TimTheEnchanter
I...am...an Enchanter!
Two guys walk into a bar... The third one ducked
jokes - keep them clean this time!!!!!
- Thread starter andyo
- Start date
Bose
Antipodean
A guy is walking his two dogs when a girl walks up and says "Are those Jack Russells?"
The guy replies "Nah, they're both mine"
The guy replies "Nah, they're both mine"
"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client."
"What's the bad news?"
The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."
"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"
"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
"What's the bad news?"
The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."
"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"
"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.
However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop freaquency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon.
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," the waiter said.
I was rather impressed.
Then I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why have that string right there?"
"Not everyone is as observant as you," the waiter replied. "That consulting firm I mentioned also found that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?" I asked.
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and, that way, eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.
"Well," he whispered, lower his voice, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop freaquency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon.
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," the waiter said.
I was rather impressed.
Then I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why have that string right there?"
"Not everyone is as observant as you," the waiter replied. "That consulting firm I mentioned also found that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?" I asked.
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and, that way, eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.
"Well," he whispered, lower his voice, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Mariusz
happy to go blind
-How do you know that a blonde girl has sent a fax?
-It has a post stamp on it.
-It has a post stamp on it.
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Yaniv
Prince
A semi-clean one:
A man has 3 genitals, so he decides to go to a doctor.
He tells him: "Umm, doctor, you and me together have 5 genitals."
Doctor's reply: "You mean to tell me that you have only 1..."
A man has 3 genitals, so he decides to go to a doctor.
He tells him: "Umm, doctor, you and me together have 5 genitals."
Doctor's reply: "You mean to tell me that you have only 1..."
America444
Coming Back To Life
check out this site it has great blonde jokes
www.zelo.com/blonde/index.asp
www.zelo.com/blonde/index.asp
Aphex_Twin
Evergreen
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2002
- Messages
- 7,474
This is the transcript of the radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
G-Man
A One Man's War
If I had a nickel for every time this was posted I'd have quite a few nickels by now. 
G-Man
A One Man's War
Tarek Aziz organizes a secret meeting of all of Saddam's doubles. He tells them: " I have good news and bad news. The good news are that our great leader Saddam has survived the American bombings and he is still alive. Our country still needs you and you all still have your jobs!"
All the doubles cheer him. He continues: "The bad news, however, are that in the bombings he was injured and lost his eye, his arm, and his two legs.
All the doubles cheer him. He continues: "The bad news, however, are that in the bombings he was injured and lost his eye, his arm, and his two legs.
GenghisK
...
English/Chinese translation...
That's not right
Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Ya Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hai Nao
Stupid Man
Dum Gai
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table.
Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face-lift.
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here.
Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet.
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone.
No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?
Wai Yu Sing Dum?
You are not very bright.
Yu So Dum
I got this for free.
Ai No Pei
Please stay a while longer.
Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week.
Wai Yu Kum Nao?
They have arrived.
Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight.
Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile.
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive.
Yu Stin Ki Pu
That's not right
Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Ya Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hai Nao
Stupid Man
Dum Gai
Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table.
Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face-lift.
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here.
Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet.
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone.
No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?
Wai Yu Sing Dum?
You are not very bright.
Yu So Dum
I got this for free.
Ai No Pei
Please stay a while longer.
Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week.
Wai Yu Kum Nao?
They have arrived.
Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight.
Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile.
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive.
Yu Stin Ki Pu
G-Man
A One Man's War
A man was driving his car, with his wife sitting next to him.
Suddenly the wife says: "I'm tired of you. You wasted 15 years of my life. I'm getting a divorce"
The man says nothing, just increases the speed to 100 km/h
The wife continues: "I talked to a lawyer already, and he says I can get all of our money"
Again, the man says nothing, but keeps accelerating. Car reaches 110 km/h
She continues: "And the house"
120 km/h
"And our children"
130 km/h
"And all ov your stuff"
Over 140km/h already
"Don't you have anything to say about it?" She asks
"No, I have all that I need" He replies.
The wife is surprised, asking "I took everything. What do still have?!?"
He smiles and replies: "An air bag"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Israeli, an Englishman and an Afro Amrican werre in a plane. Suddenly the lpane starts losing hight. The pilot says someone must jump so the plane could carry on. The Israeli and Englishman point at the Afro American.
The pilot is angry at them, saying it's racism. He decides to ask each passenger a question. The one who doesn't answer the right answer will be thrown out.
He asks the Englishman: "What British princess died a few years ago?"
The Englishman replies: "Diana"
The pilot turns to the Israeli, asking him: "Who is your prime minister?"
The Israeli replies: "Sharon"
The pilot then turns to the Afro American and asks him: "How many people are there in Japan"
The Afro American thinks for a while and replies: "126,974,628"
"And their names?"
Suddenly the wife says: "I'm tired of you. You wasted 15 years of my life. I'm getting a divorce"
The man says nothing, just increases the speed to 100 km/h
The wife continues: "I talked to a lawyer already, and he says I can get all of our money"
Again, the man says nothing, but keeps accelerating. Car reaches 110 km/h
She continues: "And the house"
120 km/h
"And our children"
130 km/h
"And all ov your stuff"
Over 140km/h already
"Don't you have anything to say about it?" She asks
"No, I have all that I need" He replies.
