Strider
In Retrospect
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Messages
- 8,984
Dieting:
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Another good reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back. -Robert Quillen
Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork. -English Proverb
Eat... to live, and do not live to eat. -William Penn, 1693
I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!
I'm a light eater. When it gets light, I start eating. -Tommy John
I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat. -Jennifer Greene Duncan
I'm in shape. Round is a shape... isn't it?
Im not overweight, Im undertall.
I'm on a 90-day wonder diet. Thus far, I've lost 45 days.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
--Joel, 14, Advice from Kids*
It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.*
A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.*
I have a weight problem(I can't wait to start eating!!!)*
Touch your toes
And touch your toes
And wish you'd skipped those Oreo's.*
I get my exercise running to the refrigerator. *
I thought tuna was something to hold the mayonaise together.*
Seven days without chocolate makes one weak.*
First you consume chocolate, then chocolate consumes you.*
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.*
Some people are afraid of heights.
I'm afraid of widths.*
You know you are dieting when postage stamps taste good.*
Nonsense:
I'm not insensitive, I just don't care.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure...
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Constant change is here to stay.
I know it sounds like I'm in denial, but I'm not.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
All generalizations are false, even this one.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. --Albert Einstein *
That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.-Yogi Bera*
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! *
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.*
Unanswered Questions:
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?
If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
The "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business... didn't they see it coming?
Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them?
Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a word is mispelled in the dictionary, is it mispelled?
And if it is mispelled, how would we know?-AML
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
If you are dialing from a touch-tone phone, Why do you call it 'dialing'? -Ziggy*
Funny/Thoughtful:
Never forget a friend, especially those that owe you--Chinese Proverb
In Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.
Strangers have the best candy.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes. -Jack Handy
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
My husband and I divorced over religious reasons. He thought he was G-d and I didn't!
Earth is the insane Asylum for the universe.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met!
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back!
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.
Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.
Never drink water - if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach.
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel...just hope it's NOT a train!
I'm not littering... I'm donating to the earth.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If you dont like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.
Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!
Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.
Only in America do we have drive up ATM's with braile on them.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'!
The only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.
money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with.
Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it.
ALWAYS LATE but worth the wait
I'd have a photographic memory but it was never developed
I'm actually quite pleasant until I'm awake
If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?*
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less. *
He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged. *
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Another good reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back. -Robert Quillen
Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork. -English Proverb
Eat... to live, and do not live to eat. -William Penn, 1693
I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!
I'm a light eater. When it gets light, I start eating. -Tommy John
I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat. -Jennifer Greene Duncan
I'm in shape. Round is a shape... isn't it?
Im not overweight, Im undertall.
I'm on a 90-day wonder diet. Thus far, I've lost 45 days.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
--Joel, 14, Advice from Kids*
It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.*
A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.*
I have a weight problem(I can't wait to start eating!!!)*
Touch your toes
And touch your toes
And wish you'd skipped those Oreo's.*
I get my exercise running to the refrigerator. *
I thought tuna was something to hold the mayonaise together.*
Seven days without chocolate makes one weak.*
First you consume chocolate, then chocolate consumes you.*
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.*
Some people are afraid of heights.
I'm afraid of widths.*
You know you are dieting when postage stamps taste good.*
Nonsense:
I'm not insensitive, I just don't care.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure...
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Constant change is here to stay.
I know it sounds like I'm in denial, but I'm not.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
All generalizations are false, even this one.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. --Albert Einstein *
That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.-Yogi Bera*
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! *
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.*
Unanswered Questions:
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?
If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
The "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business... didn't they see it coming?
Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them?
Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a word is mispelled in the dictionary, is it mispelled?
And if it is mispelled, how would we know?-AML
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
If you are dialing from a touch-tone phone, Why do you call it 'dialing'? -Ziggy*
Funny/Thoughtful:
Never forget a friend, especially those that owe you--Chinese Proverb
In Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.
Strangers have the best candy.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes. -Jack Handy
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
My husband and I divorced over religious reasons. He thought he was G-d and I didn't!
Earth is the insane Asylum for the universe.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met!
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back!
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.
Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.
Never drink water - if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach.
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel...just hope it's NOT a train!
I'm not littering... I'm donating to the earth.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If you dont like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.
Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!
Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.
Only in America do we have drive up ATM's with braile on them.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'!
The only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.
money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with.
Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it.
ALWAYS LATE but worth the wait
I'd have a photographic memory but it was never developed
I'm actually quite pleasant until I'm awake
If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?*
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less. *
He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged. *
