wanted: __ funny things to do at __ jokes. examples inside

[Pellaken]

these examples from funny.com


50 Fun Things to Do at Wal-Mart


1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals
throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to
join.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
especially in thin aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off
and turn the volume up to full blast.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen
you in so long." etc. See if they play along.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself
loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
behind them. Do this until they leave the store.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"

20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
when they say you didn't buy it there say "Hmmmm....I thought
the customer was always right!"

21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you
will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
"I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down.

29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and
say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
them yelling "Red Rover."

31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any
in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)

32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale
battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.

33. Take bets on the battle from above.

34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask
the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as
possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
Mission Impossible.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies."

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo.

43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
section, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.

45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to
your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."

49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out
much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

*BONUS*

1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without
getting kicked out.

2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you
can make.





19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh
relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your
butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free."

 

[Pellaken]

more examples:

20 Responses to Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so
glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I
have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to
spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then
ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business,
how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue
asking them personal questions or questions about their company
for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and
with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how
have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each
one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to
speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't
have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood?
Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her
to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you
can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company,
and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and
then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you
can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess
you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please
hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat
at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and
ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I
should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your
momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to
speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write
every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on
telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing





Top Ten Marketing Screw Ups


1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it
was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the
following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an
Electrolux."

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into
German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too
many people had use for the "manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used
the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian
baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies
routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most
people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the
name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I
saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la
papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated
into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in
Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make
a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an
aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la",
meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with
wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000
characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le",
translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads
were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and
embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word
"embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read:
"It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

 

[Furry Spatula]

1 fun thing to do in a Chilliwak mall

1) pretend to sack your friend, ie. just makin contact with the pants, not the actual package. Then have a security gaurd tackel you and slam you up against a wall. Then have assault charges filed against you while not actually commiting any assualt. And in the end you are giving up to the custody of the only other 18 year old around with ID and banned from the mall for 2 years.

Thats a true story, didn't happen to me but a friend of mine while we were on our way to our grad rafting trip.

 

[Furry Spatula]

4 fun things to do to tele-marketers

1) Do the Sienfield thing. But take it a bit further. Say that you are realy busy and you'll give them a call back in about 15 minutes. Keep asking for thier number and dont let up. If it is a new person you will get them realy confused as they will be looking for an answer as to why they are not allowed to give you the phone number if you just keep insisting.

2) For a survey, just take the survey, but just when they are finished make sure you ask them, "Oh, buy the way, Sorry i forgot to ask, But did you want to speak to someone who was 18 or older?" That one gets them pissed off.

3) tell them you'll get the man or lady of the house, and just place the phone on its side and leave and do something else.

4) Pretend to be a guy like Dale off of King of the Hill, he's realy paranoid about technology and the government. You need have a bottle near by and you gently tap it on the phone every few seconds and keep insisting that they are recording your phone call and you insist that they stop it or you wont take part of the survey etc. Just dont let up and keep it up till they hang up.

-I realized that if you keep screwing around with these people they will stop calling you. After you mess with about 3 - 5 of them the calls pretty much stop. However number one is realy good and it works well if you stay by the phone and just talk with a friend listen to the radio etc.

- for 2 and 3 even if you in the age range of ppl they are looking for go ahead and do them, they work well.

 

[duke o' york]

Originally posted by Furry Spatula
1) pretend to sack your friend, ie. just makin contact with the pants, not the actual package.

Did you mean "sack" here, like a quarterback on the end of a particularly strong tackle, or "suck", like a questionable character on the end of a particularly long pier?

 

[Chris85]

30 Rules Every Straight Guy Must Follow

1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat."

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call Bull Sh** (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. B*tching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant others --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

23. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:

"Yeah baby, push it!"
"C'mon give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all of the conversation you need.

29. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay. (Exception: This is allowed if you are both drunk and it is any song by a heavy metal band. Not one of those ballads, though.)

30. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "F*** OFF!" You are absolved of your responsibility.

 

[.:KNAS:.]

haha the last one was spot on....

 

[Chris85]

Originally posted by Furry Spatula
1) Do the Seinfeld thing. But take it a bit further. Say that you are realy busy and you'll give them a call back in about 15 minutes. Keep asking for thier number and dont let up. If it is a new person you will get them realy confused as they will be looking for an answer as to why they are not allowed to give you the phone number if you just keep insisting.

Have done the Seinfeld thing before. Also tried having phone sex with the telemarketer if they were female.

I have also heard of the 50 things to do at Wal-Mart before and admit to have actually tried some of them.

This is some funny stuff, keep it comin'

 

[Furry Spatula]

Originally posted by duke o' york


Did you mean "sack" here, like a quarterback on the end of a particularly strong tackle, or "suck", like a questionable character on the end of a particularly long pier?

Sorry, I meant sack as in kick someone in the crotch