The wife is surprised, asking "I took everything. What do still have?!?"
He smiles and replies: "An air bag"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Israeli, an Englishman and an Afro Amrican werre in a plane. Suddenly the lpane starts losing hight. The pilot says someone must jump so the plane could carry on. The Israeli and Englishman point at the Afro American.
The pilot is angry at them, saying it's racism. He decides to ask each passenger a question. The one who doesn't answer the right answer will be thrown out.
He asks the Englishman: "What British princess died a few years ago?"
The Englishman replies: "Diana"
The pilot turns to the Israeli, asking him: "Who is your prime minister?"
The Israeli replies: "Sharon"
The pilot then turns to the Afro American and asks him: "How many people are there in Japan"
The Afro American thinks for a while and replies: "126,974,628"
"And their names?"
Goldenflame
Chieftain
So this woman gets divorce with her husband because he's a real jerk, he's been arrested 12 times, and she constantly catches him cheating on her. So, in search of a new husband, she puts an ad in the Personels:
Wanted: A man who will never beat me, never run away, and will be really really good in bed.
So about a week later she hears the doorbell ring. When she answers it, a man in a wheelchair is sitting there. He is missing both arms and both legs. "May I help you?" The woman asks.
"Yeah, I'm here for the ad", the paraplegic (sp?) replies.
"Oh. How will you make a good husband?" The woman asks.
"I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs, so I can't run away."
"...and are you good in bed?" The woman asks.
"Well," says the man. "How do you think I rang the doorbell?
Wanted: A man who will never beat me, never run away, and will be really really good in bed.
So about a week later she hears the doorbell ring. When she answers it, a man in a wheelchair is sitting there. He is missing both arms and both legs. "May I help you?" The woman asks.
"Yeah, I'm here for the ad", the paraplegic (sp?) replies.
"Oh. How will you make a good husband?" The woman asks.
"I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs, so I can't run away."
"...and are you good in bed?" The woman asks.
"Well," says the man. "How do you think I rang the doorbell?
G-Man
A One Man's War
A teacher gave her students an assignment - to each find a family story with a moral.
"My family owns chickens and sells eggs in the market", said Dan. "Once we went to the market and the basket with all the eggs fell and all the eggs were lost".
"And the moral of the story is?" asked him the teacher. "Never put all your eggs in one basket" he replied. The teasher was pleased and asked michael to tell his story.
"My family grows chickens as well", Michael told them. "Once we had 10 eggs, but only two of them hatched. Dad said the moral is that we shouldn't count the chickens before they hatch"
"Great" said the teacher and turned to johnny, asking him to tell his story.
"My father told me about my uncle Bob" he started "He was a marine in Vietnam. One day he was flying in a helicopter and the helicopter was shot down. Uncle Bob only had a bottle of whiskey, an M-16 and a commando knife. On his way down he drunk the whiskey. When he landed he was serrounded by a 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He killed 70 of them with his M-16, untill he ran out of ammo. Then he killed 20 more with the knife untill it broke, and then ten more with his bare hands"
The teacher was shocked. "What kind of moral could such a horrible story possibly have?"
"To stay away from Uncle Bob when he's drunk."
"My family owns chickens and sells eggs in the market", said Dan. "Once we went to the market and the basket with all the eggs fell and all the eggs were lost".
"And the moral of the story is?" asked him the teacher. "Never put all your eggs in one basket" he replied. The teasher was pleased and asked michael to tell his story.
"My family grows chickens as well", Michael told them. "Once we had 10 eggs, but only two of them hatched. Dad said the moral is that we shouldn't count the chickens before they hatch"
"Great" said the teacher and turned to johnny, asking him to tell his story.
"My father told me about my uncle Bob" he started "He was a marine in Vietnam. One day he was flying in a helicopter and the helicopter was shot down. Uncle Bob only had a bottle of whiskey, an M-16 and a commando knife. On his way down he drunk the whiskey. When he landed he was serrounded by a 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He killed 70 of them with his M-16, untill he ran out of ammo. Then he killed 20 more with the knife untill it broke, and then ten more with his bare hands"
The teacher was shocked. "What kind of moral could such a horrible story possibly have?"
"To stay away from Uncle Bob when he's drunk."
Zcylen
Moonlight Rambler
at least the poor guy had a chance
.that reminds me a TV show called "El Juego de la Oca"
it was a game where you used dices and if you reached the 63 first you were the winner but in the #47 there was a guy with a scissors (sp?) and if you fall there you get you hair cut.
but before that they asked you 3 questions.
1.what's the logo of our Tv show
easy, a duck
2.what's the US currency
easy, the dollar
3.what's the biggest puzzle in history according to guniess records, besides, how many questions it had and the answers?
next scene, the guy was bald
GenghisK
...
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is six. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks
"Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister...then who are they for?"
The nine-year old says "They're for my six-year-old little brother."
The cashier is surprised, "Your six-year-old-brother?"
The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you
wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike... and my little brother can't do either of those things."
"Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister...then who are they for?"
The nine-year old says "They're for my six-year-old little brother."
The cashier is surprised, "Your six-year-old-brother?"
The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you
wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike... and my little brother can't do either of those things."
GenghisK
...
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous,
I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded
to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found
the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous,
I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded
to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found
the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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