Give me a joke

[WS78]

A guy walks into a bar with an oillamp, a tiny piano and a short guy following him.
The bartender says: what are you doing with a an oillamp, a piano and a midget?
The guy says: well take this lamp and rub it.
The bartender rubs the lamp and behold a genie pops out!
Master, you may make one wish!
The bartender says: I want a million bucks!
Then suddenly the genie disappears and the bar is filled with ducks!
The bartender says: what the hell? I didn't ask for this!
The guy says: did you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?

 

[Azadre]

http://forums.civfanatics.com/forumdisplay.php?s=&daysprune=&f=21

 

[Turner]

Moderator Action: Thread moved...

 

[Crazy Eddie]

@WS78: I like that. Here's another good joke...


A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"

The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister" says the little girl.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'

 

[WS78]

LOL, I can't get up!

 

[Startaff]

This is a VERY localized joke. I do hope you can enjoy it.
It's about Publitalia (the aggressive and businesslike selling branch of Berlusconi's TVs advertising) and SIPRA (the slightly shabby selling branch of Italian state TVs).


A salesman from SIPRA dies and goes to hell.

At his arrival, the guardian devil says:
"We have a section for TV advertising salesmen. It's divided in two by a wall.
On this side are the SIPRA salesmen; on the other side are the Publitalia salesmen.
We give you the option to choose which side you prefer."

"What's the difference, sir?"

"In the SIPRA section you'll burn by the flames, being stabbed by devils and must eat one barrel of **** every day. In the Publitalia section you'll burn by the flames too, being stabbed by devils too and must eat just one kilogram of **** every day."

"OK, I already ate too much **** during my working life at SIPRA! Therefore I choose to go into the Publitalia section."

He's driven there immediately but, while being stabbed and burnt and eating **** between tears, he hears chants and cheers coming from the other side of the wall, from the SIPRA section.

"Hey, devil, sir! What the hell are they singing for?"

"You know, man. In the SIPRA section, one day the fire isn't working, another day the stabbing devils are on strike, another day again the **** is out of stock..."

 

[Startaff]

REQUEST OF EXEMPTION FROM MILITARY SERVICE

To the attention of the Minister of Defense.

Herewith I'm respectfully reporting facts which should be taken in due consideration for the positive outcome of my request.
I'm 24 and I married a 44 year old widow who has a 25 y.o. daughter.
My father married said daughter.
Therefore, currently my father has become my son-in-law.
Besides, my daughter-in-law has also become my stepmother, having married my father.
My wife and I had a son last January.
This boy is brother to my father's wife, therefore he's brother-in-law to my father.
And he's also my uncle, being brother to my stepmother.
Consequently, my son is my uncle too.
Last Christmas, my father's wife had a son who is also my brother, being my father's son, and my grandson, being son to my wife's daughter.
Therefore I'm the brother of my grandson and, as the husband of the mother of a person is this person's father, the result is that I'm father to my wife's daughter and brother to her son.
Therefore, I'm my grandad.

Having explained all this, it's clear that I'm entitled to exemption from the military service as the law forbids that father, son and grandson be on service at the same time.
Kind regards.

 

[Startaff]

Saddam asked God: "How will be Iraq into 4 years time?"
God said: "It'll be ruined and flattened by American bombs."
Saddam felt to his knees, crying desperately.

Bush asked God: "How will be America into 4 years time?"
God said: "It'll be ruined and contaminated by terrorist bombs."
Bush felt to his knees, crying desperately.

Berslusconi asked God: "How will be Italy after 4 years of my government?"
God felt to his knees, crying desperately.

 

[Startaff]

Another one on Berlusconi (Premise: everybody here know that ha lives in an ancient villa almost the size of Versailles but he's not well reknown for his culture).

A fierce fire completely destroys the biblioteque of Berlusconi's villa.
Both volumes are lost.
Berlusconi is very sad because he still had to colour the second one.

 

[Startaff]

Berlusconi's maid stumbles and falls.
He helps her to get up and she says:
"Mr.Berlusconi, how kind of you! What can I do to thank you?"

"Well, my dear, in a few days is election time: you could vote for me!"

"Are you kidding? I falled on my knees, not on my head!"

 

[Startaff]

Berlusconi enters a bank with a 1million check and asks for cash.
The clerk asks him to show a document to prove his identity.

"Are you kidding? I'm Berlusconi! Call the manager!"

"The manager is out for lunch. You must prove your identity to me."

"I have no docs with me now!"

"You can do something as a proof. Yesterday Machael Jackson came in without docs too and he had to sing for an hour to proof his identity. Now, if for example you can say something..."

"Well, I don't know. Right now only bullsh... come to my mind!"

"Allright, sir. Do you want small cash too?"

 

[Startaff]

The highway is completely blocked with cars.

A guy who's been waiting since three hours in his car sees a man walking among the cars.

"Ehi! What's up?"

"A group of terrorists is helding Berlusconi as an hostage. They want 100million or they're going to pour gasoline onto him and burn him. We're making a collection for the necessary."

"How much did you managed to raise, up to now?"

"About 500 gallons."

 

[Startaff]

Berlusconi is offering a country vacation to two hosts: the Indian Prime Minister and the Turkish Prime Minister.
Unfortunately their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.
Walking in the fields and in the dark of the night they finally find a farm.

Knock, knock!
"Who is it?"
"I'm Prime Minister Berlusconi. We're lost and need a refuge for the night!"
"OK, sir, but I've only two beds. Therefore, one of you will have to sleep in the stable."
"No problem. I'll go." says Indian Prime Minister.
"Good night."

Knock, knock!
"Who is it?"
I'm the Indian Prime Minister. In the stable there's a cow and I cannot respectfully sleep close to a sacred animal!"
"No problem. I'll go." says Turkish Prime Minister.
"Good night."

Knock, knock!
"Who is it?"
I'm the Turkish Prime Minister. In the stable there's a pig and I cannot sleep close to such an impure animal!"
"No problem. I'll go." says Barlusconi.
"Good night."

Knock, knock!
"Who is it?"
"We're the cow and the pig. In the stable there's..."

 

[Lord Paul]

Whoa. That's alot of posts in a row, Startaff.

 

[Stefan Haertel]

Yeah, but the jokes are good

 

[shadowdude]

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?


With a plastic surgeon's catalog!

 

[Turner]

Moderator Action: Starstaff - Warned, Spamming. Please put all your jokes in one thread. There's no need to make seperate posts for each joke.

 

[Startaff]

Moderator Action: Starstaff - Warned, Spamming. Please put all your jokes in one thread. There's no need to make seperate posts for each joke.

Ok, sorry! I thought that it'd have been too long a post with so many jokes (and I thought that "spamming" was equivalent of "irrelevant posting" ?!?)

I was also a bit over the top 'cause of the bash Berlusconi just had!

 

[Turner]

You're right, sorta. Spamming can be irrelevant posting, or posting one after the other.

No worries.

 

[Startaff]

Ehi, Turner!
Great link to that "iMac shooting"!
It shows how much difficult is to break a Mac.
To get the same results on PCs, usually turning them on is enough...