Translation:

Mail-in rebate: We're counting on your laziness.
Free 30-day trial: We're counting on your laziness and forgetfulness.
 
New improved flavout: The old one tasted like s**t so we added some p**s to it
 
Pet food only: And the occasional elderly.
 
Must See TV: We paid a lot of money for this crap as opposed to the crap on the other channels...
 
"Special guest star" - The opener at a concert.
 
Extra Light Olive Oil - It's still 100% fat, idiot.
 
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