Favorite Communist Jokes

[Rita Poon]

Not sure if I can boast GL'er status. Just finished college and my CI is only 15. On the plus side I didn't take 6 years to get a 4 year degree.

 

[Mariusz]

I can't tell jokes, especially in English, but I'll try:

In Soviet Union there were only two newspapers: Pravda and Izviestia. Pravda means 'truth', and Izviestia means 'news'. The Russians used to say that there is no pravda in Izviestia and there are no izviestia in Pravda.

-----

60s. Two Poles are talking:
-Have you heard that Russians flew into space?
-All of them?
-No, only one.
-Pity.

-----

Siberia. One of the comrades just came back from Moscow. Others are asking him:
-What have you learned in Moscow?
-Three things:
One: Marks and Engels were two different people.
Two: Communism serves man.
Three: I saw that man.

-----

Bush and Putin wake up after 100 years of hibernation. Putin opens a newspaper and reads:
-There is communism in America.
Bush opens a newspaper and reads:
-There was an incident on a Polish-Chinese border.

 

[Pointlessness]

Here are a few...

Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.

"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"

"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."

"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"

"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

I thought Lenin denounced Stalin before his death.

 

[Gogf]

Well, it's not funny if he did .

 

[The Last Conformist]

In Soviet Union there were only two newspapers: Pravda and Izviestia. Pravda means 'truth', and Izviestia means 'news'. The Russians used to say that there is no pravda in Izviestia and there are no izviestia in Pravda.

A variant on that one says simple "No truth in Pravda, no news in Izvestia".

 

[Pirate]

The late President Reagan once told one like this at a press conference:

A man is walks down the street one night and passes a Soviet guard.
The guard asks his, "Hey! Where are you going?!"
"Home" replies the man.
The guard says, "You realize there is a curfew here."
The man looks scared and starts to run away so the guard levels his rifle and shoots him dead.
Another man witnesses this and says to the guard, "Curfew doesn't begin for another 15 minutes. Why did you shoot him?"
The guard replies, "That man was a friend of mine and I know where he lives. He never would have made it."

 

[Dann]

@Pirate
Hahahahaha...
Now THAT is black humor of the darkest variety.

 

[Tomoyo]

Never underestimate the speed of people that are slow...

Really. As in actually that is true. As in not really having to do with anything. Just a statement.

"Never would have made it" means they will...

 

[Colonel]

ok this isnt a soviet joke but its got russians

ok a russian, american, jamacian, and a mexiacan all are on a life boat so the russian pulls out a bottle of vodka and takes a drink throws it off, americans says "what the hell that was good" russian says "in russia we have enough vodka to throw away" then the jamacian pulls out a bag of weed rolls a joint and smokes a little throws the rest off, once again the american says what the hell, the jamican says in jamica we have so much weed we can throw it away, little while later the american throws the mexican off, the russian and jamaican says why you do that, american replies in america we have so many mexicans we can throw um away




most likely you have heard that but some may not have

 

[General Brown]

All these jokes are great, especially the one aboutt he kindergarten teacher and the girl's kittens.

 

[drag0nf1y]

My friend Tim told me these and I love them:


Q: What does the communist cat say?
A: Mao.

Q: What's a Russian boxer's favorite move?
A: The communist block.

Q: How does a communist keep his bedroom dark?
A: With an iron curtain.

And now one I heard on Colbert:

Q: What does a communist put on his spaghetti?
A: Communist mani-pesto.

 

[drag0nf1y]

Q: What do you call a communist in a hurry?
A: Rushin' (Russian)

Q: What do you call a lazy communist?
A: Stallin' (Stalin)

 

[mr_lewington]

What do Soviet Ideology and President Truman have in common?

No class

(from I Am America (And So Can You!))

 

[Huayna Capac357]

My friend Tim told me these and I love them:


Q: What does the communist cat say?
A: Mao.

Q: What's a Russian boxer's favorite move?
A: The communist block.

Q: How does a communist keep his bedroom dark?
A: With an iron curtain.

And now one I heard on Colbert:

Q: What does a communist put on his spaghetti?
A: Communist mani-pesto.

It's "What does Karl Marx put on his pasta."



Continually, this thread has already been made. It's called "Trotsky walks into a bar..."

 

[Mirc]

Ummmm.... this thread is a few years older than the other! This one's from 2004....

 

[Stewie0416]

Thats a pretty big bump dragonfly!

 

[Onionsoilder]

Very big bump... lets keep all the jokes in this thread.