Russian jokes

[RoddyVR]

i came to the US from Russia when i was 10 years old.
i've recently started remembering jokes i was told as a kid.
i've gotten my paarents to remember as many as they could.

anyway, i wanna write them down somewhere safe so i'm gonna start posting them here.

Disclaimers: My memory for names (especialy historical) is realy bad, so i'll get them wrong or ommit them. I'm translating from Russian here, so if a joke dont make sense, tell me, and i'll try to translate it differently.
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Guy runs into the Premier's office and sais:
"Sir, have you heard? The Americans have succesfully sent astranauts to the moon."
"Well we cant let them have such a victory in the space race.... We'll send a mission to the Sun!"
"Um, sir, the shuttle and the cosmonauts would vaporize a long time before reaching the sun"
"What do you think i'm stupid or something? We'll send them at night."

======================================

Man walking down the street carrying a large watermellon.
Guy stops him and asks him for the time.
"Hold the watermellon for a sec, would you"
Guy takes the watermellon.
Man speards his hands and sais "how the hell should i know what time it is"

========================================

more later.

 

[Nad]

Your first joke is really funny but I don't understand the 2nd one (maybe I'm a bit thick?)

 

[RoddyVR]

second joke realy should be told in person.
the funny part is that instead of just saying "i dont know what time it is" the guy gave the other one the watermellon so that he could make the "i dont know" jesture with his arms and still not give the first one the info he was looking for.
maybe i'll get my sister to draw a few cartoons of what goes on in that joke, cause i realy like it, but it does have to be shown to be funny.

 

[Bacon King]

Ive heard the first one in the form of a blonde joke. still funny, though.

 

[polymath]

These are about old communist Russia, with all the KGB informants about, really bad time.

Two guys meet up in the street for the first time in a while. The first guy says:
"How are you?"
The second guy says:
"Oh, can't complain."


A guy's plumbing breaks down, he rings the state water people, they say 'We can't get anyone out until 10.00 a.m, February 9th, 2007.'
The guy says 'Damn, can you make it in the afternoon?'
The water people say 'Why's that?'
The guy says 'I've got the state electrician coming round in the morning.'

 

[WillJ]

Originally posted by RoddyVR
maybe i'll get my sister to draw a few cartoons of what goes on in that joke, cause i realy like it, but it does have to be shown to be funny.

Nah, we get it. Both were pretty funny.

From the USSR:

A speaker tells his listeners, "The communist ideal is already on the horizon."
The audience wonders quietly, "What IS a horizon?"
-Answer: an imaginary line where the sky comes together with the earth; it moves off when you try to get closer.


Someone asks a guide in hell: "Why does Hitler stand up to his neck in ****, while Stalin is only up to his waist?"
-He answers, "Because Stalin is standing on Lenin's shoulders."


What has 40 teeth and 4 legs?
-A crocodile.
What has 4 teeth and 40 legs?
-The Central Committee of the Communist Party.


What was the nationality of Adam and Eve?
-Russian of course. Why else would they think they're in Paradise when they were homeless, naked, and just had one apple for both of them?

 

[Junzi Nicuzn]

Old joke, obviously because of the Yeltsin-Bush characters. (I assume it was Bush senior)

President Boris Yeltsin called President Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Yeltsin.
"Yes?", replied the President.
"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

 

[GenghisK]

A man traveling by a Tupolev russiona plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility,
but each time he tried, it was occupied.
The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' ladies room but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
When he arrived in the attendants' ladies room, next to the paper
roll there were four buttons marked: WW, WA, PP, and ATR.
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button, and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed onto his bare bottom. He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice!"
So a little more boldly, he pressed the WA button, and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation.
A soft, disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off.
Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what had happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the
Automatic Tampon Removal button."

 

[GenghisK]

Oops double post.

 

[Benderino]

Originally posted by bacon king
Ive heard the first one in the form of a blonde joke. still funny, though.

I think it was a Polish joke for me

 

[Aphex_Twin]

Originally posted by Junzi Nicuzn
Old joke, obviously because of the Yeltsin-Bush characters. (I assume it was Bush senior)

President Boris Yeltsin called President Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Yeltsin.
"Yes?", replied the President.
"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

This can be traced back to Sir Winston Churchill and WW2. Sir Winston ordered that condoms to be distributed to G.I.s be printed with the words : "SMALL SIZE"...

 

[Zcylen]

good joke Gengis

 

[Japanrocks12]

A New Russian calls to his secretary:
- Lena, how much of zeros are in one million?
- Six.
He disconnects and tells his partner:
- You see? Six zeros in one million! Thus, in two millions it is twelve.

Send this joke to your friends During a wild drinking party an NR is seated at a table, his head resting in a salad plate. Another one comes up, saying:
- How are you doing, Vasya? How's your life?
- A complete success, - retorts the first NR and drops his head back into the salad...

 

[Specialist290]

I've heard that the Russians are working on a stealth bomber. They're calling it the Optical Ilyushin

(You have to know your airplanes to get this one.)

 

[RoddyVR]

two cops walking down the street.

"its Misha's birthday tomorow. you know what you're gonna get him?"
"I was thinking of getting him a book."
"That's a horrible idea."
"why?"
"he already has one."

 

[polymath]

I love that book one Roddy!

 

[SeleucusNicator]

Well, there's the classic one, which I can't believe has not yet been posted here.

Brezhnev visits Carter in the White House. Jimmy takes him to a small room with a box in it; the box has a red button on it. Carter tells Brezhnev to press the button. Leo does so, and is promptly hit by a squirt of water. He turns immediately to Carter, who says "American joke!"

A few months later, Carter visits Brezhnev in the Kremlin. Brezhnev leads the president to a room with small box in it; the box has a red button. Brezhnev asks Carter to press the button. Jimmy does so, and nothing happens. "What was that?", asks Carter. "Russian joke," Brezhnev replies. "Pah, that's nothing," says Carter. "Back in New York we have a..." "Ah, there is no more New York" Brezhnev interrupts him, with a smile.

The joke was told to me in Polish by my mother. As her version of it originated in Eastern Europe, Carter is mistakenly portrayed as somebody who is knowledgeable about New York. The joke is also done with Reagan/Gorbachev and, recently, Bush/BinLaden.