Thorvald of Lym
A Little Sketchy
And we're finally back in business! Mad kudos to Seon for providing the Korean dialogue; this might have been finished sooner, but he only told me the other day he had no interest in finishing the remainder. [proceeds to breathe down Tolni's neck]
Onboard the Doom Sphere, the elevator doors opened and Darth Lackarse elbowed his way past the Imperial sentries' cartoonishly-muscled arms to the Emporer's throne. The chair groaned as his master swung around. "You know, Lackey," the chimera grinned through gritted teeth, "NPC GMs stop being fun when they start whining about autonomy..."
"A SMALL REBEL FORCE HAS PENETRATED THE SHIELD AND LANDED ON K-POP."
"Tell me something I don't—"
"MY FAN IS WITH THEM."
The Emporer's face fell. "You're sure..?" he muttered, reaching for his checklist of 'random' calamities.
"I HAVE FELT HIM, MY MASTER." Off in the background, Chris Hansen peeked out from behind a pillar.
"Welp," he sighed, tossing away the clipboard, "I didn't plan it..." Focusing on his servant, the Emporer leaned forward. "I wonder if your feelings on this matter are clear, Lord Lackarse."
"THEY ARE CLEAR, MY MASTER."
"Then go to the Snektuary Moon and wait for him," he shrugged.
"HE WILL COME TO ME?"
The Emporer slouched back in his chair with a soft belch. "I have foreseen it. His compassion you will be his undoing. He'll come to you, then you bring him to me."
"AS YOU WISH," bowed Lackarse. The Emporer's chair squealed as he turned back toward the vastness of space. As he departed, the Dork Lord couldn't help wondering how the supposedly omnipotent God Mobian would've missed as significant a variable as Chris's presence...
Back on the moon, Chris plodded along, stopping so fast he nearly tipped himself over as he caught sight of Princess Kaiser's forgotten helmet. His heart raced as he picked it up, dream marriage collapsing as he pondered—
"Chris?" called Fegelein, "Chris!" The boy darted over to where the officer stood, inspecting the charred ruins of a speeder bike.
"Oh! Master Christos..." Farnsworth started, Jenkins blowing a low note as he slowly waved a portable scanner from side to side.
"Unsafe at any speed," Arkady muttered as Chris eyed the wreckage.
"theres two more wrecked speeders back their," he sighed, "And i found this!!" He tossed the helmet to Fegelein.
"I'm afraid that Jenkins' scanners can find no trace of Princess Kaiser," reported the gentleman. Chris looked away.
"I hope she's alright," the Obergruppenführer muttered, eyeing the boy meaningfully.
"Hold up, my scanners are detecting something!"
"What, Arkady?" he called as the first mate took off down a narrow path.
"Come and see!"
"What, Arkady?" he repeated, louder.
The posse followed the werewolf to a stick in the ground. Nestled between V-shaped branches was what looked like a computer screen with a faceted button in the shape of a 'play' marker. Behind it was a darkened image of a figure leaning over a piano. "Didn't think Imperial gold-farming was this brazen," Arkady muttered.
Fegelein peered at the display. "Doesn't look like clickbait... I don't get it."
"Maybe it's some kind of music video?"
Chris's eyes went wide as he realized the figure was East Asian. "Must be a lure of some kind," the officer surmised, "Alright, let's get back to—"
"Kid, no, wait—DON'T—!" But before Arkady could stop him, Chris leaped forward and hit the button. The video began to play: a young man, a grand piano, somewhat shaky cinematography as he pounded the keys. It was a fairly simple arrangement, and not unpleasant. The group watched warily as the camera panned around a ceiling-less room, dark red clouds billowing overhead. As one hand kept up a steady scale near the middle of the register, the other bounced between the bass and treble clefs. Fegelein nodded in approval of the melody. The pianist's hands flew across the keys, left to right, notes' resonance lingering in the air as the overture completed...
"I'm trapped."
As the main pop rhythm kicked into gear, a thick rope net sprung up and hoisted them into the air.
"Nice work," the officer growled.
"I've heard of corporate entrapment," Arkady grumbled, "But this really burns my cannoli!"
"Great, kid!" huffed Fegelein, face caught in a suspiciously face-shaped hole in the netting, "Great! Always thinking with your Yellow Fever!"
"Will you take it easy!!!" snapped Chris, "Lets just figure out a way to get out of ths thing!!!!!! Fegs can you reach my plamsa foil!!"
