A victory for superfly booty
29 June 2003
By RAYBON KAN
Today's column is for adults only. Children, stop reading now, unless you are already immoral. OK? I won't ask again. You should have stopped reading by now. Put the paper down! Go read Harry Potter!
On second thought, don't, because witchcraft and wizardry are satanic. Go see a doctor and have a frontal Harry Pottermy. Then use whatever brain you have left to read something nice. Read a religious text. Heaven knows, those moral books have only ever made people behave nicely, especially during crusades, jihads and other holy field trips.
Let's go. Thank God for prostitution reform. This is my last column ever. Tomorrow, I'm becoming a pimp.
I've always wanted to do some pimping, mmm-mmm, and turn out a stable of the finest ho's - not skanky - who will always give their mac daddy a little sumpn-sumpn of their sweet sugar. Mmm-mmm. As the saying goes, who's your daddy?
Finally the law sees things my way. Labour MP Tim Barnett, who promoted the bill, said the new law was a victory for logic, against hypocrisy, and for affordable superfly booty. (Some quotes may not be exact.)
Dr Ashraf Choudhary abstained, allowing the margin to be as slim as possible. I think it's hilarious that an MP should abstain from a conscience vote. What, doesn't he have one?
But really, you have to see his non-vote for the tactic it was. Here was a man who had said his proxy vote supported the second reading "by mistake".
Even Bill Clinton never tried that one. And when you've used that excuse on the second reading, you can hardly do it again on the actual vote.
Your ability to read would come into question. You'd wonder where he got his doctorate from. Plainly, Dr Choudhary was a man struggling with the weight of the issue. His non-vote allowed the law to happen and you'd have to say that was his intention.
He didn't stand in the way of change and he wanted to be able to say he didn't vote for it. In his two minds, the new law was the lesser evil. And as pilloried by public reaction, he's shown it can be painful to sit on the fence.
But, honestly, who wasn't a little bit in two minds?
The strongest argument for the old situation was that parents can no longer say to their children, "Don't be a prostitute - it's illegal!" This is the zero tolerance school of parenting, by which immorality is halted in its tracks by banning pierced ears and dyed hair.
Of course, under the old situation, the smart-arse kids could always retort: "No, prostitution is not illegal. Pimping, brothel-keeping and soliciting are illegal. It's legal to sell sex as long as I don't suggest it first." The door slams.
From now on, the arguments will go like this: "But it's legal!"
"So is jumping off a cliff!"
"You're not the boss of me!" Door slams, daughter exits.
The furious parent picks up the phone. "Right, that's it. I'm calling your pimp."
If you think it's hard to be a parent generally, imagine being one of those MPs who voted in favour. "I'm going to be a prostitute! You voted for it!" Maybe this explains Choudhary's stance.
Tim Barnett said that in 15 years, we'll wonder what the fuss was about. So let's look ahead. Here are my predictions.
July 2003: Straight away, tourism increases, as people the world over are drawn by our clean, green horny image. New Zealand airlines are never busier, able to provide inflight entertainment that really makes reclining the seat worthwhile.
August 2004: The playing field is level with European competitors such as Amsterdam and Bangkok. The economic benefits and skills trickle down. In the Olympics, we win gold at table tennis. On the glorious final point, commentators marvel: where did that ball come from?
November 2004: McDonald's unveils its new menu, opening its Express McBrothel. In my purple Cadillac, I drive through and order the Really, Really Happy Meal. I'm not sure how I feel about buying sex. I guess I shouldn't be hypocritical. After all, I am now a pimp. I wonder if KFC is still using its old slogan: "Finger Lickin' Good."
2005: The NCEA maths assessment includes questions such as, "Fifi charges $100 for one hour, $60 for half an hour but offers a 20-minute handmaiden special for $40. If she made $280 in the last two hours, how many receipts did she write?"
2006: Truancy and unemployment are reduced to zero. Courses in sex education and economics are replaced by sex technology and pimponomics. Many older people are going back to school. If you can't get a date to the school dance, rental dates are available.
2007: Pubs in small towns all have a public bar, a private bar and a boutique brothel. Police moves to control public vice have led to brothels being closed from 6pm. This has led to the infamous 6 o'clock root.
2008: The sixth Harry Potter book is set in New Zealand. Harry is taking his gap year from Hogwarts at a school in the South Island. Older, he is less interested in quidditch yet much more interested in his broomstick. His house-elf Dobby is now earning his keep offering bondage. Harry is jealous of Ron and Hermione's relationship but he has moved in on that cute Chinese girl he's been looking at since book three.
They never use precautions during sex. Instead, they bring out their wands afterwards and chant: "Contracepticus!"
Big Daddy Albus Dumbledore explains to Harry everything, including how Hogwarts came to be named. It was an infection. The antidote is a recently invented spell: "Antibioticus!"
Harry's New Zealand school holds a fundraising orgy. Why sell enchanted lamingtons, when you get much more cash for computers by selling the witch-on-witch spa cauldron double? Hagrid offers some luxury treatments for people more interested in exotic beasts. Moral leaders yearn for the good old days when Harry was still a kid.
harry potter's having sex?
