Im writing a song about the Romans. Need help

storealex

storealex

In service of peace
Joined
Jul 22, 2003
Messages
3,710
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Denmark
Hey I'd like spelling and gramma help on this one. As well as inspiration and constructive criticism. Note I still need at least another verse. Basically, I think the Romans were so cool that I just had to write a song about them :D


Winter and rain pours down on his helmet
memories of a wife so tender and velvet
kisses the cloth that she gave him
forgets the war that has claimed him
arrowheads whizzle bugles are sounded
on fire and blood the republic was founded

Victories muddy boots of a vulture
squash the ancient roots of a culture
gaul is in fetters and britain in broken
Caesars word is universally spoken
signs of a token victorius omen
appears as the roman lines are unfolden
the eagle has craved and the season is open
 
Winter and rain pours down on his helmet
memories of a wife so tender and velvet
kisses the cloth that she gave him
forgets the war that has claimed him
arrowheads whizzle bugles are sounded
on fire and blood the republic was founded

Victories muddy boots of a vulture
squash the ancient roots of a culture
Gaul is in fetters and Britain is broken
Caesar's word is universally spoken
signs of a token victorious omen
appears as the Roman lines are unfolden
the eagle has craved and the season is open

Not sure there's such a word as 'whizzle'. You could use just 'whizz'. Britain could be changed to Brittannia to Romanise it.

Your English is a helluva lot better than my Danish.
 
I think the word "whistle" is what I've been looking for. Thanks for mentioning it :)
 
What type of song are you going to put this to? And poems don't need to be gramatically correct, in fact, "poetry" is in excuse not to use proper grammar. :D
 
Helmet and velvet don't rhyme. Try "overwhelm it," perhaps?
 
brennan said:
Yes they do.
Click to expand...

We evidently don't pronounce them the same way.

For rhyming, it is, as you are aware, the stressed syllable and not the unstressed syllable that is relevant; so, to my ear, "velvet" has an undeniable V where "helmet" has an M.
 
Just get Atia from Rome as a dancer and the lyrics won't count. :mischief:
 
Atropos said:
We evidently don't pronounce them the same way.

For rhyming, it is, as you are aware, the stressed syllable and not the unstressed syllable that is relevant; so, to my ear, "velvet" has an undeniable V where "helmet" has an M.
Click to expand...
It's largely the syllable at the very end of each line that determines if they rhyme. In this case that's 'et' both times: it rhymes.
 
Swinburne said:
Seven sorrows the priests give their Virgin;
But thy sins, which are seventy times seven,
Seven ages would fail thee to purge in,
And then they would haunt thee in heaven:
Fierce midnights and famishing morrows,
And the loves that complete and control
All the joys of the flesh, all the sorrows
That wear out the soul.
Click to expand...

Note the rhymes. The only significant poet, to my knowledge, who didn't rhyme by stress rather than terminal syllable was Auden; and Auden was good enough to get away with things that you or I couldn't.
 
I suggest you listen to some music. It's amazing what some people can make rhyme.
 
brennan said:
I suggest you listen to some music. It's amazing what some people can make rhyme.
Click to expand...

What makes you think that I don't listen to music?

And, of course, you can make anything rhyme if you really want to and slur it as you say it. I was merely notifying the OP, since he asked for help, that his rhyme is not perfect. If he chooses to ignore this it's fine with me.
 
Best words to rhyme with Roman:

bowmen
combin'
foamin'
go, men!
gloamin'
low men
no men
roamin'
whoa, men
yeoman
 
Veritass said:
Best words to rhyme with Roman:

bowmen
combin'
foamin'
go, men!
gloamin'
low men
no men
roamin'
whoa, men
yeoman
Click to expand...

Actually, in most of those I would pronounce a long a in man (where applicable), while roman would have a short a.

Find the Fallout 1 intro and you will see the pronounciation of Roman I'm talking about.
 
LLXerxes said:
I'd love to see somebody write a song about Romans and not be called a gigantic dork. No offense or anything.
Try a flute solo.
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Haha, well sure I might be called that, but really who cares? I can allow my self to do geeky stuff, because Im still so god damn cool :cool:
 
brennan said:
Winter and rain pours down on his helmet
memories of a wife so tender and velvet
kisses the cloth that she gave him
forgets the war that has claimed him
arrowheads whizzle bugles are sounded
on fire and blood the republic was founded

Victories muddy boots of a vulture
squash the ancient roots of a culture
Gaul is in fetters and Britain is broken
Caesar's word is universally spoken
signs of a token victorious omen
appears as the Roman lines are unfolden
the eagle has craved and the season is open

Not sure there's such a word as 'whizzle'. You could use just 'whizz'. Britain could be changed to Brittannia to Romanise it.

Your English is a helluva lot better than my Danish.
Click to expand...

proudly marching forward across the rubicon
with heads held high, all foes overcome
so many waves, to see the foreign slaves
such a splendid triumph there had never been,
Julius Caesar in golden chariot was seen
past the baths, to the senate, to the forum,
such a great man clad in purple decorum.

Caesar had himself proclaimed dictator for ever,
but republicans thought too like a king, no never,
they secretly plotted and each concealed a dagger
an ambush, a thrust, another, et tu Brute, a stagger
and then that great life all ended in a flood of blood,
his enraged supporters sought those conspirators
who perceived no support, fled Rome and their villas.
 
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