Diamondeye
So Happy I Could Die
This is an AAR-like writeup inspired especially by Shatner's brilliant AARs, most recently the story of the Amurites, "The revenge of the nerds". I am playing Falamar of the Lanun, on a large randomscript map with 11 random opponents.
Falamar - the ruler of the Lanun, a laid-back, relaxed ruler. Has something for the ladies (and boats!).
Daniel - Falamar's little brother, who apparently isn't as good as his brother with the ladies. Has taken on hating goblins to work out his aggressions.
Ol' Silvertooth - Falamar's mentor and master of exploits
The Lanun are standing on a small hill. To the east runs a river, out into the ocean to the north. On a small peninsula to the northeast, a vein of gold has been spotted, which of course appeal a lot to the Lanun greed. to the southeast is a flat field of corn, and just south of that is a mighty pine forest.
Falamar: So, uhm, we need to settle down on land so we can build boats and sail the sea? Why is that, really? Why can't we just build boats now and sail away?
Silvertooth: Our people doesn't know how to build boats, and to find out that, we need beakers, from commerce. Only settled down villagers can provide commerce.
Falamar: We are the Lanun, dreaded pirates of Erebus! Of course we can build ships. What you say is bunk.
Silvertooth: No, it's a game mechanic. We need to settle down.
Falamar: Whatever. Is this place fine for you, then? I need to feel the waves rolling and rocking a ship underneath my feet soon.
Daniel: This place looks fine! We're on a hill, behind a river. If any goblins should attack, it'll be easy to defe-
Silvertooth (interrupting Daniel): Actually, I think settling to the east to get the Pine forest over there inside our cultural borders would be smarter.
Falamar: That's it then. What does the pine trees do?
Silvertooth: They allow us to make peac- They have to do with a game mechanic, okay?
Falamar: Sure. East it is.
Daniel: But, what about if the goblins at-
Cut!
Later...
(same cast)
Daniel: I knew it! I knew it! The goblins are coming! They are poisoning our forests!
Falamar: Relax, Daniel. Silvertooth, ol' man, what can we do?
Silvertooth: Nothing, I'm afraid. Since we are the Lanun, we do not have the body mana required to revitalize the forest.
Daniel: Why can't our warriors just chase those nasty goblins away?
Falamar: If you read the event text, they did. It was just too late. I guess this is another one of those game mechanics, right?
Silvertooth: Well, not reall- oh, nevermind. Yes it is.
Much later...
(Same cast)
Daniel: Falamar! We're in trouble again!
Falamar: Relax, Daniel. What is it now? More Muris Clan goblins?
Daniel: No, even worse! Our scout has run into a lion!
Falamar: Ah, that looks like trouble. But aren't we safe on that hill, with "defense bonus" and all?
Silvertooth: Strictly speaking, yes, we should have good odds. But as master of exploits, I regret to inform you that it is a universal rule that your starting scout is always killed at the first encounter.
Falamar: Oh, bunk. Well, we can't do anything about it, can we?
Daniel: Let's send out some Warriors to bash the lions!
Falamar: I wasn't asking you. Silvertooth, is there any way to save the scout?
Silvertooth: No, there isn't.
The scout is killed by the lion.
Falamar - the ruler of the Lanun, a laid-back, relaxed ruler. Has something for the ladies (and boats!).
Daniel - Falamar's little brother, who apparently isn't as good as his brother with the ladies. Has taken on hating goblins (and recently lions) to work out his aggressions. Madly in love with Lisa
Ol' Silvertooth - Falamar's mentor and master of exploits
Lisa - The latest girl to fall for Falamar. Likes old-school pirating. A lot.
The Lanun have just learned Agriculture, and are slowly and steadily advancing technology.
Daniel: Falamar! We are in trouble, again!
Falamar (letting go of Lisa with a sigh): What is it now, Daniel?
