Kafka2
Whale-raping abomination
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2001
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Historical Filth- Hellraisers of the 18th Century
I'm going to beg your indulgence for this one. Normally "Filth" articles revolve around the dirty little secrets of the people who made history- kings, Popes and Generals. This one doesn't. In the grand sweep of history these characters probably don't amount to a great deal, but sometimes you've just got to trust your instincts. These people were un-frigging-believable.
What's a hellraiser? Violent, lecherous and drunk, but crucially they have to carry off their actions with style. The notion of the hellraiser was born in the 17th century, and these boys from the British Isles were among the very greatest. Enjoy....
Archbishop Lancelot Blackburne (1658- 1743)
I consider Blackburne to be the first great British hellraiser. His youth was uneventful- he was educated at Christchurch and ordained as a priest in 1681. Growing bored with the parish priest life, he accepted a church posting to the Caribbean. At this point, he took an unusual change of career path and became a pirate.
He spent a few years enthusiastically (and ruthlessly) racking up a tidy little fortune before retiring back to England , searching out a diocese where the incumbent priest was at death's door- leaving him as Rector of Calstock. By 1694 he was sub-Dean at Exeter Cathedral but was forced to resign when it was revealed he had constructed a tunnel connecting his house with the bedroom of a local dignitary's wife.
He used his immense charm to get himself reinstated two years later. By 1714, his pathologically anti-Catholic views made him very popular with George I, and he was appointed Bishop of Exeter. However he chose to live in London, because he knew where all the best brothels were there. Eventually he became Archbishop of York, but never bothered fulfilling any of his duties as he was too busy fornicating. Chroniclers of the time noted he always insisted on sharing his bed with at least two young women at any one time. After his death it was claimed that every prostitute in Yorkshire was in mourning.
Beauchamp Bagenal- (1741- 1802)
One of the most fondly-remembered Irish hell-raisers, Bagenal loved a good fight. Being lame, he preferred to fight while leaning against gravestones, but in his old age he was reduced to fighting a neighbour while remaining seated in a chair as he could barely stand. He still won, severely injuring his opponent in the process.
The one thing he loved more than fighting was drinking. He hosted wild drinking matches while holding a brace of pistols- one to shoot open the barrels, with the other used to take pot-shots at guests not drinking enough. Some guests were known to hide in the garden to escape the debauchery. His biographer sums him up thusly-
"....fought a prince, jilted a princess, intoxicated the Doge of Venice, carried off a Duchess from Madrid, scaled the walls of a convent in Lisbon and fought a duel in Paris."
The princess he jilted went on to marry King George III of England.
Brian Maguire - (1770- 1835)
Ireland's greatest duellist. He fought his first duel some time after 1799- it was an unusual duel because while his opponent was armed with a sword, Maguire chose to use a billiard cue. He won, killing his rival in the process. He quickly became a duelling addict, with a habit of leaning out of his bedroom window spitting on passers-by below in the hope of getting challenged to a duel. As he had a reputation of being a lethal fighter, he had increasingly fewer takers as the years passed. He spent his time shooting out lit candles held by his wife.
George Robert Fitzgerald- (1748- 1786)
Fitzgerald was addicted to duelling, which was a major problem in 18th century Ireland. He fought his first duel at 16, and it was one of his teenage duels that nearly killed him after he was shot in the head. His life was saved by a surgeon who removed the bullet from his brain, which was an impressive display of surgical skill considering that Fitzgerald had him by the throat and was shouting at him to save his toupee at the time. Fitzgerald's father was so distraught with his son's condition that he impaled a well-wisher with his rapier.
Having recovered, Fitzgerald went on to gain a reputation as a duellist so skilled that nobody would fight him. Disappointed by this, he turned to picking quarrels at random by hitting passers-by- on one occasion he shot a man's wig off unprovoked. One pedestrian unlucky enough to step on Fitzgerald's dog was probtly impaled on his rapier. His random acts of violence resulted in him being expelled from the court of Louis XV.
