Aramazd
Deity
This is great
Simplified Script of The Two Towers
- Thread starter napoleon526
- Start date
This is great
Portuguese
Vassalising Spain
Napoleon has conquered the battle fields of Middle Earth...
CIVPhilzilla
Reagan Republican
Lord Draegon
Awoken
Don Quixote
Don Quixote
Chivalry demands I destroy that evil thing.
Sancho Panza
No, master. It is something ordinary and harmless.
Don Quixote
(falls down)
THE END
Homer's Oddysey
Odysseus
I rule.
Poseidon
For your sin of pride, I curse you for all eternity.
(Unfazed, Odysseus boards his ship and sets SAIL for Greece, where his family is awaiting his RETURN from Troy. A STORM happens, and it drives them off course into the MEDITERRANEAN, where they come upon a strange LAND owned by the giant Cyclops POLYPHEMUS who eats some of the men ALL UP, but then they ESCAPE. Still lost, they run into the island of the sorceress CIRCE who turns some of Odysseus' men into ANIMALS, and it takes YEARS before they escape, and then they sail by some singing SIRENS, but they can't hear because they have STUFF in their ears. Then they come upon an island where there is a field of HERBS, and they all get HIGH, until Odysseus says it's time to GO. Then Odysseus' men let a WIND out of a BAG, and some more men DIE. And they sail on to HADES to talk to some DEAD people, and some more men DIE. And they steer the ship between the six headed monster SCYLLA and the torrential whirlpool CHARYBDIS, and Scylla makes some more men DIE, and Charybdis makes the rest of them DIE. Then the ship busts up into a JILLION pieces, but Odysseus is SAVED by the nymph Calypso who confines him to her ISLAND because she thinks he's HOT, and she wants his BODY. Then years later she lets him GO, but Poseidon is determined to terrorize him FURTHER. And then SUDDENLY Odysseus has an IDEA.)
Odysseus
Poseidon, I am sorry.
Poseidon
Ok, you can go home now.
(Odysseus goes home.)
THE END
The two versions of Animal Farm
Old Major, the Pig
Let us overthrow the depraved czar, Farmer Jones, a symbol of a feudalist government that falls into moral ruin by its own excess and corruption. (dies)
Napoleon, the Pig
Yes, let us indeed overthrow the human oligarchy as Karl Ma--uh, Friedrich Enge--uh, Wladimir Iljitsch Leni--uh, Old Major said.
Snowball, the Pig
Yes. I'll lead the defense, unwary that you, like the other Napoleon, are pulling a strategic Stalinesque maneuver by using our revolution as a means to set up your own cruel totalitarian empire. I'm a regular Leo Dawidowitsch Trotzky!
(Napoleon sicks his pack of secret police dogs on Snowball, and they EXILE him.)
Sheep
See how easily we, the blind followers of our leaders, ignore the facts and are swayed into loyalty by the pushing of emotional buttons? Four legs good. Two legs baaaad.
Rats and Rabbits
Can we, the Menscheviki, be comrades too?
Moses, the Raven
Take comfort in what I, a symbol of the Orthodox Church, say. When you die, you'll go to the glorious Sugarcandy Mountain. So there's no need for revolution after all.
Squealer, the Pig
Go away, opiate of the people. Like Goebbels, the German minister of propaganda, I have a much greater hold on the people than you do.
Pigeons
Let's be the message carriers of communism and spread the doctrine of the revolution far beyond the physical boundaries of our regime.
Boxer, the Horse
Napoleon is always right. Like the Russian working class, I am convinced of the necessity of our revolution, firmly devoted to its cause, and work hard for my leaders.
Napoleon, the Pig
Good horse, Boxer. We need more animals like you.
Boxer, the Horse
I'm old now. At long last, I have reached retirement age. Now I can rest peacefully while Napoleon takes care of me.
Napoleon, the Pig
Think again, you lazy oaf. (sells Boxer for glue)
(The animals destroy the windmill in an action symbolic of the failure of the Five Year Economic Plan. Then the pigs turn into humans. Thus ends this dystopian fable on totalitarianism.)
THE END
Some pigs lead a revolt against people, act like jerks, and play poker.
THE END
Frankenstein
Walton
Dear Margaret: My ship picked up this guy. He RULES.