Daniel: We've run into... Oh, hi, Lisa
Daniel blushes
Falamar: Daniel, speak up. Lisa, your dress is on the chair behind you.
Lisa blushes and puts on the dress
Daniel: Our Warriors have run into a lot of lions!
Falamar: Uh. What to do... This'd be a whole lot easier if Silvertooth was here.
Silvertooth: Oh, I am. But the situation isn't grave. One of the lions is guarding its den; it won't attack.
Falamar: Wait, how did you-?
Silvertooth: I'm the master of exploits, remember?
Falamar: Uh. Yeah. Spooky.
The lion doesn't attack, and Falamar sends the Warrior north, into the forests, according to Silvertooth's advice. After everyone has shown up, they decide to keep council regarding other pressing matters of state aswell.
Daniel: Oh, yeah, also, we spotted an even bigger danger, down south.
Falamar: You mean "graver danger".
Daniel: No, literally, bigger. It's a hill giant.
Falamar: Uh, so any way our Warrior will survive that?
Silvertooth: Actually, he isn't even in danger.
Falamar and Daniel: Is this another one of those game mechanics?
Silvertooth: Indeed, it is. The Hill Giant has what is known as an "animal AI" - which is another game mechanic - which means that it cannot step on tiles - which is a unit the game splits up the map with - that contain ressources.
Falamar: So, it cannot step on forests, or mines, or farms?
Silvertooth: It only works for special ressources. If you look at the screenshot, you can see that the space between the Warrior and the Giant is blocked by, from north to south: a flock of cows, a mountain, a sun mana (from the mirror of heaven) and a mana deposit.
Daniel: So a mountain is a ressource?
Others (in choir): No, you moron.
A little bit later, the Warrior in question is withdrawn to use as garrison in the new Lanun city, Heron Throne, which has just been founded.
Falamar: So, that looks like a nice spot. Shouldn't we send some Workers or fishermen down there to improve it a bit, though?
Silvertooth: Actually, that won't help, since all the ressources are outside the cultural boundries of the city.
Falamar: But that'll change, right? Saltstrickle's borders expanded all by themselves.
Silvertooth: That's because your palace is here, and that provides culture. The Heron Throne has no buildings that provide culture. That could be solved with a monument.
Falamar: Then why don't we just build a monument, then?
Silvertooth: Because whoever rules the Lanun decided that he wanted to beeline teching towards Mining, to gain access to gold.
Falamar: Whoever's leading the Lan- But, that's me.
Silvertooth: Exactly.
Lisa: Hey, greed is part of our pirate culture!
Silvertooth: What culture?
Lisa: ...
Daniel: Then why is the city building a Work Boat instead of it's namesake, the Heron Throne?
Silvertooth: Smart young man. It's bec-
Lisa: I know! It's because we're the Lanun, so we can build Pirate Coves!
Silvertooth: Indeed, it is. That city needs some food to support the miners that will build the Heron Throne.
Falamar (waking up): But haven't we just built The Heron Throne?
An awkward silence emerges, for quite some time, until Daniel breaks it...
Daniel: More goblins! Lots of them! Our Warrior is going to die!
Falamar: Surely, you are exaggerating. How many are there? Like, one?
Daniel: Three! And one of them is an archer, and they have their own fort!
Falamar: Blimey. Then it's good night for our Warrior, for sure, right?
Silvertooth: Actually not, since the AI will always seek to garrison Goblin Forts with three units. It's a ga-
Others (in choir): Game mechanic. Right?
Ol' Silvertooth nods
Daniel: Then how about the elephant? Surely, that'll kill our Warrior like that Lion did earlier?
Silvertooth: Actually, no. Elephants can only defend.
Daniel: Why is that?
Falamar: I bet it's another one of those game mechanics!
Silvertooth: Actually, it's due to a balance issue.
Others: ...