His father was on the receiving end of the worst of Fitzgerald's temper. When Fitzgerald Snr. refused to change his will, his son knocked his teeth out before manacling him to a bear for the day. He was then locked up on a cave. This ill-treatment resulted in him being sentenced to two years imprisonment, but it proved impossible to lock up a man with a private army of 500 men.
Fitzgerald finally made the fatal mistake of being so irascible that his own army fled in fear. He was sentenced to death for murdering a rival. On the first attempt to hang him the rope broke, and Fitzgerald entertained the crowd with jokes while the hangman set up the gallows again. The second attempt proved successful.
John Mytton - English (1796- 1834)
Mytton started early- he was expelled from Westminster School at the age of 12 for repeatedly getting involved in fist-fights with his teachers (which he usually won), and for leaving horses in his tutor's (upper storey) bedroom. He was expelled from Harrow after only 3 days. He became MP for Shrewsbury in 1819 by wandering around his constituents, inviting them to take £10 notes from his hat. However he found his first visit to Parliament dull and never went back.
Instead of politics he concentrated on his drinking and dangerous sports. A typical day would consist of drinking 5 bottles of port for breakfast, racing his carriage until it would crash, followed by a bout of wrestling with his pet bear. Occasionally he would watch dog-fights, though he tended to get over-excited and on one occasion defeated a champion fighting Bull Terrier with just his teeth. He was also a keen practical joker- guests at his home tended to wake up next to horses or bears, and he was particularly fond of dressing up as a highwayman in order to rob his guests as they returned home.
His physical fortitude was legendary. Shunning warm clothing, he was once seen running stark naked across a frozen lake chasing a duck. The summit of his achievements in this field came with his cure for hiccups. Having heard that suffering a fright could cure hiccups, he attempted to cure himself by setting his nighshirt on fire. In the process he suffered severe burns that left him bed-ridden for a month, but was reputedly delighted that his cure was a success- declaring "The hiccup is gone, by God!" before losing consciousness. While recovering, he staggered several miles in his bandages to keep an appointment as the carriage sent to collect him had only two horses, and he refused to settle for less than four. He ended his days in a debtors jail, drinking himself to death.
Would-be hellraisers take note. This is the standard to match, or you'll end up looking like a bit of a big girl's blouse in comparison.
I'm going to beg your indulgence for this one. Normally "Filth" articles revolve around the dirty little secrets of the people who made history- kings, Popes and Generals. This one doesn't. In the grand sweep of history these characters probably don't amount to a great deal, but sometimes you've just got to trust your instincts. These people were un-frigging-believable.
What's a hellraiser? Violent, lecherous and drunk, but crucially they have to carry off their actions with style. The notion of the hellraiser was born in the 17th century, and these boys from the British Isles were among the very greatest. Enjoy....
Archbishop Lancelot Blackburne (1658- 1743)
I consider Blackburne to be the first great British hellraiser. His youth was uneventful- he was educated at Christchurch and ordained as a priest in 1681. Growing bored with the parish priest life, he accepted a church posting to the Caribbean. At this point, he took an unusual change of career path and became a pirate.
He spent a few years enthusiastically (and ruthlessly) racking up a tidy little fortune before retiring back to England , searching out a diocese where the incumbent priest was at death's door- leaving him as Rector of Calstock. By 1694 he was sub-Dean at Exeter Cathedral but was forced to resign when it was revealed he had constructed a tunnel connecting his house with the bedroom of a local dignitary's wife.
He used his immense charm to get himself reinstated two years later. By 1714, his pathologically anti-Catholic views made him very popular with George I, and he was appointed Bishop of Exeter. However he chose to live in London, because he knew where all the best brothels were there. Eventually he became Archbishop of York, but never bothered fulfilling any of his duties as he was too busy fornicating. Chroniclers of the time noted he always insisted on sharing his bed with at least two young women at any one time. After his death it was claimed that every prostitute in Yorkshire was in mourning.
Beauchamp Bagenal- (1741- 1802)
One of the most fondly-remembered Irish hell-raisers, Bagenal loved a good fight. Being lame, he preferred to fight while leaning against gravestones, but in his old age he was reduced to fighting a neighbour while remaining seated in a chair as he could barely stand. He still won, severely injuring his opponent in the process.
