooper huddled at the bunker entrance, "Stop him!" His three companions raced to the scene, but with a jubilant hiss the snek sped off. The other guards hopped on their hoverbikes and gave pursuit, leaving their dejected companion behind.

"Not bad for no feet," Fegelein appraised, "Now there's only one left." He rose to his feet. "You stay here," he instructed the gentleman, "We'll take care of this." Nodding to Kaiser, they broke off.

Farnsworth shuffled over to Jenkins and the snek, who sounded off triumphantly. "I have decided that we shall stay here."

Meanwhile, the snek raider settled back onto the bike having momentarily lifted off from the lift-off. A shot from its pursuers sent it spinning laterally. Levelling out, it grabbed an oncoming vine, disappearing into the canopy as the soldiers continued the chase.

Back at the bunker, the lone guard stood watch; Fegelein crept up behind him, tapping his shoulder before darting off in the opposite direction. "TAGYOU'REIT!" he called as the trooper got his bearings.

"Ohoho, you're so dead!" he laughed, giving pursuit. Rounding the corner he came face-to-face with Fegelein and seven Resistance soldiers, weapons drawn. "Heyyy, this isn't tag..!"

The doors slid open with a blast... somehow... and the command squad crept in, the shock trooper returning to his post.

Onboard the Doom Sphere, a column of red bars lit up before the door slid aside, and Lackarse led Chris down the ominous walkway leading to the throne of the Emporer of Teh Galaxy.

Just... give 'em a moment.

Plays out the music, helps draw out the mood.

Chris flinched as the chair swiveled about with a mind-numbing screech.

"Wel—UUURP!" Pipes and loose objects rattled from the belch. "Welcome, young christos200," the Emporer smiled, fangs on full display, "I've been expecting you! You no longer need those." With a flick of his finger, the handcuffs disengaged and fell to the floor. The boy tried to up on a nonchalant face. "Guards, leave us," he called boredly; the two genejacked abominations flanking the elevator door lumbered off to some nondescript place on the far side.

Chris stared into the inhuman visage of the Master of Dorkness, swallowing softly. "I'm looking forward to completing your training," the Emporer continued, uncanny grin instantly returning, "In time you will call me... Dadd—I mean Master!"

"Your gravelly mistaken!" Chris forced a smile; Lackarse pivoted toward him. "YOu wont convert me as you did george lucas!"

"Oh no, my young Cheddai," he breathed, livery creaking as he staggered to his feet, waddling up before the pair, "You'll find it's you that's mist—urp—" the back of his hand flew to his mouth, "—aken... about a great. many. things." Still standing a couple steps down, Chris was forced to look up as the chimera leered down at him.

"HIS PLASMA FOIL," said Lackarse, handing it over.

"Ah yes," he noted, "A Cheddai's weapon. Much like your father's..." The Emporer smirked teasingly. In the sense of an inside joke. ...I think..? God, I hope... "Of course by now you know Lackey can never be turned from the Dork Side... So will it be with you."

"Your wrong," Chris growled, doing his best to look intimidating, "Soon i';ll be dead and you with me!!!"

The Emporer burst out into shrill laughter that morphed into a wheeze. "You mean the 'sneak attack' by your rebel fleet?" The boy's face went whiter than a Trump rally. "Yeah... I can assure you, we're quite safe from your 'friends' here." Turning his back he waddled toward his throne.

"YOur over confidence is your weakness!" Chris called.

"And your faith in your 'friends' is yours," he shot back.

"IT IS POINTLESS TO RESIST, MY FAN," said Lackarse.

The Emporer settled back into his seat with a grunt and a gurgle from his prodigious belly. "Everything that's transpired has done so according to my design," he announced. "Your 'friends', up there on the snektuary moon?" He gestured off to the side. "They're walking straaaight into a trap!" Chris shook his head, eyes widening. "And so's your fleet." The chair groaned as he leaned forward. "It was I who allowed the Resistance to know the location of the shield generator," he chuckled, "It's quite safe from your pitiful little band." The boy began shaking. "An entire legion of my best troops awaits them!" Licking his lips, he put on a mock pout. "I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your 'friends' arrive..! Heh! Haha! HaHAhahaHAHAAAAA—!"