"Yeah, sure!" he rolled his eyes, trying to grapple his way to the other side of the net.
Jenkins gave a little whistle as he withdrew a pocketknife and started sawing through the ropes. "Jenkins," called Farnsworth, "I'm not sure that's such a good idea. It's a very long droOOOOOP—!" The bottom gave way and everyone tumbled onto the ground. As the men struggled to right themselves, a pack of sneks materialized from the underbrush. They approached the group warily, weapons drawn, hissing amongst themselves.
"Sneks," muttered the first mate, "Why did it have to be sneks?"
Chris and Fegelein looked about in bemusement at the tiny little warriors—until one in an elaborate headdress thrust a spear out before them. Fegelein's grin evaporated instantly. "Hey, point that thing some place else!" he scowled, slapping it aside. The snek turned to its comrade, hissing excitedly, before swinging the spear back. "I said—" he growled, grabbing the shaft and drawing his Walther.
"Fegs dont!" said Chris, "It'll be alright!"
"You can't just genocide all your problems—" he began, but slowly released the spear as the surrounding sneks poised their weapons. One reached out and snatched the gun away.
"Arkady give em your machinegun!"
"I know you don't like diploplay, but the way leverage works is—"
"Oh, my head!" moaned Farnsworth, sitting up. His suit had inexplicably turned blue and he sported large, circle-framed sunglasses. There was a loud gasp from the assembly as they froze in their tracks. "Oh, my goodness!" he cried, looking about.
«Igeon tto mwonya??» cried the headdressed snek.
«Geulssae? Ireon dongmureun cheoeumboneunde,» replied its companion.
«Hoksi gaeanilkka?»
«Neon mwodeunji gaenya!»
«Oegukgaeiljido moreujana? Bissannomdeul mariya!»
Several of the sneks began swaying to and fro, hissing in what sounded like some sort of ritual chant. Fegelein glanced around, highly amused at the display.
"Heoheo," Farnsworth stated with gentlemanly cordiality, "Dodaeche geudaedeureun nwisimnikka?"
«Heol, oegukgaeneun maldo hanabwa!»
«Gae aniranikka.»
«Geureommwonde?»
«Hoksi... sanjimseungi doreurikigo, seoneul kkaedareumyeon sansini doendago deureonneunde....»
"Eojjaeseo isane urigateun pijomureul ireondeocheuro okjoemnikka?" the gentleman addressed the lead snek.
«Ho...hoksi jinjja sansimnim anilkka? Jinjja naideureun saramcheoreom malhaneunde?»
«Hoksi moreunikka kkeureo! Aigo, sansinnim, eojjaeseo ijeya urihante dorawasseumnikka?»
"do you know what their saying???" asked Chris.
"Oh, yes, Master Christos! Remember that I am fluent in over six dozen forms of com—"
"What are you telling them?" Fegelein cut in, imperative.
"'Hello', I think. I could be mistaken—they're using a very primitive dialect—but I do believe they think I am some sort of god!" Jenkins chirrupped, and Chris could barely contain his laughter.
"Bozhye moy," Arkady muttered.
Fegelein forced a smile. "Well why don't you use your divine influence, and get us out of this?"
"I beg your pardon, Gruppenführer Fegelein, but that just wouldn't be proper!"
"Proper?"
"It's against diplomatic ethics to impersonate a diety!"
"Why you—!" Fegelein made for Farnsworth, but the sneks were on him in an instant. The officer put up his hands consolingly. "My mistake," he muttered. "He's an old friend of mine..."
Several moments later, the group found itself tied to poles and carried in procession as Farnsworth was ported on a makeshift litter. As the sun began to set, the sneks wove a path through the jungle and up platforms wrapping around the redwoods, using a set of vine swings to bridge the gaps betwixt. A snek blew on a pungi as the procession entered the secret tree-city, straw huts adorned with posters of famous Korean girl-bands. Fegelein frowned as he, Chris and Arkady were deposited over firepits; Jenkins was posted upright, still bound, while Farnsworth was seated at a raised platform overlooking the site. All the sneks had gathered for the spectacle, women and children alike. "I have a really bad feeling about this," muttered the Obergruppenführer.
«Sansinnim,» the chieftain said to Farnsworth, «Geudongan gongyangeul geeullihaeseo joesonghamnida!»
"Jeoneun geudaedeurege geureon gidaereul han jeogi eopseumnida," he replied, "Silmangttawineun eopseumnid."