Frankenstein
I discovered the secret of life, and everyone died. (dies)
Frankenstein's Monster
Inexplicably, I have become suicidal. (jumps out a window)
The Lady or the Tiger
The Tiger!!
THE END
Huckleberry Finn
Huckleberry Finn
(Goes rafting. Goes home.)
THE END
Charlotte's Web
Wilbur, the Pig
I don't want to die.
Charlotte, the Spider
Fear not. I have a plan.
(Charlotte spins a web over the pig with words like GREAT and SUPER in it.)
Everyone
The pig is amazing.
Reader
The spider is amazing.
THE END
Don Quixote
Chivalry demands I destroy that evil thing.
Sancho Panza
No, master. It is something ordinary and harmless.
Don Quixote
(falls down)
THE END
Homer's Oddysey
Odysseus
I rule.
Poseidon
For your sin of pride, I curse you for all eternity.
(Unfazed, Odysseus boards his ship and sets SAIL for Greece, where his family is awaiting his RETURN from Troy. A STORM happens, and it drives them off course into the MEDITERRANEAN, where they come upon a strange LAND owned by the giant Cyclops POLYPHEMUS who eats some of the men ALL UP, but then they ESCAPE. Still lost, they run into the island of the sorceress CIRCE who turns some of Odysseus' men into ANIMALS, and it takes YEARS before they escape, and then they sail by some singing SIRENS, but they can't hear because they have STUFF in their ears. Then they come upon an island where there is a field of HERBS, and they all get HIGH, until Odysseus says it's time to GO. Then Odysseus' men let a WIND out of a BAG, and some more men DIE. And they sail on to HADES to talk to some DEAD people, and some more men DIE. And they steer the ship between the six headed monster SCYLLA and the torrential whirlpool CHARYBDIS, and Scylla makes some more men DIE, and Charybdis makes the rest of them DIE. Then the ship busts up into a JILLION pieces, but Odysseus is SAVED by the nymph Calypso who confines him to her ISLAND because she thinks he's HOT, and she wants his BODY. Then years later she lets him GO, but Poseidon is determined to terrorize him FURTHER. And then SUDDENLY Odysseus has an IDEA.)
Odysseus
Poseidon, I am sorry.
Poseidon
Ok, you can go home now.
(Odysseus goes home.)
THE END
The two versions of Animal Farm
Old Major, the Pig
Let us overthrow the depraved czar, Farmer Jones, a symbol of a feudalist government that falls into moral ruin by its own excess and corruption. (dies)
Napoleon, the Pig
Yes, let us indeed overthrow the human oligarchy as Karl Ma--uh, Friedrich Enge--uh, Wladimir Iljitsch Leni--uh, Old Major said.
Snowball, the Pig
Yes. I'll lead the defense, unwary that you, like the other Napoleon, are pulling a strategic Stalinesque maneuver by using our revolution as a means to set up your own cruel totalitarian empire. I'm a regular Leo Dawidowitsch Trotzky!
(Napoleon sicks his pack of secret police dogs on Snowball, and they EXILE him.)
Sheep
See how easily we, the blind followers of our leaders, ignore the facts and are swayed into loyalty by the pushing of emotional buttons? Four legs good. Two legs baaaad.
Rats and Rabbits
Can we, the Menscheviki, be comrades too?
Moses, the Raven
Take comfort in what I, a symbol of the Orthodox Church, say. When you die, you'll go to the glorious Sugarcandy Mountain. So there's no need for revolution after all.
Squealer, the Pig
Go away, opiate of the people. Like Goebbels, the German minister of propaganda, I have a much greater hold on the people than you do.
Pigeons
Let's be the message carriers of communism and spread the doctrine of the revolution far beyond the physical boundaries of our regime.
Boxer, the Horse
Napoleon is always right. Like the Russian working class, I am convinced of the necessity of our revolution, firmly devoted to its cause, and work hard for my leaders.
Napoleon, the Pig
Good horse, Boxer. We need more animals like you.
Boxer, the Horse
I'm old now. At long last, I have reached retirement age. Now I can rest peacefully while Napoleon takes care of me.
