Imperator Knoedel
Simperator Knoedel
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People of Europa, rejoice! For your lord and master, the successor of Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne, Napoleon, and Victoria, offspring of the father of Europa, vanquisher of the Benelux terrorists, liberator of Algeria, the first man since Genghis Khan to conquer all of Russia and actually keep it for longer than five minutes, the one, the only, His Excellency, the Czar of Europa, deigns to address his subjects!
Lay down your work, stop eating, get up from bed, interrupt whatever you are doing, for everything you could possibly be busy with can't compare to the honor of an audience with His Excellency!
Turn your attention to the nearest holoscreen in five, four, three, two, one...
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Salvete, my dear beloved subjects! It's me, His Excellency... Your Excellency? My Excellency? You know what I mean! You might remember me from such public service broadcasts as 'The President is dead, long live the Czar' and 'This is what happens to rebel scum'. Also my face is on your money, on banners hanging from every other building and of course the obligatory portrait of me in your living- and/or bedroom. You might wonder what you did to deserve this honor of a public address, considering I am a very busy man, constantly annexing new territory for Europa and all.
Well, the thing is, I kinda ran out of land to conquer. Shocker, right? Seriously though, look at a map: Every scrap of land worth taking now either belongs to yours truly or one of the other three superpowers that would actually put up a fair fight if I tried to invade them. Not that I'm scared or anything, I could conquer any of those losers if I really wanted, but for now it would just be more trouble than it's worth.
Thus I've decided to turn my attention inward for now, and restructure my holdings so Europa doesn't go the way of Alexander's empire. And that, my dear beloved subjects, is where you come in!
Turns out actually governing people is harder than just conquering them, and I really can't stand red tape, so now I am looking for people to do all the bureaucratic work for me while I figure out a way to launch another war of conquest. Proconsuls, if you will.
Really, all you need to do is apply to the nearest house of order and tell my subordinates why you think you would be qualified to rule over millions of people in my stead! You may also request control over a certain province, and I'll see what I can do.
But before you do that, let me give you a breakdown of what you are getting yourself into, the state of the empire if you will:
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Europa, the beautiful! From Spain to Siberia, from Algeria to the Arctic, it is destined to become the greatest empire of all time!
Unfortunately however, we are not alone on Earth. One would think after the collapse of the One World Government the rest of the world would be easy pickings for a well organized army such as the one I led, but no, these jerks had to go and form their own superpowers as well. Copycats. Anyhow, let me tell you a bit about our neighbors:
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To the west, the insolent rebel scum that dared defy the order of the English government three centuries ago, has been constantly meddling in European affairs, and in a cruel twist of fate recently actually managed to subjugate the British isles, America Incorporated. They also own that prisoner island with killer animals on the other side of the world, whatever it's called.
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To the south, the very creatively named Southern Empire, held together against all odds by the even more creatively named 'Lady', encompassing South America, Africa, the Middle East and most of India. I'll give this ragtag alliance of savages a week until it collapses.
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And finally, to the east, the Democratic Glorious People's Cooperative Collaberation Commune of who cares, led by Kim Jing Un Sul Sing Sang Chung Ping Pong whatever. North Korea on crack and with two billion people, and some folks wonder why I stopped my conquest at their border. They are even rumored to somehow got a hold of nukes, like, what am I supposed to do about that?
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I suppose our neighbors might have some stuff we could trade before we inevitably conquer them, someone should look into that.
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Technology and research might be the key to breaking the current stalemate...
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Government... oh yes, government! Guess I should reform that sometime. Some votes now and then to give the peasants the illusion of participation, nationalistic posturing, perhaps Slavery to actually get stuff done in a reasonable timeframe... I am on the fence though about religion and even more about economy. Planning or Market? Dunno, vote about it or something, I don't care.
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The mighty Europan military... is apparently smaller than I thought it was. Huh, guess throwing wave after wave of your own men at the enemy until he runs out of ammo really does lead to high casualties. Who knew. Also we really need some cheap labor.
Now then, into the nitty gritty, let's take a closer look at the beautiful and varied lands that I control:
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The western Mediterranean. Everyone in the world knows of Paris, which by the way is home to the most prestigious universities in my empire, and Rome! Also there's Spain and Algeria which I yoinked right under the Lady's nose.
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The eastern Mediterranean. Lots of ancient wonders built by the Greek civilization. Greece proper has a world famous military tradition and lots of loyal subjects which would go die in my name in a heartbeat.
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Scandinavia. Welfare an' stuff. Germany is a goldmine and a military powerhouse. In Stockholm is the headquarters of the Red Cross, which keeps my soldiers alive so they can die another day after taking even more enemies with them.
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Russia. The newest addition to my empire, I made it clear right away who is in charge by making myself at home in the Kremlin. Real cozy they have it here, if a bit cold when I step outside. I gather only the finest minds in my court, and even had a book written about how awesome I am here. Yekaterinburg is absurdly productive.
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Finally, Siberia. It's, eh, I guess a good place to send people I don't like? Lots of wild nature that still needs to be tamed.
Aaaaaaaand that's it for now. Send your application if you want to become proconsul or whatever, and for everyone with the right to vote, you may decide over what kind of economy this empire is to run from now on and how to deal with religion in the upcoming vote next week.
So long, all hail me, stay loyal, and now back to work!
This has been a Public Service Announcement by the Europan Government.
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