Can you give some feedback on this brief prose piece?

[Kyriakos]

If you feel like reading the following very brief story, you can post some feedback. Mostly on the use of English (which i fear is still quite odd for a lit piece). I wrote this in English, it is not a translation of my other stuff. Mostly meant as some sort of exercise.

(edit: seems to no longer warrant the question, so edited).

 

[Ironsided]

My feedback: Too pretentious – I do this too when I write. Seems to me you try to treat every sentence like it’s an ornament (using fancier words and more complex sentences than needed). Some sentences are just passages – keep them that way – clean, easily and swiftly passed. Keep the ornaments for the passages that you want to grip the reader. It’s a bit of a never ending chokehold now.
This is just what I think as a total amateur.

 

[GoodSarmatian]

Honestly ? It reminded me of Kant in a bad way. It seems to aim to express a very vague and actually not that complex feeling of uncertainty in an excessively convoluted manner. It also looks vaguely Lovecraftian...

 

[Kyriakos]

Honestly ? It reminded me of Kant in a bad way. It seems to aim to express a very vague and actually not that complex feeling of uncertainty in an excessively convoluted manner. It also looks vaguely Lovecraftian...

Thanks (uh, what? ).

Don't worry, i wrote it in 2 minutes anyway. Just felt like not over-playing that so as to hopefully drive away the trolls like the troll the neverpublished who deemed it wise to post just after the OP

The piece was meant as an example of use of english which i fear may be too odd and non-native-speaker like. It is not an example of a story, cause it isn't written as one anyway.

 

[Gori the Grey]

Some phrases that an English speaker will find odd.

"ask" as an intransitive verb.

"sand" can't be "steered."

a "flock" of stairs (reserved almost exclusively for birds); you probably wanted "flight"

"has since proven" not "was"

try not to run two prepositions together: "of after"

It's also syntactically convoluted in ways that will contribute to an English reader having the reaction that your first two critics have voiced. I'll walk you through some of those matters later if I get a chance.

 

[dusters]

I can agree that sentence structure is rather clumsy. I got lost after four or five sentences xD

Maybe it's worth trying to write in plain english first. No offence, but from my experience, when i first tried to write in english i just copied a lot of Shakespire and tried to write nonsense about the beauty of nature till i got a feeling that my english texts aren't dustbin material.

One thing to ponder about - imagine, persons involved with literature (reading or writing) who have spent 15-30+ years of using their mother tongue have an enormous vocabulary.

Starting to write in your second language feels like you can use only third or fourth of your vocabulary...

 

[Kyriakos]

Thanks for the feedback Quick conclusion being that the english is too odd for a lit piece, so i should not bother with directly creating lit in english.. OP edited in accordance (piece taken out).

 

[peter grimes]

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