BAGHDAD, IRAQ- Given his unceremonious ouster from power and recent detention, one would think that former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein would bitterly resent the American influence in his country, but according to the Red Cross officials who interviewed him in his cell on Wednesday, the so-called Butcher of Baghdad has seen the recently-leaked photos of Iraqi prisoner abuse and says that he is downright impressed.
"Sure, I was honked off at first," said Hussein, "but it's really gratifying now to see how the Americans are carrying on my good work, taking it to the next level. America, I didn't think you had it in you. With all your high-minded talk of democracy and freedom, I honestly believed this stuff was beneath you. I fell for your bluff just like you took all my WMD saber-rattling to mean that I actually had a weapons program. It's really kind of funny- or maybe not."
Pointing to a photo of sickening sexual humiliation involving ambidextrous, double-jointed interrogators, Saddam gasped in wonder. "We tried that one a few times, but it never quite worked out as planned. My henchmen weren't limber enough. Too much hummus, I think."
As the images from the Abu Ghraib prison grew more gruesome and complex, Hussein's expression continued to brighten. "See, I never would have thought of that one," gawked Hussein, pouring over the photo. "Somebody had to have sat down and really planned that one out because if the candle wax drips out of sync with the rotating knife blades the whole effect is ruined. I'd really love to have a talk with the fellow who designed this."
Over the course of decades, Hussein built a reputation as the maddest madman in the Middle East: random imprisonment, grisly murders, nightmarish conditions both inside and outside his famous torture rooms. Image after image fell under the fallen fascist's gaze. He could not get enough of them.
"I have to say this one with the twelve-foot-long salt spike makes me a little jealous," he grumbled. "I suggested something like this for the torture and murder of one of my sons-in-law, and it didn't work out at all like I'd hoped. Sure he was killed over a six hour period and exposed to some of the most inhumane treatment we could imagine, but it wasn't really as much fun as I'd hoped."
Hussein complained that the human rights violations of his regime, fantastic though they were, lacked the style and panache of the recent American atrocities. "Sure, we did man piles, invented them, really. But I never even considered using a smoking lesbian to taunt them. That is the difference between run-of-the-mill villainy and real greatness."
However, the Americans still have a good distance to go, according to Hussein, and much to learn. Upon seeing the photos of dog bites on prisoners' legs and genitals, the nappy-haired monocrat shook his head. "Now, I was more into using lions for that sort of thing," said Hussein pedantically. "The symbolism makes a big impression, even if you're going to kill the guy eventually anyway. In my heyday I regarded dog attacks as strictly bush league. But, hey, not everybody can score the king of the jungle in the middle of a war zone."
Overall, when asked to grade what he saw, the deposed despot issued a respectable but unremarkable B+ for the American effort. In spite of the exceptionally high quality of the cruelty, the quantity is still not what it could be. The man reputed to have murdered hundreds of thousands of his own people has an admittedly high standard for productivity, and considers the incidents in Abu Ghraib a good first step.
"Seriously now, hand to Allah," swore Hussein. "I promise the people of Iraq that if I somehow manage to return to power, things will be different. The ingenuity of the infidels has inspired some new ideas that I'm dying to try out."
--Mark Arenz
I always knew Hussein was nuts
![[pimp]](/images/smilies/pimp.gif "Pimp [pimp]")
. good one^^
