The legendary Pass the Stick

[ProPain]

So our heroes suddenly found themselved crammed together in a very small spam can sitting on a shelf in a just gone belly up Kmart. After carefull consideration Hakan Sukur came up with an escape plan which he would explain to the others as soon as he had found a way to get El Seagull's very sour tasting foot from his mouth.

 

[Simon Darkshade]

...He reached into his pocket, extracted a syringe of Python Jaw essence, and thus extended his oral cavity enough to pull out the relevant foot. "Fellas, I've got a plan!"
"Tell us this plan, Hakan!" they chorused, slightly sharp
The only way out of a can of spam is to sing!"
"Sing what?"
"An obscure Russian folk song, popularized by Vladimir Visotsky"
"What a coincidence, I happen to have one right here," exclaimed Steven Seagal in his trademark silly tone, as he pulled out a guitar and sheet music
"You really need to get out more, you know?" chorused the others, this time slightly flat.
And so it was that our Fab Four burst into a badly pronounced impromptu performance of "Tovarisch Stalin", and predictably, the walls came tumbling down, and they fled out into the cold night air of the shopping centre car park.

 

[andycapp]

Only to find that the car park was, in fact, a movie production set. It was Steven Seagal that first noticed the two men dressed in black suits and rayban sunglasses, one short and tubby, the other tall and thin.

"What's doin' ?"Seagal asked the short tubby one.

"We're on a mission from God" he said, "what about you guys?"

 

[duke o' york]

"We're running out of plot ideas actually. Strange you should ask."
"Well", said the tall skinny man in black, "with the cricketing talent in your line up then I don't understand why you don't have a knock around."
"What a splendid idea", piped up Ali Jonty Boucher Rhodes, who confusing put his pipe down and tried to empty it of tobacco while strangely incorporating an England opener into his already very muddled persona.
And so it was that Spitman opened the bowling to Ali Mark Jonty Boucher Butcher Rhodes in the inaugural Hollywood car park spam jerk limited overs match, or HCPSJLOM if you happen to be (a) Graeme, (b) mad, or (c) both these. His deft off break was met with a sturdy defensive by BBRhodes and trickled off toward extra cover, where Steven Seagull returned the ball to the bowler. Just as Spitman was measuring out his run-up for one of his legendary medium pace efforts, one of the smartly-dressed bespectacled duo gave a cry. Following his gesturing, our heroes took a closer look at the ball, which seemed to be breaking up. From within the ball, and to the astonishment of all, there hatched ...........

 

[Simon Darkshade]

a most tremendous sight: A "Chew For Chwenty Chew"; a one inch tall genetically modified cross between Richie Benaud and a vulture.
"Fear not, chaps, for I have a job for you."
"We're not having anything to do with Packer, you hear? He still owes us for World Series Hero Cricket!" growled Hakan menacingly.
"Oh well, there is another task then. You must free South Africa from the grasp of its most evil tyrant!"
"What? Who has conquered my homeland?" Ali BBRhodes exclaimed in horror "Is it Thabo Mbeki? Robert Mugabe? Hanse Cronje? Robin Smith?
Ernie Els? Tell me, small one!!!"
"No, its much worse than that."
"You don't mean..."
"Yesh I do."
"It can't be..."
"It is."
(ALL SCREAM TOGETHER IN UTMOST HORROR) "TONY GREIG!!!!"

The two suited and bespectacled men on a mission from God edged back from the group in sheer terror.
The shorter of them gave their excuse:
"Um, i gotta go die from a drug overdose...See ya!"
And he and his compatriot cartwheeled off into the night.

"Oh dear, how the hell are we going to defeat Tony Greig?" moaned Steven Seagal in despair.

"Fellas, I've got an idea. We must go to Antigua at once!" Spitman suddenly yelled in triumph.

"Why?" they chorused in perfect tune (C sharp)

"To get the Master Blaster, and the rest of the team that Tony said he would make "grovel" !"

So off they went...

 

[Apollo]

to the airport to book a flight to the tiny Caribbean island. As they approached the airport there was a huge traffic backup with policemen everywhere.

"What's going on?" asked Spitman of a nearby officer.
"Some crazy guy has a gun and is holding part of the airport hostage."

At that moment, having heard the explanation, Groundskeeper Willie jumped out of the car behind them. Ripping off his shirt to reveal his bulging muscles beneath he shouted in his thick Scottsman accent: "This is a job for Willie!" and promptly rushed ahead into the building.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

After Steven Seagull kicked the kid away who was banging on their car, they heard gunfire, followed by a yell in the distinctly Scottish voice: "Aye, I'm gettin' bad at this."

With that attempt at solving the situation having failed, the group...

 

[Ohwell]

...decided to make a kaleidoscope to investigate the area. They made it our of Hakan's crusty socks, which were never changed since his encounter with Oprah Winfrey, which changed his life forever. The kaleidoscope was just about finished when a random passerby randomly picked Steven Seagal to yell at with random outbursts. The outbursts barley made Seagal flinch, and the random passerby was randomly eliminated. With that out of the way, ...

 

[Simon Darkshade]

...they boarded their flight and were soon soaring away towards Antigua. After overflying it twice, they parachuted out into the foam pit at the airport (more efficient than landing the plane) and strode towards the arrivals bar.
"What will ya have mon?" asked Rastus Watermelon, Chief of Arrivals.
"Five Red Stripes, and directions to where we can find Viv Richards."
"What ya be wanting with de Master Blaster, mon?" Rastus intoned
"We need him to overthrow and destroy Tony Greig." Spitman spat
"Oh dats alright. You take the first street left at the St. Johns oval, and den...

 

[Comrade Juhon]

...you take a lift from NASA up into de space where ya find da big evil Tony Greig man evil spacestation, which ya should blow up straitaway because the smell of his dirty socks is da source of world hunger and poverty. Go, in da name of Viv Richards, go and...