«Sansinisiyeo, nohaji masoseo, sanjimseungeul sanyanghaneungeon uri bujogui miraereul wihaeseo haneungeotppun. Ijebuteo sanjimseungdeurui ilbureul gongyanghagesseumnida.»
"What did he say?" called Fegelein.
"I'm rather embarrassed, Gruppenführer Fegelein! But it appears you are to be the main course in a banquet in my honour."
"I died like the Good Guys in IOT," Arkady muttered, "Eaten alive."
The cook-sneks hissed up a jingle as they began prepping the firewood, soon accompanied by classical Indian instrumentals. Several sneks made way as Princess Kaiser emerged from a hut across the platform. She had been redressed in a bright, flowing sari; her hair hung loose, jumbo breadsticks tied in at regular intervals. "Kaiser!!" gasped Chris, blushing self-conscously as he registered his submissive position. Fegelein spun his head around. "Kaiser!" he couldn't help grinning. She made toward the firepit but was blocked by the guards.
"Your Royal Highness!" called Farnsworth.
"But these are my friends!" she sighed to the sneks. "Farnsworth, tell them they must be set free!"
"Today, if possible," deadpanned the werewolf.
Farnsworth tapped the elder. "Meomchwora! I subageul pulji motagenneunya!"
«Su... subak...?»
«Subageun eodiseo guhaji?» said a nearby snek. The chief shook its head, and the pit-workers carried on.
"Somehow I get the feeling that didn't help us very much," Fegelein hissed.
"Farnsworth," said Chris, "Tell them if they dont do as you wish, you'll becom eangry and use your magic!"
"But Master Christos, what magic? I can't possibly—!"
"JUST DO IT!!!" he snapped.
"Manyage subageul anpuldamyeon...." Farnsworth called, "BOOM!"
The sneks paused a moment, startled. «Sa...sansimnimkkeseo nohasyeotda!» cried he chieftain, «Mwolhaneunya? Eolleun jemureul batchwora!» The pit workers scrambled for torches and rushed to the pit, Fegelein shaking his head, thoroughly pissed off.
"You see, Master Christos?" wailed the gentleman, "They didn't believe me, just as I said they wouldn't!" Fegelein desperately tried to blow out the fire as the torches drew closer to the woodpile.
Chris closed his eyes, face settling into a trance-like look. At once, Farnsworth's throne lifted into the air. The sneks hissed in alarm, scattering about as the bigwigs cowered in terror. Farnsworth, too, cried in terror, arms waving about as the chair slowly rotated about. Chris slowly reopened his eyes. The snek chief hissed rapidly, motioning to the pit, and the workers rushed to free the captives. Grinning in relief, Fegelein and Kaiser hurried to embrace, spinning about as they shared a kiss to the excited hisses of the sneks. Farnsworth returned to his original seat, the sneks hissing and swaying in a relief as sincere as his own. The snek that had found the Princess struck up a conversation with Jenkins as the rest of the gang regrouped. "Thanks farnsworth!" called the boy.
"I... I never knew I had it in me."
Later that night, everyone gathered in a large hut where Farnsworth recounted our heroes' adventures from the beginning, with sound effects supplied by Jenkins.
Editor's note: Due to our translator backing out at the last minute, this segment is presented in English instead of Hangul as originally intended. Remember, kids: before recruiting volunteers, make sure you have leverage.
«Hear ye, hear ye! This is the story of the Fan Wars. Two series ago, Princess Kaiser was travelling with me and Jenkins. But we were attacked by Darth Lackarse!» *heavy breathing* «We had to free her from the Doom Sphere.» *ion engines, laser blast* «The brave Cheddar Monk Alec Guinness de Cuffe, battled Lackarse with his plasma foil.» *BZEEEEEEEWWWW* «And he—yes, Jenkins, I was just coming to that!—The FUR Suits!» *sqeak-boom, squeak-boom* as he pantomimed their walk. «Master Christos fought them with his speeder!» *zzzooooooommmm, PEW PEW! BOOM!* The sneks shuddered in alarm, baby sneks huddling close to their parents. «Then the Centurion Raptor flew to MMMBop.» *flyby FX* «But there was Lackarse!» *higher-pitched respirator* «Hermann Fegelein was put on hiatus!» *THUD* «To free him, we battled over the Lighthearter!» *whoom-whoom, KSHCCCKKK* The snek that found Kaiser cuddled up to Fegelein's leg and he grinned bemusedly. «And that's how we ended up here.»