A fair bit of time passes, and Lisa stops showing up at the palace. Also, the Lanun establish an amount of Pirate Coves, and soon, their economy is blooming (don't ask how the pirates gain such a profit without any foreign peoples to plunder, it's not some complicated background story, it's due primarily to the fact that pirates all have golden teeth, and tax loopholes.
Joining the cast is Fimmel, a rather annoying dwarf adept who obviously have his spectrum of values completely askew.
Falamar: Alright, now we finally have Mining, we can mine that gold!
Silvertooth: That's right. We can also see copper now. There happens to be some just south of Saltstrickle, in fact.
Falamar: How come we couldn't see that bef- oh, it's another one of those game mechanics...
Daniel: If we research Bronze Working, we could make proper weapons for fighting goblins and lions once we have built a mine on the copper.
Fimmel (In a very loud voice): Or you could just allow me to transform the gold to copper!
Everyone, even Ol' Silvertooth, stares mistrusting at Fimmel
Falamar: Dude, why would we do that? We have copper nearby and it's our only source of gold. Gold! Sheez, you're a dwarf, you should be loving gold.
Fimmel: I'd only need 25 gold pieces to cover the expenses.
Falamar: Okay, he is a dwarf, I can hear that now, but it's still a no. It's a bad deal.
Soon after, it is rumoured that Orthus, the orc king, is roaming the lands to the far north-east, probably on another landmass. Also, the Lanun discover Animal Husbandry, and to Daniel's great pleasure, they also have Horses so that they can train horsemen to fight the lions and goblins with.
Furthermore, the Lanun settle their third city, Pearl Cape, near the Lion Den to the east, on the coast of course.
Daniel: That's not a cape!
Falamar: Shut up, Daniel! We've just made contact with the first foreign civilization...
(That's roughly the first 80-90 turns. More later!)
Scene I: Founding Saltstrickle
Cast:Falamar - the ruler of the Lanun, a laid-back, relaxed ruler. Has something for the ladies (and boats!).
Daniel - Falamar's little brother, who apparently isn't as good as his brother with the ladies. Has taken on hating goblins to work out his aggressions.
Ol' Silvertooth - Falamar's mentor and master of exploits
The Lanun are standing on a small hill. To the east runs a river, out into the ocean to the north. On a small peninsula to the northeast, a vein of gold has been spotted, which of course appeal a lot to the Lanun greed. to the southeast is a flat field of corn, and just south of that is a mighty pine forest.
Falamar: So, uhm, we need to settle down on land so we can build boats and sail the sea? Why is that, really? Why can't we just build boats now and sail away?
Silvertooth: Our people doesn't know how to build boats, and to find out that, we need beakers, from commerce. Only settled down villagers can provide commerce.
Falamar: We are the Lanun, dreaded pirates of Erebus! Of course we can build ships. What you say is bunk.
Silvertooth: No, it's a game mechanic. We need to settle down.
Falamar: Whatever. Is this place fine for you, then? I need to feel the waves rolling and rocking a ship underneath my feet soon.
Daniel: This place looks fine! We're on a hill, behind a river. If any goblins should attack, it'll be easy to defe-
Silvertooth (interrupting Daniel): Actually, I think settling to the east to get the Pine forest over there inside our cultural borders would be smarter.
Falamar: That's it then. What does the pine trees do?
Silvertooth: They allow us to make peac- They have to do with a game mechanic, okay?
Falamar: Sure. East it is.
Daniel: But, what about if the goblins at-
Cut!
Spoiler Screenshot (Saltstrickle) :
Later...
(same cast)
Spoiler Screenshot (Muris Clan event) :
Daniel: I knew it! I knew it! The goblins are coming! They are poisoning our forests!
Falamar: Relax, Daniel. Silvertooth, ol' man, what can we do?
Silvertooth: Nothing, I'm afraid. Since we are the Lanun, we do not have the body mana required to revitalize the forest.
Daniel: Why can't our warriors just chase those nasty goblins away?