At that moment, the blast door to the generator power room blew open "Alright!" shouted Fegelein to the startled techies, "Up! Move! Schnell!" The Resistance fanned out across the room, little more than a control panel with several seats. "Arkady..."

"More blasters for the fire sale," he grinned, moving to subdue them as soldiers punched out an oncoming officer at the opposite end.

"Fegs, hurry," Kaiser called as she pored over the computer, "The fleet will be here any moment."

The prisoners nervously backed up against the w—hey wait is the CO Ben Shapiro??"

"Facts don't care about your feelings, Ben," the werewolf smirked menacingly.

"Charges!" barked the officer, "C'mon! C'mon!" A comrade tossed him a satchel.

Unbeknownst to the saboteurs, Imperial reinforcements had mustered and were rushing the bunker. "Oh my!" cried Farnsworth, "They'll be captured!" The snek made an exclaimed hiss before speeding off. "W-w-wait! Come back!" But it was no use. "Jenkins! Stay with me!" he grabbed his compatriot's shoulder protectively; Jenkins gave a bemused squawk.

"Freeze!" cried an Imperial officer who... also looks like Ben Shapiro? as he rounded the corner of the control room.

"Andrew Neil sends his regards!" Fegelein hurled a charge that knocked the man over the railing with a shrill scream. But only seconds later shock troopers stormed the room.

"You rebel scum!" sneered the CO, a man utterly unremarkable if not for his nasal twinge.

"You violated the NAP!" cried Arkady as soldiers wrestled away his machine gun, "I'll roast your asses in court!"

Meanwhile, so high you can't touch the sky because it's an empty void, hoplitejoe brought the Raptor out of light speed, the fleet phasing in behind him. He looked up anxiously at the blip-of-a-battlestation next to the huge... moon...

I...

I can't keep doing this. I just...

It was day on the ground, we saw the Doom Sphere up there in the night sky, I'm looking at it NOW, and THAT SIDE OF THE PLANET MOON IS IN GOD-DAMNED SHADOW!! AM I THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE, THAT GIVES A FLYING FRAG GRENADE ABOUT THE MOTOR-BOATING RULES OF PHYSICS?!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

...

...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

...

...

...

hhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

...

Okay.

I think I'm done.

So.

Admiral Red_Spy swiveled forward as the strike craft took point. "All wings report in," called HJ.

"Red Leader, standing by," said Omega.

"Grey Leader, standing by."

"ponies," echoed a figure that kind of resembled Darth Lackarse, except the suit was metallic orange and wore a peaked cap instead of a helmet.

"Lock S-foils in attack position," ordered Omega. The X-wings unfolded, while some of those newer craft—long and narrow, cockpits affixed at the top rather than the middle—deployed stub wings hinged two-thirds up the hull... I think I'll call them Cross Bombers.

"May the Farce prove disproportionately beneficial to our effort," muttered Red_Spy.

«Oi, mate,» piped up the ninja cow, «Not to be a knocker, but methinks our scanner's carked it.»

HJ glanced over to the console. "We've gotta be able to get some kind reading on that shield—up or down."

«Unless them pollies are givin' us a royal rort?»

"Well how could they be jamming us if they don't know w—" HJ froze, the implication setting in. "...if we're coming... Break off the attack!" he pounded the radio, "The shield is still up!"

"Are you sure?" called Omega, "If the shield is down, they could be jamming us to fake the—crap, did we even plan a contingency for this?"

"Pull up! All craft, pull up!"

Banking hard any way they could, the strike craft aborted the trajectory. "Implement evasive manoeuvres!" called the admiral, "Green Group, maintain holding pattern at sector reference M-V-7..." The fleet broke formation as the capital ships fought against their own momentum.

"Admiral!" called a deck hand, "We have enemy ships in sector 3-7!"

"The enemy has exploited our ambush to conduct its own ambush!"

Regrouping to port side, the fleet ran headlong into all those leftover construction paper triangles from the arts and crafts class. "Fighters, coming in!" called HJ before being swarmed with... oh wow, even the damn Kite Flyers are made out of Pythagorean formulae now.

"There's... too many of them!" called Grey Leader, more worried about hitting the actual fighters than their lazor fire.