A general chatter started up as the leaders conversed animatedly. Fegelein leaned in to the Princess. "What's going on?"
"I dunno..."
Having reached a decision, the snek rattled its staff and the musicians struck up a tune. Turning to Farnsworth, it made a declaration. "Wonderful!" he announced, "We are now a part of the tribe."
"Just what I always wanted," Fegelein grinned as he found himself hugged tight by a snek. While everyone else broke into celebration, Chris peeled away and headed outside. Kaiser noticed, and followed.
"Aren't they a little short to take on shock troopers?"
"Well, short help is better than no help at all, Arkady." Fegelein looked down to where the snek was still wrapped around his leg.
Disentangling himself, he stepped over to where Farnsworth had just finished speaking with the chief. "He says the scouts are going to show us the quickest way to the shield generator."
"Good. How far is it?"
"Um—"
"Ask him."
Farnsworth turned about. «How far is—»
Fegelein tapped his shoulder. "We need some fresh supplies, too."
«Do you have—»
"Try and get our weapons back."
«Would you return—»
"Hurry up, will ya? I haven't got all day."
Outside, Kaiser crossed a walkway to where Chris was staring off into the distance. "Chris, what's wrong?" she asked softly.
"Kaiser," he breathed, spinning about as he registered her presence. "Do you remember you're mother? you're real mother??"
"Just a little bit." Chris sat down on the railing, and she joined him. "She died when I was very young."
"WHat do you remember???"
"Just... images, really. Feelings."
"Tell me!"
She sighed, hesitating. "She was... very beautiful. Kind. But... sad." Chris was staring down at the walkway, unfocused. "Why are you asking me this?"
"i have no memory of my mother," he muttered, "i never knew here."
"Chris, tell me," she leaned in, "What's troubling you?"
Chris suddenly came to. "Lackarse is here," he stated plainly, "Now, on this moon!"
A pause. "How do you know?"
"i felt his presence! He;s come for me! He can feel when i'm here! That's hwy i have to go!! As long as I stay I'm endangering the group and the mission!!!" Swallowing, he said: "I have to face him!!!!"
"Why?"
Chris started, paused, licked his lips, then replied: "He's my idol."
Kaiser stared at him in disbelief. "Your idol??"
"Theres more," he pressed, "if I don't make it back you're the only hope for hte Resistance!"
"Chris, don't talk that way!" she scoffed, "You have a power I—I don't understand! I could never have!"
"The Farce is strong in my family," he muttered, dropping his gaze. "My father had it... I have it... and... my sister... has it..."
"You have a sister?" Kaiser repeated, now thoroughly dumbfounded.
"Yes, but I don't..." He glanced back up at her and froze. His jaw slackened and his eyes steadily widened, while Kaiser ever-so-slowly leaned away. "IT'S YOU, KAISER!!!!!!" he whispered, softly and gently.
She blinked, frozen in place, an unreadable expression on her face. "I know," she whispered, almost inaudible, "I don't know how, but..." She gasped as realization struck. "Wait, back on—back when—were you hitting on—"
"Then you know why I have to face him!!" he cut in.
"No!" she exclaimed, leaping to her feet, "Chris, run away! Far away! If he can feel your presence then leave this place! I wish I could go with you—"
"No you don;t!"
"No, I don't."
"You've always been strong!"
"But, why must you confront him?" she implored, desperate to move the conversation somewhere else.
"Because there is good in him, I have felt it!! He won't turn me over to the emporer i can save him i can turn him back to the good side!!!!!" Kaiser frowned at him, thoroughly unconvinced. "I haveto try!!"
After a momen's silence, he leaned in; Kaiser flinched as he pecked her cheek, then turned away, trudging off into the darkness. Overwhelmed, she leaned against the opposite railing. Fegelein strode in, looking from Chris's retreating back to the rattled Princess. "What's going on?"
Kaiser cast a quick glance his way. "Nothing," she lied, "I—I just want to be alone for a little while."
"Nothing?" he deadpanned, walking over and sitting down opposite. "C'mon, tell me, what's going on?"
She turned to face him, struggling to speak. "I... I can't tell you," she said at last.
"You could tell Chris," he pressed, gesturing into the distance, "But you can't tell me?"
"I—!" she choked, facing away. Fegelein sighed, backing away as he turned back toward the huts. He stopped, then slowly made to rejoin her.
"I'm sorry," he said softly.
