Had anyone noticed this news article from a certain fake news agency?
http://www.chaser.com.au/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=2882
Heathen-Smashing With Civilisation IV
Monday, 21 November 2005
By Lord Cubis
Many exciting things happened this week that I was stingen to write about.
He's a squinty cutie, but he has a taste for human flesh nowFor instance, that kid who got clawed by the leopard at the zoo. Sure, he’s an idiot, but just imagine him in 40 years – as a grizzled drunk in some dingy bar, scoring free drinks in return for his story and a look at the rake scar on his arm. The fact that the leopard had one eye only adds more awesomeness to the anecdote.
He’s like Captain Ahab or something.
I wish I’d been attacked by a giant cat as a kid. It would’ve hurt like buggery at the time, but I’d be a legend with an exciting tale to tell at parties. My mates would be sick of it by now, but the chicks would be all over it.
Or so pornography and two-fisted action adventures from the 1940s have led me to believe.
Another thing that would have been interesting to talk about is industrial relations reform. I could have made some clever jokes about the minimum wage for internet columnists, similarities between Barnaby and James Joyce, and ten reasons why the creation of a new underclass is good for Australia.
With such pearls of humour cast before my swinish readership, I would have been the darling of the blog set. My journalistic integrity and incisive encapsulation of current affairs would be unmatched and unquestionable. I certainly would not have started any sentences with a conjunction.
But I’ve been distracted the past seven days. I bought Civilisation IV and as a result haven’t shaved, bathed or thought about anything beyond the bloodsoaked conquest of a fictional planet.
Scores of world leaders have fallen before my might. As the noble leader of the Cubisian people, I’ve cut a swathe through Saladin’s ranks that’d have the Operation Iraqi Freedom brains trust green with envy. I liberated the **** out of those Arabian villagers, and renamed all their towns after myself. Mecca became Cubisville and Baghdad is now Shanetown.
Last night I found the best way to steal the computer’s cities is through the spread of religion. Win the souls of those electronic citizens and their profitable iron resources will soon be yours. The design notes do stress a commitment to realism, after all.
So far I’ve resisted the urge to institute slavery in my empire, even though it would increase productivity. The AI India and China had no such moral dilemmas, and as such are outproducing me at an alarming rate.
It’s OK, though. I’m going to research biological warfare and wipe those heathen bastards off the map.
God bless Cubisia.
http://www.chaser.com.au/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=2882
Heathen-Smashing With Civilisation IV
Monday, 21 November 2005
By Lord Cubis
Many exciting things happened this week that I was stingen to write about.
He's a squinty cutie, but he has a taste for human flesh nowFor instance, that kid who got clawed by the leopard at the zoo. Sure, he’s an idiot, but just imagine him in 40 years – as a grizzled drunk in some dingy bar, scoring free drinks in return for his story and a look at the rake scar on his arm. The fact that the leopard had one eye only adds more awesomeness to the anecdote.
He’s like Captain Ahab or something.
I wish I’d been attacked by a giant cat as a kid. It would’ve hurt like buggery at the time, but I’d be a legend with an exciting tale to tell at parties. My mates would be sick of it by now, but the chicks would be all over it.
Or so pornography and two-fisted action adventures from the 1940s have led me to believe.
Another thing that would have been interesting to talk about is industrial relations reform. I could have made some clever jokes about the minimum wage for internet columnists, similarities between Barnaby and James Joyce, and ten reasons why the creation of a new underclass is good for Australia.
With such pearls of humour cast before my swinish readership, I would have been the darling of the blog set. My journalistic integrity and incisive encapsulation of current affairs would be unmatched and unquestionable. I certainly would not have started any sentences with a conjunction.
But I’ve been distracted the past seven days. I bought Civilisation IV and as a result haven’t shaved, bathed or thought about anything beyond the bloodsoaked conquest of a fictional planet.
Scores of world leaders have fallen before my might. As the noble leader of the Cubisian people, I’ve cut a swathe through Saladin’s ranks that’d have the Operation Iraqi Freedom brains trust green with envy. I liberated the **** out of those Arabian villagers, and renamed all their towns after myself. Mecca became Cubisville and Baghdad is now Shanetown.
Last night I found the best way to steal the computer’s cities is through the spread of religion. Win the souls of those electronic citizens and their profitable iron resources will soon be yours. The design notes do stress a commitment to realism, after all.
So far I’ve resisted the urge to institute slavery in my empire, even though it would increase productivity. The AI India and China had no such moral dilemmas, and as such are outproducing me at an alarming rate.
It’s OK, though. I’m going to research biological warfare and wipe those heathen bastards off the map.
God bless Cubisia.
That's pretty funny, but I think this is the wrong forum