"Decelerate to attack speed," ordered the social justice warrior, "Draw their fire away from the cruisers!"

"Copy, Gold Leader," acknowledged Omega. The Raptor pitched sharply, two Kite Flyers on its tail as it skimmed the Yamato's starboard flank.

"Come, boy," the Emporer's smug voice oozed, "See for yourself!" Chris stepped up trepidatiously to a side window in the viewport where lazor fire blinked about the opposing fleets. "From here, you will witness the final destruction of the Alliance, and the end of your insignificant Resistance." Chris spun about, glancing down to his plasma foil on the far armrest. "You want this, don't you?" he breathed, taloned fingers stroking it in what can only be described as seductively, "The hate is swelling in you now..!" Standing at the opposite side, Lackarse shivered slightly. "Take your Cheddar weapon," he purred, "Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it! Give in to your anger! With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant!"

Chris shook gently, spinning back from the window to the Emporer. "No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he said calmly and in complete control.

"It is unavoidable," he sang, "It is your destiny... You, like Darth Lackarse, are now..." he licked his lips noisily, "Mine."

 

[GenMarshall]

Ok, I can't help but read Tani the Emperor's lines without maintaining a straight face!

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Fegelein, Kaiser and Arkady headed the mournful procession of captured Resistance fighters as the shock troopers shepherded them back outside. A vehicle pilot struck a Mussolini pose from the hatch of a dwarf walker that resembled an exaggerated cartoon unicorn, ears and horn doubling as lazor cannons. Officers and grunts milled about as a second ponywalker lumbered behind, one shock trooper trapping captured perimeter scouts in a never-ending Simon Says of keeping their hands on their heads. "Alright, move it!" barked a trooper, and the posse was ushered forward.

As empowered schoolyard bullies hassled the captives, Farnsworth shuffled out from behind a tree, gazing down to the assembled company from a vantage point up the hill. "Hello!" he called, "I say! Over there!" The soldiers spun around. "Were you looking for me?"

Fegelein turned about, staring incredulously, while the soldiers erupted into anxious chatter. "You twit!" barked Arkady.

"Bring those two down here!" shouted an officer; Princess Kaiser looked on curiously, given only Farnsworth could be seen.

As a squad raced up the hill, the gentleman scrambled back behind the tree to Jenkins. "Well, they're on their way," he muttered. "Jenkins, are you sure this was a good idea?"

"Freeze!" called a shock trooper, his comrades spreading out, weapons drawn, "Don't move!"

Waving his arms nervously, Farnsworth took a moment to gauge the group. "We surrender!"

With a sudden, loud hiss, sneks poured over an outcropping, tackling the troopers as the gentleman scrambled to safety. Princess Kaiser's rescue snek accompanied the chieftain as reinforcements rushed into position. From high up the trees, pungis bellowed and the valley echoed with hisses as scores of archers surfaced, bombarding the guards. Seizing on the confusion, the Resistance fighters turned on their captors; Fegelein grabbed a nearby trooper to play human bowling. "Here, hold this," grunted Arkady, dropping a soldier on his comrade before pulling a rebel to his feet. Kicking a trooper back down, Kaiser shot the ponywalker pilot as he stared stupefied at the unfolding mayhem.

Recovering from the ambush, the Imperial forces scrambled into action, firing wildly as bikers took off and squads charged the front line. The Resistance commandos, meanwhile, fought to clear a zone of control around the entrance. Kaiser lay down covering fire as Fegelein raced to the bunker, only for the doors to seal before them.

Covered by the ponymechs, shock troopers ran after the retreating sneks, only to be body-checked by vine-swingers, plastic armour squealing and cracking under ceaseless blows from cricket bats. A glider-borne warrior tried to bomb a walker, but the caustic review bounced off harmlessly. It was far more effective against the exposed troops, but a wild shot from a collapsing soldier struck the wing and sent it tumbling to earth. Leading a squad of its own, the chieftain tried to trip up the mech as it strode by, but it proved too OP for their tug-of-war and the sneks were dragged along helplessly. Elsewhere, ambushers slung BTS singles to knock out Imperial pursuers.

Rallying back against the rebels, a detachment tried to pin Fegelein and Company as Kaiser scrambled to hack the bunker. "Code's changed," she shouted, "We need Jenkins!"