No longer able to will back the tears, Kaiser turned and pulled him into a tight embrace. "Hold me," she sighed. Fegelein complied, cradling her gently.
Onboard the Doom Sphere, the elevator doors opened and Darth Lackarse elbowed his way past the Imperial sentries' cartoonishly-muscled arms to the Emporer's throne. The chair groaned as his master swung around. "You know, Lackey," the chimera grinned through gritted teeth, "NPC GMs stop being fun when they start whining about autonomy..."
"A SMALL REBEL FORCE HAS PENETRATED THE SHIELD AND LANDED ON K-POP."
"Tell me something I don't—"
"MY FAN IS WITH THEM."
The Emporer's face fell. "You're sure..?" he muttered, reaching for his checklist of 'random' calamities.
"I HAVE FELT HIM, MY MASTER." Off in the background, Chris Hansen peeked out from behind a pillar.
"Welp," he sighed, tossing away the clipboard, "I didn't plan it..." Focusing on his servant, the Emporer leaned forward. "I wonder if your feelings on this matter are clear, Lord Lackarse."
"THEY ARE CLEAR, MY MASTER."
"Then go to the Snektuary Moon and wait for him," he shrugged.
"HE WILL COME TO ME?"
The Emporer slouched back in his chair with a soft belch. "I have foreseen it. His compassion you will be his undoing. He'll come to you, then you bring him to me."
"AS YOU WISH," bowed Lackarse. The Emporer's chair squealed as he turned back toward the vastness of space. As he departed, the Dork Lord couldn't help wondering how the supposedly omnipotent God Mobian would've missed as significant a variable as Chris's presence...
Back on the moon, Chris plodded along, stopping so fast he nearly tipped himself over as he caught sight of Princess Kaiser's forgotten helmet. His heart raced as he picked it up, dream marriage collapsing as he pondered—
"Chris?" called Fegelein, "Chris!" The boy darted over to where the officer stood, inspecting the charred ruins of a speeder bike.
"Oh! Master Christos..." Farnsworth started, Jenkins blowing a low note as he slowly waved a portable scanner from side to side.
"Unsafe at any speed," Arkady muttered as Chris eyed the wreckage.
"theres two more wrecked speeders back their," he sighed, "And i found this!!" He tossed the helmet to Fegelein.
"I'm afraid that Jenkins' scanners can find no trace of Princess Kaiser," reported the gentleman. Chris looked away.
"I hope she's alright," the Obergruppenführer muttered, eyeing the boy meaningfully.
"Hold up, my scanners are detecting something!"
"What, Arkady?" he called as the first mate took off down a narrow path.
"Come and see!"
"What, Arkady?" he repeated, louder.
The posse followed the werewolf to a stick in the ground. Nestled between V-shaped branches was what looked like a computer screen with a faceted button in the shape of a 'play' marker. Behind it was a darkened image of a figure leaning over a piano. "Didn't think Imperial gold-farming was this brazen," Arkady muttered.
Fegelein peered at the display. "Doesn't look like clickbait... I don't get it."
"Maybe it's some kind of music video?"
Chris's eyes went wide as he realized the figure was East Asian. "Must be a lure of some kind," the officer surmised, "Alright, let's get back to—"
"Kid, no, wait—DON'T—!" But before Arkady could stop him, Chris leaped forward and hit the button. The video began to play: a young man, a grand piano, somewhat shaky cinematography as he pounded the keys. It was a fairly simple arrangement, and not unpleasant. The group watched warily as the camera panned around a ceiling-less room, dark red clouds billowing overhead. As one hand kept up a steady scale near the middle of the register, the other bounced between the bass and treble clefs. Fegelein nodded in approval of the melody. The pianist's hands flew across the keys, left to right, notes' resonance lingering in the air as the overture completed...
"I'm trapped."
As the main pop rhythm kicked into gear, a thick rope net sprung up and hoisted them into the air.
"Nice work," the officer growled.
"I've heard of corporate entrapment," Arkady grumbled, "But this really burns my cannoli!"
"Great, kid!" huffed Fegelein, face caught in a suspiciously face-shaped hole in the netting, "Great! Always thinking with your Yellow Fever!"
"Will you take it easy!!!" snapped Chris, "Lets just figure out a way to get out of ths thing!!!!!! Fegs can you reach my plamsa foil!!"
"Yeah, sure!" he rolled his eyes, trying to grapple his way to the other side of the net.