Falamar: If you read the event text, they did. It was just too late. I guess this is another one of those game mechanics, right?
Silvertooth: Well, not reall- oh, nevermind. Yes it is.
Much later...
(Same cast)
Daniel: Falamar! We're in trouble again!
Falamar: Relax, Daniel. What is it now? More Muris Clan goblins?
Daniel: No, even worse! Our scout has run into a lion!
Spoiler Screenshot (Scout and Lion) :
Falamar: Ah, that looks like trouble. But aren't we safe on that hill, with "defense bonus" and all?
Silvertooth: Strictly speaking, yes, we should have good odds. But as master of exploits, I regret to inform you that it is a universal rule that your starting scout is always killed at the first encounter.
Falamar: Oh, bunk. Well, we can't do anything about it, can we?
Daniel: Let's send out some Warriors to bash the lions!
Falamar: I wasn't asking you. Silvertooth, is there any way to save the scout?
Silvertooth: No, there isn't.
The scout is killed by the lion.
Scene II: Advancing in technology
Cast:Falamar - the ruler of the Lanun, a laid-back, relaxed ruler. Has something for the ladies (and boats!).
Daniel - Falamar's little brother, who apparently isn't as good as his brother with the ladies. Has taken on hating goblins (and recently lions) to work out his aggressions. Madly in love with Lisa
Ol' Silvertooth - Falamar's mentor and master of exploits
Lisa - The latest girl to fall for Falamar. Likes old-school pirating. A lot.
The Lanun have just learned Agriculture, and are slowly and steadily advancing technology.
Daniel: Falamar! We are in trouble, again!
Spoiler Screenshot (Warrior and Lions) :
Falamar (letting go of Lisa with a sigh): What is it now, Daniel?
Daniel: We've run into... Oh, hi, Lisa
Daniel blushes
Falamar: Daniel, speak up. Lisa, your dress is on the chair behind you.
Lisa blushes and puts on the dress
Daniel: Our Warriors have run into a lot of lions!
Falamar: Uh. What to do... This'd be a whole lot easier if Silvertooth was here.
Silvertooth: Oh, I am. But the situation isn't grave. One of the lions is guarding its den; it won't attack.
Falamar: Wait, how did you-?
Silvertooth: I'm the master of exploits, remember?
Falamar: Uh. Yeah. Spooky.
The lion doesn't attack, and Falamar sends the Warrior north, into the forests, according to Silvertooth's advice. After everyone has shown up, they decide to keep council regarding other pressing matters of state aswell.
Daniel: Oh, yeah, also, we spotted an even bigger danger, down south.
Falamar: You mean "graver danger".
Daniel: No, literally, bigger. It's a hill giant.
Spoiler Screenshot (Hill Giant) :
Falamar: Uh, so any way our Warrior will survive that?
Silvertooth: Actually, he isn't even in danger.
Falamar and Daniel: Is this another one of those game mechanics?
Silvertooth: Indeed, it is. The Hill Giant has what is known as an "animal AI" - which is another game mechanic - which means that it cannot step on tiles - which is a unit the game splits up the map with - that contain ressources.
Falamar: So, it cannot step on forests, or mines, or farms?
Silvertooth: It only works for special ressources. If you look at the screenshot, you can see that the space between the Warrior and the Giant is blocked by, from north to south: a flock of cows, a mountain, a sun mana (from the mirror of heaven) and a mana deposit.
Daniel: So a mountain is a ressource?
Others (in choir): No, you moron.
A little bit later, the Warrior in question is withdrawn to use as garrison in the new Lanun city, Heron Throne, which has just been founded.
Spoiler Screenshot (Heron Throne) :
Falamar: So, that looks like a nice spot. Shouldn't we send some Workers or fishermen down there to improve it a bit, though?
Silvertooth: Actually, that won't help, since all the ressources are outside the cultural boundries of the city.
Falamar: But that'll change, right? Saltstrickle's borders expanded all by themselves.