The Obergruppenführer took her place as she sheltered against the door, scrabbling for her radio. "Here's the terminal..."

"Jenkins, where are you? We need you at the bunker right away!" Fegelein scored a precise shot on an ambushing shock trooper.

"Going?!" cried Farnsworth as a snek fire team slithered past, "What do you mean you're going?!" The shorter man chirrupped. "Going where, Jenkins?!" he sputtered as his partner headed off. "No, wait!" he hustled in pursuit, "Jenkins! This is no time for heroics! Come baaaack!"

As a ponywalker chased after a group of sneks, their comrades shot a barrage of rockets, but its armour was too strong, and they scrambled for cover as it returned fire while a sapper hacked uselessly at another's leg. Above the moon, the fleet remained entangled in a virtual mêlée of its own, the Centurion Raptor playing chicken with oncoming Kite Flyers skimming the starboard flank of a corvette. "Watch yourself, Megs," called HJ, "Three from above!"

"Red 3, Red 2, pull in."

"Got it," replied a pilot of one of the new fighters... I think I'll call 'em AA-wings, 'cuz they sorta look like flying door wedges... who despite obviously being a woman was dubbed over for some reason... aaaand just got shot down. So much for "Woke Disney" I guess.

"Three of them," reported the Orange Lackarse, "Coming in, 20 degrees."

"Cut to the left," Omega replied, "I'll take the leader." A fighter on her tail, she clung to the lead Kite Flyer as it dove beneath an Allied battleship, scoring a direct KO as it pitched back up. Levelling off, she drew the other fighter too close to the ship's underside and it slammed into the hangar bay. "They're heading for the medical frigate! ...Freaking Imperials."

Blasting the fighters pursuing another AA-wing, the Raptor banked left, speeding under the frigate's keel. "Pressure steady," reported a crewman.

«Beaut,» said the ninja cow.

Finishing off the last fighter, the Raptor levelled off facing the main fleet. "Only the fighters are attacking," noted hoplitejoe, "I wonder what those Star Destructors are waiting for?" With no time to mull over the mystery, the ship veered around to rejoin the fight.

Onboard the flagship, a petty officer strode up to Tyo standing at the front of the bridge. "We're in attack position now, sir."

"Hold here."

The admiral's adjutant faced him, incredulous. "We're not going to attack?"

"I have my orders from the Emporer himself," he shrugged, "He has something 'special' planned for them. We only need to keep them from escaping."

Chris watched the light show from the throne room, shoulders heaving. "As you can see, my young apprentice," the Emporer purred, "Your 'friends' have failed." The boy turned about, grimacing. The chimera smiled, mirthless and predatory. "Now witness the firepower of this fully-armed and OPERATIONAL battle station!" Licking his lips, he tilted his head to the control panel, activating the intercom. "Fire at will, commander!"

Chris's head spun back to the window. Within the bowels of the Doom Sphere, operators began mashing buttons as they desperately tried to recall the arming sequence. "Fire," ordered the actual Mussolini look-alike, shooting a thumbs-up to the targeting officer standing at a console behind him. A greenish-yellow beam shot through a tunnel where two crewmen were perched precariously on a narrow, open platform, shielding their eyes against the pure failure. Seven more like beams shot from the outer edges of the dish, converging at a point above the centre, fusing into a single solid column that struck a Covenant battleship, obliterating it and its screen.

«Fair suck o' the sav!» cried the Raptor's co-pilot as the ship rocked from... uh, HJ jerking the wheel? It's not like you'd get a pressure wave in space...

"That blast came from the Doom Sphere!" he exclaimed, "That thing's operational!" As the alien blinked to clear the after-image, HJ punched the comms. "Home One, this is Gold Leader."

"Acknowledged," replied Red_Spy, "Prepare all craft for immediate evacuation."

"You won't get another chance at this, Admiral..."

"No recourse available, General hoplitejoe. Magnitude of firepower grossly surpasses fleet defence capability."

"Fegs will have that shield down," he pressed, "We've gotta give him more time..!"

As an Imperial fireteam skirmished with the Resistance defenders, a band of sneks snuck in from behind. "What!" shouted a shock trooper before being cricketed. A befuddled Fegelein picked himself up as the gentlemen approached from the right flank.