Jenkins gave a little whistle as he withdrew a pocketknife and started sawing through the ropes. "Jenkins," called Farnsworth, "I'm not sure that's such a good idea. It's a very long droOOOOOP—!" The bottom gave way and everyone tumbled onto the ground. As the men struggled to right themselves, a pack of sneks materialized from the underbrush. They approached the group warily, weapons drawn, hissing amongst themselves.
"Sneks," muttered the first mate, "Why did it have to be sneks?"
Chris and Fegelein looked about in bemusement at the tiny little warriors—until one in an elaborate headdress thrust a spear out before them. Fegelein's grin evaporated instantly. "Hey, point that thing some place else!" he scowled, slapping it aside. The snek turned to its comrade, hissing excitedly, before swinging the spear back. "I said—" he growled, grabbing the shaft and drawing his Walther.
"Fegs dont!" said Chris, "It'll be alright!"
"You can't just genocide all your problems—" he began, but slowly released the spear as the surrounding sneks poised their weapons. One reached out and snatched the gun away.
"Arkady give em your machinegun!"
"I know you don't like diploplay, but the way leverage works is—"
"Oh, my head!" moaned Farnsworth, sitting up. His suit had inexplicably turned blue and he sported large, circle-framed sunglasses. There was a loud gasp from the assembly as they froze in their tracks. "Oh, my goodness!" he cried, looking about.
«Igeon tto mwonya??» cried the headdressed snek.
«Geulssae? Ireon dongmureun cheoeumboneunde,» replied its companion.
«Hoksi gaeanilkka?»
«Neon mwodeunji gaenya!»
«Oegukgaeiljido moreujana? Bissannomdeul mariya!»
Several of the sneks began swaying to and fro, hissing in what sounded like some sort of ritual chant. Fegelein glanced around, highly amused at the display.
"Heoheo," Farnsworth stated with gentlemanly cordiality, "Dodaeche geudaedeureun nwisimnikka?"
«Heol, oegukgaeneun maldo hanabwa!»
«Gae aniranikka.»
«Geureommwonde?»
«Hoksi... sanjimseungi doreurikigo, seoneul kkaedareumyeon sansini doendago deureonneunde....»
"Eojjaeseo isane urigateun pijomureul ireondeocheuro okjoemnikka?" the gentleman addressed the lead snek.
«Ho...hoksi jinjja sansimnim anilkka? Jinjja naideureun saramcheoreom malhaneunde?»
«Hoksi moreunikka kkeureo! Aigo, sansinnim, eojjaeseo ijeya urihante dorawasseumnikka?»
"do you know what their saying???" asked Chris.
"Oh, yes, Master Christos! Remember that I am fluent in over six dozen forms of com—"
"What are you telling them?" Fegelein cut in, imperative.
"'Hello', I think. I could be mistaken—they're using a very primitive dialect—but I do believe they think I am some sort of god!" Jenkins chirrupped, and Chris could barely contain his laughter.
"Bozhye moy," Arkady muttered.
Fegelein forced a smile. "Well why don't you use your divine influence, and get us out of this?"
"I beg your pardon, Gruppenführer Fegelein, but that just wouldn't be proper!"
"Proper?"
"It's against diplomatic ethics to impersonate a diety!"
"Why you—!" Fegelein made for Farnsworth, but the sneks were on him in an instant. The officer put up his hands consolingly. "My mistake," he muttered. "He's an old friend of mine..."
Several moments later, the group found itself tied to poles and carried in procession as Farnsworth was ported on a makeshift litter. As the sun began to set, the sneks wove a path through the jungle and up platforms wrapping around the redwoods, using a set of vine swings to bridge the gaps betwixt. A snek blew on a pungi as the procession entered the secret tree-city, straw huts adorned with posters of famous Korean girl-bands. Fegelein frowned as he, Chris and Arkady were deposited over firepits; Jenkins was posted upright, still bound, while Farnsworth was seated at a raised platform overlooking the site. All the sneks had gathered for the spectacle, women and children alike. "I have a really bad feeling about this," muttered the Obergruppenführer.
«Sansinnim,» the chieftain said to Farnsworth, «Geudongan gongyangeul geeullihaeseo joesonghamnida!»
"Jeoneun geudaedeurege geureon gidaereul han jeogi eopseumnida," he replied, "Silmangttawineun eopseumnid."
«Sansinisiyeo, nohaji masoseo, sanjimseungeul sanyanghaneungeon uri bujogui miraereul wihaeseo haneungeotppun. Ijebuteo sanjimseungdeurui ilbureul gongyanghagesseumnida.»