Silvertooth: That's because your palace is here, and that provides culture. The Heron Throne has no buildings that provide culture. That could be solved with a monument.
Falamar: Then why don't we just build a monument, then?
Silvertooth: Because whoever rules the Lanun decided that he wanted to beeline teching towards Mining, to gain access to gold.
Falamar: Whoever's leading the Lan- But, that's me.
Silvertooth: Exactly.
Lisa: Hey, greed is part of our pirate culture!
Silvertooth: What culture?
Lisa: ...
Daniel: Then why is the city building a Work Boat instead of it's namesake, the Heron Throne?
Silvertooth: Smart young man. It's bec-
Lisa: I know! It's because we're the Lanun, so we can build Pirate Coves!
Silvertooth: Indeed, it is. That city needs some food to support the miners that will build the Heron Throne.
Falamar (waking up): But haven't we just built The Heron Throne?
An awkward silence emerges, for quite some time, until Daniel breaks it...
Daniel: More goblins! Lots of them! Our Warrior is going to die!
Falamar: Surely, you are exaggerating. How many are there? Like, one?
Daniel: Three! And one of them is an archer, and they have their own fort!
Spoiler Screenshot (Goblin Fort) :
Falamar: Blimey. Then it's good night for our Warrior, for sure, right?
Silvertooth: Actually not, since the AI will always seek to garrison Goblin Forts with three units. It's a ga-
Others (in choir): Game mechanic. Right?
Ol' Silvertooth nods
Daniel: Then how about the elephant? Surely, that'll kill our Warrior like that Lion did earlier?
Spoiler Screenshot (Elephant) :
Silvertooth: Actually, no. Elephants can only defend.
Daniel: Why is that?
Falamar: I bet it's another one of those game mechanics!
Silvertooth: Actually, it's due to a balance issue.
Others: ...
A fair bit of time passes, and Lisa stops showing up at the palace. Also, the Lanun establish an amount of Pirate Coves, and soon, their economy is blooming (don't ask how the pirates gain such a profit without any foreign peoples to plunder, it's not some complicated background story, it's due primarily to the fact that pirates all have golden teeth, and tax loopholes.
Joining the cast is Fimmel, a rather annoying dwarf adept who obviously have his spectrum of values completely askew.
Falamar: Alright, now we finally have Mining, we can mine that gold!
Silvertooth: That's right. We can also see copper now. There happens to be some just south of Saltstrickle, in fact.
Spoiler Screenshot (gold mining) :
Falamar: How come we couldn't see that bef- oh, it's another one of those game mechanics...
Daniel: If we research Bronze Working, we could make proper weapons for fighting goblins and lions once we have built a mine on the copper.
Fimmel (In a very loud voice): Or you could just allow me to transform the gold to copper!
Spoiler Screenshot (Dwarf adept event) :
Everyone, even Ol' Silvertooth, stares mistrusting at Fimmel
Falamar: Dude, why would we do that? We have copper nearby and it's our only source of gold. Gold! Sheez, you're a dwarf, you should be loving gold.
Fimmel: I'd only need 25 gold pieces to cover the expenses.
Falamar: Okay, he is a dwarf, I can hear that now, but it's still a no. It's a bad deal.
Soon after, it is rumoured that Orthus, the orc king, is roaming the lands to the far north-east, probably on another landmass. Also, the Lanun discover Animal Husbandry, and to Daniel's great pleasure, they also have Horses so that they can train horsemen to fight the lions and goblins with.
Spoiler Screenshots :
Furthermore, the Lanun settle their third city, Pearl Cape, near the Lion Den to the east, on the coast of course.
Spoiler Screenshot (Pearl Cape) :
Daniel: That's not a cape!
Falamar: Shut up, Daniel! We've just made contact with the first foreign civilization...
(That's roughly the first 80-90 turns. More later!)
Keep it coming 