"We're coming!" Farnsworth cried, dodging lazor fire. The officer peeked around the opposite side, scoring a direct hit on a trooper's face. The taller gentleman screamed as a blast narrowly missed his head, ducking behind the doors' inner frame while Jenkins sidled up to the controls. Thumbing the USB port, Fegelein backed up, scanning the perimeter. "Oh! Jenkins! Hurry!" cried his compatriot as he plugged in and commenced the hack.

Fegelein tried to peer around the stout gentleman, only for a nearby blast to force him back. Popping out from the bushes, a sharpshooter fired at the terminal; it flashed and fizzled, Jenkins flying out of his shoes from a violent electric shock. "My goodness!" Farnsworth cried. Fegelein promptly returned fire, but it was too late—the man twitched in aftershock, smoke rising from his singed suit. "Jenkins, why did you have to be so brave?" A feeble whistle answered.

As Kaiser recovered from the shock, Fegelein sighed stoically. "Well, I suppose I could hotwire this thing..."

"I'll cover you." She took point as he opened the circuit panel, pulling out wires.

Deeper into the forest, the ponywalkers had formed up and were decimating the sneks. Slithering down a depression, two were thrown head-over-tail by a meme blast. Righting itself, the lighter-coloured snek tugged its darker companion onward, but the body lay still. When gentle shakes failed to rouse it, the lucid snek collapsed on top with a quiet hiss.

Back in orbit, a Resistance wing narrowly escaped the Doom Sphere's failcannon as it memed a destroyer to death. "Yes, I said closer!" HJ shouted through the radio, the Raptor closing in on the Imperial fleet, "Move as close as you can, and engage those Star Destructors at point-blank range!"

"Such close range will rapidly deteriorate fleet integrity," the Admiral replied.

"We'll last longer than we will against that Doom Sphere," noted the social justice warrior, "And we might just take a few of them with us!"

The Raptor led a group of strike fighters over the surface of an Imperial war triangle, pursued by equally Pythagorean Kite Flyers. "She's gonna blow!" cried a pilot, seconds before his X-wing disintegrated as a geodesic dome atop the capital ship's bridge exploded.

"Glad that wasn't me," muttered the pilot of visible ethnicity.

Elsewhere, fighters trailed a Tuning Fork bomber as it ducked beneath the Wedge to End All Wedges' port side. "I'm hiiiit!" he screamed, the craft plummeting into a lesser battleship.

"Your fleet is lost," the Emporer gloated from the VIP box, "And your friends on the K-pop Moon will not survive..!" The throne groaned as he shifted his weight. "There is no escape, my young apprentice." Pleadingly, Chris looked to Lackarse, but the Dork Lord remained impassive. "The Alliance will die... as will your 'friends'." He pressed the intercom again. "Commander, should the rebels manage to blow up the shield generator, you will turn this battle station onto the K-pop Moon and destroy it."

Down at the control station, il duce took a moment to process the order. "Yes Your Highness," he started, "But we have several battalions stationed on the moon..."

"You. Will. Destroy it," the speaker growled.

The station commander took a slow breath. "Yes, Your Highness," he muttered. Channel closing, he glanced back to the targeting officer.

Chris was shaking again. His gaze dropped to the plasma foil lying on the armrest. "Good," breathed the chimera; eyes closed, head raised, he grinned lustfully. "I can feel your anger..." The boy averted his gaze. "I am defenseless," he hissed, "Take your weapon! Strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey towards the Dork Side will be complete!" Jaw sliding back and forth, Chris pivoted forcefully, flexing his fists. Suddenly he spun around, shooting out his arm to summon his blade. No sooner did he engage his foil than Lackarse ignited his own; the blades connected perfectly in front of the Emporer, who broke into a malicious cackle.

Two sneks and Arkady crested an embankment, finding a ponymech chasing after their comrades. "I think it's time we evened the score," declared the werewolf, breaking into a sprint with the sneks in tow. As the mecha lumbered on, Arkady took the sneks on his back, scrambling up a tree to find a swinging vine.

The vehicle crew looked about in confusion as they heard a rattling, before a snek appeared upside-down in front of the left viewport. "Look!" cried the gunner.