"What did he say?" called Fegelein.
"I'm rather embarrassed, Gruppenführer Fegelein! But it appears you are to be the main course in a banquet in my honour."
"I died like the Good Guys in IOT," Arkady muttered, "Eaten alive."
The cook-sneks hissed up a jingle as they began prepping the firewood, soon accompanied by classical Indian instrumentals. Several sneks made way as Princess Kaiser emerged from a hut across the platform. She had been redressed in a bright, flowing sari; her hair hung loose, jumbo breadsticks tied in at regular intervals. "Kaiser!!" gasped Chris, blushing self-conscously as he registered his submissive position. Fegelein spun his head around. "Kaiser!" he couldn't help grinning. She made toward the firepit but was blocked by the guards.
"Your Royal Highness!" called Farnsworth.
"But these are my friends!" she sighed to the sneks. "Farnsworth, tell them they must be set free!"
"Today, if possible," deadpanned the werewolf.
Farnsworth tapped the elder. "Meomchwora! I subageul pulji motagenneunya!"
«Su... subak...?»
«Subageun eodiseo guhaji?» said a nearby snek. The chief shook its head, and the pit-workers carried on.
"Somehow I get the feeling that didn't help us very much," Fegelein hissed.
"Farnsworth," said Chris, "Tell them if they dont do as you wish, you'll becom eangry and use your magic!"
"But Master Christos, what magic? I can't possibly—!"
"JUST DO IT!!!" he snapped.
"Manyage subageul anpuldamyeon...." Farnsworth called, "BOOM!"
The sneks paused a moment, startled. «Sa...sansimnimkkeseo nohasyeotda!» cried he chieftain, «Mwolhaneunya? Eolleun jemureul batchwora!» The pit workers scrambled for torches and rushed to the pit, Fegelein shaking his head, thoroughly pissed off.
"You see, Master Christos?" wailed the gentleman, "They didn't believe me, just as I said they wouldn't!" Fegelein desperately tried to blow out the fire as the torches drew closer to the woodpile.
Chris closed his eyes, face settling into a trance-like look. At once, Farnsworth's throne lifted into the air. The sneks hissed in alarm, scattering about as the bigwigs cowered in terror. Farnsworth, too, cried in terror, arms waving about as the chair slowly rotated about. Chris slowly reopened his eyes. The snek chief hissed rapidly, motioning to the pit, and the workers rushed to free the captives. Grinning in relief, Fegelein and Kaiser hurried to embrace, spinning about as they shared a kiss to the excited hisses of the sneks. Farnsworth returned to his original seat, the sneks hissing and swaying in a relief as sincere as his own. The snek that had found the Princess struck up a conversation with Jenkins as the rest of the gang regrouped. "Thanks farnsworth!" called the boy.
"I... I never knew I had it in me."
Later that night, everyone gathered in a large hut where Farnsworth recounted our heroes' adventures from the beginning, with sound effects supplied by Jenkins.
Editor's note: Due to our translator backing out at the last minute, this segment is presented in English instead of Hangul as originally intended. Remember, kids: before recruiting volunteers, make sure you have leverage.
«Hear ye, hear ye! This is the story of the Fan Wars. Two series ago, Princess Kaiser was travelling with me and Jenkins. But we were attacked by Darth Lackarse!» *heavy breathing* «We had to free her from the Doom Sphere.» *ion engines, laser blast* «The brave Cheddar Monk Alec Guinness de Cuffe, battled Lackarse with his plasma foil.» *BZEEEEEEEWWWW* «And he—yes, Jenkins, I was just coming to that!—The FUR Suits!» *sqeak-boom, squeak-boom* as he pantomimed their walk. «Master Christos fought them with his speeder!» *zzzooooooommmm, PEW PEW! BOOM!* The sneks shuddered in alarm, baby sneks huddling close to their parents. «Then the Centurion Raptor flew to MMMBop.» *flyby FX* «But there was Lackarse!» *higher-pitched respirator* «Hermann Fegelein was put on hiatus!» *THUD* «To free him, we battled over the Lighthearter!» *whoom-whoom, KSHCCCKKK* The snek that found Kaiser cuddled up to Fegelein's leg and he grinned bemusedly. «And that's how we ended up here.»
A general chatter started up as the leaders conversed animatedly. Fegelein leaned in to the Princess. "What's going on?"