Napoleon, the Pig
Think again, you lazy oaf. (sells Boxer for glue)
(The animals destroy the windmill in an action symbolic of the failure of the Five Year Economic Plan. Then the pigs turn into humans. Thus ends this dystopian fable on totalitarianism.)
THE END
Some pigs lead a revolt against people, act like jerks, and play poker.
THE END
Frankenstein
Walton
Dear Margaret: My ship picked up this guy. He RULES.
Frankenstein
I discovered the secret of life, and everyone died. (dies)
Frankenstein's Monster
Inexplicably, I have become suicidal. (jumps out a window)
The Lady or the Tiger
The Tiger!!
THE END
Huckleberry Finn
Huckleberry Finn
(Goes rafting. Goes home.)
THE END
Charlotte's Web
Wilbur, the Pig
I don't want to die.
Charlotte, the Spider
Fear not. I have a plan.
(Charlotte spins a web over the pig with words like GREAT and SUPER in it.)
Everyone
The pig is amazing.
Reader
The spider is amazing.
THE END
Lord Draegon
Awoken
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
(Charlie gets a TON of Willy Wonka chocolate bars.)
Charlie
Hooray. I'm an instant winner.
Willy Wonka
Hi kids. Four of you will undergo severe physiological distress that in the real world would get me sued, and one will be picked to be the Special One.
(Charlie gets picked.)
THE END
Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator
(Willy Wonka invites Charlie and his grandparents' BED into his glass elevator, which is GREAT. The elevator busts through the ROOF and carries them into outer SPACE.)
Aliens
Scram.
(They fly back to Earth.)
THE END
The Fantastic Mr. Fox
Boggis, Bunce, and Bean
We're ugly and cruel.
(They shoot off Mr. Fox's tail, decimate a hill, and lay siege to Mr. Fox's den.)
Mr. Fox
Never fear. On account of my rulingness, let's dig to the food storage houses of Boggis, Bunce, and Bean and eat it.
Badger
But stealing is bad.
Mr. Fox
Only if you steal from good people.
Mrs. Fox
MY HUSBAND IS A FANTASTIC FOX!
(The animals eat food and get all happy.)
If You Give a Mouse a Cookie
Don't give anything to anyone.
THE END
The Cat In the Hat
Sally and Me
We're bored.
(The Cat in the Hat shows up and wrecks the entire house. He cleans it up just before MOM gets home.)
Sally and Me
Let us never speak of boredom again.
THE END
The Cat In the Hat Comes Back
It all happens AGAIN.
THE END
Green Eggs and Ham
Some Creature
I won't eat green eggs and ham anywhere, anytime, under any circumstances.
Sam I Am
Try it.
Some Creature
Yum.
THE END
I Can Read With My Eyes Shut
The Cat In the Hat
I can read with my eyes shut, but if you keep them open, you can read about a lot of different things.
THE END
The Giving Tree
Reader
I can't believe you cut that tree down, you jerk.
THE END
(Charlie gets a TON of Willy Wonka chocolate bars.)
Charlie
Hooray. I'm an instant winner.
Willy Wonka
Hi kids. Four of you will undergo severe physiological distress that in the real world would get me sued, and one will be picked to be the Special One.
(Charlie gets picked.)
THE END
Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator
(Willy Wonka invites Charlie and his grandparents' BED into his glass elevator, which is GREAT. The elevator busts through the ROOF and carries them into outer SPACE.)
Aliens
Scram.
(They fly back to Earth.)
THE END
The Fantastic Mr. Fox
Boggis, Bunce, and Bean
We're ugly and cruel.
(They shoot off Mr. Fox's tail, decimate a hill, and lay siege to Mr. Fox's den.)
Mr. Fox
Never fear. On account of my rulingness, let's dig to the food storage houses of Boggis, Bunce, and Bean and eat it.
Badger
But stealing is bad.
Mr. Fox
Only if you steal from good people.
Mrs. Fox
MY HUSBAND IS A FANTASTIC FOX!
(The animals eat food and get all happy.)
If You Give a Mouse a Cookie
Don't give anything to anyone.
THE END
The Cat In the Hat
Sally and Me
We're bored.
(The Cat in the Hat shows up and wrecks the entire house. He cleans it up just before MOM gets home.)
Sally and Me
Let us never speak of boredom again.