"Get him off of there," snapped the driver.

No sooner had the man opened the hatch than Arkady hoisted him out and over the side. "Get some exercise!" he shouted over the soldier's scream. The sneks dropped down, beating the driver into submission before taking the controls. "Chyort!" he barked as the mech lurched forward, quickly sinking into the cockpit. Closing in on a walker from behind, they blasted the cabin to smithereens; the retreating sneks wheeled about, hissing in celebration. "Time to find out who's Best Pony," he smirked to his squaddies. The captured mech opened fire on the Imperials, sending shock troopers scrambling for cover. The darker of Arkady's co-pilots clapped him on the shoulder. "Yeah, this is pretty based."

Ambushing a pair of speeder bikes, a snek snagged one's front-end in a lasso, scrambling for cover as the rope pulled the screaming driver into an explosive death spiral around a tree trunk. The second driver clotheslined on a tripwire, while elsewhere a squad was pummelled with 2NE1 albums. Up in the trees, sneks hacked at binding vines, sending a pair of logs smashing a walker's cabin. Elsewhere, on a scout's signal another ambush let loose an avalanche of logs that tripped up a mech, sending it toppling to the ground in a violent explosion.

Back at the bunker, Fegelein fiddled with the circuits. "I think I got it—!" he shouted, connecting the wires. "I got it!" The quartet spun around as a second set of blast doors sealed shut over the first. The Obergruppenführer rolled his eyes.

Distracted, the princess didn't see as a shock trooper took aim, blasting her in the left shoulder and sending her tumbling backwards. The officer immediately dove to her side. "Princess Kaiser!" cried Farnsworth, "Are you alright?!"

"Let's see," he said, manoeuvring her into cover.

She shook her head, grunting "It's not bad."

"Freeze!" barked a helmeted voice.

"Oh dear!" gasped the gentleman.

"Don't move!" A pair of shock troopers ambled up. Fegelein looked to Kaiser, who grinned, readying her pistol.

"I love you," he sighed.

"I know."

"Hands up!" snapped a soldier. "Stand up!"

The Nazi pivoted and Kaiser delivered two quick shots, flooring the troopers. The elation overed quickly, though, as Fegelein looked up to see a ponymech striding forward, cannons ready. "Stay back," he warned, rising to his feet.

The cockpit hatch opened and a werewolf emerged. "Now this is a Kodak moment!"

"Arkady!" laughed the officer.

"Do you have a moment to discuss the New Lunar Republic?"

"Get down here!" he gestured to his left, "She's wounded!"

"Chyort," the first mate cried, hoisting himself up.

"—No, wait!" He turned to Kaiser. "I have an idea..."

Back inside the Mother of All Hornyposting, Chris struggled to fend off a flurry of strikes from Lackarse. As the Dork Lord took a moment to rally, he launched a probing barrage of his own. As the blades connected high, he kicked his opponent in the gut; Lackarse tumbled head-over-heels to the lower floor to a gleeful cackle. "Good," called the Emporer, and a nervous Chris turned about. "Use your aggressive feelings, boy! Let the hate flow through you!" Amidst the chuckling, Chris turned back as Lackarse picked himself up. The boy disengaged his foil.

"ALI-G HAS TAUGHT YOU WELL," the Dork Lord remarked.

"i will not fight you goerge."

Lackarse slowly climbed the stairs. Chris backed away, eyeing his idol nervously. "YOU ARE UNWISE TO LOWER YOUR DEFENSES!" Chris barely re-engaged his foil in time as Lackarse launched another onslaught. Blades connected, the boy slowly backed up to the upper level, fighting off another flurry before parrying and dashing around, leaping to dodge a broad swing. As Lackarse lunged after him, he backflipped out of a control station and up into a catwalk, disengaging his foil.

Lackarse stood in place, the respirator resonating heavily. "You're thoughts betray you george!" the boy smirked. "I feel the good in you!! hte conflict!!!"

"THERE IS NO CONFLICT," he replied, raising his blade skyward in front of himself.

"You couldnt bring yourse lf ot kill me beofer and i don;t believe youll destroy me now!" Chris sidestepped across the walkway.