"I dunno..."
Having reached a decision, the snek rattled its staff and the musicians struck up a tune. Turning to Farnsworth, it made a declaration. "Wonderful!" he announced, "We are now a part of the tribe."
"Just what I always wanted," Fegelein grinned as he found himself hugged tight by a snek. While everyone else broke into celebration, Chris peeled away and headed outside. Kaiser noticed, and followed.
"Aren't they a little short to take on shock troopers?"
"Well, short help is better than no help at all, Arkady." Fegelein looked down to where the snek was still wrapped around his leg.
Disentangling himself, he stepped over to where Farnsworth had just finished speaking with the chief. "He says the scouts are going to show us the quickest way to the shield generator."
"Good. How far is it?"
"Um—"
"Ask him."
Farnsworth turned about. «How far is—»
Fegelein tapped his shoulder. "We need some fresh supplies, too."
«Do you have—»
"Try and get our weapons back."
«Would you return—»
"Hurry up, will ya? I haven't got all day."
Outside, Kaiser crossed a walkway to where Chris was staring off into the distance. "Chris, what's wrong?" she asked softly.
"Kaiser," he breathed, spinning about as he registered her presence. "Do you remember you're mother? you're real mother??"
"Just a little bit." Chris sat down on the railing, and she joined him. "She died when I was very young."
"WHat do you remember???"
"Just... images, really. Feelings."
"Tell me!"
She sighed, hesitating. "She was... very beautiful. Kind. But... sad." Chris was staring down at the walkway, unfocused. "Why are you asking me this?"
"i have no memory of my mother," he muttered, "i never knew here."
"Chris, tell me," she leaned in, "What's troubling you?"
Chris suddenly came to. "Lackarse is here," he stated plainly, "Now, on this moon!"
A pause. "How do you know?"
"i felt his presence! He;s come for me! He can feel when i'm here! That's hwy i have to go!! As long as I stay I'm endangering the group and the mission!!!" Swallowing, he said: "I have to face him!!!!"
"Why?"
Chris started, paused, licked his lips, then replied: "He's my idol."
Kaiser stared at him in disbelief. "Your idol??"
"Theres more," he pressed, "if I don't make it back you're the only hope for hte Resistance!"
"Chris, don't talk that way!" she scoffed, "You have a power I—I don't understand! I could never have!"
"The Farce is strong in my family," he muttered, dropping his gaze. "My father had it... I have it... and... my sister... has it..."
"You have a sister?" Kaiser repeated, now thoroughly dumbfounded.
"Yes, but I don't..." He glanced back up at her and froze. His jaw slackened and his eyes steadily widened, while Kaiser ever-so-slowly leaned away. "IT'S YOU, KAISER!!!!!!" he whispered, softly and gently.
She blinked, frozen in place, an unreadable expression on her face. "I know," she whispered, almost inaudible, "I don't know how, but..." She gasped as realization struck. "Wait, back on—back when—were you hitting on—"
"Then you know why I have to face him!!" he cut in.
"No!" she exclaimed, leaping to her feet, "Chris, run away! Far away! If he can feel your presence then leave this place! I wish I could go with you—"
"No you don;t!"
"No, I don't."
"You've always been strong!"
"But, why must you confront him?" she implored, desperate to move the conversation somewhere else.
"Because there is good in him, I have felt it!! He won't turn me over to the emporer i can save him i can turn him back to the good side!!!!!" Kaiser frowned at him, thoroughly unconvinced. "I haveto try!!"
After a momen's silence, he leaned in; Kaiser flinched as he pecked her cheek, then turned away, trudging off into the darkness. Overwhelmed, she leaned against the opposite railing. Fegelein strode in, looking from Chris's retreating back to the rattled Princess. "What's going on?"
Kaiser cast a quick glance his way. "Nothing," she lied, "I—I just want to be alone for a little while."
"Nothing?" he deadpanned, walking over and sitting down opposite. "C'mon, tell me, what's going on?"
She turned to face him, struggling to speak. "I... I can't tell you," she said at last.
"You could tell Chris," he pressed, gesturing into the distance, "But you can't tell me?"
"I—!" she choked, facing away. Fegelein sighed, backing away as he turned back toward the huts. He stopped, then slowly made to rejoin her.
"I'm sorry," he said softly.
No longer able to will back the tears, Kaiser turned and pulled him into a tight embrace. "Hold me," she sighed. Fegelein complied, cradling her gently.