THE END
The Cat In the Hat Comes Back
It all happens AGAIN.
THE END
Green Eggs and Ham
Some Creature
I won't eat green eggs and ham anywhere, anytime, under any circumstances.
Sam I Am
Try it.
Some Creature
Yum.
THE END
I Can Read With My Eyes Shut
The Cat In the Hat
I can read with my eyes shut, but if you keep them open, you can read about a lot of different things.
THE END
The Giving Tree
Reader
I can't believe you cut that tree down, you jerk.
THE END
Pariah
Outside Influence
GIRL WITH A PEARL EARRING
Griet: I need money, can I work here?
Crazy Mrs. Vemeer: OK, but keep your bonnet on at all times.
Johannes Vemeer: You're pretty, will you mix my paints for me?
Master Whatisface: Vemeer, paint me a nice girl or two.
Johannes: Griet, get your bonnet off and let me paint you.
Griet: No.
Johannes: then wear my missus' earrings instead... you know you want to...
Evil Cordelia: Mummy, Mummy, that scummy sculery maid has pinched your jewels.
Griet: Um....
Mrs. Vemeer: THAT'S OBSCENE! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW YOU LITTLE B*%$H!!
Griet: I need money, can I work here?
Crazy Mrs. Vemeer: OK, but keep your bonnet on at all times.
Johannes Vemeer: You're pretty, will you mix my paints for me?
Master Whatisface: Vemeer, paint me a nice girl or two.
Johannes: Griet, get your bonnet off and let me paint you.
Griet: No.
Johannes: then wear my missus' earrings instead... you know you want to...
Evil Cordelia: Mummy, Mummy, that scummy sculery maid has pinched your jewels.
Griet: Um....
Mrs. Vemeer: THAT'S OBSCENE! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW YOU LITTLE B*%$H!!
The Person
Deity +2
That was the best of the LOTR thing.:roar:
And the Foundation trilogy was very good, too.
Some people just have too much spare-time. But at least they read books.
Serutan
Eatibus Anythingibus
This is an old email joke I got a few years ago...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
1) Titanic Summarized
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 1 -
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked
for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount
to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they
know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen
the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very
pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again
and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking
wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the
boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though
you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you
like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically
abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really
hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional,
perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least
a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and
plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so
therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo
who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than
you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
Scene 2 -
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on
your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb
into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact
that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like
audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry
indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of
course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand
for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the
film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo
will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly
what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (Sound of clothes hitting the floor.)
Scene 3 -
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (Sound of
drinking.)
ICEBERG: (Hits boat.)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (Silence.)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Where's Leonardo?
Scene 4 -
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: (Aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here! (to
Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally dubious yet somehow
less annoying than you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this
pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the
fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned
previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save
Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway...
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
Scene 5 -
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it
hadn't been for having to rescue him, I could have gotten on an actual
lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much
dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my
supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears
hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey!
Don't you walk away from me! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one.
I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black. Roll credits and play annoyingly overplayed Celine
Dion song.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
1) Titanic Summarized
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 1 -
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked
for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount
to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they
know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen
the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very
pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again
and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking
wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the
boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though
you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you
like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically
abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really
hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional,
perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least
a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and
plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so
therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo
who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than
you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
Scene 2 -
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on
your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb
into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact
that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like
audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry
indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of
course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand
for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the
film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo
will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly
what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (Sound of clothes hitting the floor.)
Scene 3 -
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (Sound of
drinking.)
ICEBERG: (Hits boat.)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (Silence.)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Where's Leonardo?
Scene 4 -
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: (Aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here! (to
Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally dubious yet somehow
less annoying than you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this
pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the
fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned
previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save
Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway...
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
Scene 5 -
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it
hadn't been for having to rescue him, I could have gotten on an actual
lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much
dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my
supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears
hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey!
Don't you walk away from me! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one.
I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black. Roll credits and play annoyingly overplayed Celine
Dion song.)
toh6wy
Emperor
Yep, that Titanic script is on the great site albinoblacksheep.com. Very funny.
Maddox's explanation on what's wrong with LOTR
Maddox's Explanation
Maddox's Explanation
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