"YOU UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF DORK SIDE. IF YOU WILL NOT FIGHT, THEN YOU WILL MEET YOUR DESTINY!" Twisting about, Lackarse tossed his plasma foil. Chris feigned left, but it wasn't aiming for him: the blade tore through the columns connecting the bridge to the ceiling, and the boy tumbled down the makeshift ramp back to the floor.

Chuckling, the Emporer rose to his feet and waddled to the top of the stairs as his servant descended. "Good," he purred, "Good!"

Outside, a Kite Flyer smashed into a Star Destructor's bridge as the Yamato passed danger-close above, the Raptor flying by from the opposite vector, dodging incoming fighters. "Watch out," HJ scanned the space above him, "Squad at point 0-6!"

"I'm on it, Gold Leader." The Tuning Fork blasted an Imperial as it veered behind A Syreen Penetrator.

"Good shot, Red 2!" called Omega. Fighters snuck around an Allied cruiser as it broadsided a Star Destructor.

"We're sure in the middle of it now," hoplitejoe muttered. "C'mon Fegs ol' buddy, don't let me down..!"

Outside the bunker, the captured ponymech took aim at the blast doors. A vidscreen activated in the control room. "It's over, Commander," reported a rather Aryan-looking pilot, "The rebels have been routed; they're fleeing into the woods. We need reinforcements to continue the pursuit." The technicians grinned with glee.

"Send three squads to help," ordered the commanding officer, and a subordinate headed off. "Open the back door," he instructed another deputy.

"Sir."

Outside, Fegelein and Arkady lay flat against the walls as a platoon raced into the clearing. The Obergruppenführer promptly dashed in front of the doors; the soldiers spun around as Resistance fighters and hissing sneks emerged from hiding around them. Fegelein shrugged, grinning faux-innocently.

In no time, the commandos were back inside. "Throw me another charge," he called as Kaiser primed a bomb on the console.

"I hope Chris is having fun," Arkady muttered as Fegelein affixed a bomb to the ceiling.

Plasma foil humming, Darth Lackarse slowly drifted beneath the throne deck, searching for Chris. "YOU CANNOT HIDE FOREVER, CHRIS."

"i will not fight you!!!" the boy's voice echoed.

"GIVE YOURSELF TO THE DORK SIDE," he insisted, creeping methodically across the floor. "IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE YOUR FRIENDS." From his hiding place, Chris shook his head half-obscured in blue shadow, going cross-eyed as he struggled to suppress his racing mind—

*KNOCK KNOCK-KNOCK KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK KNOCK*

...Someone at the door? I wasn't expecting anyone.

Hey, did you have a date tonight or something?

"It's THEM!"

What?

"They're HERE! It's too late!"

Oh, not this again..!

"DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR!"

Look, it might be a late parcel or something, I'm gonna check.

*Klack THUMK ksheeeeeiiiiiiieee*

Hello?

"Ah, good evening, sorry to disturb you so late! Meant to come earlier but had some issues with directions."

I'm sorry, who are you?

"Oh, beg your pardon, how rude of me—Anders Bateman, I represent TNI Koyotek, an entertainment company that's been an enthusiastic follower of your work!"

My work?

"Yes, your—oh, you're recording a session now! That's perfect! –That is, I'm terribly sorry for interrupting you in the midst of a production, but that's precisely what I wanted to talk about!"

Oh that thing—look, I was just hired to narrate a play-by-play, it's actually by—

"Never mind that, TNI Koyotek... wants you."

Me?

"Yes! We've watched your performance with interest, and think you would be an invaluable addition to our Imagineers."

Uh... wow, that's... I'm flattered. Here, uh, take a seat, I assume that briefcase has a proper pitch? Can I get you something to drink? I don't have a lot—well, I've got way more soda than I know what to do with right now—

"Soda would be fine, thanks!"

'Kay, back in a sec. Huh, never thought you'd be scouted so directly, but hey..!

...

Yeah, I'm never drinking this crap, but maybe I can fob it off...

...

Sorry, this is all I got right now—I don't even know where it came from, I think a friend might've splurged at the bulk mart.

"Ah, I see you are a man of taste!"

Really? I tried it once but it, uh, wasn't for me.

