Daryl17
Chieftain
I found this at encyclopedia titanica's web site. Reminds me a lot of that "bad history" book that was out a few months ago. Unfortunately, the person only finished the first part of it. Maybe I'll start off where he let off 
The Titanic was built slowly in Builtfast, which is in Normal Ireland.
It was put up in the Arrogant gantry by the farm of Arrogant Wood.
(Some people say it was built by Holly & Wood, but that is not true.
That is only them being arrogant because of what they saw on screen
later when it was the biggest movie object ever made.)
Some of the people building her the first time were so poor they had no
feet, and you can see this in pictures.
The ship was the biggest immovable object ever made, apart from the gantry.
The man in charge of design was called the arrogant-chap. His name was Thomas Ismay. His wife later ran off with his best friend and became Mrs Undress. But
that was all right because by then her cousin had been murdered with all his
blueprints by the iceberg.
The Titanic was so big and immovable that they said "God himself could not
shift this ship." They were worried. They had a problem getting her into the
sea. A lot of horses were drowned pulling her in. They kept slipping on the
grease going down. Some had to go in afterwards because the anchor had been
forgotten.
When it went in, the Titanic pulled in four city blocks along with her. Some
of these were houses in the style of Louis Pasteur and Queen Anne Toilette,
who had a famous bar of soap on board which is also seen in pictures. All these homeless people were caught in the displacement.
They wrote in the papers: "There is not a house untouched by this drag-jetty."
The Titanic had a Jim. He was practicing his rowing because he knew
something was going to happen. He was a sidekick. It was the Captain who
was in charge, and his name was Engine Smith. He started the engine and got the Titanic moving at last.
It was slow because of the many things the ship carried. It had a post
office because it was a mailing voyage, and a court squashed full of Turkish
delight. There was a reading, writing and arithmetic room with teachers if
you wanted them. There was also a man who would blow the beagle when it was
time for roast beef. And there was a cafe prison.
There was also a horses track, which is another name for a band. The horses
track played melodies. One of them was an arrogant man who played the fiddle
when the ship burned. He played the tune: "Nero my horse to thee." But it was
no use. The horses drowned a long time back.
The Titanic went to Northampton. Lots of people got on board. There was
J.J. Asthma who was tired out from having a new wife, P.T. Barnum, W.T.
Spread, Mr Strauss who wrote songs for the band, and some priests like
Parson Green, Father Brown and his wife Molly. The priests would come in
useful when all the women and horses were gone.
The Titanic nearly went into New York immediately, but was told it had
forgotten a lot of people waiting in Cork, so it had to go back
again. Then it had forgotten people in a town called Icebourg in France,
which shows that lots of people knew exactly what was going to happen. But they couldn't speak English so there was no use in giving out warnings. They were drowned out by the noise of the seagulls and the beagles and later just drowned.
What else happened? The Titanic finally went off. The horses track was playing. Beagles were eating. The Macaroni Room was busy and the priests were blessing the
French who the rich people had as dressing before their meals. It was all
very fashionable and arrogant.
Some people were gambolling. The rich got to walk on the prominent deck. The sea was going by.
There were men down below in the boiling rooms who had no shirts
and were strapped to the waste. This meant they couldn't get out when the
time came. Their job was to put coal in the furnaces. The Titanic had four. But one of these was a dummy and no smoke ever came out of his furnace.
Some women were writing letters and doing their sums. Others were re-arranging the deck chairs or enjoying a chat with sweaty men in the stoking room. The people in the cheap end of the ship were called the stair-edge. They were kept there and not allowed set foot on the ladder at any time. They knew their place and were happy and jolly. Some couldn't climb anyway because they could not afford feet.
So they didn't matter.
The Titanic was built slowly in Builtfast, which is in Normal Ireland.
It was put up in the Arrogant gantry by the farm of Arrogant Wood.
(Some people say it was built by Holly & Wood, but that is not true.
That is only them being arrogant because of what they saw on screen
later when it was the biggest movie object ever made.)
Some of the people building her the first time were so poor they had no
feet, and you can see this in pictures.
The ship was the biggest immovable object ever made, apart from the gantry.
The man in charge of design was called the arrogant-chap. His name was Thomas Ismay. His wife later ran off with his best friend and became Mrs Undress. But
that was all right because by then her cousin had been murdered with all his
blueprints by the iceberg.
The Titanic was so big and immovable that they said "God himself could not
shift this ship." They were worried. They had a problem getting her into the
sea. A lot of horses were drowned pulling her in. They kept slipping on the
grease going down. Some had to go in afterwards because the anchor had been
forgotten.
When it went in, the Titanic pulled in four city blocks along with her. Some
of these were houses in the style of Louis Pasteur and Queen Anne Toilette,
who had a famous bar of soap on board which is also seen in pictures. All these homeless people were caught in the displacement.
They wrote in the papers: "There is not a house untouched by this drag-jetty."
The Titanic had a Jim. He was practicing his rowing because he knew
something was going to happen. He was a sidekick. It was the Captain who
was in charge, and his name was Engine Smith. He started the engine and got the Titanic moving at last.
It was slow because of the many things the ship carried. It had a post
office because it was a mailing voyage, and a court squashed full of Turkish
delight. There was a reading, writing and arithmetic room with teachers if
you wanted them. There was also a man who would blow the beagle when it was
time for roast beef. And there was a cafe prison.
There was also a horses track, which is another name for a band. The horses
track played melodies. One of them was an arrogant man who played the fiddle
when the ship burned. He played the tune: "Nero my horse to thee." But it was
no use. The horses drowned a long time back.
The Titanic went to Northampton. Lots of people got on board. There was
J.J. Asthma who was tired out from having a new wife, P.T. Barnum, W.T.
Spread, Mr Strauss who wrote songs for the band, and some priests like
Parson Green, Father Brown and his wife Molly. The priests would come in
useful when all the women and horses were gone.
The Titanic nearly went into New York immediately, but was told it had
forgotten a lot of people waiting in Cork, so it had to go back
again. Then it had forgotten people in a town called Icebourg in France,
which shows that lots of people knew exactly what was going to happen. But they couldn't speak English so there was no use in giving out warnings. They were drowned out by the noise of the seagulls and the beagles and later just drowned.
What else happened? The Titanic finally went off. The horses track was playing. Beagles were eating. The Macaroni Room was busy and the priests were blessing the
French who the rich people had as dressing before their meals. It was all
very fashionable and arrogant.
Some people were gambolling. The rich got to walk on the prominent deck. The sea was going by.
There were men down below in the boiling rooms who had no shirts
and were strapped to the waste. This meant they couldn't get out when the
time came. Their job was to put coal in the furnaces. The Titanic had four. But one of these was a dummy and no smoke ever came out of his furnace.
Some women were writing letters and doing their sums. Others were re-arranging the deck chairs or enjoying a chat with sweaty men in the stoking room. The people in the cheap end of the ship were called the stair-edge. They were kept there and not allowed set foot on the ladder at any time. They knew their place and were happy and jolly. Some couldn't climb anyway because they could not afford feet.
So they didn't matter.