The one thing he loved more than fighting was drinking. He hosted wild drinking matches while holding a brace of pistols- one to shoot open the barrels, with the other used to take pot-shots at guests not drinking enough. Some guests were known to hide in the garden to escape the debauchery. His biographer sums him up thusly-
"....fought a prince, jilted a princess, intoxicated the Doge of Venice, carried off a Duchess from Madrid, scaled the walls of a convent in Lisbon and fought a duel in Paris."
The princess he jilted went on to marry King George III of England.
Brian Maguire - (1770- 1835)
Ireland's greatest duellist. He fought his first duel some time after 1799- it was an unusual duel because while his opponent was armed with a sword, Maguire chose to use a billiard cue. He won, killing his rival in the process. He quickly became a duelling addict, with a habit of leaning out of his bedroom window spitting on passers-by below in the hope of getting challenged to a duel. As he had a reputation of being a lethal fighter, he had increasingly fewer takers as the years passed. He spent his time shooting out lit candles held by his wife.
George Robert Fitzgerald- (1748- 1786)
Fitzgerald was addicted to duelling, which was a major problem in 18th century Ireland. He fought his first duel at 16, and it was one of his teenage duels that nearly killed him after he was shot in the head. His life was saved by a surgeon who removed the bullet from his brain, which was an impressive display of surgical skill considering that Fitzgerald had him by the throat and was shouting at him to save his toupee at the time. Fitzgerald's father was so distraught with his son's condition that he impaled a well-wisher with his rapier.
Having recovered, Fitzgerald went on to gain a reputation as a duellist so skilled that nobody would fight him. Disappointed by this, he turned to picking quarrels at random by hitting passers-by- on one occasion he shot a man's wig off unprovoked. One pedestrian unlucky enough to step on Fitzgerald's dog was probtly impaled on his rapier. His random acts of violence resulted in him being expelled from the court of Louis XV.
His father was on the receiving end of the worst of Fitzgerald's temper. When Fitzgerald Snr. refused to change his will, his son knocked his teeth out before manacling him to a bear for the day. He was then locked up on a cave. This ill-treatment resulted in him being sentenced to two years imprisonment, but it proved impossible to lock up a man with a private army of 500 men.
Fitzgerald finally made the fatal mistake of being so irascible that his own army fled in fear. He was sentenced to death for murdering a rival. On the first attempt to hang him the rope broke, and Fitzgerald entertained the crowd with jokes while the hangman set up the gallows again. The second attempt proved successful.
John Mytton - English (1796- 1834)
Mytton started early- he was expelled from Westminster School at the age of 12 for repeatedly getting involved in fist-fights with his teachers (which he usually won), and for leaving horses in his tutor's (upper storey) bedroom. He was expelled from Harrow after only 3 days. He became MP for Shrewsbury in 1819 by wandering around his constituents, inviting them to take £10 notes from his hat. However he found his first visit to Parliament dull and never went back.
Instead of politics he concentrated on his drinking and dangerous sports. A typical day would consist of drinking 5 bottles of port for breakfast, racing his carriage until it would crash, followed by a bout of wrestling with his pet bear. Occasionally he would watch dog-fights, though he tended to get over-excited and on one occasion defeated a champion fighting Bull Terrier with just his teeth. He was also a keen practical joker- guests at his home tended to wake up next to horses or bears, and he was particularly fond of dressing up as a highwayman in order to rob his guests as they returned home.
His physical fortitude was legendary. Shunning warm clothing, he was once seen running stark naked across a frozen lake chasing a duck. The summit of his achievements in this field came with his cure for hiccups. Having heard that suffering a fright could cure hiccups, he attempted to cure himself by setting his nighshirt on fire. In the process he suffered severe burns that left him bed-ridden for a month, but was reputedly delighted that his cure was a success- declaring "The hiccup is gone, by God!" before losing consciousness. While recovering, he staggered several miles in his bandages to keep an appointment as the carriage sent to collect him had only two horses, and he refused to settle for less than four. He ended his days in a debtors jail, drinking himself to death.
Would-be hellraisers take note. This is the standard to match, or you'll end up looking like a bit of a big girl's blouse in comparison.