*crrk—ffFFFFfffssssssssssss*

"Ahhhh... refreshing! Yeah, I understand, Cztair Worgs is a bit of an acquired taste but once you've got a few eps under your belt it's pretty addictive stuff!"

...Oh, you mean, uh, the promotion?

"It's one of our most popular series at the moment!"

This is YOUR show? ...I'm, heh, I'm sorry to say I've never actually seen it.

"Well, once you're on our production staff, you'll have all the archives to binge! Which brings me to the point of this meeting..."

Yes, to business.

"TNI Koyotek believes making you a member of the team will be invaluable to perfecting many media projects currently in development. Your work on Shtar Worz demonstrates your professionalism and trustworthiness, to say nothing of the loyal audience you've cultivated. We want to offer you the opportunity to expand your brand, by integrating with ours. All the technical details are in this packet here, but to make a long story short, all you need do is sign... this page here, and you are officially a member of TNI Koyotek's Imagineer community!"

...

...

...

Wow, this is... well, suffice to say it's a generous figure! Uh... sorry, I never got myself a drink and I think I might need several.

"Of course! Take your time!"

Thanks. Here, I'll clean this up.

...

JEEZus! What're you doing stalking around here?!

"Whatever you do, DON'T sign anything!"

What're you—It's just some media group looking for voice actors! It's a pretty generous bid they're making but so far I don't see anything untoward—

"Look at the can! Look at the copyright!"

...

Oh?

...

Oh. Oh, I see. Okay...

...

Sorry about that... Sooo... You said you're representing TNI Koyotek?

"Yes, we're a transnational corporation specializing in—"

—A bit of a niche audience, sorry, I am familiar with your work, I just knew it under the name TiNi Sirius.

"Oh, yes, the old name still sticks around, heh, no matter how much we've tried to progress our brand, heh."

Yes, 'progress' is uh... one way of describing it.

"I'm sorry?"

Oh, nothing... So according to this contract, I'm guaranteed this salary for... at least three seasons?

"That's correct! We believe that talent deserves to be rewarded—"

—Yes, yes, star power and all that. And until this contract is terminated—noting here that renewal is assumed unless a labyrinth of paperwork is completed the day before the expiry date—I am duty-bound to work for TNI exclusively, and subject to penalization if I so much as voice a recommendation off the record as to changes to the script or production.

...

"We've had a lot of... shall we say... rogue agents in the industry, who treat our franchises as a milking stall for ideas they then sell off to unscrupulous companies for bootleg productions. It's an entirely legitimate means of protection our IP rights."

Yes, I do recall the circus that was your company's attempt to retroactively copyright a derivative property that had already effectively entered the public domain.

"Now look here—"

—Which is why, having come out with this, uh, "Stair Wargs", you're trying to buy up all the talent and shut down the original creator so you can rent-seek off the fandom with what I can only assume given your company's track record is a lazy imitation structured toward the lowest common denominator determined by an endless cycle of focus groups. Yeah, thanks but no, I'll stick with my beggar's cup.

...

"Well... I was hoping negotiations would prove... more amicable."

Nothing personal, I'm sure you'll find a look-alike somewhere.

...

...You, uh, know we're done here..?

"Oh no, we're not done. My instructions were explicit: TNI Koyotek needs you."

Well, I'm sorry, but they can't have me, there's only one available.

"I know."

*PSHEEEWWW*

...

Ah.

I understand now.

"I'm glad. A talent like yours is... irreplaceable."

I keep a special pen for signatures like these—quality ink, keeps from degrading. May I..?

"Of course, great idea!"

*SHEEEOOWP*

...

...

What the hell have I got myself into now?

...

Ah, here it is. Never thought I'd have to use you again, ol' buddy.

...

Hey, Ben? Whatever happens... the show must go on.

"I... understand. M-May the Farce will be with you."

*clap clap*

...

...

OK, so, what was the page I had to sign?

"Right here. Don't worry, I know it must feel like you're selling your soul, but—hey wait what—what are you DOING?!"

Oh, clumsy me! Nervous twitch, you know?

*PSHEEEWWW*

"That was the last mistake you'll ever make!"

I'll never turn to the Dork Side! You've failed, Mr. Bateman.

*PSHEEEWWW*

I am a Narrator, like my father before me.

"So be it... Narrator."